I am here, Marsh....in & out since my brother is not doing well and I have had other things to tend to lately. Doesn't mean that I don't care about you or anybody here.....just trying to get through some things on the homefront.
Anyway....as far as what you say about the lack of insight...yes that is a big part of instability....until the meds start working there really is little that you or a doctor can do....even as far as taking the meds or being compliant with them...your husband is going to have to see for himself that he needs the meds and as soon as they start working and he feels somewhat better and less irritable and angry things can be sorted out better. Doesn't mean that this will happen overnight...it really is all up to him and there really isn't much that you or anybody else can do until he decides for himself that the meds are worth it and making him feel better.
As far as the drinking goes...only he can choose to stop that as well...some say that once the meds do what the drinking has done then there is no reason left to drink....but that is not something that is a guarantee. Again, he has to choose this for himself.
I am glad that you are standing back and not getting sucked in....your dignity is important and you should let your husband know that you do not intend to be treated like a doormat or somebody who deserves to be spit upon. That you are worth more than that and are not going to stick around with somebody who treats you in such a way....BP or not.
The truth is that stability doesn't happen overnight....it is going to take time and won't begin until the meds start working. As I already said, Lamictal takes time sometimes months to kick in....so be prepared not to see too much of a change until then.
Oh goody sorry to impose on your time when you have so much going on. I also wanted to comment on your mothers day and how it turned out well inspite of how it started out. I guess even when they are stable it is hard at times. You sure do have a lot to cope with and here you are helping others. I am sorry really to call on you so much. Wish I could do something nice for you because you deserve it so much.
Awwwwww....thanks Marsh....you do not call on me too much, I do love helping our when I can but the way things are lately it is difficult to do it as much as I usually do because of my time on the phone with family trying to keep everybody informed. I also have my oldest finishing up college and she is stressed with finals and making arrangements for next year's housing and packing up so she has been calling a few times a day as well.
I just wanted to stress to you that even when medicated there is still alot going on in a BPers life. It is going to be a dedication on their part to want to take the meds and do everything they can to work through the disorder on a day to day basis. And it is work on their part and changes in their lifestyle. It is an awareness of their lives and how BP affects them and what they need to do to turn things around. It is a committment to wanting to do that and not allow the disorder to take over at any given time. It won't happen unless your hubby is committed to wanting to get better. That is what I want you to understand.
It isn't easy but it can be done as we have seen in the lives of many here. There will still be ups & downs but to a lesser degree with more periods of stability inbetween. That is the reality that you must prepare yourself for if you are going to be part of a BPers life.
Marsh ~ He doesn't know what he wants from one moment to the next. You can't tell what is real because he is not stable or on meds that are working yet. So you need to take care of yourself and allow him to do the same. Don't allow him to knock you down with anything he says....he is lashing out at the person he is closest to....YOU. Marsh, I guess you need to take a stand.....tell him that you need him to call you when he is stable or wants you to be actively involved in helping him find stability and that there is no middle ground. And stand firm on that. It's not going to be easy and certainly won't bee until the meds are working and you can somehow reason with him. You must decide what is more important....saving your dignity or waiting for him to become stable. That is the situation that lies before you.
I know that you are in LIMBO....but you have to decide which way you are going and then take a stand. If you divorce and years later he is stable perhaps you can pick up where you left off. The important thing is to decide what is best for your life right now.
I agree with Goody on all these things. Yes it is very hard, I deal with that all the time and am so back and forth. And he may not be looking for a way out but maybe subconsciously he is .
You have to decide what you will put up with or not, and stand your ground on that decision, hard as it may be. Right now he is using you as a doormat, yes he has problems and maybe doesn't mean to, but it seems that the more he knows you are there then the more he takes his anger out on you. He cant do that if you are not there.
I know you love him, Marsh but maybe you need to decide since you cant get through to him this is not acceptable behavior. IF you want to not decide till he is stable on meds, maybe that is safe, but then you need to not have anything to do with him for awhile.
You guys cant fix things up while he is getting better, you have to stand back and let him get better - he has meds and a doc. IF he is confused he is a grown up who can figure this out without having to hurt you ya know?
Good luck Marsh!
IT is hard to love a BP! I wish my husband would come on here he needs it more than me. Then you can all talk to him about what it means etc and why maybe... I have a hard time explaining to him. anyways.... take care of yourself!
Hi gals...Leomia, sometimes it is difficult for men to understand or go take the time to learn about something that their loved one is going through. They are use to action and can pull things together and do them and not programed emotionally to nurture or instinctually know what to do for their loved ones. If it involves emotions they are lost but if it involves physically doing something to make things better they are right there!!
For instance, my brother has been sick and with very little notice became wheelchairbound. My hubby didn't hesitate getting into the car only days before Christmas and driving 5 hours to build a ramp before my brother's discharge from the hospital so that he could get in and out of the house. But to inquire about his progress or sit by his bedside when he is going through an episode of severe tremors he is unable to think of the first thing to do. So, your hubby may need some prompting in order to get a glimpse of the other side of things. It wouldn't be a bad idea to get him to come here and read a few of these threads or perhaps even create one himself so that he can learn a little bit more of what it is like to be BP and to love somebody who is BP. And it is a little more interactive than reading a book which may hold his interest more.
Marsh, while I can understand your wanting to hear from your husband it seems that every time you interact with him it causes you more and more pain. What he has to say right now isn't going to make you feel any better about things. That isn't going to happen until he is on meds and somewhat stabilized. And with Lamictal it is going to take some time and that is if he is compliant with taking it. I think that focusing on YOU is so important now....take care of yourself and allow him the opportunity to do the same. It wasn't until Erin was in a hospital for 10 weeks that she was able to see things a little bit clearer. Up until that point all she wanted was to runway and live somewhere else....she was convinced that she hated us and that we were the worst parents and there was no changing her mind. It wasn't until she was on her meds that she realized that she was just acting upon her mania and finally was feeling well enough to accept that this all was coming from a disorder that had a name. As I said, it took some time and it is going to take time with your husband too.
Thanks for asking about me....today has been a difficult day for me. In speaking with my brother by phone I could hear his breathing being quite labored and his gasping for breath as we spoke. It broke my heart and only showed me that the time is much nearer than I imagined or am ready for of losing him. So it's been a tough day for Goody and I appreciate your asking.
Goody, I am so sorry about your brothers condition. I hope today will be a better day for you. You do so much to reach out to others and your input is so helpful. I really want you to know how much it is appreciated.
leomia, I want you to know that I appreciate all the help you give. It helps so much to know how a person with bp feels and you have been so honest in telling me your feelings and emotions. We just got to get your husband on here. Thanks, leomia.
aww its ok Marsh! I am glad I can help> I finally got around to making my own post. How come I cant do it about feelings only about meds? I guess once in a conversation I can say how I feel but most times dont understand it.
The other night I was having a crying fit (forgot to take my pills that day!) so I need some kind of reminder. Hubby is afraid to do it he is afraid of my lashing out. Dont blame him either!
well I am on seroquel starting tomorrow after the long ordeal at the hospital. you can read about it in my post I just wrote....
anyways I hope you are doing better! Do something that makes you happy!
I have not been on these boards for a while I mean checking other posts besides the one they email me!
Goody I am sorry to hear about your brother. I wish you and your family the best going through this.
So I take your advice and have him read some posts when I am reading them. I tell him about you both on here and some others and I have had him read some of your posts and he thinks you are nice and give good advice. He just wont do it as often as I would like or without me "nagging"...
oh well. Hope you are better. I may need help more now I am supposed to start seroquel. I guess the wait is over, now its the chemistry class. lets not blow it up right? he he