Hello, I'm new. I have been searching for some answers. Here is my story. Let me start by saying that my husband is an alcoholic who hasn't used alcohol in 25+ years. However, instead of drinking, he smokes weed. Definitely an addiction transfer, he admits he's addicted but it doesn't cause any problems (he says). I am okay with it. My only issue is there have been times when he couldn't "get any" and he gets kinda not fun to live with during those times. But that's about it. I don't think there are any other problems other than he uses to deal with almost everything. I think he uses before he goes to work, after work, he uses while driving, he uses when we have to go visit his parents. He enjoys it. Until he gets an owi or something, or starts spending too much money, I don't care. I'm not putting him down, I'm just giving background info.
Now my story. Almost 4 years ago I lost my job and it was just so devastating to me I can't begin to tell you. Over the course of my unemployment I started drinking badly and I was definitely abusing alcohol. I did a couple of stupid things like backed my car into a telephone pole (broke a tail light) driving drunk --- STUPID (I know). Okay... so my husband wanted to kill me (more or less) and I thought he was going to divorce me. I promised not to drink again and went to AA meetings and all of that. Well... as time went by I really started to think that I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't have issues before the job loss and haven't had any since. I didn't crave alcohol. Things just sort of slid back to the way they were before I lost my job. Occasional drinking (social). So now I do occasionally drink and everything has been like before I ever had a problem. The thing is that my husband and I have had arguments about it (when he as found out) and I defend myself with the fact that who is he to talk? He's smoking weed all the time. So long story short he hasn't spoke to me since Sunday when he realized I had some drinks because he saw an empty bottle. But let me emphasize here that I feel it's his problem. He doesn't want me to drink because of those months (and it was only a matter of months) that I was just not dealing with it well and drinking too often and too much. So he's hyper sensitive and goes completely off the deep end. I can't talk to him about it. I would have liked to have said to him, Honey, listen... I am not out of control and I'm not having any issues and I occasionally drink. Please accept that and put the past behind us. But it's not going that way. Now he's just set on "you promised not to drink and you are." So anyway, he hasn't talked to me since Sunday and I'm just sitting here. I'm not going to even attempt to make a false promise again. I can't promise that because I know I will drink when I want to. Now it's a "you're not going to tell me what to do thing". It's not like I even think about alcohol... I can go weeks and not think about it. But I like a social drink or two sometimes and I think I should be able to do that and he should accept that it's my decision and my responsibility.
I don't know how to talk to him about it. It's such a hot topic and he has his mind set that he's right and when we've argued before it's gotten more ugly than I want to deal with. I want him to just accept that this is how it is and MOVE ON. Worry about your own self and your own problems, you know?
Okay, so there. I got it off my chest. Any comments would be appreciated. Thank you.
OK, so here we go...Do you sound like an alcoholic, ummm No. Should you be allowed to have a drink or two now and again? Sure
Should you be totally noncomplacent and not bothered by the fact that your husband spends most of his day Stoned...NO. How do you expect to have a reasonable and rational conversation with a person who is stoned and can't be rational? It's like standing in front of a brick wall and talking to it.
Your husband gets high in the morning before work, he gets high while driving...you really don't see the problem here????
You seem a bit confused about which one of you actually has the problem as well does he. You can search the boards, ask tons of people for tons of advice, but the answer is right in front of you. You won't ever be able to have a realistic argument or conversation about something this important with someone who spends most of their day stoned. He'll be automatically defensive, his feelings of self-importance will be extremely elevated resulting in the constant "I'm right, your wrong", his view of the whole picture is totally skewed, in that thinking what he's doing is completely fine and normal and your the one with the serious problem. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.
Yes, you lost your job, you got depressed and you hid in a bottle, then reality smacked you upside the head and you climbed back out. Your husband however went from one addiction to the other and is still neck deep in it....how can you be "okay" with that? How do you stand calmly by and watch your stoned husband get in a car everyday and drive off....when he drives head on into the mom taking her kids to school and kills them, how does that work, will it only be his fault?
You guys need to look at the big picture here and get some help.
Nope I don't think your messed up. And I do pretty much call it like I see it...anything else is a waste of time and generally not what someone who comes to this particular board needs, I don't do it to be mean.
I hope you stick around, there are a lot of good people here who've been through similar situations...they can offer help and encouragement, it is a good place.
I was married to an alcoholic for 24 years, always figured I could change him, or fix him, or something...When he switched from his 24 pack a day habit to a 12 pack and whiskey, he wasn't a nice person, after the 2nd black eye and split lip...I decided I was done and he needed to change himself, I've been divorced for a little over a year.
Don't think your alone, we all have similar screwed up stories.