This is a really long story but I'll try to make it short. I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been on the rocks for a few months. I will be very honest here, my husband and I started out occasionally doing coke and E for fun like during concerts and special occasions, well then it turned to doing it much more often on not so special occasions. Then we realized it was getting out of hand and it went from both of us agreeing to stop it, to me stopping and him lying to me constantly about it. He would tell me that he wasn't doing anything but then I would find it in the house after suspecting he was. He would always deny it, saying that he didn't know it was there or saying that he "found" it hidden in the house but wasn't going to do it...we all know the routine. So after so many times of this I decided that I needed to find out what was really going on. I began spying on him by monitoring his texts to find out that he was still texting his connection to buy it. Of course I would never tell him how I would keep finding it, he would just get upset at me that "I didn't trust him". But how could I trust him when it kept showing up and I'm blatantly giving him a hundred dollar bill to get groceries or pay a specific bill, to have him leave the house saying he was going to pay that bill, to check his texts as see him ask his connection for $100 worth of coke/E, then come back home, go to the bathroom, I watch him hide it in the trash through a hole in the wall, then I go get it after he hides it, then ask him where it came from and he tries to convince me that he found it again in the house and was threw it away weeks ago and that it had just been in the trash the whole time. I'm not stupid. So situations like this were reoccurring as I continued to monitor him lying to me. Finally I realized that he must either have a serious problem or he just really thinks I'm stupid. So I tell him that I've been watching his text and saw every time he lied to me. He still denies it, he says that he knew I was watching him and he was trying to see if he could trust me and the texts were tests for me to see if I trusted him. He really doesn't realize how bad he looks in all of these situations, and if he wanted me to trust him, why wouldn't he just not play games and just not have those texts...I know I'm not stupid. So I moved out and cancelled the phone I was monitoring him on, I was done letting my lack of trust rule my life as I was constantly checking on him. I figured if he won't get clean for me then I wasn't going to stick around and let him continue to lie to me. So flash forward a couple months, I haven't been able to spy on him and he tells me he is not doing any drugs or even talking to his connection. He does really seem more level headed so after talking about how we are going to mend the broken trust, we decide to take things slow and go out on dates. So we went on a couple dates and for the past two days have been doing really well. So I'm at his house and he goes into the bathroom to take a shower and locks the door which he never does...from outside the bathroom I hear him snort, I've done it, I know what it sounds like. So I try to open the door to discover it's locked. Instead of opening the door he jumps in the shower. I finally get him to unlock the door to find the normal bathroom counter area we've used to do coke was wiped off and wet. So while he is in the shower I look around the counter a little closer, I wipe my hand around where he wiped and find powder, I taste it...tangy/stingy like I remember. So I tell him...I heard snorts and see powder. He says that he has a cold and used some Afrin in his nose and the powder was from toothpaste even though it's in little white powder form, not toothpaste droplets. So I ask him if he has any. He confesses that he kept some in his medicine cabinet to remind him of how much he hates it and it ruined his life, I ask him to dump it in the toilet and after trying to convince me that he wasn't doing it but leaving it there as a reminder not to do it, I told him it would make me feel better if I knew he didn't have it, so he flushed it. We moved on with our day and had a good time together, I guess I wanted to believe him. So later that night he ran into the gas station store while I waited in the car. His phone gets a text so I look at it. It's his connection "so how soon do you want to come get these?" it says. My husband comes back to the car and the look on my face tells him exactly what I just saw (he had been texting him for a while, I just didn't ask who it was). So before I could utter a question he says that the text was a set up to see if I was still spying on him and he gets upset at me for not trusting him. Which leads us right back to square one. It really seems like he is trying to fly straight but slips up and instead of telling me the truth, he continues to lie about it. So I guess my question to anyone who understands this is why would he continue to lie to me. Especially when we were doing so well. By the way, I am 17 weeks pregnant and he has been trying to show me that he is ready to be a father...I don't know. Any advice or input would be much much appreciated. Was I wrong for spying on him or checking his texts. Does he deserve that privacy and trust??? I can't just trust him on faith, or should I? I just want him to be sober and not lie to me, am I asking too much or in the wrong way? Please help!!!
It looks like he's not ready to surrender to his habit.
Having the cake and eating it too seems to be a mantra carried around and about.
Desperate times call for equal measures.
You had strong suspicions and there were but a few ways to get to the bottom of things.He didn't make matters any better;leaving "clues" around.
You are pregnant and don't need any undue stress at this time.Please take this into consideration.
Unless he owns up to his addiction and begins to do something to prevent going into relapse mode,you can only expect more of the same(sad but true).
With respect to answering the title of your thread,you can begin to trust a recovering addict in increments.As you know,trust takes time and requires patience.
Consider yourself fortunate,as it appears you no longer are indulging.Many find it difficult a difficult task to just say no.
Please take care of both yourself and your unborn child;priorities one and two in your life(unless you have other children).
Thank you so much for your reply. You are right, I am no longer indulging. I always felt that, yes, it was fun every once in a while but he had a harder time resisting. When the lying started (or I discovered it) it when I knew the indulging had to stop, getting pregnant just sealed the deal, I'm done, like a light switch. He doesn't seem to be in the same mindset. It's hard because I love him and when he is sober we have a great time but I think over time the drugs have messed with his head and he gets unnecessary anxiety, paranoia and feels he has to lie about things to distort reality. I really think he might believe his lies at times.
"So I guess my question to anyone who understands this is why would he continue to lie to me. Especially when we were doing so well. "
Because that is the nature of addiction, an addict will do whatever it takes to be comfortable and continue on with the addiction and that usually involves lying. Although it sounds like it was recreational for you, he is addicted and you need to realize that nothing will come before that, not you, and not your unborn child. The addiction, the lying, the deals, will all continue until he decides that enough is enough. The problem is that most addicts, and it doesn't matter what the type of addiction is, they won't quit until they realize that the addiction has cost them everything, and sometimes even then they still won't quit. My advice is walk away and take care of yourself and your baby, he hasn't quit, he has no intention of quitting, and he is just going to keep using and lying until he hits bottom (and even then he may not quit). This is what addiction is all about and to any addict, the behaviour/substance will win out against everything else.
The Following User Says Thank You to captjane For This Useful Post: Phoenix (12-22-2012)
sadinsd, it is devastating. Addiction is such a powerful thing and it changes a person because they become more and more a slave to the addiction and they'll do whatever it takes to protect it. Honestly, it could take years before it plays itself out and he gets clean, and it won't be a happy life for you and your daughter. He's already shown you that losing you and the baby isn't enough motivation to get clean, it's going to take a lot more discomfort and loss for him to be ready. *hugs*