Hey ZBaby and Heather-look - I'm on the boards on the weekend!
I know exactly what you're talking about - I realize that there's alot of behaviors that can be confusing and could very well be his personality. But I wasn't clear about what's been going on this week (well, since last week) only because I didn't want to make my thread/posting any longer than it was.
As I've said, my BF has been much more open about what he's feeling which has helped tremendously. About a week or two ago, he told me more than once that things were getting worse, the racing thoughts were intensifying, more things (little things) were bothering him, etc.. At that point, though, none of the increased rage and agitation was directed towards me. He just wanted to give me a heads up because he could feel it coming. Still, it doesn't prepare me. You think it would.
This week, Tues. night I believe, is when he had well, I called it an anxiety attack but I'm probably wrong - and it was the second one in the last couple of weeks. He was describing that his thoughts were worse - like someone took a scrabble board, with the letters representing words and thoughts and picked up the board and scattered the whole thing and he was trying to make sense of the jumble. The speed at which he was seeing/feeling thoughts were much faster. I made sure he wasn't in self-hurt mode (he never has been since we've been together) and since then, he's been on a rage. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is helping. He just wants to be left alone and I'm trying my hardest to respect that even though it's killing me inside.
I commend him for trying to control the rage because I can see it, see it in his clenched fists, his eyes, his face. The poor guy has all this stuff bottled up and there's no release. I'm really hoping the new meds he's on will help.
I know personality traits are there first and then there's the illness. And I know what bothers him, personality-wise. It is when he snaps
on a dime that I know it's not just him any more.
We're still barely talking. He just can't get out of this when usually he does pretty quickly. It's just so incredibly hard. But I will say, it's nothing like before. I think we've both learned and that's a good thing. We know what each of us needs to do (not that we're doing it perfectly
I just want him to find some peace and I don't just mean for selfish reasons. I can see now why it's so frustrating for all of you to try and try again with med combinations.