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Old 03-16-2013, 02:20 AM   #1
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Thumbs down ex left me for cocaine.Tell parents about his drug addiction? Help!?

I need to get second opinions and support on something that has been deeply troubling me. Recently I had to give my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years a choice to quit doing cocaine. I started realizing he was having problems with addiction. Long story short..guess what..he dumped me(big surprise). He has an a avoid-ant attachment style. He has worked his way up to Bartender for years at a local dive bar/art gallery. Although he has never liked drinking I noticed he began needing to be buzzed at work and started drinking a little more. But what started to concern me is that he was doing coke up to 3 times a week. He has been heavily addicted to it in the past. I also began to notice his only friends where in some way involved with drugs wether it was dealing or just addict types. I just saw his life going in the complete opposite direction of mine.

During the time we had been together I got really close to his family. 2 mormon parents who don't even drink coffee, him (oldest) and his 4 younger siblings. He moved out of home years past about 2 hours away from his parents. Recently his 18 year old sister moved in with him to be closer to the city for school/work. Before he broke up with me he mentioned something about his sister "starting to go down that path" (drugs)

My Ex has some slight social issues, I'm sure there are reasons why he is choosing to be an addict including seasonal depressions and health issues. Not to mention addiction runs in his family. I'm the only one who knows him this well, and I feel like I should get his parents involved but don't know if it would help or hurt the situation. We are having no contact now, but I found out he already has another girlfriend and it's only been 5/6 weeks. I wonder if what I did is everything I could or should. I feel like I communicated very clearly and kindly to him, I gave him a vision of what his life would be like if he got a better job and worked on his drug addiction. I told him quitting cocaine is the first most important thing he needs to do in his life. But sadly he seems to think that the bar is the only place in the world to work. Plus he is starting to make money and feels good about his job. Should I just call it quits and move on knowing I did everything I could? or would at least telling his parents be one last thing I could do? His mother would probably be worried/helpful.(the family had to deal with getting her sister off crack). His father would probably get REALLY angry. Family dynamics are such a sensitive thing. I just don't know if I should bother or if it would help anything. I mean who works their way up into a career where they can drink on the job and be high, during a time when they should be gaining skills and growing up in the world? He loves to read, and make art, photography, and music when he's not sleeping in from his late nights. I don't want him to keep doing this to other girls either. He's totally run away from his previous ex too.

It would be really helpful if someone could give some advice or words of encouragement because this has SUCKED!

 
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Old 03-16-2013, 01:20 PM   #2
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Re: ex left me for cocaine.Tell parents about his drug addiction? Help!?

Hi Bobby!
Welcome to the boards! I dont think I've seen u here before.

I'm not sure I can advise on the parent thing... I always feel confused as to what to do in that situation since sometimes I know it can make things worse (but sometimes better).
Do u have any friends who know u both who could weigh in on that? Or anyone u trust that somehow knows his family?

I mostly wanted to tell u that it sounds like you did everything you could. The addict HAS to want to change. You can't force them. You tried very hard to show him love, support, a new way of life without drugs... If he isn't interested in that and only wants to be with you if you will look the other way, I don't see how you could stay with him. You would soon be breaking up with him as to stay would be enabling him... and you don't want to do that.

Please know in your heart that no matter how hard it was to give him that ultimatum, his choice shows how sick he is. But he needs to see that himself.

Working through his addiction with him would take a lot of work, so if you decide to try and take him back, please know that you are on for a ton of work (and that's only if he wants to change).
For now, know you did the right thing for you and you did your best to do the right thing for him.

I'm sure others will weigh in, but I wanted to let you know I support your decision and understand how hard it must have been.
Stay strong girl!!
Good vibes!
Wendy
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:30 PM   #3
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Re: ex left me for cocaine.Tell parents about his drug addiction? Help!?

Hi Wendy, I'm a newbie here :0). That is such a great idea to have someone weigh in on that, who may know his family. I hadn't thought of that. I asked people I trust that know us both and they where stumped as well. I don't have mutual friends of his family though.

I also thought his choice shows how sick he is. I doubt he will change anytime soon, specially since he is avoident. The idea of him going to therapy is completely unacceptable to him. I don't want him back, he left, he can GO. He gave up a loving girlfriend who would have stayed by his side and stuck through it no matter what. Why would I need a guy that sees no value in that? Thank you for your helpful response. The things you have said have given me more chutzpa to stick to my guns. Even telling ya'all these things is helping me move on.

I read this book "How to help the one you love" written by an interventionist and former addict. He recommends to tell people about the addict until some one listens. He says that is how he was helped. The inconvenience of saying something is outweighed by the thought of finding out your friend is dead. My ex is destroying his chemistry, brain, life and he is sick. It makes me sad to passively allow that to happen. specially with his influence over his sister :/. Maybe there is somebody out there who can speak from experience or SOMEthing..

For now I will know and feel good that I did the tough love thing. And I'll continue moving on. staying strong.

 
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