Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: North America
| | I married a Sociopath
I have come to meet a few sociopaths in my lifetime. Unfortunately, I was married to one, exhibiting:
Superficial charm, grandiose sense of self-worth,, needed stimulation/proneness to boredom, pathological lying, cunning/manipulative, lack of remorse or guilt, shallow affect, callous/lack of empathy, parasitic lifestyle, poor behavioral controls, promiscuous sexual behavior, early behavioral problems, lack of realistic, long-term goals, impulsively, irresponsibility, failure to accept responsibility for own actions, many short-term marital relationships, juvenile delinquency and criminal versatility.
It has taken 8 years of experiences to figure out what kind of person I was really dealing with. Unfortunately, sociopaths are rarely discussed unless they are violent. In reality, there are many more sociopaths walking among us causing havoc in people's lives.
Yesterday, I was contacted by a man I didn't know who was a roommate of my ex husband. He asked me to come speak to him as he had some serious concerns. I'm the only person who has been around A. for an extended period of time because A is notorious for making new friends and cutting off old ties when those people are of no use to him.
When I met the man, he was obviously shaken up. He told me that A had crept into his room and sexually assaulted his pregnant girlfriend. I listened to him go over the help he tried to give A in the past; money, transportation, help finding a job etc. and the disbelief that A would do such a thing. A did tell me one time that he had a new roommate moving into his residence, a woman but made no mention that it was his roommate's girlfriend. I explained to the man that unless one can post his picture, for my sanity, I had to understand that I couldn't save everyone A came into contact with. For the most part, most would think I'm crazy...my family included. A is a very happy person who loves to have fun, preferring to associate with 18 and 19 year olds. A is 32.
The man seemed to be mentally unstable and found difficulty in understanding A's behaviour. He asked me if it could be drugs? Does he have a split personality? What causes a person like A to use people the way he did and feel nothing? The questions he's asked, I've asked A many times when we were married and I'm sure now, in retrospect there have been many others who have asked him the same things.
Sociopaths always blame others. When A and I went to court regarding child support, he summoned me. He did this because he hadn't been paying and the pressure was on. He took me to court to ask for his payments reduced to $0 and his debt of 5 years be cut in half. I arrived at the court early and A came in over an hour late. He came with no real reason why he should not have to pay child support, no reason why he hadn't been working and no reason why his payments should be cut in half. His license was suspended by the court and his passport revoked. He owns nothing so nothing could be taken away from him. Any job he had was quickly terminated so that he didn't have to pay any support. It was ridiculous...so ridiculous that when I was initially served, I didn't respond. I responded when the judge asked me to and in that response I stated the facts.
As the judge yelled and pretty much showed obvious signs of distress over trying to understand A's reasoning, A tried to divert the discussion from the judge, to me, and the representatives from the City and FRO. The judge had to warn him three times about no communicating directly to me or the representatives. At the end of it, nothing changed. Money is still owed (which I have long given up on ever getting) and if he doesn't pay, he will go to jail. Now, although it is meant to teach those who don't pay a lesson, for many reasons, it doesn't make sense. In this case though, I know that jail will do nothing to a person like A. He will charm people with his words, and smile. Even the judge at first, seemed to be buying into his sob story, expressing sympathy to A, seeing him as a good guy. But when I had a chance to respond, I redirected the court to the facts. I left the court and was asked by A for a ride home.
He wanted to hurt him, throw him in jail....anything that would make him feel better. I felt for the guy but didn't think there was anything he could really do. I told him that his girlfriend should be tested for STDs as no one knows how promiscuous A was after all. I told him there was nothing he could do to A that would really hurt him. A was homeless and it was this man who brought him into his home. A was fine sleeping in stairwells and shelters. He was able to live in a shelter and leave to go to L.A. to chase a dream.
He went to L.A. even though he didn't have a passport and he was homeless. He became homeless when his mother kicked him out of her house. From then, he slept in stairwells.
A has two children; one of which, is mine. My child was 3 weeks old when A decided to walk out. He walked out the day before rent was due after promising me and my family that everything would be OK. A quit his job months before and I found out when his boss happened to call the house. A was leaving every morning and coming home as if he was going to work. I have no idea what he was doing during that time. When I was pregnant, A became physically aggressive when I refused to engage in arguments with him. It was then, that I asked him to leave. It was then, that he refused to leave. Now, he never flat out said he wasn't leaving. He packed up his things and became scarce. I was 8 months pregnant at that time and thought he would be leaving. In retrospect, he left when it was convenient for him and only then.
To be with A was to be bombarded with uplifting words of praise and strength. He was a dreamer to me though and lacked a balance....a balance I wasn't sure of at that time. You would be helping him and he would be thanking you constantly....but only to ensure that you would keep helping him. It may seem to many that I or others should have seen this coming but I've met critical people who have disregarded any of my concerns over the years, only to agree after they have been burned. I used to think that A was a 31 year old with the mind of a teenager....or at least the common sense. But it's more than that. He has 31 years of experience that enable him to do what he does better over time.
There was an incident shortly after he moved out. He was holding his child and injured her arm. I took her to the hospital myself, never thinking that it had anything to do with her father. I do remember though, his reluctance and lack of concern when I called him in the wee hours of the morning to tell him something was wrong. He said he would meet me at the hospital but never came. When the doctor explained to me that the injury my child had came from someone holding her from her arms, I knew it had to be A......I would never do that to a 4 month old child. As I sat in the emergency room, it began to make sense. When I got home, I was notified that CAS was called. When they came to me, we sat there and I tried to understand what could make a person feel that it was ok to 'play' with a 4 month old baby by dangling them by their hands? I had to wonder what dumb and irresponsible thing A would do? They banned him from seeing her for 6 months but it didn't matter, he never called between that time.
When he became homeless, he asked his 5 year old child to ask me if he could sleep on the couch. When I told her no, she was confused and showed anger towards me. Using a child to do his work is just an example of the kind of thinking a sociopath may exhibit.
Over the years, I've spoken to his mother who seems detached from her son and most people around her. She comes across as cold and emotionless. When you ask her questions, she often seems confused as though she either never asked the question to herself or doesn't understand her emotions in relation to questions asked. I have asked her what he was like as a child...talkative, well read but showed signs of behavioural issues including juvenile delinquency. A apparently tried to rob a house with some friends as a child. A grew up in a two parent family with a younger sister and poverty was never an issue.
I used to think that I was doing the right thing in allowing my ex husband to see his child....for her benefit. It was agreed upon very early that he wanted and should be in her life. I never could have imagined that I could be so wrong. I also look at my child and wonder how much of her father, my child is? What are we in for; with, or without him?