I am married to a woman who has recently been diagnosed bipolar. At the moment, she is ready to divorce me and run away from all commitments. She is not taking her meds properly and has shut me out almost completely. We split up in the past and reconnected after she was diagnosed and began treating the illness. HELP!!! What do I do now? I try to give her space, but when she behaves in a distructive manner, I panic. I want to be supportive, but I also have to think about our children. What do I do?
I can understand your frustration....my husband feels the same way. I am much older than your wife, I'm sure. I was just diagnosed a little over a year ago at age 57. I'm sure it has been with me for many more years than that, but it seems to have esculated in these last months. It takes a lot of understanding, and support in order to live with a bipolar person. Go with her to therapy, group support, her psychiatrist, etc. There is a great book out there that has helped ME. It's called "The BiPolar Survival Guide". You notice I said ME. My husband hasn't been the most supportive or understanding guy, but I know what I can put him through. Sometimes, I can't even stand being around myself! They keep saying it takes a while to get the meds right, so hang in there. Mine still aren't right yet
It's taken me a lot of years to get the right meds and I still wonder how my ex-husbnad put up with me (we got divorced after 5 years of marriage). Now we have 2 kids, but since I am BPD and BP, I found myself yelling at our daughter when she was 1 years old. I would yell at her to put her toys away when she was playing, I saw it and he saw it and we both decided to put the kids up for adoption (now mind you that is the short version of the indepth story). I never hurt my girls, I would just yell and my husband at the time was going to divorce me and take the girls, but his work schedule of swing shift wouldn't allow him to do it and be able to financially take care of them too. So it was one of the hardest decisions of my life.
Where I am going with that, is that being divorced and having your kids with the parent that isn't BP, would be healthier for them. It'll be hard none the less, but you are a product of your enviorement and if you aren't around it, then hopefully you won't get it (that is what I kept thinking and why we did what we did).
I am not telling you to get divorced, I am simply saying that there are choices and they are all not easy. It isn't easy being sick. It takes a toll on you and the people you love. If you go to the thread of 2 bipolar people in a relationship (something like that) on here, you will read accounts of my life. It's not easy.
I probably didn't help any, but I was trying to, honestly.
If you love her, and I am sure you do, make sure she takes her meds and goes to a psychiatrist at least 2 times a month. Therapy and meds are most important and they do help.
I know how you feel. My wife is manic and has just shut me out completely. She wants a divorce, has been making plans to move away, and everything I say or do makes her angry! I just pray that this will pass. I believe that she loves me. The bipolar just hates me!
I don't want to quit, but how do I stop her. We have done this before and she always comes back. Why go through it again? I love her and want to support her, but she just shuts me out. Help!!!!
Last edited by SOTL16; 04-24-2006 at 03:00 PM.
Reason: Adding info
SOTL: I too am with a person who I suspect is BP. We are in our 60's. At present she is scheduled to see a psychiatrist. We have been together now for nearly 3 years and recently I have seen so many mood swings that it is hard to handle. One day she will be loving and kind and the next day she is jumping down my throat for the smallest of things.... things that to the average person would not matter a hoot. These things are blown way out of proportion. I have read that "logic" does not work in this situation and you cannot reason with the person. Most of the time I just ignore her for awhile and then she returns to somewhat normal. I can in no way try to reason things with her. One day she is loving and kind and the next day she is wanting to put the house up for sale and have each of us go our separate ways. She just told me tonight that if she finds out that (I) am the problem for her problems that she will put the house up for sale. She would never admit that she is having this BP problem and I dare not bring it up to her.
Last edited by chipshot48; 04-25-2006 at 09:09 PM.
Im not sure I can help, but I can tell you youre not alone. My wife stopped her meds 6wks ago and has since gone into an almost constant manic state. She's only here for awhile and even those moments she cant stand still or relax. She is irritated with me and our children constantly and has become distant and almost disinterested with all of us.
I know how to handle it if she were cheating on me but she isnt. I have gotten to the point that I am losing my mind trying to help her and be supportive and get her to notice her symptoms. By the way, trying to get her to notice the symptoms pisses her off even more, so I stopped. I got her to attend a group session next week so we will see that goes and go from there.
Do the best you can and try to get her to a group session so she can relate and it might even open her eyes to hear someone in the same situation as your spouse. I havent cried more than 15 times in 25 years but in the past 6 weeks I have doubled that. I wish there was a magic answer because I sure would like one.
Being married to someone who is BP is extremely difficult. You really have to do your homework on the illness, and be extremely strong to deal with it. Don't think that for one minute your wife/husband doesn't stop and think of how much they appreciate your support thru all the ordeals. Sometimes, the depression sinks in because we know it sucks that we even put a person thru this.
Everything really depends on their level of BP, and how they carry it. Some can and cannot control outbreaks, but there are a few things that could help you out. I'm actually going to list some ways that have worked for me.
First of all, if the outbreaks are pretty bad, I would suggest you make sure that they are on medication. That could eliviate a good portion of the problem.
Everyone really works differently in their situations.
When I'm having an "episode" of anger or depression, I try my hardest to keep it all in my "head". And usually it works, but depending on the person, this could also be dangerous, it's like a time bomb waiting to blow.
Usually I'll sit in complete silence and pretty much ignore all sounds around me. This is pretty much the process of sorting 45 things out all in once. If you notice this with your spouse, don't ask 25 times what's wrong. Because we really can't tell you sometimes. There's times when so much is going on in our heads that we can't just stop it all to name off the list. If we say nothing, let it go..If my husband keeps harping, I start feel backed into a corner and I still can't give you an explination, and now you've just frustrated me on top of it.
In a relatively decent amount of time, I can sort it out and be just fine. If it seems just fine..it probably is, so don't go back and ask if I'm ready to talk about it. I already figured it out, so there's no need in scrambling it all up again.
If they seem dazed for a prolonged period of time. Then obviously whatever it is we just can't sort out. Try to stray our minds away from it gently. This can be a huge catch 22. We really don't want you to bother us with what's wrong. But if you completely ignore us, we may start to feel as though you're mad, you don't care, etc. Now's the time to think of stuff we really enjoy. If you know a place your significant other likes to really go, or something they look to do, throw the idea out there. Alot of times that can change the mood over to pleasant. But be prepared if you get a no. Just let us know then that you are here from us if we need you, and let us go back to our stage of confusion.
Be aware that if a verbal altercation breaks out, Most of the time, whatever we say, we really usually don't mean. I know it's no excuse, and you just take it with a grain of salt. It's that backed into a corner thing again, and we usually tend to spew out words that can really hurt.
After we come back down, and we realize what we've said and done, we'll likely spend time in a state of depression for or words and actions. It's never really OK for what we've said and done, but if you don't appear to be somewhat forgiving, you're pretty much asking for it all over again.
The main key in this one is comfort.
We can easily be upset at you or something else. and then act perfectly fine. This applies after an argument as well. Don't harp over it. If we just chewed your head off, and 10 minutes later we're acting like nothing ever happened, run with it. If you act like you're mad, we're going to get mad, and right backt o being backed into that corner, save yourself the stress.
If we're extra spunky..enjoy it. I personally actually like being a little hyper. Just don't let us bounce our butts off a balcony, or give us a credit card. We're taking in the best parts of life and enjoying them, literally to the fullest.
If we're not hurting ourselves, or anyone around us, why ruin it?
If we're talking too fast, let us know. We really have no idea we are doing that. We'll try to slow it down a bit.
If you really want to go somewhere, and we want to take a random nap or something..don't get ticked off. All the back and forth cycling really does wear us down both physically and mentally.
Use different methods, and see how it works, But remember to always use a positive method, and always remain positive with your support.
Seperating the illness from the person is always the main key.
I'm not saying this will work for everyone, it's likely it won't. But I know it has worked for me.
Test out different ways and see what's useful. Maye this will help atleast ONE person.
The Following User Says Thank You to beforeXdishonor For This Useful Post: slayer222 (04-09-2011)
I was just diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder, but I used to be married to someone who had major depression with BiPolar. It was so hard, I stuck with it for 10 years.
I learned to go back to my basic rule. If all else fails, remedicate.
That meant go back to the doctor and reevaluate his medication. We had an agreement on this, if he was trouble again, he would agree to let me take him to the doctor and we always talked to him together. This way he heard both sides, how he felt, and how I saw him. Of ocurse I would give him the opportunity to speak with his doctor in private if he wanted.
Thanks to all who have replied. I know this illness can take over. It is just hard to sit "in the stands" and do nothing when she refuses my help. I see the effects this illness has on her, the kids and myself. Why won't she get help? When will the "real her" show up again? I try to support her. Everything I say or do is wrong. When I back off, I don't care and I must be having an affair. I only want her to be healthy. I want our family to be healthy. I want our relationship to be healthy. Am I asking for too much?
This illness can take over your life. My husband was diagnosed four months ago. It all came out because he had an affair while I was pregnant and got the other woman pregnant. It has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am researching bipolar and trying to learn everything about it. I'm like you, I don't understand why they won't get help especially when we are supporting them. I think that is part of the illness though. I won't give up on my husband. We are separated now, but I hope things will work out. This illness is so complex and more common than I ever knew. I look at it this way, what if it was me? I would hope my husband would stand by me "in sickness and in health." The only way I will walk away is if I see that it is too unhealthy for our baby. I'm glad I found this board, it gives support and sometimes it is what gets me through another day. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
My husband walked away after my bp diagnosis and left me with 3 kids, 6,4,and 4 years old. Although it has taken me several years and lots of meds and help to get back to "normal" or at least stable, I finally feel that I have my life back. I only problem is my husband is gone. The divorce has been SOOO hard on my kids, so hard financially, and so hard on my self-esteem. I know my kids and I will never be the same from the "abandonment". I never thought my husband was the type to just walk away when problems arose, but he did. He never researched bipolar, never had any sympathy for me, ONLY INTENSE ANGER, and blamed ever ymanic decision and depressed energy level on me personally. He happens to be a brilliant, well-educated person, but ironically very ignorant and intollerant of mental illness. For all spouses who think your newly diagnosed partner will always be this way I have news for you... in 2006 Bipolar is totally treatable and managable and you can get your spouse back! It may take a couple of years, but than you have the rest of your lives together. Here is what I would do:
1) If they would not admit the problem or see a pdoc, YOU go to the pdoc yourself and explain the situation and find out what to do
2) They MUST get on mood stabilizers -- this is the only proven treatment
3) They should go to individual couseling every week or every other week
4) You may need marriage counseling every other week
5) BE COMPASSIONATE as if they were just diagnosed with cancer and you thought you might lose them! Hold them, tell them you know the illness is causing this behavior and that you still love them and can SEPARATE THEM FROM THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS THAT HAS INVADED THEIR BODY!
6) Tell them you will never leave them no matter how difficult things get and you will take them to as many doctors as necessary to get them back to themselves
7) Tell them it is so painful to see them acting abnormal and suffering, and you will be sure that their behavior will be restored to normal again
8) HOLD THEM AND CRY WITH THEM ... this is tough stuff and disappointing for everyone. Nobody wants to be sick, nobody want to act irrational, nobody was to upset others, nobody wants to go broke, nobody wants to be irresponsible.
9) Get immediate family and close trusted friends to read and learn about bp and support the 2 of you. You can't do this alone.
I am new. Iam married to bipolar spouse with borderline pers.disorder. It has been rough. He bounces from anger,anxiety, violence, yelling and controlling to sitting like a log on the computer. He has a long history of affairs, primarly online. Issue, I am at the end of my rope, the last round, the kids and I had to leave the home. The children and I are frighten of him. He twists things, statements and reality of our lives into some place I just can not go. Nor the kids. I never no when he will go to one from the other, becoming violent, he did choke me until I passed out, attacked in other ways, and is emotionally, verbally abuse all which he blames on his illness. I understand he is sick but that does not mean he is not accountable for his actions. He seems to think he is not accountable due to his illness. The result was he did go to the hostipal, something his counselor/PDoc/social worker had been trying since late Nov.He is on meds now, two anti psychotic, 1 anti depressant, a mood stabilizer, and there is some improvement. He was released after week's stay, appx three weeks ago. He is not allowed home, after his stay due to the authories involved and his actions. He is on meds now, two anti psychotic, 1 anti depressant, a mood stabilizer, and there is some improvement.
He sees this has abandonment, not being allowed home. He is in a safe place with his family. I see this as protecting the children and I from his onslaughter. His mental illness and actions which revolve around them have been apparent for five years, (earlier acording to his own disclosure), the last year primarly the last nine months increasing.
He has lied to me repeatly, since the beginning ofour marriage, I find this out in Nov, along with the attack. Sadly this and the violence is at the core of relationship. He believes I should "just get over" and "we'll be fine". He does have control issues and a desire to make us do right. Again this is a little spooky. He blames this again on his illness and it is "just part of who he is"
I do not see it as such. There are consequences to own's actions, mentally ill or not. I am worn out and tired of dealing with his illness, his actions have increased a disturbance within out family and the kids lives. Emotionally, mentally, finanicially and spiritually. Since he is not living with us, our home life is steady, stable, not saying we do not miss me, but it is peaceful compared to the worshipping on the altar of chaos which existed with him present.
Until he has prove himself not to be a danger to himself or others, the arrangement sounds like it is unfortuate but necessary. However, the major of bp people can be totally stabilized and has a productive, normal life. If you love him, there is probably still a future there. You must tell him that and support him. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE SICK, IRRESPONSBLE, THREATENING or DIFFICULT! WHO WOULD! The fact that he is willing to get help and started meds is great. It just might take a couple years for him to get on the right ones and stable. Each person is different and every doctor is different. You should see your own therapist and maybe the kids too to sort out how all of this has affected you and if you can see through the bp to love AND TRUST the one you married again. Couples counseling is also recommended to put past resentments behind you and or course he will need therapy at least every other week for years to be sure he continues to act "normal".
Thanks, the kids and I are already in counseling. I started long before he chose too, close to nine months ago. I knew perhaps what I was dealing with then and the kids were included. But jumping out of windows to escape their father is not a way to live, mentally ill or not. No, he did not choose but he has options now to deal with it.
SOTL, I read your comments and have to stop and look at the name, because I wounder if it was me that wrote it. We are living the same life.
I too just want my wife back. I know how hard/impossible it it to be shut out and watch from the sidlines as they distroy everything. My wife hardly ever drank, but latley she goes out and gets drunk, with her single much younger friends. not good for me!
wish I had answeres. I have lost 30+ pounds and feel lously.
my wife is taking meds, so i'm hoping things change, but right now my life is on hold. All that was stable and familiar is now gone, and I don't know if will ever come back.
I spoke with him this morning via email/IM. I told him he needed to focus on himself and get better as I needed to focus on me and the children. He was/still is not stabilizing mentally and emotionally with coping skills. The meds seem to be working, he is stabilizing in that matter. Though he ran out of risperol and I had to order it for him. It should arrive onMonday. No, he can not come back to the house, it is just do dangerous. He is safe with his sister and brother. He will go into a rage, he is more aggressive bipolar/borderline than passive. He will rage under 3 seconds if he starts into one of his phases. It is very spooky in the prephases with him. I have to protect the children and myself. Then I trust he will seek aids in doing so. He is on a couple of boards and I have suggested he get honest with people on his violence and rage to get feedback and info. which can help him. It is all I can do at this point.
Good things for the kids and I, we played ball in the yard while the water sprinkle was on! I live in Texas, and it is 103 now but this morning it was sheer abandonment with the boys. They laughed and rolled in water with ball. So did I. LOL.
Last edited by jord; 06-11-2006 at 12:23 PM.
Thanks for your post. I pray constantly for my wife. I read up on bp. It is hard watching her give up on the things she wanted the most. I try to be strong for the kids. They are strong, but it does affect them. They miss the mom they now and love. I am here, waiting for a sign of a desire to return. It gets rough. She says she wants a divorce. I say nothing. She wants to argue, I refuse. I wish I could put a mirror up and let her see what she is doing. Nothing has worked so far. I've been told it doesn't last. But how long? I guess we just hang in there. In sickness and in health. I would want her to hang in there with me. So I will hang on with her. I trust God's hand even though I can't see it. It just gets hard holding on sometimes. Pray with me and I'll do the same with you. Keep me posted. God bless.
I can feel your pain, I have felt your pain. I also love my husband madly.
A wise woman on this board (Tsohl) once told me - remember that you are a RATIONAL person dealing with someone who is 'IRRATIONAL'. This doesn't mean that it is acceptable for your BP guy to say such hurtful, angry things to you, it means he is imbalanced and isn't in control of what he is saying. When in a manic state, they aren't receptive, they aren't in control of their thought process, ANYTHING you say will rub them the wrong way, so why bother expending the energy to get them to try to understand YOU? I am so guilty of this, I am learning though...
If you don't mind me asking - is your beau on medication? Does he have a good doctor? A good mood stabilizer (or better yet, a mix) can restore him, I have seen the difference! I am serious when I say that my husband was totally out of control during his mania 4 yrs ago. I thought I had lost him completely, I thought he didn't love us anymore, it was heartbreaking...I didn't even know what BIPOLAR DISORDER was. I was scared when they dx him, I knew nothing...then. Knowledge is POWER with this disorder. AND...you have to be a very strong person, BUT like you said...there is always the CHOICE to stay or leave.
My heart breaks as I read the posts on this thread because I know first hand the pain and frustration involved with bp. I hear the one with bp say give support and show love and so on. To that I say sometimes you just can't do it anymore. My husband refused to see he needed help and instead walked the road to destruction. We give our heart and soul to this illness and often are spit out like we are the cause of all their pain. The reality is the pain is caused by bp. I was blamed for most of all the problems in our marriage and recently I realized it wasn't me it was the bp. For 9 years my life was filled with rage and anger from my husband. I was spent and empty after trying for years and years of trying to put my husbands needs first. I lost so much of myself and now he is gone and my life has a huge void to fill I don't even know what I need or want anymore. I need to find who I am after so long of focusing on my husbands needs. I loved my husband with all my heart and I truly believe he loved me too but without meds it was hopeless so when some of you say just love them enough and support them it is not always possible to do. To all who posted I wish you love and happiness. This illness is not an easy thing for those with it or living with those with it. I have so much to say but no words are available right now to convey how I feel totally.
The following user gives a hug of support to marshmallow: slayer222 (04-09-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to marshmallow For This Useful Post: slayer222 (04-09-2011)