tamara29

I posted this on the bipolar board, but some said they weren't sure if it sounded like bipolar or not. Could anyone give me some idea of what it might be.

Hi everyone. I know this is going to get long, but I can't help it. I need help.

I believe my husband is bipolar. This has been going on for a while now, and I'm not sure where to turn. I guess I should give a little history.

He is almost 37 years old. We've been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 8. He has not been this way the entire time we've been married, only for about the last four or five years. I've known the entire time we've been together that he has ADD. He is actually a poster child for this disorder, but he's mood swings did not start right away.

About two years ago, I talked him into seeing his primary care doctor for the ADD and depression. He went. The doctor put him on Lexapro for the depression and sent him to a neurologist for the ADD. The neurologist prescribed a medication for the ADD (I can't remember what it is). For a while, he seemed to be doing better, somewhat. However, he is a truck driver and ran out of his meds on the road. He had a panic attack. Actually, it was more like an anger attack. He damaged the steering wheel in his truck, cracked the windshield and then broke down in a fit of tears over what he had done. His work made him take a break until he could get a note from his doctor. His neurologist couldn't get him for three weeks and wouldn't give him a note to go back to work. He said that it gone from a neurological problem to a psychological one. My DH finally got into see a psychiatrist (who he only saw once) who prescribed Depakote and said he had OCD. I just don't buy it. In October, he lost his job. Someone at a shipping yard pulled a knife on him and he got his tire knocker out. No fight happened, but both of them lost their jobs. The sight of the knife, of course, made him mad, but instead of getting in the truck and locking the doors, he took out the tire knocker. So, he had no insurance.

He has since found another job, but he has discontinued his meds. He has insurance against, but he's afraid of going to the doctor because he's afraid that it will be considered a pre-existing condition and our insurance won't cover it. He says he will hold out until June.

He doesn't have high, high, highs and low, low, lows. He has extremely angry and depressed. The extremely angry is scary. He says the most horrible things to me. I always said I would never take something like this from someone, but I know he can't help it. It's a sickness, just like something physical his. He has never hit. He almost always stops himself and walks away before he gets to that point. However, as he's walking away, he's still saying all the horrible things. We have a three year old daughter, and I will say this. He has been able to control it enough that it has only happened while she's awake once or twice. Most of the time, it happens while he's on the road or after she's gone to bed. I'll admit, I've come to know what sets him off. I'm an awful housekeeper, which he never minded before, but now, it sets him off to come home to a messy house. When he gets mad, he even threatens divorce. However, a few hours later or the next day, he apologizes. When he apologizes, he's depressed, which can go on for hours or even days. But, he doesn't have to have anything to set him off. Sometimes, he's just mad for no apparent reason. He's told me more times than I can count that he's mad at the world, he has no idea why and I should just leave him alone for a while.

Sometimes, when he's depressed, he says he wants to end it all. That he sees no reason to go on. He says he lets everyone run all over him (this is also a common theme during the anger episodes). He talks about how stupid he is. He tells me how sorry he is for how he treats me, that he should just leave me so I'll be happy. Of course, that won't make me happy.

Sometimes, he's happy, but it's almost not a normal happy. It's over the top happy. This doesn't happen very often at all. But, just an example of this, he'll call me over top about a job opportunity (this happens about once a month). He's happy about it, he knows he's just got it. It's going to be the best thing that has ever happened to us, etc., etc., etc. But, then, a day or two later, he's angry again or depressed again, and the job is no good, it's terrible, he can't take it, etc.

Does this sound like it could be bipolar? I am trying to get him to go to the doctor again, but he says we can't afford it. And, we really can't if we have to pay out of pocket. However, I told him tonight that I didn't care what he cost, I wanted him to go to the doctor about all of this. He's also afraid that they'll take him off the road, and he's afraid he won't be able to get another job after being diagnosed.

I know that he'll probably never be completely back to the man I married, but I remember that man and I know he's in there somewhere. And, I miss him. I just want him to get the help that he needs. If I could get any advice, I would certainly appreciate it.

I forgot a couple of things. He has a huge sex drive. He's always had a bigger sex drive than I have, but it has increased over the past few years. It's all he talks about, all he wants to do, he wants to look at porn quite a bit (which I don't mind). He says if he can't do it, he wants to talk about it. He told me tonight that when he gets "horny," he can't control himself. He's never raped me or even come close to it, but I don't have anywhere near the sex drive he has.

Also, he just quit smoking, and his anger episodes and depression have increased. If he has bipolar, would stopping smoking make it get worse?

If it isn't bipolar, could anyone tell me what it does sound like? Thanks so much.