I have a toxic mother. I am 36 years old and I am scared of her. She is unpredictable, irrational, manipulative, cruel, demanding, unrepentant and passive-aggressive. My mother believes it is her right to emotionally abuse my younger sister and I. She does not know how to apologize and never admits she is wrong. The toll on our self-esteem and mental health has been awful.
The abuse has worsened since I fell pregnant and had a baby. During my pregnancy she started sending me nasty, abusive cell-phone text messages. She would turn her phone off so that I could not contact her and confront her. After I gave birth and had post-natal depression she again started sending me nasty messages. My doormat dad enables this behaviour and that is a betrayal I can't understand.
The last 18 months have been the last straw. If there is a time in your life when you are vulnerable, it is when you have just had a baby and are trying to cope with the enormous change it brings. I know she won't change and I am terribly angry about the unfairness of it. I've had enough. I have achieved a lot in my life DESPITE her, not because of her.
I always thought it was just me that had this problem but at least four women at my support group have the same toxic mother issues.
I can't find any love in my heart for her and it would be easier if we had no contact at all. However, that is harder now that I have a daughter and she wants contact with her.
I have drawn some strength from your stories. Thank you.
hi girls! does my heart go out to all of you! i have a toxic mother also and have tried since i was 25 to deal with her issues and my feelings towards her since. i am now 51 and just getting there. my mother's belief was that your first born child is more special than any others. needless to say i was not the first born. i had an older sister who comitted suicide 3 years ago. all of my life my sister (who i loved dearly,we were alsways close)was perfect in my mother's eyes. i was the one left behind.never anything new, no wedding always told i didn't dress right, was a liar and just belittled to no end. she now reminds me of all the great things my sister did for her. i am constantly saying"no mom, i did that" my daughter passed away in 1997 and i didn't hear from my mother for over a year. when her daughter died i tried to help and all i was ever told was that no one knows what it is like to bury a child. HELLO!!!!
i have now opted to have no contact with her unless it is absolutely an emergency. i am the only one left and am her power of attorney so some day i will have to pay her bills and take care of health issues. until then i will not set myself up anymore to her mean,offensive,hurtful ways.she doesn't seem to mind not having any contact with me for months so i quess i will continue to let her set the terms of our relationship. no more quilt! now more trying to make her accept me. she never will and THAT is her issue not mine. prayers to all
PTSD..me too-toxic parents..
Im older now..early 40s but i feel like a bad little child..cos i was..i guess.
My parents blamed me for there divorce/lack of $$/sending me to boarding school-to get rid of me..etc..i was hit/spanked-screamed at-kicked out of my house-sent away..i was just a lonely kid-who needed mom to love..hug me..
Dad was bi-polar-raged hit-broke things..left our family/came back..etc.
I saw him beat me sister up as a lil kid..shes bipolar too
Finally-ive been able to piece things together..thru therapy..3 yrs in..i am getting it..and getting better-
Therapy/meds..have helped alot..
i send you all-love/healing..cos this is real..and it makes life unbearable sometimes.
i had a situation recently that made me realize at 51 i still am afraid that i will do something wrong. what a wake-up call. realized my mother always made we feel like i was bad. i am not.always trying to get her to accept me. will never happen. OH WELL!!! as i said before she had one child and that was not me. i stay away now to keep my sanity because she is so mean and manipulative. does nothing for anyone but thinks everyone owes her. never has anything nice to say always complaining. who need to be around someone like that in this day and age with all of the problems most of us have in our own lives?
Yes Angel at times we must do certain things. Have you ever read Toxic Parents book?
Its very good.
I have just about had it with my sister. Everytime she comes into my house. All she can do is critisize me or my pets or my house. Well she is about to be told off next time she does this. And like you Angel I do not associate with my brother at all for many years. As the saying goes, only you can change things. So if it means turning away from the family, then so be it. Don't forget, this is about YOUR healing.
thanks sandraM--- no i have never read the book but will. it took me a long time to finally make the decision that family or not i will not tolerate the nasty,hurtful behaviour. i was tired of feeling guilty for no contact and angry when i had it. i have written to my mother sat down and tried to talk to her and have gotten no where. i have talked to her for 15 minutes in the last 3 months and that was fine. like i said she doesn't seem to have a problem having no contact with me so i will let her set the tone. i will never abandon her as she has done me. she is 81, a picture of health ,still working 2 days a week. when it comes time for me to do for her if she can no longer do for herself i will but until then you would think we were strangers. she is actually nicer to strangers than she is me. i am starting to heal sandra and it feels real good. be well!
Angel, I can deffinately relate to where you are coming from. And yes the sad part is, you are the one with the problem not them. They are usually in such denial and or too afraid of dealing with THEIR problems. So in their eyes, you are the one with the problems as usually they have to find others to blame for their problems. Sad situation for sure. And yes that is usually true too that they treat non family members better. Only leaving others insecure etc as we knew no better at such a young age to know any different. So when a person who has had a bad role model, that usually leads them down a rough road in life. Leaving the victims with hate, anger etc. to have to deal with. And that itself is a huge issue to deal with.
sandraM---- you are so right. i had almost forgotten how my mother tells people that i never do anything for her. i have met people who told me they know her and they thought she only had one daughter. has nothing nice to say about me to anyone. just complaints. you're right. it most definitely is her issue and i somehow have made it mine for 50 years. well thank God i have given it right back to her. God bless
Angel, unfortunatly that person made you the target to take their anger and insecurities out on. And when a person is in that mindset they will brainwash you to think that you are the one with the problems. And again as I said, children are young and VERY vulnerable and naive at that age. Plus when a child never had good stability they don't know any different.