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Old 06-18-2012, 06:41 PM   #1
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New to the boards & need support... husband's an addict.

First off let me say that I am so thankful that I came across this forum because I need support and would also benefit from hearing any addicts point of view. I have sympathy and compassion for those with an addiction but because of my husband's addiction, my life has been turned upside down. Here is my story.

My husband and I dated for about 2 years before we got married. In that time, I did not realize he had an addiction to opiates and frequent use of marijuana. Looking back, I can see the signs were there but we did not live together and honestly I have never known anyone with a pain pill addiction so call me naive
Once we got engaged, he moved in with me and recently after had major surgery that required you guessed it...painkillers. A few months after his surgery, I noticed behavior changes and realized something was off but didnt put two and two together until after we were married and he confessed to being addicted. Fast forward to now, we have been married almost 2 years and have a 7 month old. He confessed to me that for the past 6 months he has maybe been clean for two weeks and that was when we were on vacation and he ran out. I have done my research and tried to learn as much as possible. We began therapy and he made me believe he was on the right track until this past weekend when we attended a wedding and I found him and the groomsmen smoking pot. I have been told so many lies and feel so betrayed I decided that for the wellbeing of my son and myself and also in hopes he would get himself clean we should seperate. He has been staying with his parents and tonight went to a NA meeting..I am just looking for some feedback on what to expect, how to deal, and what I can do to support him but also show that I mean business. I want my son to have a dad and I want to stay married but I REFUSE to stay in a marriage full of lies, drug usage, and putting my son in a situation that is so unstable. I appreciate anything you guys could tell me about opiates and if anyone here has been sober from an opiate addiction please share your story with me. THANK YOU!!

 
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:50 AM   #2
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Re: New to the boards & need support..husband's an addict.

Hi Jennie and welcome, Having been drug free for less then 2 weeks unless I counted the 3 months prior to that which I was on a medication called Suboxone and I won,t get into that right now I,m just gonna say a couple things. Therapy and NA meetings are definatly a step in right direction. When I decided to stop this time something was different about it. I was fed up completely. For me it was like I reached the end of my rope. A person really gotta want sobriety if its gonna work. I want it. Read other posts, there are people on here who have been clean a lot longer then myself and I think you will see that sobriety is indeed possible. Have you heard of a group called Alanon? Might be something that may be helpful for you. Stay strong and let us know how you and your family are doing.

 
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:39 AM   #3
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Re: New to the boards & need support..husband's an addict.

Hi Jennie and welcome to the boards! I think you've come to the right place. Thanks Bolter for your post!! Very helpful!

My name is Kelly and I am an addict, but I also have been in your shoes. Well, more like I am in your shoes right now. For me, it's a little bit easier to deal with I imagine. For one simple reason. I understand his side too. Having said that, I feel like you are a brave and strong woman for having the courage and wisdom to do exactly what you needed to do to get you and your son out of that environment.

My son is 15 months old. His dad is a heavy duty prescription pill addict. The difference between him and I has always been that I wanted help and he didn't. To this day, I got help, and he hasn't. And he won't. Part of that is my fault for enabling him. I was clean for two years and I let him live with me while he was using. He lost his job, and I found out I was pregnant. I tried my best to "fix" him and I already knew it wouldn't work, because noone could fix me. I had to want it for myself. And I still do. I refuse, and I mean refuse, to jeopardize my son's happiness and sense of security by allowing that kind of behavior from myself or his dad. Anyway, up until Tyler was 8 months old, I watched him get screwed up on painkillers and xanax. I have taken video of him while he's messed up in the hopes that if I showed it to him, he would see how terrible he looked and acted, and get help. I already knew that wouldn't work too.

Look, I guess my point is, that until he gets the kind of help he needs, he is going to keep on lying to you, and doing whatever it takes to make sure that his drugs and him are together. I am so glad to hear that he is going to meetings. I just hope that eventually he goes because he wants to and not because someone gve him an ultimatum. I got clean for someone else (my family) by going to meetings, and it worked for about a year. For the simple reason, that I wasn't doing it for me. That doesn't mean that a light bulb won't go on for him while he's there. He just may feel comfortable enough about being around a bunch of people who are just like him and understand how hard this really is. And believe me this is the hardest battle he will ever fight. And it will be for the rest of his life.

You need to keep on doing what you are doing. Keeping you and your son safe, and educating yourself as much as possible about addiction, and especially the addict themself. As long as you are not enabling his behavior, then you are doing the right thing. Enabling boils down to one simple explanation... doing things for him, that he is capable of doing for himself. You can't give him money. You can't clean or cook for him. Don't do his laundry for him. He has to figure it all out. I had to. And so have a lot of other addicts. I have been by myself for 10 months with my son. And it's so much easier than when he was here. I almost feel like it's one less child to take care of.

Honest to god, the best thing my parents ever did for me was let me go. It killed my mother I know, but it forced me to hit my bottom and fight like heck to get back up. Understand that this may take multiple attempts. That doesn't make him a failure, that means he's trying. He may relapse several times before he finally gets it. Just don't go back to soon. Alanon suggested to me, one year of clean time before I left him come back. I have just been through so much with him, that I'm over him now and don't want him back. I love being with my son by myself. But that's me. Just don't rush back too soon. Give him time, months, or a year, to be clean.

Keep posting if you have any questions, and I'm sure tons of people are going to jump in here with all of their input. There are tons of supportive people on this board especially. Hang in there and know that you have support here. You are doing the right thing. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 
Old 06-19-2012, 12:53 PM   #4
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Re: New to the boards & need support..husband's an addict.

I really appreciate the feedback Bolter and Kelly. Today has been a rough day for me..I think Im starting to realize just how hard this has been on me and the long road ahead. I am so proud of my husband for choosing to start therapy and go to meetings, he called last night to tell me about the meeting and how excited he was to have people "just like him". He was very emotional and I know this is a huge step in the right direction but Im also so angry. Angry that I have a 7 month old who doesnt have a dad at the moment and im doing this all alone..I feel like I didnt sign up for this and it makes me so mad that ultimately my son will pay the price if my husband doesnt get it together now.

Kelly its funny you mentioned that Im doing the right thing, I just need to keep reminding myself that because in my weakest moments that is exactly what I have to do. I feel betrayed and forced to make decisions that I dont necessarily want but know that they are necessary. Do I want to live alone? Raise my son alone? yes and no. without him here I am finally able to relax and just breathe you know? I felt like for awhile my life was centered around checking his phone to see if he was trying to get pills, asking him a zillion times why his pupils look this way, that...has he taken any pills...geez so many questions and always got so many lies. So, in a sense I am happy he isnt in my house. I can be a better mother and not so moody. I do miss him but I know this is the right decision.

He is finally realizing he needs to cut ties with friends that use or assist him in using which THANK YOU JESUS I have been waiting for that. I know that he needs time but how do you know when a person who is so good at lying is not anymore? How do you know when someone is officially clean. I know once an addict, always one. ANyways, I have heard of AL Anon and I am thinking of going to a meeting soon. THank you so much to everyone for your responses.. it means a lot to know Im not alone

 
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:27 PM   #5
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Re: New to the boards & need support..husband's an addict.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennieG38 View Post
First off let me say that I am so thankful that I came across this forum because I need support and would also benefit from hearing any addicts point of view.
Hello JennieG38 and welcome to the addiction and recovery board.
I respect that some may consider themselves addicts while in recovery and recovering but I consider myself a recovering addict.
If I forget the recovering aspect of things,lines begin to become blurred and I can't afford for that to happen.
I say recovering because it's work;a certain type of effort is needed to be successful.
Twelve years clean makes me both humble and grateful,as I now have the ability to place things(with respect to my former drug of choice)in its' proper perspective.
I enter each day knowing that whether things turn out for the better or not,I don't have to further complicate it by picking up.
In the beginning,you start feeling emotions awake that laid dormant and a certain clarity,as the fog clears,so to speak.
Then things begin to get real,as you face up to the wreckage of collateral damage and then they get interesting,as you realize that you can try and do something about it;possibly even make amends.

The next phase is when things get really interesting;where the true decisions are made;where all the cards are on the table and it's time to put up or(for lack of wanting to use a better word)shut up.

It's where the actions and the words meet one another and it's no time to look back,except to place things in its' proper perspective.
That's when you are in the driver's seat;buckle up for it can be a bumpy ride.

I sure hope things go well for the two of you and he can regain what has not been lost but hiding in plain sight;himself.

Sincerely and Respectfully stated
Phoenix
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:45 PM   #6
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Re: New to the boards & need support..husband's an addict.

Hi again! Oh, the anger.... That is going to take a long long time for you. For me, too much damage had been done. The lying, I feel liike he is way too good at it for my taste. That's why I couldn't be with him again. I would never be able to tell when he wasn't lying. And for my sons dad, his lies were huge! Made up stories of being in Iraq, and all kinds of crap about the army. Never even made it out of bootcamp! When I think of all the people who lost their lives in that war, this infuriates me! My family assures me that I was a terrible liar when using. So, all the times I thought I was being slick, turns out they already knew. They said that my whole demeanor is different. Personality, everything. So, since he's been using since the day you met, you might see a totally different person when he cleans up. I was Jeckyll and Hyde. I consider that a good thing. Then at least everyone knows. So, you may have to wait and see. With Tyler's dad, you couldn't tell the difference. I have a girlfriend of mine who is the same way, and I don't believe a word she says. So, these are all things that are going to work themselves out in time. You said he's super excited and all that. Is that normal for him? If not, that could be a sign that he has hope. Which is great. You just have to take it day by day.

The anger I had to get counseling for. I'm over it now. I forgive him. I do not condone what he did, or does, or will do. I just found it easier to forgive him and move forward in my life than to hold on to that resentment. It took to much energy to be angry all the time. But this came with time so don't expect it right away. It'll be easier if you see him getting better and making an effort to be a good dad, and husband, and work on his recovery. That absolutely has to be the most important thing in his life. Without it, he will surely lose everything. Do you understand why you and your son come second only to that? Without it, you two will be out of his life forever.

You are going to be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it, but how exhausting was all that work? Checking the phone, text messages, checking for new contacts, contacts you don't know, checking fb pages, pockets of pants, the car, and anywhere else he may let his pills lie around. I for one am sooooo glad that part of my life is over. Truly. I know it's hard. First hand, to be a single mom. So, keep your family and friends close and lean on whoever you can for support!

Take care ad keep posting anything you need to talk about! We are here!

 
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Old 06-19-2012, 06:39 PM   #7
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Re: New to the boards & need support..husband's an addict.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennieG38 View Post
Today has been a rough day for me..I think Im starting to realize just how hard this has been on me and the long road ahead.
Hello JennieG38.......
There's also the other side of the spectrum;the feeling of resentment and anger from those affected by his acts.
The innocent child and others.

I'll leave that to the women because I don't want to get clawed here.

Seriously though;take care and know that all three of you are in my prayers.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 06-20-2012 at 06:32 AM.

 
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