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Old 03-24-2006, 03:40 PM   #1
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Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

My daughter is 29 and has had mental issues most all of her life...bipolar and I believe borderline personality disorder. She has done drugs of one kind or another for at least 12 years. She unfortunately added heroin about two years ago and has been going down hill steadily. She can be VERY intimidating, controlling, has been charged with stalking and failure to allow a person to leave...forget the exact wording....not me or my husband, but an old boyfriend. She is not opposed to being violent if need be and has pushed me aside and followed and initimiated me so much so that the police were called when I was at the mall and they detained her until I could make it home. She doesn't act so much like that around my husband....at least not until this week. She just snapped I guess....had the look of pure rage and tore up the living room throwing things, rushed at my husband, hit him in the face....he subdued her. She said he punched her in the face...didn't see that and was standing there. She then goes up to her room...yes, she lives with us....and does a handful of her Valium and Somnote and gets totally messed up and then finally settles down after rambling on and on as only a high person can do about totally disjointed thoughts. We did an intervention just two weeks ago...told her she either had to move or go to treatment...and she chose the treatment..on her terms..not right then but the next morning she turned up and my husband took her to the rehab center....then for some reason they released her after the detox and stabilization...even though I gave them her total history and that she needed more than that...Needed a dual diagnosis center, inpatient rehab....and she has insurance for it. At any rate, that's water under the bridge now....and she didn't check herself out...I have no clue what happened but will try to find out although I don't know why. Anyway, she's worse since she's been back and we can't live like this anymore....I'm really almost afraid for her to come home and she is really just going down hill and is in desperate need of help. She's pawned all of her things and part of mine.......SO....how to get her out of the house with the least amount of violence.....We really don't know anyone to come and be here to help subdue her and my husband says he can handle her but I know someone will get hurt. I've called everyone/group I can think of and someone suggested today to just put her stuff on the porch, get a locksmith and lock the doors and leave her with a list of treatment centers and maybe 10 bucks so she can contact them herself......She will go totally wild if we do this. I know we have to do something....but does anyone have any idea of a different way to go about this? It's just a horrible situation.

 
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Old 03-25-2006, 12:15 AM   #2
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

hi,have an addict daughter and lived the nightmare for many years,im afraid addicts do become evil people,this is not your daughter this is the drugs but unfortunatley only she can do something about it,she is controlling you and manipulating you and of course shell go wild it will work,has done before,i cant give a magic cure but i can tell you what i did.on many occasions i threw my daughter out to let her return almost immediatley until one day i knew i had tried everything and had nothing left to try so i changed my way of handling it and chose a moment when she was clean enough to really understand what i was saying and i made us both a coffee and sat down and slowly and calmly told her i loved her very much but i could not go along with this drug taking any longer and that i didnt want to throw her out in anger,but she had 3 days to organize somewhere to live and sort out benefits etc.but at the end of 3 days she was to leave and i never wanted to see or hear from her again until she was ready to kick this addiction and then she was to come back to me and i would give her my full suuport because i loved her so much.after 3 days away from home - i never slept ate,drank loads- she phoned and asked me to pick her up,she was in a dreadful state,anyway she got rehab 9 days later,in which time she kept her drug use to a minimum,spent alot of time with me and after 8 days in rehab she walked out and i refused to take her back home-after only hours of being out she realized she had made a big mistake and begged rehab to take her back,they wouldnt and said she had to go through the whole proceedure of applying again,which she has and she has been home now for 2 days and in 9 days time she goes back,she is taking blockers now and i keep her entertained from morning till night to stop her going out for drugs,she wants to and i understand that shes an addict,but a professional told me they very rarely do rehab the first time but it plants a seed that grows and they do go back,good luck,sad mom

 
Old 03-25-2006, 02:43 AM   #3
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

im a 46 year old divorced(didnt want to)father of two girls 11 and 14....my oldest told me she has been tryin pot and tried cocaine...i drug tested her to see if she was embelishing and she wasnt....im a addict...opiates(pain med/heroin)...benzos...valium/xanax....ive takin every drug available on the planet...acid/lsd,ect...was very prevelant in the 70's/80's/today....lost my spirituality which i thank the lord it has refound me and that was my spiritual intervention which has made me sober...and has reopened the door to my life with my kids which my 14 year old needs the most attention right now....the first thing in addiction is must realize we have no control over the addiction...we will continue to drink/smoke/inject/pop,ect until we realize there is a higher power that must help us...i hit rock bottom plus dug another 40,000 feet until i was either goin to bury myself(end up dead)or in jail.....nothin positive at the end of the road with any type of substance abuse....i went to a/a meetings for the last three years and it wasnt until my dr. who is a recovering addict also gave up on me in sept....the lord-my higher power..opened my eyes after 32 years of substance usin....my dr. friend stopped by about a month ago and gave me a huge hug...he told me he didnt give up on me and being sober that meant alot to me....12 step programs are good but what ever works for a addict to quit...for me it was the spiritual intervention thru my U2 music...rock/roll but bono speaks of love/peace/god thru every song...doors have opened for me and there is life after drug use and i can attest to that...id say ive got a good resume in the drug use department...i believe it is a life changer...must be....have to leave it all behind...start new....i was aleways afraid of the withdrawals...detoxed a hundred times..my doc said give it a month and things would start to change...it took me a long time-years-to finally surrender that month and go thru the enevetable pain/anguish that addiction brings...after you discard the old friend,users,enablers,ect and stay sober for a month your brain begins to function again as a human being...then month two i started to realize what a dam waste of my life...46 years old...lost two great jobs as executive chef...lost wife/kids...lost thousands and thousands of dollars...im alot humbler now...havent cashed a check in months...i dug myself out of that 40,000 foot hole and am shovelin the dirt back in but at least im standin on my own two shoes and am doin my own shovelin...ive hurt/burned alot of bridges...my mom/dad/sister are no longer livin but i sure wish i could apoligize all for what ive done...i think they know...probably even helped for my daughters case also...youd think she would listen to a seasoned pro but she has her own brain...god made us that way...but there is life at the end of the drug use and the sun will be risin here in a half hour and i will go out and give thanks im not dead,and can function again as a productive human being...dont need to run and hide anymore...my wife thru me out...thank god she did...it was for the right reason...to save my kids of my destructive-self path..somethin could have happened to them that today i would surely regret...alanon for you folks is a option...but a addict must first realize they cannot control their behaviour...first step of 12..n/a meetings..a/a is the same...i prefer to go to a/a but i drank beers too...crown royal,ect..it is a disease and must be approached from that principal...its a shame it is a moral thing,too...wher are the valiums comin from...the withdrawals from those were worse for me...it takes a couple months for the brain to be rewashed and then dealt with daily...ill never go back to that physco mess ....doctors are enablers too cause they keep prescrining the junk for us...not all drs are but there are ones out there...you read about them goin to jail for prescribin then the patient od's...i bought pills from my friends...yeah good friends....neighbors/pushers/grandmas who had to pay the phone bill...reality is a eye opener......edify yourself and support her to do the same...find people who will support...they are out there...dont give up...you love your kids...forever...uncondtionally...its the addict who must make the change in themselves before any repair workcan be started.......my ex wife actually came and worked for me for two busy restarant days last month....the doors will open if we let them...god bless ya i would type all day/night....chef

 
Old 03-25-2006, 03:15 AM   #4
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Call your police department information line and ask them if you can legally have her removed by them.

If so, have them come and make her leave.

Yes, I know it sound's simple, and it's not easy, however, have you got a better plan?

All your best thinking, all the love you have for her, hasn't done a thing. This is her disease, her problem, her choice.

It sounds to me as if you have enabled her enough and it is now time to detach yourself from her and this insanity.

If the police won't take her away, go down to your local magistrate and ask them to have her committed as she is becoming violent and your husband can't even handle her any longer.

Best of luck to you.

 
Old 03-25-2006, 07:17 AM   #5
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

I had to call the police on my son. I told them he was suicidal so they took him to the local psyche ward. If I had not told them that, they would have removed him and possibly put him in jail or just gotten him out of the house. At the psyche ward he got help and got detoxed. Though it was another year before he finally got off heroin. He has been clean for 15 months.

Either way you need to get her out of your house as hard as that may seem. The police may be your only answer. My son hated me at the time when I did this and now he thanks me.

You are in my prayers.

 
Old 03-25-2006, 08:32 AM   #6
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

I guess this morning I'd hoped to find some nice little solution to this problem. I'm at the point that I've feared all my life I think. My daughter has had serious behavorial/mental issues since she was about 3....Her dad was a total terrorist....emotional abuse, destroying everything in fits of rage....and we left when my daughter was 6. Maybe too late.....but we made it and she unfortunately has picked up a lot of his traits....and freely admits she takes drugs because she can't stand the way she feels otherwise. She's always talked of just wishing she was dead....for years and years...probably starting around high school. She received extensive counseling as a child, inpatient psychiatric for 30 days about the age of 10......only diagnosis was that she was developmentally impaired, so stupidly I thought well, what's wrong with acting like you're 25 when you're 30? Thought it would...prayed it would....work itself out....then she started the self-medicating with drugs and this heroin is a killer.....She's never been totally balanced but is now a scary just unstable, out of it, person. Plus she's combining her drugs from her psychiatrist....actually I don't know what all she's taking but I do know that I hardly recognize her anymore and I do know she has to go. It's a heartbreaking thing and I know there are many of you out there in this battle at some stage....It's so hard for me not to feel so guilty with the mental issues.....I KNOW she can do better, much better, and that she could try to attempt to deal with life, but I think I've always held back because of the guilt over her dad and our lives then, and her mental issues, I guess I felt she deserved a little extra leeway trying to work this out.....Well, I see and have seen for a long time that that's not working....so time to put this to an end. Boy, wouldn't it be nice if there was an easy way? One poster...sad mum maybe?....sorry I don't remember the name but am afraid to go back and look because sometimes I write a ton for a post and lose it and don't want to leave this screen:>)...but someone said they keep their daughter busy morning til night to keep her off drugs, or has done that in the past...and I'm ashamed to say I don't have that in me...I'm also ashamed to say I am not sympathetic to my daughter at all anymore in everyday practice...and also she looks/acts so much like my ex-husband that I can hardly deal with all this. I realize that's not her fault and it's really her actions more than anything, so maybe this will help her get herself on track. I'm just totally worn out and a zombie over this...just like I was almost 30 years ago....give in, do almost anything, to avoid an argument with her. It's all come to a head because I won't give her any money and then there we go...She's out of stuff to pawn so it doesn't take a genius to figure where she'll find the next batch of stuff. I already have my jewelry box hidden, anything that I think she could take, but she's beaten me to a few things. Sorry to ramble... Thanks for the replys and God bless us all.

 
Old 03-25-2006, 12:29 PM   #7
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Your feelings aside, what is it you are going to do? This takes action, and you are holding yourself hostage to your thoughts and your guilt and much of that guilt, I have no doubt, she readily placed on you because us addicts are good at that. We are masters at manipulation.

It's your choice. When you've had enough, you will do whatever it takes.

Last edited by Constant; 03-25-2006 at 12:30 PM.

 
Old 03-25-2006, 01:29 PM   #8
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Jaeco, you should not feel ashamed that you have run out of reserve. In fact be glad that you have. It eventually happens to all parents in your situation. You have your life to live and only your live...and, you are wasting valuable years of it on a situation where you have no control; senseless. Your daughter will not get help until SHE wants it. No matter how much you want it for her it is useless until SHE wants it for herself. She does not. Accept it and move forward. You will be there for her when she does, but until and IF that day ever comes, you have to live YOUR life. You must start taking care of yourself and rebuilding the emotional health in your life for YOU first---then and only then will you be strong enough and ready to help her when and IF she ever decides she is committed to change.

You will always love her---you don't have to ruin your life to prove it.

You deserve peace. You deserve happiness. You deserve YOUR life.

Only you can change the situation----much like your daughter's situation, you have to first want your life to change for yourself......I hope you take that step.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 12:18 PM   #9
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Joanharvest, you say you called the police and said your son was suicidal, please elaborate. I went to a counsellor last year and she said I could call and do the same but that was before I knew he was on herion. I thought he had a xanax problem. Anyway, this is an option for us, I am just wondering if your son denied being suicidal and how did you "prove he was" so they did take him away. I can't get mine in rehab because he insists he has no problem.

Jaeco, you are not alone. So far we haven't found the answer either.

Another Mom.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 05:54 PM   #10
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

in fla they can baker act you..a family member...my ex baker acted me and they held me for 72hrs in the med center...see if you can have her committed and possibly in a couple days after they eveluate her shell come around...also here in fla if i pawned something of my wifes let say,i could be arrested for theft and the judge can impose drug court....they will random drug test yoy lets say for example and that would be grounds for involuntary rehab confinemt for x amount of time....if it was a 28 day confinemt she would have no access to drugs and the brain could stsart the healing process....chef

 
Old 03-27-2006, 05:39 AM   #11
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Everything I read is just so right on........I just don't know what to do....can't seem to come up with a plan at all. I am just beaten down so much I'm trying to find my second...or third or so, wind. I think another mom was the poster who was talking about her son and convincing the authorities that he was suicidal when he was but said he wasn't, to make sure they would take him. . My daughter was taken not long ago because of being suicidal and they did keep her, transferred her to a facility....and they stabilized her and she was out again in about 4 days that time...She's been stabilized at least 6 times and let out. I realize there's no magic cure but this last session of treatment for her broke my heart. She has insurance, I found a dual diagnosis center, 28 days...she agreed to go....and even they let her out after 7 days....Totally ridiculous....the insurance co said the hopsital/center didn't even ask for additional days, and that they were even surprised no additional days were asked for. My daughter's history is extensive and before going in insurance and center saw no problem with her being approved and then by the third day or so they told me to make arrangements, that she was going to be released tomorrow!! The center also told me that my daughter did not sign herself out and that she was being cooperative. Some have suggested that those things could have played a part....but I just don't know.. The center was three hours away even...but at any rate, we were devastated. My daughter has even said she wanted to go back a couple nights ago. ANYWAY, like someone said, these are just my feelings...what am I going to do? I don't know but that poster was also correct that we are being held hostage here and this is no life. I believe all states are different on their commitment policies, etc. I just know sometimes it's extremely difficult or even impossible to get someone committed...even when you can see from a mile away that this person is unstable and in really really bad shape.

 
Old 03-27-2006, 07:46 AM   #12
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Cram315

At the time my son hadn't graduated to heroin. He was doing high doses of oxycontin, sometimes 3 or 4 --80's a day. He was getting them from a doctor. They actually gave him a prescription for stomach pain. He was snorting them. I didn't know this. I knew he was taking them but I assumed he was doing it properly. His personality drastically changed from a sweet young man to a very angry one. This particular night he had lost his temper because someone had stolen his pills. He was ranting and raving. The next day he destroyed my kitchen stove saying it was accident. Later in the evening he left me a note thanking me and his sister for always being there for him and how much he loved us and then took off in his truck. My daughter had me call the police to find him and they did. I had told them about the note. The police brought him to the hospital. The hospital sent him to the psyche ward. He didn't actually threaten suicide but the note sounded so despondent. While he was at the psyche ward they did find that he had ulcers. I don't know why his doctor couldn't figure that out. They kept him five days. He stayed off opiates for a couple of months until he found another doctor to prescribe them. He also found a phychiatrist who put him on depakote, lamictal, high doses of xanax, klonopin and took over prescribing him oxycontin. She started to wean him off of oxycontin and that's when he discovered heroin. He insisted he needed pain meds for his stomach. This is when I discovered tough love. He's been clean for 15 months. He also quit seeing the phychiatrist and got off all that medication too. He is totally drug free and so far loving it.

I had the note. I don't know what the police would have done if I did not have the note. They also searched the house and found all his pot which they took with them and later on sent him a letter saying he had to show up in court for possesion. He hired his friend's father who got him off with a $500 fine. I wish they had made him go to drug counseling or NA.

 
Old 03-27-2006, 08:02 AM   #13
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

The doctors they find.....something else. You say when he started with the heroin is when you discovered tough love....may I ask what you did?

 
Old 03-27-2006, 08:06 AM   #14
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

One more thing, The day I found his heroin stash I went a little crazy myself. I told him this was the day he had to make his choice. Either detox or leave the house immediately. I grabbed the phone and told him I was calling the police to have him removed from the house. He believed me because I had called them once before. He knew I wasn't bluffing. I told him he could stay if he started detoxing immediately. He agreed. I ordered 50 opiate drug tests online and had them overnighted. He wanted to detox at home. He had done it once before. I called his father and he came and stayed at our house with him during the day and I stayed with him at night. I warned him that if he caused a ruckus during his detox I would call the police. I told him I would drug test him every day. The first time he failed I would kick him out. Seven days later he finally ate his first food. He was so happy to be off the opiates that he decided to try to get off the xanax. He weaned himself off over a two month period. He lives in Florida now and every time I see his name on caller ID I still worry that something bad has happened. I don't know if I will ever stop worrying about him. My son is 24 and has been in Florida for five months. He mostly left to get away from his drug using friends. Now he wants to come back home. I told him fine but he has to find his own place. No more living off Mommy.

I think when you have a child doing these drugs you can't let them live at home. It makes it so easy for them. I wish I had come to this revelation earlier than I did.

 
Old 03-27-2006, 08:38 AM   #15
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Re: Daughter totally unstable....help with plan

Good for him.. I hope he hangs in there and keeps up the good work....and good for you and his father, too. I agree that letting them live at home is not the thing to do and boy do I wish we hadn't done it....maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point. Oh, she's lived away from home the majority of the time, but I should have stuck to my guns the last time or two she wanted to move here. I'm glad all that worked for you. You seem to have more credibility with your son...I know I say things to my daughter and then don't always back them up because I'm afraid of the arguments and scenes that will ensue....that's been there since childhood so a bad pattern has been set. I know what you mean about the caller ID....maybe one day that sight won't be something to worry about.

 
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