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Old 05-19-2013, 03:50 AM   #1
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Still Need Help

Since my last post my 34 year old son has received letters from his Dad, myself, and his sister. Each of us outlined our observations about his behavior, how much we loved him, and how much we were concerned about his health and well being. He refuses to discuss his alcohol or drug use -- although he doesn't deny either. Here are some of his recent words:

"I'm fine"
"You think things are worse than they are"
"Please don't push me on this"
"I understand your concern but I can handle it"

We gave him an ultimatum. Either get counseling or he can't be a part of our lives anymore -- until he gets help.

He said he would go to counseling. He said he did (we doubt it). Still refusing to share any information with us at all. He won't give us the name of his counselor or let us be involved.

I'm still concerned about the family vacation coming up in a few months. I want to tell him that we cannot support his lifestyle and that it would be too stressful for us to share our vacation time together. But, I don't want to do anything to alienate him further, even though I feel like he is the one who is alienating us. Even though money doesn't matter, we are financing the entire family trip. I am torn up over this. His only sister doesn't want to be around him because the last time he visited her he stayed drunk or high every waking moment -- or out with strippers. It's heartbreaking.

 
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Old 05-19-2013, 04:49 PM   #2
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Re: Still Need Help

I'm so sorry for your pain, I truly am.
I don't believe your son for a minute when he says that he's seen a therapist.
He's an addict, and addicts lie.
I think the trip is your call. I think that if you do allow your son to come along, you let him know with all clarity what is expected of him. If he does otherwise, when you get home you need to deliver what you've promised and distance yourself until he gets help.
I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for all of you. Your son has been taken over by drugs. Please continue to love him, without tolerating and facilitating his addiction.

 
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Old 05-19-2013, 05:09 PM   #3
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Re: Still Need Help

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Even though we know what is obvious, it is so helpful to hear from anyone else who has any experience in dealing with a loved one who is addicted. I am tormented by guilt and endless questions in my mind - how long has this been going on? should we have intervened earlier? were we horrible parents? I am on a roller coaster of anger, frustration, guilt, sorrow. It seems it is out of our hands. Not certain how the family vacation will go. We are hoping he will opt out himself. It seems that no matter what we do or say, we are in fear of making things worse. Thank you again for your words of support.

 
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:57 PM   #4
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Re: Still Need Help

My brother is a recovering alcoholic. I stayed married to a crack addict for ten years. Me? Never touched that stuff. I come from a family that resembles the Cleavers.

My mom and dad, well, all of us had to cut off all communication with my brother. We always rescued him from whatever disaster he created. We finally got tired. Once he had no one to turn to, the reality of his life hit. He stopped drinking. He hasn't had a drink in 23 years. A happy ending.

My husband. Well, I loved him. He was smart. He was fun. He had such potential. I knew he dabbled when I married him. Lots of people in their 20s dabble, but they mature and stop, right? Wrong! It got worse, much worse. Ten years and two kids later, I finally divorced him. Sadly, the experience nearly destroyed me. The worry, the fear, the need to control his environment so he wouldn't get high. Hiding it from my family, my friends. It changed who I am, and I've never been high in my life.

After I left him, he sank even further. I raised two kids alone, but am grateful that I left every single day if my life.

I can only offer my two cents based on my experience. You can't save him. You can't make him stop. No demands or ultimatums will work. Change the locks on your doors, change your phone number, do everything necessary to cut him out of your life. When he has no one to turn to in the aftermath that his life will become, he will stop the abuse or he will continue to destroy himself. If he destroys himself, you shouldn't hold his hand while he does it. If he turns his life around, you have your son back.

Either way, take your life back. Been there, done that. You and your family deserve to be happy. If you let him, he'll kill you before he kills himself.

 
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Old 05-29-2013, 04:13 AM   #5
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Re: Still Need Help

Thank you for sharing your sad experiences. I went to Alanon last week and sobbed the whole time. I think that was my release for finally letting go and giving up trying to control something that is completely out of my hands. I have the comfort in knowing that we have offered our love and our help ---- but I understand that he makes his own decisions and we will not try to force him to change. We won't do anything to enable him, but we will always love him and he will have our support when he decides to quit, if he asks for it.
Thank you again. So happy to hear that your brother recovered.

 
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Old 05-29-2013, 04:15 AM   #6
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Re: Still Need Help

Thank you for sharing your sad experiences. I went to Alanon last week and sobbed the whole time. I think that was my release for finally letting go and giving up trying to control something that is completely out of my hands. I have the comfort in knowing that we have offered our love and our help ---- but I understand that he makes his own decisions and we will not try to force him to change. We won't do anything to enable him, but we will always love him and he will have our support when he decides to quit, if he asks for it.
Thank you again. So happy to hear that your brother recovered.

 
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