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Old 11-27-2012, 03:38 PM   #1
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my bf's addiction and lies

Hi.... I'm not even 100% where to start so I guess the beginning is the best as any... and I apologize in advance for anyone who finds this too long... I feel the more details the better the picture u get.... here goes nothing...

My bf and I got together almost 6 months ago, literally within days of me pulling the plug on my marriage (no, I was not having an affair. We were friends and the attraction could not be ignored anymore, plus my ex was a cheater who posted ads online for one nite stands and such( I sure know how to pick 'em!!) ) . In the beginning, I noticed my bf had a real thing for his beer ( min. 6-12 tall boys a day) but I chalked it off to bacholor life/hot summer days. Then I started to notice here and there remarks or comments in regards to pills, and eventually he was starting to push me to take percocets with him. Yes, on occasion, I did. Only when my children were gone for the nite and I had no responsibilities to face for at least 24-36 hours (I have a 9 & 6 y/o from my marriage). I have refused to use them now for about a month and want nothing else to do with pills.
Since then, he has admitted to an addiction to Seboxone, which he was obtaining off the street. He has sworn tho, that he hasn't used any oxys, percs, coke, or anything else since a few weeks after we got together.
Today, after consulting his doc last week on help to get clean, we went to a methadone clinic to start a program to get clean. He asked me to fill out the questionnaire for him. So as we go thru it asks for ur drug history. It asks about various drugs, frequency, dosage, ingestion method, start use and last used. Where it says oxycontin he admitted to previously being DAILY use of 40-80mg, by snorting, (claiming still he hasn't touched it in months) and the last usage being approx. a month and a half ago!
Next, on Sunday just past, he called me saying his buddy was selling percs but he didn't want anything to do with them for himself. I asked him straight out if he used any percs on Sunday and he said no. Now, today, as we were driving to the clinic, he mentioned having obtained 2 percs, and when I called him out on his lie, he tried to change the subject, and say he only took 1, and then claimed he didn't remember what happened to the second one or that maybe he took it later that nite.
Then, on the questionnaire it asked usage of cocaine/crack and he first said he did what dated to be a little more then a month ago. He tried to play it down with "but hunnie, I only did a tiny line! Not much! Nothing like what Joe Blow and John Doe were doing that nite!! I never touched that other stuff!!" ( referring apparently to crystal meth). As soon as he said he did coke I handed him the questionnaire, and walked out on him leaving him at the clinic to fend for himself.
I have told him from the beginning I never have nor ever would tolerate cocaine/crack and regular pill usage. Since I left him at the clinic he has called repeatedly trying to say he got his dates mixed up and that he hasn't touched coke since before we got together cuz he hates it and he won't touch it, etc. As well as his story keeps changing about the last time he "relapsed" with oxycontin, going from it being back in late July/early august to now on paper writing about a month and a half ago.
I don't know what to believe!! I dont know if its ALL been lies or its cuz hes afraid to lose me and thats why he's hid stuff or what?!?! He says he didnt want to hurt me but he knows to me kies are like cheating. I can't trust what u say to me which makes me question the WHOLE relationship from the very beginning!
It hurts so bad right now cuz HE made me feel alive again and the 6-8 of my marriage I felt dead. I never expected to actually fall IN love again, especially THIS fast!! Help me!! I'm so lost and hurt idk what to do :'(

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:43 AM   #2
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

Hello Gingermama and welcome.

At this point in time,please realize that he is an addict and an addict will lie and/or steal to get what they want.
It's sad to say but you are not priority number one to him but somewhere further down the line;much further.

Until he's ready to "man-up" and do something about his addictions,you can only expect more of the deceit and betrayal of trust currently being experienced.

The kids need you and here's the thing.....
You still haven't seemed to give yourself the deserved time to heal from the effects of the marriage.It had to take it's toll on you.
Could it be that you just wanted to feel good again;appreciated,the way a mother of two children should?
It's re-assuring;the fact you are distancing yourself from pills.
The relationship with your boyfriend can only go downhill from here;there's no "up" side here.

Please understand that he can actually have an effect on your children,once he begins to affect you.

You owe both yourself and your two children better than this.This can happen but you must take the necessary steps to make it so.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 11-29-2012, 01:26 AM   #3
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

Hello Gingermama

Welcome. :-)

I am glad to see that you realize this is a serious state of affairs and have reached out for help.

Phoenix is spot on in all of his words to you. Spot on.

I say to you gently, but with hope that you hear me loudly... get out of this relationship and move on. Tune out the crying, the pleas, the "I love you's." He may care about you, but until he cares for himself enough to do what he has to do.. by himself...there is no hope at all here. Stop answering his calls, lock your doors to keep him out, and stay totally clear.

He has a long road ahead of him, a really, really long road. Addicts need not only to get off the drugs, but a great deal of professional help in dealing with underlying issues. If he were really working to find recovery, he himself would know to stay away from you for his own sake. Detoxing and recovery are a totally personal thing and we need to be selfish in finding it. We do not have room in our lives for any emotional commitments during the process. How long does the proces take? In an ideal setting, no less than a year. However, addicts often slip during the process of finding recovery and it can easily take two to three years for an addict who has been into as much as he has to truly become a restored human being.

I would say one more thing gently to you... find professional help for yourself. Help to deal with the conflicts that led to divorce and help to discover what it is that would allow you to even consider this man as possible relationship material. You have written, "I sure know how to pick 'em!!. Young friend, you need to discover why you would pick these men.

We get one shot in this life and we need to make it count.. for ourselves and for our children. When we learn to hold ourselves in esteem, we are teaching our children to do the same.

Hope you stick around and let us know how it is going. We care and will support you along the way.

Hugs
reach

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:32 PM   #4
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

WOW. I can 100% relate to you. I walked out on a 17 year long ok but boring relationship for my now husband of 4 months. I was so happy in the beginning, I felt like it was the first time I really felt love and a connection to someone so perfect for me. Well unfortunately this changed. The stage you are in sounds very similar to my experience when I first started to see red flags. Unfortunately it did not get any better, I too began thinking back to things earlier in the relationship and if it was real or not. The more I look back, the more I'm beginning to realize that the drugs were most likely always there for him. He got me into them for a little bit but not like him I was able to do them briefly but then stop before it got out of hand. When I really started to notice there was a problem was when we both agreed to stop yet they kept surfacing. And of course he always had a perfectly good explanation for everything I caught him with...I'm sure they sounded believable to him but his stories to me were absolutely ridiculous. I actually caught his dealer asking him how much of something he wanted on text and when I asked him ***, he said that he asked his dealer to text that just so he could see if I would check his phone!!! His lies have gotten worse and more ridiculous, he's claimed to have "found" probably a pound of coke in his condo that I used to live at and know wasn't there! Eventually I got sick of playing detective all the time and got my own place. The lies still continue and I am actually 18 weeks pregnant with his baby and trying to get a divorce. Things have escalated so badly that I am considering fleeing the state so he can't get any type of custody of the child. My point is that I REALLY wished I wouldn't have blown the first red flags off because the more I look back, the worse I feel about the excuses I used to take and make for him. My advice is to trust your gut and understand that addiction can make a person do stupid things, including lying to the people they love. I hope this helps you! Keep us posted!
S

 
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Old 12-23-2012, 05:06 AM   #5
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

To all of u that have replied,
Thank you for ur support. It is greatly appreciated, especially since I really feel I have nobody in my so called circle of "friends" that I can confide in. And I don't want to worry or stress my family over this stuff. I am a strong believer of if u make ur bed u lie in it and therefore my parents and sister & b.i.l should not have this placed on their shoulders.
Anyways, just to update, last nite I kicked my bf out and told him we are done. He was in an argumentative mood all evening and I told him the only way he was welcome to come back to my house was if he was sober and had calmed down. I was watching a movie with my kids and half dozing curled up with them when he showed up. It wasn't long after that before he started trying to argue with me and I told him to shut it or leave. I didn't want that crap in front of my kids. So in retaliation he called the cops on ME!! He claimed I was smoking weed in the bathroom with the kids here and he felt he should leave cuz he didn't appreciate such behavior!! I have NEVER done such a thing nor would i ever!!! He was on the phone in my backyard trying to get me to come out and talk to him and the police while on the phone. I only opened the door long enough to tell him to leave, he is drunk, making up lies, and looking to fight. He was on the phone the whole time and idk if they heard me or not but refused to open the door after that keeping both doors locked. He did this in front of my children!! He was yelling out that I smoke marijuana in the house with the kids and of course they heard everything!! My son came out the the kitchen ready to defend me and fight for him mama!! He's only 9!! I could see the anger in his eyes and he told me after "mom, don't u worry! If the cops show up here, I got ur back!" I of course told him not to worry, mommy can handle it. He was ready to be more of a man then most grown men I know!!
I put the kids to bed shortly there after and that was that for them. My bf on the other hand repeatedly called and text me after I kept telling him to leave me alone and that we no longer have anything to say to each other. I told him u made up ******** and risked my kids. We are done and he sealed the deal with his actions. I'm sure tho today my phone will start to ring soon... msgs going from one extreme to the next.... calling me names one minute and telling me how terrible I am, etc, to telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me!
The real hard part.... I do love him.... and right now it feels like my heart is shattered again and have yet again I've been shown letting ppl close only burns me in the end and I'm better off keeping my walls up!! I'm not gonna let him back in that is for sure but now.... its gonna be a long time if ever that I let anyone else back in.
Thank you again for ur support and kind words, it is nice to have anonymous strangers not judge and can relate to. Thank you to all.

Last edited by mod85; 12-23-2012 at 09:21 AM.

 
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Old 12-24-2012, 03:53 AM   #6
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gingermama View Post
To all of u that have replied,
Thank you for ur support. It is greatly appreciated, especially since I really feel I have nobody in my so called circle of "friends" that I can confide in.
My son came out the the kitchen ready to defend me and fight for him mama!! He's only 9!! I could see the anger in his eyes and he told me after "mom, don't u worry! If the cops show up here, I got ur back!" I of course told him not to worry, mommy can handle it. He was ready to be more of a man then most grown men I know!!
The real hard part.... I do love him.... and right now it feels like my heart is shattered again and have yet again I've been shown letting ppl close only burns me in the end and I'm better off keeping my walls up!! I'm not gonna let him back in that is for sure but now.... its gonna be a long time if ever that I let anyone else back in.
Gingermama,

You're welcome.
That's what we do here;offer advice,support and opinions in a non-judgemental fashion.
Your son already seems to be affected by the strained relationship.Reassuring him that things will be alright through actions should resonate volumes(a hug every now and then never hurts also,while you heal. .

Place up those barriers but only high enough so he can no longer climb over and infiltrate.Please be careful not to place them up so high that other potentially worthy individuals won't have a chance of reaching you.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 12-27-2012, 09:43 PM   #7
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

Yes, it's true... you DO know how to pick 'em! You've been exposed to so many lies and that is one of the worst forms of abuse. He made you feel alive, yet at the same time he was lying to you... As the fire of that early romance burnt off, as it always did, all you were left with was lies, lies, and more lies... and they never stopped... they not only continued, they increased.

You may need to accept professional help, but at the very least please seek out alanon. You will receive the support you need and there is no cost. You and your children deserve much better.

When your self-esteem grows, you will realize more and more how much you are hurting yourself, and in turn, your children.

You sound like you are a wonderful mother, because of the values you hold on to. Give everyone a break and find yourself a man who will love you, your children, and the life you can build for each other. Don't sell yourself short.

I know. For many years I was an addict, and I hurt my wife in similar ways. The lies never stop. They're all based on fear. The fear of losing what I have, and the fear of not getting what I want. But I am in recovery, and no longer wish to hurt myself or others.

Be strong. Seek support, advice, and companionship here. We are all here to help eachother.

Last edited by SeekerofLight; 12-27-2012 at 09:46 PM. Reason: Wanted to add last paragraph

 
Old 12-27-2012, 09:54 PM   #8
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Re: my bf's addiction and lies

hi, I would go straight away and get a peace warrant (I think that's what they are called) to keep him away from you and your children so he can't come back on your property and you have this documented a the police station.

I agree about going to alanon those folks can give you great tips on what to do, where to go in an emergency situation, etc.

This guy is definitely an addict and an addict will do ANYTHING to get what they want.

I would check with the school to see if they offer some sort of free counseling for the children, it wouldn't hurt. See where the kids stand and how they are really doing. Any changes in grades or anything?

Good luck and please let us know how you are doing.

oh yeah, did you say you changed the locks on the doors? Maybe consider getting an alarm system, they really are not that expensive.

Cathy

 
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