My husband is bipolar; I am drowning - Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill Message Board

crmun · 05-29-2006, 11:38 PM

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last March. He had been taking depakote until about 6 weeks ago, when his doctor took him off of his meds. She said that sometimes they like to take people off to see how they do?!?
We have two little girl, 9 months and 22 months. I do not know what to do. Today he became very distant and withdrawn. Our 9 month old would not go down for a nap. She cried in her crib. I sat outside her door, and went in every five minutes to console her, but I would not pick her up. She has only been sleeping through the night for less than two weeks. I bought a book on how to get her to do that, so I was not about to do anything that was going to disrupt this new-found thing called a night's sleep. He remarked that she was going to cry herself to death. That babies can die if they cry to hard. Huh? First of all, she was not THAT upset, second of all, who the hell would say something so awful?? Not to mention not even true. After that he got very sullen and quiet, and the rest of the day was shot. I asked what was wrong, he said he was tired. He snapped at our 22 month old because she wouldn't sit still while he put her PJ's on.
Now that he thinks that he can manage without meds, he refused to go back on.
I am at a loss. I want to pack my little girls up an leave. I know that is just the anger and furstration talking, but I truly wonder how much more of this I can take.
He was so horrible and angry, and mean when he wasn't medicated , before.
He had a laundry list of women he corresponded with around the world. He used to travel extensively for work, and he met alot of people, most women, who he kept in touch with. He has inappropriate relationships with them while he was not on his meds. I do not know if he was ever physical with anyone. He says no, but of course he lies, too.
This whole thing is DeJaVu. Same crappy behavior, angry responses, depression, lashing out. I am SO sick and tired of being the supportive one. Who the hell holds my hand? Who tells me it is going to be ok???? I know that I have to keep it together for my daughters. I also know that if I leave him, he will have them for visitation, and I do not trust him.
I try to look at him like a sick animal, who can't help his situation. It is just hard, because he can help it. He can take his medication. He just thinks he can get by without it. He doesn't see what he is doing to me, or to his girls. I don't think he really cares about how this affects me.
I feel so alone.

fallen_angel · 05-30-2006, 02:23 AM

hi there

firstly, im sorry to hear of how bad your situation is right now.
I have a lot of understanding for it, firstly, because i was recently diagnosed bipolar myself. But also because my father is bipolar and like your husband, refuses to take his meds, which causes a great deal of distress to us all. His bipolar is much worse than mine (he has psychotic episodes) and he has been taken into hospital a few times, but once out he thinks he can cope without his meds and stops taking them. i dont like taking meds myself because of the side effects, but i know i need to be on them if i want any quality of life. However, apparently it is very common for people with severe bipolar and other mental illnesses to refuse to take their meds. a nurse at my father's hospital told me that this is often part of the illness and that the only way they start taking them is when they end up back in hospital again, but as soon as they're discharged they stop and so it continues, like a vicious circle.Its very hard to reason with people who have a mental illness, i know this first hand from my own behaviour when ive been bad.whats more difficult is it cant be "seen" or measured as easily as a physical illness, and is often misunderstood by so many people. But i have to say i think it was a very bad move for your husband's doc to take him off meds, if this is what happened. Bipolar should not be underestimated and i believe in most cases it needs to be permanently treated with meds.
As distressing as this is for you, please try not to be too offended by anything your husband says, my father has said some awful and very hurtful things when hes been ill which has been very distressing.Try and remember that when hes being treated hes not like this and its the illness talking.
Have you thought about seeing your husband's doc to explain about how bad the situation has got and try and seek further help and advice? You have your girls to think of and the main thing ive learnt is that everyone needs SUPPORT. im talking from both sides here.No one can do it alone. Good luck, Fallen

beforeXdishonor · 05-30-2006, 06:29 AM

What kind of doctor would like to see how a person does without their meds?
I think it's time to switch doctors! I don't think your doctor has enough experience in the BP department. BP is a mental illness that sticks with you forever. It doesn't just go away, and only get's better with meds. So I would blame your doctor more than your DH. And he needs to get back on his meds immediatly!

How is he otherwise when he is on his meds?
I'm sure this isn't his fault, he probably has no idea that he still needs his meds, and is just going by the doctors choice, which was a very bad one.

Try to see him thru right now, and get him back into a new doctor has a little more experience with BP and get him back on track.
If he's still difficult on meds, he doesn't have the right meds or combination. ANy doctor who has real experience with BP will worl to get the right ones for him, and NOT take him off.