Hello everyone.. I'm new to the forums and I am currently trying to help my wife through recovery. She was abusing pain pills for a long time and we are trying to kick the habit. She went to a recovery center in Florida for 32 days and the kids and I were very excited for her return. Upon arriving home she was clean for 1 day before the stresses of our regular life caused her to use. I found out on the third day that she had been using and we promptly removed the pills. We have gone to several NA meetings and she just got a sponsor but she wants to return to rehab where she feels 'safe' from herself. I think that she needs to work the system here and learn to deal with her addiction and recovery. I'm scared that if she goes to rehab again she will be stress free and when she returns she will simply be overwhelmed again and relapse. Any advice from anyone going through this would be helpful. I am beyond stressed having dealt with taking care of 3 kids and managing everything while she was in rehab. Now that she is home I thought things would improve but I don't think that she wants to work the NA system. I am not sure if I can handle her being gone for another 30+ days thousands of miles away.
The following user gives a hug of support to Marriedguy: monoxide (04-24-2012)
Hi welcome to the boards. Well of course she want to go back to rehab, taking care of a home, 3 kids and a husband is incredibly stressful and I'm guessing at one point she had some kind of legitimate pain, is that gone? You are correct though she does have to learn how to be drug-free and live her regular old stress induced everyday life, she can't hide in rehab forever. Having said that, you can't make her believe it, can't force her to stay home and stay clean. Have you considered a compromise? Is there a hospital near you? Hospitals tend to have outpatient rehab programs. I'm thinking the Rehab program she went to was cushy and nice....I wouldn't let her go back there, and since you probably are paying for it, you have a say in the matter. Be understanding, but let her know that she has to learn to do this there, in your town, in her home. Check out the local outpatient programs. NA is great but it's not a hardcore rehab program, she may not think it's rigid enough, not enough hand-holding so to speak. So get her a more rigid program, locally. If she thinks she needs more help then get it for her, you can do that without necessarily giving her everything she wants. Make her work the local programs.
The other thing you need to keep in mind...not everyone can get clean and stay clean...if she can't cope and stay off the pills, you may have some decisions to make. You can't keep sending her out of state to rehab centers, thats not a solution.
Check around and find out what your options are and talk to her and make a decision. But remember she is a drug addict, she shouldn't really get what she wants...you need to be firm and stand up for you and your kids. The goal here is to get clean not hide out at rehab centers...an addict will almost always take the easy way out and run.
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: Marriedguy (04-24-2012)
Yes, this all started with pain.. it really started about 2 years ago after our last daughter was born. Since, she has had legitimate problems with hysterectomy, minor car accident and a bout with some tooth pain that was fixed. So at this time there is no pain. I am trying to be as supportive as I can, we live in a small town and we have to drive about 1.5 hours to the nearest NA meeting.. we have been to 4 in 4 days which counts her attending two of them today. We don't have a lot of assistance or help for an addict of any kind in this area. This makes it really hard to get her what she needs.
I will look locally for some outpatient programs.. this may be something that might help. The sponsor that she got is a real tough cookie though, kinda know her from before all of this started, so she should be able to keep her inline. The problem is spending a couple hundred dollars in fuel a week to get her to meetings, I've recently been laid off.
I do have really good insurance though, which paid for her rehab except for the plane tickets. I'm sure I can get insurance to pay for another alternative if I can find one.
I believe that I may be going through some abandonment issues with her leaving the first time and since she has returned she has been caught in several lies to me which is tearing us both apart. We have based our relationship (15 years.. 12 married) on honesty. I know it is this disease that we are dealing with because all of the lies have involved drugs or something related to them.
Thanks for the response and advice.. I really appreciate the help.
This is definitely not a subject they cover in premarital counseling. From now on, your married to a drug addict, it will be hard to trust her for quite a while if not forever. She has to build up that trust, trust is earned, it's not given freely. And I can pretty much guarantee you that if you don't give in and give her what she wants, she'll see herself as the victim instead of the one causing the problems and ripping your family apart, you have to be tough and not fall for it.
Tough Love works....you can help her, and she can do the work and get better close to home. You've got enough on your hands just taking care of the kids and keeping them from falling apart. Her NA sponsor needs to be tough, otherwise they're not much help. If you have someone who won't stand up to you, whats the point. You kind of need to take on that dual role also. Be compassionate to a point to what your wife is going through, but...she's not sick...she brought this on her self, nobody forced her to do this, so you can love her and care about her while being tough and not letting her take advantage of that love.
I know this is all incredibly hard, it really is and it sucks big time...but if she'll stop quitting before she even tries and starts working the program and doing what she should have learned at rehab, then she can get better.