Nickee Here is my situation. I have a son who has the following diagnosis'. SD/ADHD/RAD/FAE. He does the following when he gets mad, naughty, doesn't get his way, or mostly, gets sent to time out... kick, spit, hit, throw things, punch things into the walls, throw things into the walls, throw things at my head, etc. Definitely do not stand for it. I walk into his room, take charge and tell him to stop. Yes; I do get a) hit in the head with objects (in the face sometimes), but I refuse anymore to let this little body control me. I then put him into the corner for a time out unless he is utterly wild, then I have to hold him for a minute and then do the time out right beside me. When I remember too, I call it a 'time in-because it is more positive than a 'time out'. And, always right beside me so he can't move very far away.
For a year, I too, let him control me. It was not a good thing because he thought he was the adult of the household when my DH was away. Manipulation is not a good thing for a child over an adult.
And some kids will try anything.
I have Bipolar Disorder, so this is a struggle for me as a parent. He and I are like clash of the titans on some days.
Do not let your daughter know you have fear. Show her you respect yourself because if you don't show her that, then she will not respect you as an adult. So, do not be afraid. Tell her she will lose out on things- take away her favorite things to do. That is what I have learned to do with my son, and it works. He now loses his favorite toys and games and doing stuff with the family when he does these 'naughty behaviors'. That to him, is the ultimate punishment. And it really works.
Go out for ice cream without your daughter, to the mall, to the movie 'she wanted to see- and leave her home'-
, Got the idea? You can do this. Do not fear her. She is your daughter.
Another thing. Does she have a pdoc or tdoc? If not, get her help soon. She needs some therapy or assistance, and so do you. Therapy for both of you would be very beneficial in all aspects. We have been through tons of therapy- attachment therapy (sons are adopted), family therapy, group therapy, marriage therapy, individual therapy, and child therapy. Plus our son has his own pdoc and so do I. Our son has changed a lot since we put him into therapy. He just goes through these spurts. Some are due to stimulation problems. That could also be part of your daughters problem as well.
Right now we are trying to get our son into OT therapy. She might benefit from OT therapy for ADHD. THat is something to check out with the insurance and pdoc. Look it up on the Internet for Bipolar/ADHD+Occupational Therapy.
Sorry for the long response. Hang in there.