I need advice. My husband has struggled with addictions for several years. We have 2 small children and I am so tired of worrying. His first addiction was Xanax. It was like I lived with a zombie. He was checked out completely. He would come home, sit in front of the tv, and completely zone out. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to put a bat through the tv. He got drunk while on xanax and put his truck in a ditch, got drunk while on xanax and kissed my neighbor, took too many and fell asleep while watching my kids. These events all happened relatively close together. I told him I was leaving him the day I came home from grocery shopping and found him passed out while my infant lay on the floor and my 2 year old sat screaming in his high chair. He told me he would get off the meds and we even went to his doctor together and had him wean him off. The next drug was percocet after he hurt his back at work. He has taken those for about 2 years. He couldn't take them as prescribed so I would lock them in a safe and give him his pills. One day it seemed like there weren't as many pills as there should be so I kept a count of them and realized he was getting the keys out my purse and taking them and still getting me to give him his normal dose. I started hiding the keys and he always found them.
I asked him out of love if he felt like he needed help and he would get angry and defensive. He then quit telling me when he filled the prescription. I used his car one day and found a prescription bottle for Percocets (90 pills). It had been filled 14 days prior and only had a few left and when I checked the description on the bottle found that they were not even the pills that had been prescribed. I confronted him about it and he said he took all of his and got more from his mom. I had enough and was angry that he was driving our kids around while taking that many percocets. I told him to leave.
We went to couple's counseling and he said he got off the pills. He started working out and was making these great promises. I took him back after a month (which in hindsight was completely dumb).
Since I took him back he has again "hurt his back". He has gotten more percocets and when he just ran out and started having withdrawal symptoms went to the doctor and got hydrocodone cough syrup for a cough and flu like symtoms which I suspect are just caused by the withdrawal.
He saw that I was looking up info about percocet addiction when he used my computer and asked me about it. I broke down and cried and told him I was so tired of this cycle and so tired of worrying all the time. He said he was done with them (once again). The same day I found text messages on his cell to 2 different people asking them if they could get him lortabs or percocets. I don't know what to do at this point. My friends and family says I should leave and demand that he get professional help. It's so hard. I don't want to continue living like this but I feel guilty for breaking up my family. I do love him and he does have moments of being sweet and being a good dad. I guess I just need some advice from people that have been there. Sorry for being so long winded and thanks for any advice. It is very much appreciated. PS- after reading this through I sound completely pathetic. Why is it so hard to leave??
The following user gives a hug of support to mom22sons: Phoenix (12-21-2012)
Hi, I am sorry for your situation. There have been many successes using the drug clonidine to treat opioid addiction. It is a drug used to treat high blood pressure and it takes the edge off of the withdrawal process. The side effect is sleepiness which is ok, better asleep than awake during the recovery period. Many years ago I substituted drugs for exercise and have been drug free for many years. It sounds as if your husband knows his way around the gym and would be a great outlet for him. If he is non compliant with getting better. I think for the safety of the children that he leaves until he is ready to get better. A tough love policy may be your only alternative as it seems you have tried everything else. Addicts are only concerned with short term gratification, it's a difficult thing to compete with but I am sure you know all of this. I hope it all works out for you and you can all come together as a happy family again.
The following user gives a hug of support to lenvegas: Phoenix (12-22-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to lenvegas For This Useful Post: mom22sons (01-01-2013)
I am so sorry to hear about this situation.
What I can tell you is for opiod addiction, he is probably going to need a professional's help. The best thing he can do is go and be honest with the dr who prescribes them (you can go with him to make sure he is honest) and the dr can help him wean off of them so he wont go though w/ds. Doing that will also prevent him from prescribing them again.
Then comes the mental addiction,which and addiction specialist can help him through. There are also support groups all over for his type of addiction.You can look up them up online. There are support groups for the families as well.
I know you love him so give him the option of getting help or you will leave. I went through this and no matter how much you love him, he has to want to stop. You can not make him. Sometimes hard love is all that works.
Good luck and we are always here to support you!!
btw you are not pathetic, its called love.
The following user gives a hug of support to ctrue: Phoenix (12-22-2012)
Hi. Happy holidays as much as they can be. You've been through a lot and you are doing all the right things. Stay positive. Coming from an ex alcoholic he is an addict and needs help but you are not responsible ... He is. This is like déjà vu but in reverse. He won't change with you telling him too, change has to come from him. It almost always has to come from loosing everything (it did in my case).
Ok. So again from experience - leaving him is all an individual thing for you and him. I developed alcoholism late in life it hit me like a rock. Long story short my ex moved out with kids. Good and bad for me. Good in that it freaked me out but bad in that I was home alone in a big house depressed and kept drinking. I finally came around went to rehab and got them back. But addiction doesn't end like that. When things got back to normal I was like "I'm fine". And she thought so too so I started to drink again albeit at a normal level at first. She even told me on our annual vacation to st Martin to drink as I always enjoyed this on vacation. So here we were both at fault. Back from st Martin couldn't stop again. Got a DUI and went to rehab.
Here's where I don't recommend doing this. In rehab my employer let me go and she knew this. But next day I was served divorce papers in rehab - my situation became the joke of the rehab me laughing included (ie come on! Fired one day divorce the next). Six months of a problem and no love to help work it out. I have still not talked to her about this (2 years later) we only talk about kids, visitation, child support even though I begged in the beginning to just sit down with me after 12 years of marriage so I understand such a swift exit. Nothing.
Here's what I mean by wrong way to do it. I drank for 1.5 years after this she did this to me. It scarred me big time. I lost another job, got a second DUI - which put me in jail for 38 days, and she took my small children away from me for 9 months while I did weekly alcohol testing. This hurt kids terribly.
So. I'm still unemployed living in a small apartment on disability - having come from a $1.4M home and a $600k per year job. NOW I'm sober. See I hit bottom and know it will all come back to me if I just don't drink. I'm happier than ever - me and my dog in a two bedroom.
So with that: yes leaving may be your only option. But don't do it like my ex did it will prolong his recovery like it did mine. Sit him down, talk, tell him you love him but that he needs help and has to work on this ON HIS OWN. You are there for him and he will see kids but get better. Don't offer reconciliation or not. Keep it open but say healing takes a long time and I'm just not ready to talk about our relationship/future until we Both begin to heal. You will probably need to get a legal separation for money matters and such but this is not divorce. But again YOU need to heal too!
This way you're giving him some motivation to get clean without pulling the rug out from under him and in which case he could die of addiction. But most importantly you are taking care of YOU and the kids first without sending him back to addiction due to no compassion as my ex did.
Finally everyone's bottom is different. But most bottoms give a wake up call to get ones life back. Mine took a while because the way my ex did it (with no goodbye explanation of why not give me time etc) really screwed with my head. But now that I'm at peace with it and am humbly living in a one bedroom town low income housing I'm VERY sober and looking forward to a new year, new job and meeting my soul mate.
Good luck. Russ.
Last edited by mod85; 12-22-2012 at 05:39 PM.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Sadhu mom22sons (01-01-2013), Phoenix (12-22-2012)
I need advice. My husband has struggled with addictions for several years. We have 2 small children and I am so tired of worrying. He couldn't take them as prescribed so I would lock them in a safe and give him his pills. I started hiding the keys and he always found them.
I asked him out of love if he felt like he needed help and he would get angry and defensive. He said he was done with them (once again). It's so hard.
I don't want to continue living like this but I feel guilty for breaking up my family. I do love him and he does have moments of being sweet and being a good dad.
Why is it so hard to leave??
Hello mom22sons and welcome.
I chose a few excerpts from your post that seemed to have the most impact.Please,when you are ever in doubt,read this and I hope that it will help to re-affirm your stance.
Know that you did what you had to,in order to protect both yourself and your children.
You didn't break the family up;his addiction did and if one day(and I do hope soon)he decides to admit this to himself,then there may still be hope.
Leaving you with but a few options,he essentially drove you away.
If you weigh the good times against the further potential harm he potentially can cause your family,the painful reality will reveal itself.
After reading this thoroughly,you appear to be a person who loves herself enough to realize that the children are the ones who need protecting,at all costs.
The only thing pathetic is the fact that his addiction is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for all concerned. When he enters a room,the tension will immediately be felt,even if cloaked with loving emotions.
His addiction is too real to be ignored and potentially too dangerous to tolerate.
With Sincere Respect
When in doubt, post it out.
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoenix For This Useful Post: mom22sons (01-01-2013)
Thank you all for the encouragement and advice. It helps so much to know that I am not alone in this. I had another talk with him and asked him if he wanted me to call an addiction counselor and he told me that he was going to try one more month of doing it on his own. I have heard this before.
He went back to the pain management doctor yesterday and told them he didn't want the percocets. They prescribed him lortabs. He said he is going to take them right this time. I told him that it is very hard for me to believe that. The last time he had them prescribe lortabs he ended up going to urgent care saying he hurt his back so he could get more percocets. I wish that he could do it on his own but I don't think it is possible. He admits he is addicted but still denies certain things and believes he can kick it on his own. I also think he got percocets because he has been having red glassy eyes and has been sweating a lot and it took me 3 tries to wake him up this morning.
I'll count the lortabs tomorrow to see how many he has taken. He told me he only took 3 today. He agreed that he would get professional help if he couldn't manage them on his own. We will see if he actually does.
I asked him yesterday when he was going to run out of his pills. He told me that he was going to run out on time. I told him I didn't believe him and that I had counted his pills. He said that he was going down to only taking 2 a day so he wouldn't run out. When I told him that I was having trouble believing him he got defensive and said that he would handle it.
I found the pill bottle yesterday evening and he only had 39 pills left out of 90 which was filled a little after lunch time on the 27th. That's around 8-10 a day. even if he took 2 a day for the rest of the month he would run out 11 days early. Thus begins the endless cycle of running out too soon, trying to get pills from somewhere else, saying he is done with them because he is in withdrawal and feels terrible, then getting the pills again and feeling good and taking too many and running out too soon.
I talked to him today. I told him I was going to call a counselor because I needed someone to talk to. He got pretty upset and said I could go talk to whoever I wanted. I asked him if he wanted to come with me and he said he didn't want to talk about it then, we could talk about it later. We ended the call.
I called him back and told him that I loved him and that was why I was doing this. That we need to talk to someone who has experience in dealing with addiction. I told him that I have been doing a lot of research and that I feel he is not going to be able to stop on his own. Not because he is weak but because the drug is so strong. I repeatedly told him that I love him and that we are in this together and we can get through it together. I told him that talking to someone who knows what he is going through may help him. I asked him again if he wanted to go with me and he said he would think about it.
Please pray that he goes with me.
The following user gives a hug of support to mom22sons: Phoenix (01-03-2013)
I am so sorry you have to go thru this. There is nothing easy about being married to an addict. I am married to an addict. Your husband needs to get help. You need to know that there is nothing you can do for him except support him when he does get help. There will be times that you will think "if he loved me he would stop". do not take a personally when he doesn't stop. The addiction and his relationship with the pills is stronger than any family/love relationship. You didn't cause the addiction, nor can you stop it. He needs to do this, and unfortunetly he will probably have to lose everything before he is ready to do that. Are his parents and family aware of his addiction? Should they be? Addicts are the best liars, and when he tells you he's going to stop, it's a lie. At this point he will need help to stop. You are going to carry most of the pain from this addiction, and you need all the support you can get. I know that you don't want to leave... you love him, but you need to protect yourself and you children, before you go down with him. You may need to move out for awhile in order to make that happen. If he doesn't get help, this is going to get
worse, not better. It may be time he make a choice. You or the pills, and you need to stick with it until he is in a stable recovery plan. I will keep you and your kids in my prayers. God Bless you.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: jilas0127 mom22sons (01-07-2013), Phoenix (01-12-2013)