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Old 03-23-2005, 10:23 AM   #1
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angelblue65 HB User
This "Thing" We Call Life... (Long)

Who is to say who has control? Life, with all of its ups and downs, surprises and monotiny (spelling?), laughter and tears, has a way of being the controlling factor and we are all just puppets if we're not careful. Bipolar or not, it's a crazy world we live in.

I watch and admire my BF (who is the one who has BP) each and every day. Between the illness itself, the ever increasing problems with his two sons (one of whom is displaying some BP symptoms himself), a therapist who blows him off and will not fill his meds, a "friend" who has broken his trust and hurt him to the core, a sister who is not talking to him (for some wacked reason), a knee injury and 2 unsuccessful surgeries which has kept him out of work for 13 months (and the lovely Work. Comp. sys. that has been dragging its feet), SSI which has denied him, etc. etc., he has been able to "keep it together" for the most part and still have enough room to love and care for me.

And then here I am, the GF who does not have BP, and I am the one having a hard time keeping it together because I am so frustrated by all of the stuff being thrown his way. I care so much that I'm feeling his pain and I know that is not productive. The last couple of days, when some pretty insignificant things happened to me, I found myself feeling so much intense anger and wanting to just scream or hit something (or both!) that I thought "whoa, where did this come from." I also found myself spiraling into a sea of thoughts that would not stop which created so much anxiety I gave myself a stomach ache.

So, in this scenario, who's the one who has the control - Life? My BF? Me? I guess you can say all three but in various ways. Life has control if you let it (note to self!); my BF in all of his strength and will to be a kind, loving man, father, and boyfriend; and me (it took me writing this to give myself some credit for NOT hitting something - lol).

I just think that we should all give ourselves praise for the fact that we are here at this board be it because of having the illness or being a loved one for someone who has, we are living our lives as best we can despite all the obstacles. We are supporting one another here and in our own lives whether we realize it or not.

I cringe remembering the rare times way back when that, in my own stupidity and ignorance, I secretly wished my BF did not have BP. In the heat of a few moments, I sunk down into a well of "selfs" - self pity, selfishness, self involvement....and I have decided to forgive myself for losing control of my emotions to something that is beyond anyone's control. I know that I love my BF with everything I have and I love him MORE because of the illness, not despite it. And I continue to tell him that. I truly hope I did not offend anyone by my admission but for me, it's one step closer to being a better person for him. I only know how to be honest and by doing so, maybe it will help someone else who is either seeking an understanding of what their loved one is going through or a way to forgive themselves for possibly thinking the same thing at one time.

Thanks for listening

 
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Old 03-23-2005, 01:18 PM   #2
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Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
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polarized13 HB User
Re: This "Thing" We Call Life... (Long)

Hey Angel,

Did you catch the thread titled what 'wrong with my mom?' I think some of the stuff your descibing sounds kinda co-dependent, I described more about it in that thread. Do me a favor and read the thread, and then write back, ok?
(or you can tell me to shut up, whichever )

heather

 
Old 03-23-2005, 01:50 PM   #3
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angelblue65 HB User
Re: This "Thing" We Call Life... (Long)

Heather,

Thank you for your honesty - I've had a creeping feeling about that but did not want to admit it. Sometimes it's easier to ignore something you don't want to face because it takes work vs. just continuing being who you are. But I want to be called on my "stuff" and what you said made sense.

To find the happy middle ground - that would be so wonderful. To relax and focus on my own life without feeling guilty that I am ignoring my BF's - that's the challenge.

Please share any other thoughts you might have because, as always, I am open for constructive criticism.

Thanks again for the wake up!

 
Old 03-23-2005, 03:12 PM   #4
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polarized13 HB User
Re: This "Thing" We Call Life... (Long)

Angel,

It sounds like you got it. After I wrote that, I was driving home from my daughter's school, and it donned on me that I never actually named the co-dependent behavior: (getting overly caught up and emotionally invested in someone else's life and progress, so that you stop focusing your own issues).

But you figured it out anyway. And as with most things in life, finding the balance is key, and always easier said than done.

There are a lot of good books out there about co-dependency, and I think a lot of us, especially women, get the lines blurred sometimes between being care-takers, and becoming too entwined in 'stuff '.

I would say more, and I probably will another time, as for now, I'm kinda drained from all of this 'stuff '. And I have other things I gotta do.....And so the balancing act goes on.....

Sometimes I feel like I must be living on a tight-rope!!!

talk to you later

heather

 
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