I just googled "how to leave a cocaine user" and found this. I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year now. We moved in together about a month after we started dating. He is an awesome boyfriend and we fit together great, we always say we are eachothers "puzzle piece". I know he has been putting money on an engagement ring and we have talked a lot about getting married and having kids. Two weeks ago we bought a new puppy and we have been so happy and we are getting possession of a house on Nov. 16.
He has suffered with a cocaine addiction for the last 10 years apparently. He used to be rude and angry to people about it and denied it. He hid it from me at the beginning of our relationship as I worked nights and I was oblivious to cocaine or any drug for that matter. I didn't really know signs or symptoms.
I did eventually learn he was using Cocaine when I left that job. He would go 3 months with no use and then all of a sudden disappear one day and not come home til 2-5 in the morning. First I cried and yelled and sent him nasty messages. He usually turns his phone off as I think I am a "downer" when he is using as I was not very nice.
I tried a different tactic of not being nasty but saying that he needed to get help to be with me. Every single time since I found out he uses, when he gets home he cries and apologizes and says he does not want to do it anymore and that he needs help.
He used Aug 17 and I said I am not going to be with you unless this changes because I can't do it anymore! So he is tring to get into our rehab center here but all beds are full. He went and got the physical and blood work done and now is on the waiting list. He is apparnetly supposed to get in the middle of this month (oct).
Last night he had a hockey game and I didn't go as it was a late one. He left the house at 9 pm and when I woke up at 2 am he was not home. I checked his bank statement as he has given me full access to it and he had taken out $350. There was still $250 in there so I transferred it to my account to stop his binge. Well then when I checked again, he had gone to the jewelry store and took his last payment off the ring so he had $250. He then quickly withdrew it from his account.
I have no idea where he is and I don't believe it is my responsibility to find him. he is still missing and it is 6pm the next day. It has never been this long or this bad. I am a good girl and I am as clean as they come so trying to undertsand why he is doing this just kills me more.
I am absolutely heartbroken. But in my future i see marriage and kids and happiness and I don't want to lose him when he is sober but it just isnt worth staying with his addiction. I just dont know hw much rehab can actually do to help. I am so lost and so sad. I just wanted to see if there was someone to talk to whp has recently been through this or is going through it.
Thanks for listening/reading
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Bergie0913 859006057 (10-02-2012), Belly Kelly (10-14-2012)
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time and being pulled in two different directions. One thing I would suggest is looking into finding and attending an ALANON meeting. These are a group of folks struggling to live with someone who has an addiction issue. They can teach you what you can and can't do or what you can and can't expect out of an addict. There's obviously tons of literature online.
I lived with a full blown alcoholic for many many years and nothing I said had any impact on her. It’s simply out of our hands. The simple fact is that you didn't cause this and you can't fix it!
I wish you all the best and please arm yourself with as much information as you can so you can intellectually understand what's going on with him. I'm sorry but all that information won't help you so much emotionally but it can help. Good Luck!
Last edited by Whoopee; 10-16-2012 at 10:54 AM.
Reason: meant can't fix it, not "can".
I'm sorry too about your situation but you must recognize that he is an addict and he needs to get to the bottom and get himself help. You need to be strong and leave him and that may cause him to hit bottom. Don't listen to his pleas and cries but set your boundaries and get help from Al-Anon. Don't enable him anymore because if you do, it will continue. He needs to see the consequences of his actions and if he loves you and respects you then if you leave him, he will have to make the choice, is he more in love with cocaine or making a relationship and life with you. You have to make that choice. Find people who will be there to support you or to have an intervention for him. He is killing himself and needs help but only he can help himself. Best wishes. Stay strong.
Thank you for the advice. He came home almost 36 hours later. It was the WORST binge he has ever done since our relationship began. I told him he had to move back home because I did not want him living with me and I am not sure about the relationship.
He gets into our rehab tomorrow finally. He cried for almost a week straight everyday saying he doesnt want to be the personhe has become and he told me he had hit rock bottom.
I hope rehab can help him to change, I just worry about how much rehab can actually do. i do not want to go through this ever again and that is what makes me have doubt about this relationship working out.
I really want it to work out. I know he has finished paying off the ring. Makes me sad because I am torn on what is the right thing for me. He feels like the one but he will be an addict the rest of his life whether he is using or not and it scares me that he could relaps even 5 years down the road.
I was in a relationship with a cocaine addict. He got himself accepted into rehab, but walked out after 9 days in, saying he was "cured". The following week, he went on a week-long binge. This turned into several binges, each lasting more than a week. He eventually got arrested and then got arrested again. Finally, I cut off all contact with him when he was supposed to be coming over to my house, but on the way he'd stopped to sell some car parts, and we all know what addicts do when they get their hands on some cash. So he never arrived and I stopped all contact with him.
This man had stolen from me to support his habit and had stolen from several other people, including family. He could never keep a job because whenever he got his first paycheck he disappeared on a bender. After I left him, I found out he reconciled with a former girlfriend who also used. They had 2 children together, which he claimed motivated him to stay straight. They didn't, because a couple of years later he got arrested again for domestic violence, drugs and theft and he ended up getting sentenced to 4 years in prison. He just recently got out and by all accounts has nothing.
I believe rehab could have helped my ex if he'd truly wanted to get sober and if he'd stayed in the program. I would recommend you see how your boyfriend does in rehab. Will he stick with the program? Will he stay for the entire program? Once he's out, will he attend meetings and "work" the program? Will he avoid temptation and people and places that will encourage him to use? Will he get and keep a steady job? If he does all of these things and truly works to stay sober, he could be the best thing that happens to you. I have friends who are former users (they both recently celebrated 11 years sober) and they are terrific people. They work the program and have succeeded.
I'd wait and see how he is after completing the program. And I definitely would NOT marry him until he's been out of the program and living sober for at least a year.
Run - you deserve better than this! You can't fix him and your relationship is already based on distrust. Even if he gets clean, you will always be checking his bank account and wondering when he will run out for his next binge.
My advice, move on. If in 1-2 years your paths cross again and he tells you that he is still clean, then start over. But now is not the time to be dating a drug addict and thinking about kids. He needs help and only he can see that. Best for him to be set free.
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
My boyfriend just got into our rehab here today. We shed tears as we said goodbye. I left sad and scared. But he called tonight and sounded like he was in very high spirits and told me about his day there and that he attended his first AA Meeting this go around and he received a keychain. He then went on to explain that he gets one once he is 30 days clean, then 60, then 90.
I hope he applys himself and we never go through this again.
Thank you for your advice. I am not looking to run from him though. He has gotten better since he first started. I know it doesn't sound good to say it like that. I know he truly loves me and he has NEVER hurt me or stolen from me or dangered my life in anyway.
He wants to rid this addiction sooo bad. He has cried endless nights and it is not tears of forgiveness. It is tears of shame, guilt, defeat, remorse. He is totally fine for howver long and then the "addict" comes out and it's like tunnel vision and the only thing on his mind is cocaine.
I hope that he can finally kick the addiction and become the man he wants to be. I swore over my life that if he does it again (and I have told him) that I am done and moving on because I wont waste my life with this Bull****.
But thanks again for your advice, and I totally understand where you are coming from. Its always different from the outside looking in. If I heard of someone going through this I would prob tell them to run too but you cant really know the situation or the people unless you have met them and seen it for yourself I guess.
One way to deal with this dilemma is to be his friend first if you cannot get up and leave him. Break it up and become a friend that supports his rehab. Sometimes it is more positive if you stay as a friend. This way you can help him and yet you can find yourself other dates. I don't think you need to play this waiting game. Just be there as a friend. One day when he recovers, if you guys are still available for each other, you can continue this relationship. In the mean time, I think he needs to go through rehab without any string attached. Marriage or love could be a false pretense or blessing and his recovery may not be 100%.
Thanks, it is nice to hear different opinions. He is on day 5 and seems to be doing good. He talks very positive and says he is happy to be doing this. We talk usually everynight at about 10 for 5 to 10 minutes max. He tells me about his day and the courses he is taking.
I feel very proud of him and I am sticking by his side as a girlfriend. I truly believe this is what he wants and his parents tell me that too. Every other time he has gone to rehab he has been booted out as he did not care and was just going to make the people in his life happy. This time he tells me about the people who obviouslly don't want to be there and how it is frustrating and irratating.
I have been finding this EXTREMELY difficult as I miss him so much and I just want his sober self back. He is so amazing and fun and the best boyfriend I have ever had minus the drug addiction. I have cried lots and it is hard sleeping alone and trying to keep preoccupied and smile when I just want him here.
But I know this is for the best and I told him before he went that if he left rehab early that I would never speak to him again. I promised it. He doesn't say he wants to come home. He says he misses me but that it feels good to be getting help.
I love him so much. Argh. Wish there was an easy way to get rid of this addiction. I know our lives with go through struggles with it, but as long as he can find solutions when he has cravings and doesn't use then I will support him.
Thanks again for your responses. I really appreciate it!!
Have not written for a while but thought I would update... My boyfriend(ex) went to rehab and completed his 30 days. We didn't see each other much while he was in there so that he could stay focused on recovery. We wrote each other a few letters and such and he explained how he was so happy he was doing this for us and that he cannot wait to start a new clean life with me.
Well he got out in November and we had already gotten a house. So we moved about a week after he came home about 15 minutes out of town. Everything seemed very weird. He was extremely distant and we were not connecting at all. Then we started fighting everyday or we just wouldn't talk to each other. Very sad.
Then he said I just need to get away for the weekend to clear my head. I couldn't stop him, and honestly I needed the space from him as well. While he was gone he hardly messaged me at all. It hurt so bad. He felt like a completely different person.
When he came home, things were worse. I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom. Then I moved back home to my parents. I thought maybe he was just overwhelmed with his recovery. I had only lived in our new home for about a week and a half.
Then he invited me over for a movie. So I went there. We had a great night and had fun but he was drinking. There was quite a bit of booze bottles around the house. I told him not to substitute his last addiction with a new one. He then said he was going to go get us a coffee. So i packed a few more clothes to bring with me back home while I waited for him to return, and then i saw his wallet laying on the ground. So of course I went through it.
I found a receipt from a superstore out of town for chips and condoms. It killed me. I left as he was coming in and he said over and over again that he bought them for us. That he thought we should be safer blah blah blah. I still left, broken.
We were still talking from separate houses and then I went back to get some stuff and he said he had to work. So i was packing somethings and went to go into the master bedroom but the door was locked. So i picked the lock.
When i got in there I found tons of love letters from a girl who was in rehab with him. I broke, my world shattered in front of my eyes. I could not believe he could do this.
We have now been broken up for 2 months, and she is now living with him in our new home. I know I am so better off without him. Still hurts. But I am getting better. And I found at from a friend of his that he has definitley used since we broke up. It makes me sad cuz I don't want him to die or ruin his life. But it is out of my hands now.
I just want to stop caring about him. I don't want him back but part of me feels like I still need to worry about him and i hate it