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Old 03-18-2005, 07:16 AM   #1
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Couple of Questions

I have a couple of questions for the group

Have any of you ever filed a complaint about a doctor or a therapist? If you care to, you can read my two posts in Hedge's thread "Asking for Help....(Vent)" re: what my BF (who is BP II for anyone who does not know) went through AGAIN with his therapist. Her actions (or lack thereof) are inexcusable. I really hate the thought of anyone else, especially someone with BP or anyone who needs to be on meds, to go to her. I was just curious if anyone has done so and how would you go about doing it?

The second question is - and I hope no one minds my asking - when things get said during an argument, things that stem from the illness, do individuals with BP remember what was said and is there any truth behind it? In the past I've made many mistakes not having the knowledge I do now where I've tried to reason with my BF DURING an argument as well as asking him how he could say such things to me. My ignorance caused alot of arguments to go further than they should have and I didn't understand why he was so "cold".

I have to say, this board is a medicator (in a good way!), a mood lifter, a wealth of knowledge, caring, and very moving. I agree with Colefort's recent post in that reading and absorbing all these posts are like putting a puzzle together that was lacking the nice little picture on the box to help us begin.

And Colefort, if you are reading this, you are a terrific person and you know what, you will be posting advice on here before you know it. It may not seem possible but you will - trust me, I was where you are and it gets better. Why? Because we know who we fell in love with and everyone deserves someone. And I don't look at it like "oh, he's so lucky to have found me" rather, I feel lucky to have found him! And by the sounds of it, that's how you feel about your GF; otherwise, you would not still be with her.

I wish everyone a terrific weekend and be well.

 
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Old 03-18-2005, 07:31 AM   #2
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Re: Couple of Questions

I've read that there's never been a successful legal action concerning the bad advice of a psychiatrist in this country.

Doctors illicit opinions. They're trained in their "secret schools" to profer one, regardless of certainty. They make their best educated guess. To that end, they are also self-governing under the AMA and APA. It's like trying to get a cop to testify against a cop on a judgement call...

When a manic person "goes off", they will spiral into a self-feeding panic-rage of sorts... What they say is basically unfiltered (somewhat), and it's as if your normal self is on the sidelines watching the inner you react to a lot of what's been suppressed over time...

It isn't pretty.

Do we remember ???

It's like a pressure release valve is briefly open - so we relate to where we're coming from - and can't appreciate the rage elements and potential hurtfullness...

It's not an excuse - but merely an explanation...

So, do we appreciate the hurt feelings we've caused... Not to the degree of the person whose feelings we've stepped upon...

At the moments we're enraged - we feel invincible, and don't respect the weaknesses of others.


There - I've said it. End of confession !!!

~ M*

 
Old 03-18-2005, 07:42 AM   #3
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Re: Couple of Questions

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain this - it means a lot that you shared this and believe me, it helps.

 
Old 03-18-2005, 07:42 AM   #4
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Re: Couple of Questions

Hi Angel.

I try not to waste my time and energy on things like filing complaints. They aren't going anywhere. Who is going to be able to get the information? There is always a way to hide it. So, what's the point? Besides, as you may have gathered by now, it's not just a few individual groups that are the problem, it's the system itself.

The only thing that might help, are maybe letters to the senate, or something like that. Otherwise, trying to make a difference with a complaint against a specific therapist, is like complaining about the cirriculum that a teacher uses in school. They don't make the rules, they are just doing their job.

And yes, I have told Colefort what a sweetie he is. I competely agree with that.

I haven't read your vent post yet, but I will. And I am right there with you. It's a messed up system. But so is health-care in general. Not just health care for the mentally ill. I suffer from other health problems, and it is EQUALLY frustrating.

Anyway, enough with the cheery thoughts this morning. If someone wasn't depressed before they read this, they are now!!!

take it easy,

heather

 
Old 03-18-2005, 08:09 AM   #5
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Re: Couple of Questions

Thank you Heather for the advice. Both you and M have made me realize it's most likely a losing battle to do anything about my BF's therapist and we/he certainly have enough on our plates to even bother. The saving grace, and I told my BF this morning before I left for work, is that at least this (this week) happened now before he got too far into seeing her. She never made him feel good to begin with. After every appt., he'd leave feeling melancholy at best and told me she would just sit there and do the "mmm hmm's", the polite nods, etc.. Ugh.

Anyways, we are now in search of a new therapist. He's also trying to see an EMDR specialist (therapist). I initially started seeing my EMDR therapist for fatigue/stress and I can't get enough. It's not for everyone but it has worked wonders for me as it has made me see what my own issues are and WHY. My BF went to her for a Q&A session to see if he wanted to pursue it (she can't see him because of conflict of interest) but just from that alone he left sounding and feeling so much better than I had ever heard him leaving the other quack.

Ok, this was longer than I meant. But thank you again for the advice.

Last edited by angelblue65; 03-18-2005 at 08:11 AM.

 
Old 03-18-2005, 08:36 AM   #6
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Re: Couple of Questions

~

I dealt with a LOT of psychologists in my old profession.

I was constantly AMAZED at how many of them had entered the field due to their own emotional issues.

Unfortunately - I also noticed sets of "prejudices" in their judgements - probably based upon their own backgrounds and experiences...

It seemed aweful that THEY would project onto their PATIENTS those "issues" that they themselves had problems dealing with...

Just an observation.

~ M *

 
Old 03-18-2005, 09:21 AM   #7
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Re: Couple of Questions

Hi Again Angel.

You really got me going with this post. You brought up a couple of really good questions, and I realized after I read it again that I didn't answer your second question at all.

M* did address it, and he is one of the wisest most eloquent, and articulate people I (kind of) know!! But, his words are a little deep, and I tend to like to explain things in a more specific way. So, maybe I can add a little more to the puzzle...

In my experience, I DO remember things that I say to people. And it's hard to say if it was always mania, or simply my personality. Let's face it, sometimes, people should have something said to them when they are rude or out of line. If you are minding your "manners" you ignore it and walk away, but if you're in a different mood...LOOK OUT!!

When my daughter was an infant, she had a cavernous hemangioma on her head right above her ear. And she had to have several sergeries, to treat it. It looked like a bright purple golf ball was on her head. I was SHOCKED at how many strangers made innapropriate comments, and would stare and point and say "what's THAT?"

One day, when I was not in the mood to be polite and explain the whole thing to another stranger, who said "why does your baby have that THING on her head!" - (she was a rather large woman) and I replied "Gee, I dont know why are you so FAT!!!"

Do I regret my reaction? NOPE. Not one little bit. Was I being inconsiderate of her feelings? Sure. Was I manic when I said it? Maybe. Have I been extra confrontational with my husband when I was manic? Yes. Is he a jerk sometimes, and deserves it? Probably. Relationships are difficult, mental illness aside. No one should have to walk on eggshells all the time around their partner, but they might want to pay attention to their mood, if their smart.

I WARN my family when they need to steer clear of me. And that happens every month around my visit from my "AUNT FLOW" no matter what kind of medication I'm on....

Anyway, I hope I helped a little. I'm in the "mood" to ramble right now, appartently....

Have a good one!

heather

 
Old 03-18-2005, 10:09 AM   #8
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Re: Couple of Questions

Hi Heather,
You gave me a chuckle relating your experience with the woman who was out of line asking about your child. In my opinion, she did deserve it! People like that will never get it but through return shock statements. Actually, I take that back, they will probably never get it period.

You are right to say that it's necessary to pay attention to moods. I'm very aware now and it has helped tremendously. I certainly don't want to add to whatever my BF is experiencing at the time. But what I have a problem with is when it's not obvious at all. Meaning, if one of his kids just disrespected him for the hundredth time that day (it's becoming a growing problem which I know is getting him real down), I know to just be "there" for whatever - if he wants to talk, go for a ride, etc.. But if we've talked throughout the day, he's been cheery, I come home, things are fine, and all of a sudden something happens, that's when I think - ok, what just happened? Because I didn't see it coming. We haven't reached the point where he will tell me to beware and it's possible he isn't aware himself. I know I can be snappy myself but immediately know right after what I've reacted from. With him, it may be unawareness or maybe a bit of denial. And that's ok because I will wait and I will be patient.

He does put too much blame on himself - I'm wondering if that is all too common. I tell him as much as I can that I love him for all that he is, not DESPITE the BP. Hopefully someday it'll sink in.

Ok, this is my opinion only but I think that alot of reactions from people with BP get blamed on the disease and not looked at that maybe it was warranted (i.e. that woman who made the comment). If someone knows you're BP, and they're ignorant, they tend to not take any responsibility for their own stupid comments. I hate to admit it but I actually had those very thoughts several times way back w/my BF until I woke up and saw that I wasn't being so nice either.

All in all, if we're all working at being better for ourselves and then for those around us, even if we get off track now and then, we're doing something right.

 
Old 03-18-2005, 11:03 AM   #9
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Re: Couple of Questions

Geez - here I go trying to make analogies (with emphasis on the anal...)...

I sometimes view it like tiny pebbles or grains of sand in an hour-glass...

As our tolerance pebbles get used-up during the course of the day's frustrations, we grow increasingly near the breaking point...

Unfortunately, the hour-glass is riding ever-changing tides of mood and metabolism... Sometimes the pebbles get washed overboard without warning...

I can totally relate to how your boyfriend reacts.

I, too, have had days where I tolerated perceived injustices to the N'th-degree, only to shift mood reactively to the next stimulus - as if all the pent-up frustration is now lashing out in all directions...

It's a bear. And sometimes the bear gets you...

Heather (how could I ignore you) ~ thanks SO much for those kind words...
I did get a kick out of the Aunt Flow reference (which sounds like her full name might be Auntie Social Flow ~ at least in the case of MY spouse !!!)...

Ladies, please forgive me... I know not where I tread !!!

~ M* (now practicing "duck and cover" drills)...

Last edited by maniasterisk; 03-18-2005 at 11:04 AM.

 
Old 03-18-2005, 01:29 PM   #10
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Re: Couple of Questions

Angel,

How old are your boyfriends kids? If they are teens or pre-teens then it is a whole different ballgame. They have a way of pushing our buttons, (my son is 12, and he can fray my nerves faster than anything) and you also mentioned that maybe he isn't aware himself when he is having a mood swing. I has taken me a while to start to figure it out.

It's hard, because being bipolar isnt an excuse to be difficult with people, but sometimes, we don't realize that we're doing it at all. I have felt really bad before, bieng "bitchy" to my kids or my husband. But then who hasn't, bp or not?

Sometimes when my husband and I are disagreeing about something, he will pull the mental illness card on me, insinuating that I can't be rational because of my bp. I think sometimes, he dosn't mean it, he will just say, "oh, you're in one of those moods, we better not talk right now. " He mistakes me getting frustrated or animated about something as a sign that I'm losing it. THAT makes me mad in itself.

Just because I have bp doesn't mean I'm not rational. (then again, sometimes I'm not myself at all, and he's exactly right..) It's kind of a tight-rope walk.

I guess you just can't win.....I wish I had all the answers for you, but I don't.

And I think M* has a great analogy, (of course) sometimes, the tides of the hourglass are just going to wash over without warning. (and if you have teens, or pre-teens, you can count on that happening TWICE as often!!

-heather

 
Old 03-18-2005, 03:41 PM   #11
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Re: Couple of Questions

Amen to that, Heather !!!

I raised two as a single parent who are now in their late 20's...

My third will be eleven in less than a week BUT is very advanced in growth, maturity, pubescence AND (most importantly) the kind of arrogant attitude that lets you know humans would die off as a species IF our kids were born acting like teenagers (because, simply put, the survival rate would be next to nil)... It takes years of endearment by being totally dependent and at least semi-appreciative by "them" to sway most parents from destroying what they have brought into this world !!! Gee - was that a bit harsh... I think not ~ I pow-wowed with groups of teachers and parents for over two decades, and believe me - it's the consensus of opinion !!!

And that's the truth... tttthhhhhhhppppppppptttttttt !!! (Ruth Buzzy's sound of a "raspberry" from the olde Laugh-In show) ...

~ M*

Last edited by maniasterisk; 03-18-2005 at 03:42 PM.

 
Old 03-18-2005, 04:20 PM   #12
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angelblue65 HB User
Re: Couple of Questions

Heather and M-

Brilliant words of wisdom from you both. M - loved the hour glass analogy. I sat for a moment to let it sink in and it made so much sense to understanding just a piece more.

And Heather - I have done the same thing your husband has - by blaming the BP (shame on me but luckily I have a therapist who will call me on "my stuff" so I'm getting so much better at identifying my own triggers now). I would not do it now, not because I'm afraid of enraging my BF but because I KNOW his reactions are not ONLY from that. I've acknowledged this to my BF and have apologized for my own actions and we are still growing and learning. My journaling has really given me clearer pictures and when I've recapped little "discussions" that we've had because of something I've brought up (and thought he was the only one reacting needlessly), I've caught myself saying "whoa......that was me?" But M, I do see how there can be so much else that builds up, gets tolerated, and then one small thing that I do tips the scales and look out. Ok, whether you realize it or not, that's huge seeing it in that perspective. Thank you.

And Heather, to answer your question, my BF's sons are 13 and 15 and he has full custody. Their Mom is not a very stable person and influences their young impressionable minds to view Dad as the bad guy. Each Sun. night when we pick them up, we hold our breath not knowing what it's going to be like. My BF has made some mistakes in the past but the unfortunate thing is that his kids know all about them thanks to their Mom. And these are things that no child should be told. I have to stop myself because I could go on and on about the unfairness. But to sum it up, both boys, at least to me, are acting outside of the normal teenage angst (it's AWFUL to be a bystander and watch how they treat my BF), but then again, being childless, who am I to say. You are right, they do push buttons and I give my BF all the credit in the world for keeping it together when it comes to them. M-your comments on teens made me feel that my BF is not alone in his perpetual misery of a thankless job.

Interesting where this thread has taken us and I thank you both for the time you took to help me understand better. Baby steps, baby steps but we're all getting there. Where "there" is I don't know but I have to believe it's somewhere positive.

 
Old 08-12-2005, 07:45 AM   #13
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SWEETNOVEMBER42 HB User
Re: Couple of Questions

aNGELblue65

I DESPERATELY NEED HELP, HUSBAND'S BP11 DESTROYING FAMILY

 
Old 08-12-2005, 07:48 AM   #14
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Unhappy Re: Couple of Questions

aNGELblue65

I DESPERATELY NEED HELP, HUSBAND'S BP11 DESTROYING FAMILY. i HAVE POSTED IN OTHER POST NOBODY HAS GIVEN ME THE TIME OF DAY.. i AM AT MY ENDS AND DONT FEEL I CAN LET MY CHILDREN CONTINUE TO SUFFER, ITS AS IF A LARGE GREY CLOUD IS OVER OUR HOME 4 TO 5 DAYS OF THE WEEK... I FEEL LIKE SUCH A QUITER FOR WANTING TO GIVE UP ON THE MAN I LOVE BUT IF I DONT.... HOW DO WE LIVE SANELY???

ALSO MY HUSBAND HAS THREATENED TO KILL ME, HE SAYS THIS TO ME AND TO MY DAUGHTER AS IF IT IS NOTHING, I AM SCARED AND DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER... I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS

 
Old 08-12-2005, 12:48 PM   #15
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Re: Couple of Questions

Does he have a doctor? How long has he been diagnosed? Is he at a state where he acts like he can't take it? Is he on meds? OK ill try to help you with the info that i have......If he's threatning to kill you that means he could be thinking of doing it to himself.... but saying that to you maybe is that he needs to feel something inside but can't cause he can't get past something that went on in his life..... I don't know if you understand that or not but I feel like that to and to tell you the truth I think he needs to go see a pshycologist....... Or go to the hospital and the way he is feeling right now is really hard to deal with (for both of you).......Just don't be around him when he is in the agry mood......I don't know if you know when that is but when im like that I'm really quite and my nostrils start flaring (how imbarassing) My hubby hasn't caught on to the signs of madness...... but eventually he will....... Anyway I hope i could help and hang in there it's hard at first but you'll learn how to deal in situations like that...... Have you sit your children down to explain bp to them or how there father is feeling right now? don't know if thats a good idea or not but I would just for the simple fact that my mom never explained anything to me and now that I'm older (with my own child) I wish she wouldv'e........ Just a suggestion
Good luck and hang in there
If he threatin's again take him to the hospital but don't call the cops that will enrage him more (ok if you think he's really going to really hurt you call them...)
Maybe you should call your mental health facility ASAP that's probably your best bet.... This was kinda diffacult i hope i didn't say anything that upset you cause i know you very sesitive right now and emotional......... Everything will work out the way it's supposed to.....
*JEESI*

 
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