So, a little background info, my boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years and just moved in together in October. We are both almost 24, graduated college, and have jobs. Before we moved in together we both lived with our parents and we saw each other a couple times a week and usually only once on the weekend. My boyfriend is a bit over weight and 6'3" so he has a high tolerance for alcohol.
So, literally every single weekend since we've moved in his friend (who btw, graduated college almost a year ago, does not have a job and just plays video games all day) has been over to drink. My boyfriend and him will crush a 12 pack each at least and maybe a mixed drink or two. And then the weekend night that his friend doesn't come over and just the two of us are hanging out he still drinks a 6 pack even when I don't drink. I've brought it up to him many times that I'm uncomfortable with him drinking that much, especially when he drinks a 6 pack when I'm not even drinking. He doesn't see it as a problem and get defensive whenever I talk about it. When I ask "Why do you have to drink literally every Friday and Saturday" he responds with "I just like to relax after work and have a couple beers". But a couple beers in my opinion is 2, maybe 3. Not a 6 pack+.
His parents even noticed it was getting a bit ridiculous when he was living at home and expressed their concerns to him but he just gets defensive. I guess I never really noticed the drinking habits before when he was at his parents because I wasn't around all the time. Apparently when he lived at his parents his friend and he would play xbox online together and essentially drink a 12 pack when they were by themselves which is very weird to me because to me drinking is a social thing.
So, basically I'm not sure if this really is a problem or if he is just still in the college party stage especially since his friend is still not really a responsible adult with a job. My boyfriend doesn't let drinking get in the way of work, he never drinks and drives, gets in trouble with the law, or gets violent when drinking. He never drinks in the morning or during the week, just on Friday and Saturday nights (and the occasional night when he doesn't have work the next day, i.e. holidays, vacation days, etc) It's also really annoying that his friend literally comes over every single weekend and is kind of socially awkward and doesn't include me in conversations so I just hang out by myself in the office or bedroom when he's over. I don't really have any friends in the area because I just moved here so it's not like I can get away from it and go hang out with my friends. I'm just worried this is going to become more of a problem in the future and not sure if this is something I should be concerned about?
Please help!! Thanks
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: rawrrflower Phoenix (01-19-2013), reachout (01-22-2013)
Glad to meet you and glad to see you are wise enough to seek help in this.
As your thread title states "B[Boyfriend[/B] has a drinking problem." It is he that seriously needs help. He is a 'functional' drunk at the moment as Phoenix has written, but he will progress into a daily drunk. As addicts, we justify our abuse by feeling we are entitled to some "fun" and "relaxation" in life. It progresses in being our primary way to cope with any stress we encounter in life.
He an his friend have such a close bond because neither is going to be accusatory to the other about the drinking issue. And it is, indeed, an issue.
And another major issue, I say to you gently, is why you are tolerating this? Look at where it is leaving you on the weekends, Honey. It is not a way to live at all. A friend and booze have taken precedence in your boyfriend's life over you. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it is a truth that can be seen in your post.
Many wonderful, wonderful people have addiction issues. It is what they do with the issues that counts. Do they choose to continue the indulgence, or do they commit to the hard work to overcome? It is a decision each has to reach on his/her own. There can be no decision until something forces it to become a matter of choice.
What can force the choice? Boundaries. A mate will leave if help is not sought. A job is lost becausee of booze. A recognition of life going nowhere in some reflection. A horrible accident with booze behind it in some way.
Flower, in all honesty, I would advise you to get out now. I know, i know, you love him. I am sure you do. However, his side of the relationship is quite out of kilter. Why do you want to stay in such a lopsided relationship? You are worth so much more. Look who is the one seeking help... you! Sigh.
If you are determined to stay, then the first thing on the list for you is to seek out an Alan-non meeting. Meet with others who have traveled, or are traveling, the road you are on. Listen to what has worked or failed in their efforts to help an alcoholic. Seek personal counseling to figure out why you would even consider staying with a man like this. These are essential things to do.
Honey, I am speaking to you as an older woman who, 35 years ago,faced exactly what you are facing today. I had a man I loved, was married to, and had 3 children with. He is a wonderful man. He is also an alcoholic. However, the relationship had become so lopsided with his drinking that something had to change. I set the boundary.. and I had to be prepared to follow through on my words. I left took the children and left him. I told him that unless he sought help and did the work necessary to bring the addiction under control, he would lose his family. It was terribly hard to do, very painful, but it had to be done and I had to be as willing to live with the consequeces as him. Today, he has 35 years of sobriety behind him.
Think through your options. Stay in touch with us here. We do care and wish the best.