I am just going to take a few moments to "vent" a bit.. I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now, we have a combined family with four beautiful children. Two boys from his previous marriage one boy from my previous, and one beautiful baby girl between the two of us that just turned six months old. From the outside looking in we look like the perfect family, I hold my head high when I am out of the house and at work, and we run a successful business together. But behind closed doors the truth unravels. He has been using meth for about two years, more and more and more as the time goes by.. I don't know how to deal with, don't know how to just be "okay" with it. He is not willing to get clean, not even willing to talk to me about his problem because he says it's not a problem. Am I the only one in this boat?? How can I get him help?!
The women that wants her man back
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: Bnb38
bolter (06-26-2012),Phoenix (07-05-2012),Tysmom1 (06-26-2012),Wendy88 (07-06-2012)
Hi Bnb38 and welcome to the forum! I really am sorry to hear what you are going through. I went through something similar with the father of my son. He is an addict also.
The first thing I wanted to say to you was, you should never be ok with this. The fact that you aren't ok with it, and do n't know how to deal with it tells me that you are well aware of the fact that is wrong. Your concern should be for the children first and foremost. You may think they don't know what is going on, and they may not have details, but trust me when I say that kids know that something isn't right. It changes peoples personalities. And they notice that.
To answer your second question. If he says it isn't a problem, and he isn't willing to talk about getting help, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do. He has to be ready and willing to get help. We as addicts cannot get clean for another person for any length of time. Maybe for a month or two. If it really wasn't a problem for him, he would just stop because of the way it makes you feel. He does have a problem and he isn't ready for help.
Unfortunately, until he suffers some consequences of his drug use, he probably wont change. It took me losing my children to get help. I refuse to ever go back there. My son's dad, he never got help and he refuses to. He just doesnt' want it. I will not raise my child in a house where there is a drug addict that is actively using. So, unless your bf starts losing things in his life that matter, like you, your children, etc... he isn't going to stop. Why would he if there are no negative consequences? You see? I don't want to sound harsh and I really hope this isn't coming accross that way.
So, in the meantime, my suggestion for you, is to get yourself help. Start going to alanon meetings. They are for families of drug addicts and alcoholics. They teach you how to not enable him, and how to "deal" with it. Plus there are a a ton of people there who have been in your shoes or are in your shoes. It's a great support system for you. While things may not be too bad right now, they will get progessively worse as time goes by. It's the nature of addiction. This support system will come in handy when it is time for you to act. Right now you may not have to act or even be ready to. That's ok. But having these women to suppot you when you need to act will be priceless. I already know just how desperate you are going to be for someone to help you because I've been there. Get these people in your life now, so you have people to lean on when the time comes.
Keep your head up and try to focus on your children and yourself. Let me know your thoughts and how you are doing. Have a good day.
The Following User Says Thank You to Tysmom1 For This Useful Post:
Hi BnB38, There are a lot of people in the same boat as you and you,ll find a lot of them at Alanon. Theres not much I can say that Kelly didn,t say in her reply above. He,s gotta admit he has a problem. He,s gotta talk about it. If you hang around and look the other way you got a long hard miserable road ahead of you. It will only get worse. Please think of the children as well as yourself. An addict that is useing is a selfish person. I know this to be true. I,m not useing but I am an addict and will allways be one. Please seek help, if not Alanon maybe councellor, church? Don,t be a stranger. Keep posting also.
The following user gives a hug of support to bolter:
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to bolter For This Useful Post:
Bnb38 (06-27-2012),Tysmom1 (06-26-2012)
To be honest, change is easier said than done. we all have problems moving from what we are used to. Please keep the interest of your children your number one priority. Actions they witness will affect them I the long run! be careful and keep slow but steady steps.
Venting can always be a cathartic way of relieving the stressful pressure of situations of this nature.Often getting it out of one's system allows them to feel a bit enlightened.
The fact that you have 4 beautiful children is wonderful.
On the other hand his usage isn't and if he doesn't even see it as a problem he probably won't admit he's an addict.
Is the scent detectable around the house?
I know you've heard of second hand smoke,which can effect the one who isn't even partaking in the act itself.
I don't know if you ever went the route of telling him that you fear for him to become imprisoned and the children missing the opportunity of growing up with a father in their lives(except seeing him through a partition).
It's just a thought.
Please post and do so as often as you need to.
Know that you're surrounded by people that care.