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Old 02-23-2007, 11:32 PM   #1
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pmw3805 HB User
Unhappy HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hello to everyone. I am new to this and would appreciate any oppinions.
I'll try to make this short. I have been married just over a year. In the beginning, he was a really great guy. Just before we got married, we were w/ his friend, who asked my soon to be husband if he had told me yet. He had told me he had ADHD, but come to find out, he actually has bipolar. But I didn't know much about it and thought it was pretty controlled with meds. He told me a little about it, but said it wasn't that bad.
I admit I should have done some research before getting married. Throughout the year he has been in the hospital 2 times, one ,to get off the self medicating addictions, and the second time, to "adjust his meds".
He has been married before and has 3 kids, who live with their mom. I have one kid who lives with me and my husband.
Some of these things I don't know if it is part of Bipolar or if he is just this way.... He tries to be controlling..That does not fly with me..He is rude and only thinks of himself.. he is selfish..
Here are a couple examples... My Daughter and I got back from the grocery store, he got up to see what I bought, he picked up this carton of juice my daughter had picked, she told him "don't drink it all" (nicely) (because if he likes something, he will eat or drink it all and no one else gets any). He got mad and said he was going to buy something for dinner because there was nothing for him to eat, when he got back he got a sharpie and wrote his name on everything he bought! ....He is 34 and that was childish, I told him so, but that turned into an argument. .......
New event... Husband, daughter, and I were in the car, husband was driving, my daughter was talking, I couldn't hear her so I turned the radio down and he got mad at me....he knew why I turned it down, but did not seem to care.
I can go on to tell much more; I have fallen out of love with him, due to his childish behavior and going through him being in the hospital. I can't deal with this any longer. And he seems to be acting ok the last couple weeks, but I just don't love him like I used to. I want to leave, but on the same note want to stay in hopes my feelings change and I can just get through the tough times. But I don't want my daughter to think you just leave when things get tough, ....I also don't want her to think that is ok to be treated with disrespect ...I know she is not happy with him as a step father. We always have to watch what we say around him and I can just feel the tension in the house way to often. I don't like living this way, But I took a vow, in sickness and in health. Is this an exception to that vow? So, What would you do?

 
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:57 PM   #2
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smackliet HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Is he taking his meds as he should and still having this behavior. I believe wedding vows are sacred. That said raising a child in this type of tenstion fill
environment can have lasting harmful emotional effects. You are her only protection you are her window to the world. And you deserve to have every happyness. If you want to make it work try couple counceling or just go to hes theropist with his and share your feelings in a safe setting.

Please take care
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Sheila

 
Old 02-24-2007, 08:26 AM   #3
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tsohl HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hello and welcome to the board.

Is your husband taking his meds as prescribed? It sounds like he needs another adjustment if he is taking them....perhaps different meds entirely. Does he want to remain in the marriage? It sounds to me like he does not take his diagnosis of bipolarity seriously. I'm sure he has somewhat afraid to tell you about it prior to marriage, but the fact that he didn't suggests to me that he doesn't fully accept it. He must have felt he could cover it up and keep it from you...obviously not a great way to start a marriage.

It sounds like you're in a bit of a predicament with him. He probably acted the same way in his first marriage, which resulted in divorce. He probably wasn't medicated then either. You could try insisting on him being in treatment and taking his meds as a condition of you remaining in the marriage...don't know if that might help him, or not.

Please keep posting with your comments and questions. There are many wonderful, insightful people on this board.

Wishing you peace,
Tsohl

 
Old 02-24-2007, 08:34 AM   #4
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Bipolaroid HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Quote:
Originally Posted by pmw3805 View Post
Hello to everyone. I am new to this and would appreciate any oppinions.
I'll try to make this short. I have been married just over a year. In the beginning, he was a really great guy. Just before we got married, we were w/ his friend, who asked my soon to be husband if he had told me yet. He had told me he had ADHD, but come to find out, he actually has bipolar. But I didn't know much about it and thought it was pretty controlled with meds. He told me a little about it, but said it wasn't that bad.
I admit I should have done some research before getting married. Throughout the year he has been in the hospital 2 times, one ,to get off the self medicating addictions, and the second time, to "adjust his meds".
He has been married before and has 3 kids, who live with their mom. I have one kid who lives with me and my husband.
Some of these things I don't know if it is part of Bipolar or if he is just this way.... He tries to be controlling..That does not fly with me..He is rude and only thinks of himself.. he is selfish..
Here are a couple examples... My Daughter and I got back from the grocery store, he got up to see what I bought, he picked up this carton of juice my daughter had picked, she told him "don't drink it all" (nicely) (because if he likes something, he will eat or drink it all and no one else gets any). He got mad and said he was going to buy something for dinner because there was nothing for him to eat, when he got back he got a sharpie and wrote his name on everything he bought! ....He is 34 and that was childish, I told him so, but that turned into an argument. .......
New event... Husband, daughter, and I were in the car, husband was driving, my daughter was talking, I couldn't hear her so I turned the radio down and he got mad at me....he knew why I turned it down, but did not seem to care.
I can go on to tell much more; I have fallen out of love with him, due to his childish behavior and going through him being in the hospital. I can't deal with this any longer. And he seems to be acting ok the last couple weeks, but I just don't love him like I used to. I want to leave, but on the same note want to stay in hopes my feelings change and I can just get through the tough times. But I don't want my daughter to think you just leave when things get tough, ....I also don't want her to think that is ok to be treated with disrespect ...I know she is not happy with him as a step father. We always have to watch what we say around him and I can just feel the tension in the house way to often. I don't like living this way, But I took a vow, in sickness and in health. Is this an exception to that vow? So, What would you do?
that sounds a bit like my dad who i suspect has bipolar
he too had a previosu marriage then married my mum, who eventually left because it's impossible to live with him.

mentally he didnt do me or my siblings or mother any favours what so ever.
far too many marriages stay together 'for the sake of the kids' or cos of the stigma and shame of having a failed marriage.
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Old 02-24-2007, 12:05 PM   #5
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Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Thank you to all who replyed. Yes, he takes his meds. That is what bothers me, (that he takes them religiously and still has so many problems) He sets reminders to take them and takes them at the same time everyday, he sorts all of them out for a month. He does go to a group counceling, and he goes to a LCSW(licensed clinical social worker). I have gone with him several times, I say how I feel but it seems I'm not taken serious. He's been seeing this LCSW for about a year now. In the begining of our marriage, my husband was very easy going and easy to talk to and now he blows everything out of proportion and it's useless talking to him about anything serious. Since things have gotten worse with our communication I quit going to counceling with him, because I have not noticed an improvement. I think he wants to stay married and I also think that he doesn't even know I am so unhappy.

 
Old 02-24-2007, 12:41 PM   #6
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Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hi, my daughter was recently diagnosed with Bipolar and is 15 and I can see alot of the way she behaves in your husband's behavior. Seems that the rest of us have to watch what we do or say in fear of what reaction it may elicit in her. Many times I find that I do not like living this way and also my responses to her are not exactly the best either. I suppose you see this happening as well in relation to being married to your husband.

I agree, that your husband's meds may need somewhat of an adjustment but the reality is that no matter what med combo he is on there will always be some behavior in your husband that will be somewhat different due to his diagnosis that even the meds cannot help. That's where your husband's therapy may help out....he needs to be able to make some changes to how he responds to things so that he can make the best of his relationships. This of course will take time and effort on his part and perhaps on yours as well.

I don't think holding in how this all affects you is good....in fact, your husband should hear how his behavior hurts you and your daughter and perhaps talking this out with his therapist will be beneficial in addressing it and bringing about a plan in which he can change some of the things he does and says that may be offensive to you and your daughter.

How you proceed with the marriage is your decision and yours alone. Nobody here can really tell you what to do but it seems that your husband is really trying to take care of getting better. Perhaps your reading about Bipolar and how alot of what happens is part of the disorder and that there are ways of making things better through finding the right meds and therapy may help you to better understand what he is going through. I guess you need to look at it as if this is an illness, although not physical, but still treatable as any physical illness with the right meds. The only difference with Bipolar is that the right med combo is very individualized and takes more time to find the right ones.

I hope that this helps...remember, that Bipolar is a chemical imbalance in the brain and something that your husband had no control as far as getting. Many times people are misdiagnosed with ADD until the symptoms worsten and they are treated for Bipolar showing improvement. This seems to have been the case with your husband. I am hoping that with your support and involvement in wanting him to get better that your marriage will stregthen as well as your love for him. Sometimes all it takes for somebody to get better is having the love and support of their family. And other times that is just not enough. I guess that is what you need to find out.

Good luck and please keep us posted with how things go. And know that there are many here who will support you if need be.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

 
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Old 02-24-2007, 01:15 PM   #7
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4support HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hi pmw,

I am in a similar situation as you. My husband is BP/ADHD, we have been married almost 11 yrs and he was dx 3 yrs ago after his behaviour changed drastically with a manic episode. He is also medicated, but we are still having problems with his mood swings, irritability, argumentativeness... he also blows small things way out of proportion, distorts conversations, perceives things differently from the way they really are, and he blames all the conflict on me. It is really exhausting me. I love him very much and do not want to see anything happen to our little family, but I am at the point where he is going to HAVE to get control and take responsibility for this illness or I don't know how long I can live like this. We have 2 small children and I am worn down by the emotional/verbal abuse by him, and beginning to get angry that the children are seeing their dad's irrational behaviour and it is confusing them.

My husband is also a loving, goodhearted, great guy when he is 'stable'. I know immediately when his behaviour changes, and it ALWAYS hits us out of the blue and makes it hard to embrace the good times because of never knowing when he's going to be 'in a mood' and make everything tense. It is scary how many of the stories on this board mimic mine. There are so many similarities, and I no longer feel alone dealing with this. There are truly wonderful and supportive people on this board!

See some of my other posts under '4support'.

I keep hearing that my husbands' meds need adjusting. He has not liked the last 2 pdocs, and so we have an appt for him with a new one next week. I am praying and hoping that this one will be a good doctor, that my husband will like him, and that he will finally get the help he needs. Then hopefully, the pdoc can work with my husband's counselor, and with my husband, to help him get well. It seems like a long road, but am keeping my fingers crossed that they will together find the right meds for him.

I never in my life expected to have to deal with something as devastating as this illness. Realize my hubbie is struggling and I have been more than supportive, encouraging and patient... but it is a very 'selfish' illness where he doesn't seem to give much thought about what he is putting his family thru, and how it has affected us. He would rather try to 'deny' that he is really BP, or blame his own behaviour on me, the closest one to him.

I wish you luck, it sounds like a trip to the pdoc for a med adjustment may be in order for your husband. Does he 100% accept that he is ill?

Hang in there, believe me I understand what you are going through, and I am here to talk and give any support I can.

Regards,
4support

 
Old 02-24-2007, 01:44 PM   #8
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Kymberlee HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Welcome to the board! My story is the about the same that most of the other posters here. It's a very rough road, to say the very least! You have come to the right place for support & understanding! Keep posting whenever you need to vent or just talk your way thru this stuff. We are always here to listen and remind you that you are not alone! Keep fighting the good fight! God Bless. Kym

 
Old 02-24-2007, 02:16 PM   #9
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pmw3805 HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

I just want to THANK ALL of you so much. I am so glad I found this site. All of the things and stories everyone has mentioned really make sense. One thing I have realized in reading everything from all of you; Is that I was VERY supportive for about the first 8 months. I have then since lost hope and find that I have been very distant with my husband and stay in a different room of the house. Mainly to avoid any confrontations, arguements. Someone said that this is a very 'selfish' disease. That is so true. It is so emotionally draining for me, in a way I have given up being supportive of him. He does go to his DR. on scheduled visits, I just don't think that he tells his pdoc EVERYTHING.
I'm trying to hang in there for the most part, but on the other hand I also look for, 'for rent' signs while I'm out and about.
I just want to say THANK YOU for all of the input, it does help me see things diffrently and I realize I may need to approach him at just the "right " time.
Also when we first met he was not on the right meds, since he was diagnosed with ADD in the begining. Now that he is being treated better and found a good Dr. I'm trying to understand that it all takes time in finding the right combinations and doses of meds.

 
Old 02-24-2007, 06:32 PM   #10
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hi pmw3805,

I feel for you as this disorder can drag even the strongest people down into the dirt. I had it even worse because my wife wouldn't even accept her dx and remains unmedicated. I'm trying to divorce her but with her being severely manic it's trying to say the least. You should do a search under my name and read about my story. Since we are dealing with much of the same it would probably good for you to read my threads and posts.

God Bless..........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

 
Old 02-25-2007, 07:32 AM   #11
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Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

I have only been married 7 months, known him for a year,. its been total hell since we have been together. I know what you are going through. He told me about bipolar, but I didn't realize how intense it could be. If he isn't on his medication, he self medicates with street drugs. He is now somewhere in Miami, he stole a friends truck and left the keys. He told his mom he is in the hospital. This will be his 10th time in the hospital since we met. I had NO idea how bad this disease is. I know how hard it is, and I am thankful my kids are grown. I couldn't imagine raising them with the way he is. Has anything new happened since your last posting?
J

 
Old 02-25-2007, 04:16 PM   #12
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suddenlyhere HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hi Jennw,,

Just thought I would say hello, and let you know that I am thinking of you. I dont have anything constructive or earth shattering to say. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you at this time. It will eventually sort itself out - I know everyone says that... It must be so hard on you at the moment, but you will get there. Just one step at a time.

Take care of yourself, and be nice to yourself.

 
Old 02-27-2007, 03:11 PM   #13
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Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

thank you, it seems our life is over anyway. He has stolen a truck and several fishing poles.....he will either go on the run or end up in jail for 15 years....he is also on probation. So, I guess its time for me to pick up the pieces and move on. He chosen our fate. I just know that I can never live with another bipolar person again. No offense to those who have it, but I just don't have the will. He wore me down.
Good luck to all

 
Old 02-27-2007, 03:42 PM   #14
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suddenlyhere HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hey Jenn,
Sorry to hear about you husband - hopefully through this he might get the treatment he needs. I feel for you at the moment. Take care of yourself.

 
Old 03-03-2007, 12:42 PM   #15
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pmw3805 HB User
Re: HELP, husband w/bipolar

Hello Everyone! Jenn, sorry to hear about your husband. But like you said he chose your fate. Some people think things happen for a reason, so maybe suddenlyhere is right, hopefully he will get the help he needs. For me, not much is new everything is still about the same. My husband is pretty much selfish and will not communicate or talk about anything if it is about something he has done, no matter how I come at him, I've tried communicating with him in writing, email, phone, in person, I've tried aproaching very nicely, and at times, not so nice... Nothing seems to work, he's just very defensive. While reading about bipolar, I realize that maybe he doesn't want to be this way and may not beable to control how he is sometimes. I feel like I am the one who has to make changes in my life, well I really don't want to, things were pretty close to stress free and there was no tension in my life before we got married. So, I don't think I should be the one to constantly trying in the marriage, it doesn't work when only one person tries. The more I read about bipolar, the more I find things that I don't think I can live with the rest of my life. Maybe I'm not fit to be a spouse of a bipolar person. I do know that a person with bipolar can be very loving and nonselfish and thoughtfull, and know that marriages can work with the right couples together. I just don't think I'm one of those who can live with this disease. I have seen the good side of my husband, however that was before we got married and unfortunately he was self medicating at that time and I didn't even know it until after we got married. Then all of the sudden he's addicted to pain meds, so he goes in for help, and gets a good pdoc and its been over a year and he's taking legal meds like he is sopposed to and his pdoc monitors him very closely and has him bring his meds in everytime he has an apt. with him. So, I would think our marriage would be getting better, but we can't even have a normal conversation anymore.

Last edited by pmw3805; 03-03-2007 at 12:53 PM. Reason: spelling

 
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