Leomia ~ Just saw some of your posts and understand that you are having a difficult time. I just wanted to send you some ((((((HUGS)))))) and let you know that we are thinking about you and sending your positive thoughts to help get you through. I know that you are homesick and just thought that I would let you know that we are here for you.
Where in the states are you from??? And do you keep in touch via emails??? Perhaps you should get one of those video cams so that you can see your loved ones that you are missing so much.
Who do you find you're missing the most??? And when do you think you can go visit your family again???
I know...lots of questions but just wanted to get a clearer picture of things.
Hi Leomia, I am hoping your doing better today and not so home sick. I know it must be hard to be so far away in a foreign country. Have you met any friends there? I was thinking of you and had not seem you on for a while.
Let us know how you are doing.
sorry guys! thank so much for thinking of me. I have been long overdue to start a thread but Marsh seems to have read my mind.
and you too Goody
Yes I am sad and miserable (well not too low because I am having a better day today)
I did not know this post was here, very sorry! I am a bad friend! I have been sad and didnt know how to explain it without sounding silly. I know thats what this is for, but ya know, we get all wierd dont we. Ok I get wierd. You guys dont!
I am homesick and all the planning about leaving and how things will be just makes me want to go home now! The main thing I miss? I dont even know where to start
Its 4 x more expensive here for one, the docs are pretty useless as per usual... I hate having BP and mr hyde has been bothering me a lot lately!
Fighting a lot with hubby because I was thinking things and not being rational. We had a good heart to heart and I was able to see his point of view. That made me upset of course.
All this dealing with immigration and the waiting....
I miss my family and friends, miss driving, cant wait to have our own nice place that I can fix up all pretty. We live on our own, (with our kitty) but I hate where it is ya know? So I have no motivation about a lot of things either.
I have been falling asleep at 5 am that has a lot to do with it... cant get back to normal.
Just cant make time go fast enough and I am nervous and worried about this self employment gig, but either that or keep not working which will never get me home.
Now if I want to prove to any future clients I am a designer worth my salt I must fix my own logo and web site and make my graphics look great. You know how the shoemakers wife has no shoes... its like that....
I dont know if all that made any sense.
I found a forum about NH where I think we would like to live instead of MA they seem nicer and we need the peace of the outdoors not the concrete and life is a slower easier pace so I think we would like it there.. all these plans, and hopes and dreams but its jsut put on hold which is frustrating.
hope that made sense
thanks so much for thinking of me, you girlies are so sweet!
lots of (((HUGS)))) right back!!!
leomia, I feel so badly that your so homesick and that you and hubby have been having problems. Right now I wish I had someone to talk to myself. You said you wanted to move to NH that is a pretty state. I love all of New England. I hope it won't take long for you to get back to the states. Does your husband like the US?
Its not like we have problems per se, its me getting all frustrated and stressed out over not really much if I can step back and see the big pictuer.... which I cant most of the time lately.
I am about to embark on freelance self employment and getting all stressed out like what if the client doesn't pick me, etc, and I need this to afford us to move, etc!
We decided that NH will de stress us because its nice and peaceful and we need all of that we can get! Hubby does like it there and plus things are 4 x more expensive over here so even if not everyone is miserable and it sux! would like to be around friendly people (even if the neighborhood at least) that will help a lot. Right now we really dont know anyone near us so "getting out" is hard.
well I was going over the site that I need to join to freelance and most of my problems could be avoided if I had looked at all the FAQ's a lot earlier!
I am so upset that I was freaking out so much! But it is scary , when you want to make a certain amount and cant actually hold down a FT job, so you have to freelance (at least my field lets me) they do more than design, pretty much most fields (ok not doctors or scientist but any sort of office solution you can imagine they do on this site.)
so basically I was letting the BP make me all crazy and for nothing which is so annoying. Still need to get sorted out on my meds and just be more positive and calm. Think yoga, ... hmmm. I should do that, but dont know how!
well my appt is on thurs so not much longer now. Then we can also ask her (pdoc) what steps we both can take if I am just "not seeing realitiy" as often as it happens how I can learn to and how hubby can try to say a certain thing maybe that will help. I have no idea what that would be.
Since your are not BP maybe you have a suggestion!
well its so sweet of you to be concerned about me
sorry to babble about myself so long I know you are hurting too. How are things with you? Feeling any better? If you want to talk then you can!
I cant the rest of today as its supposed to eat (its 10.30 now) but I woke up at 3 cuz i had a big issues last night but we are fixed so that is good. I was overworked about some obsession in my head that was my BP acting wierd and making false realities or fantasies that I dont even want. I dont know how much sense that makes but I finally admitted to it and feel a lot better and now I am over it.
well I hope you are holding up ok. I have not heard back from the big long post we were all on so I am guessing no one was on it, or my instant email thing is not working for that one.. then again I have been bad at looking at the boards as I have to figure out how to get sleep at a normal hour again I got messed up somehow. and also figure out how to get back into the creative spirit to work again and not stress about it.... cross fingers for me
Hey, Marsh...just wanted to chime in here if you don't mind...hi Leomia I am thinking about you too and wishing you the best. Anyway...Marsh, it is a good sign that your hubby filled the perscription. The only thing about that Lamictal is that it is going to take time for it to reach a therapeutic level so don't get too discouraged. Also the things that your husband is saying are not going to make much sense until the meds start working.
Best advice I can give is to lay low and let him do what he needs to do without pushing him too much. It is all up to him....when the med kicks in is the best time to talk with him.
Thinking about you and hoping that you are doing okay. Hang in there and keep that chin up.
wow that is wierd he doesnt make sense. Ok if you were talking to my hubby he would say the same about me, It seems I have gotten so worse I know I need meds though. And yes when he is on the right dose for him he will be better and make some sort of sense (we all hope!) what Goody said is right!
I think you feel nothing for a while until your at the right dose, And I know I am NOT which is why I probably act like that to my hubby and I dont mean to. Maybe your hubby doesnt mean to or maybe he does I dont know him. I feel for me it sort of takes over and I feel like I am in a dream and vaguely remember what happened later when my husband is all upset, then I end up hating myself for being bad.... arrrghhh!
yes I am doing a businss cuz I cant keep a job. but in my field its freelance from home so not like I need to take a loan out I already got the software and own a computer so then you go on this website and bid on jobs I hope thats enough for now to make a decent living. Later on the same website, there are people you can hire to work with you like Marketing, Web coding people, (I can design the graphics but for now that is it) and there is some animation and 3D stuff which hubby can do) a lot is many small jobs but we will see how I get on. start small and all..
When we move back home I will see about getting local business... as well.
If I ever get into a position to have more designers then I guess its time for office space but I am not there for a long time! So there is that...
I hope you are feeling better about stuff. After reading goody's reply too. Because he probably doesnt mean all of that, and having BP is hard. At first I thought how can someone do that and lately have seen myself change and I just cant believe why I do this. SO knowing this now, I really dont think he means to hurt you maybe he is venting and just mad at the world until he gets over it. well at least that is how I feel. I cant say I know what he feels as I dont know him but I hope you will find the ability to cope!
leomia your idea for work sounds great and I hope it is a big success. I think if you work at home it will be so much less stress and that should be a good thing. Concentrating on work will also help with being homesick perhaps. I know if I am busy into something I worry less. Hope your having a good day.
Goody if you read this I wrote you one before this. Would like your input. Thanks.
I wonder where all the girls are and I hope Dee is well.
Hi, Marsh I am on my way out but wanted to respond a a bit...I will add more later if I am able to.
Your hubby may have said he took the med and actually didn't...you really have mo control over that. As far as what happened when you told your side of things to the pdoc and your hubby's reaction...well that is exactly what you see in an unmedicated BPer....they are unable to have the insight that their behavior is wrong until they are medicated. Their thought processing is off and how they see things is real to them even if it is off the wall. Their way of thinking is right and everybody else is off. There is absolutely no reasoning with them....you must wait until the meds are working and things will make more sense. It is going to take time especially with Lamictal since it has to be given in slowly and takes time to get up to a thereapeutic level.
What you are seeing in your husband is a mixed state....he says the nasty things and later on when he realizes how he reacted he apologizes. But he has to learn with the meds working that he has to stop himself from doing those things that are hurtful to others and have him feeling bad afterwards. He must learn to be accountable for his actions and change his behavior but he will not be able to do that without the proper meds in place and wanting to improve things for himself.
I hope this helps you understand a little bit better.
Thanks for the MOther's Day wishes....I must go & will try to check in a little bit later.
Marsh thanks for the well wishes of my work! I hope so too!
I didnt explain it too well but Goody said exactly what I meant, and all of that is true. SHe is so smart about these things and I just fumble over it trying to figure out why but that was pretty much exactly true. I wish my hubby would get on here or learn something so he can understand me. Realizing it and being able to fix it are different.
Hopefully on Thursday they will give me some decent meds. I will keep you up to date!
What happened to everyone indeed? one day it was like keeping up with 3 pages of replies a day then poof ! it all disappeared... Maybe everyone got busy. I know I did but busy having fits or something not anything constructive, and stressing out for no reason. At least I know now that I was doing it for no reason. Now I know to find all the info out before I stress out. Anyways stressing out never solved anything because stress kills while it does all sorts of badness in the process...
Well I hope you are ok and that you can get along with your hubby again and i hope that he is really taking the meds. I dont know why anyone wants to be BP and manic it ruins your life and it totally sux. I cant say I can understand the fun of it because its totally not! well hang in there and try to stay happy. Do something for you!
i think he does have misplaced anger. I dont know why he wont admit if he has BP and just work at getting stabilized. It wont change who you are per se but make you not be a nutcase, to be on meds!
I am sure if he said that about the separation, he does mean that its hurting him too but for some reason cant see what he is doing to you before it happened as to why it happened.
What does he say is unbearable about the nights? Is it missing you or is it just cant sleep or what? I know the past few weeks I am falling asleep at 5 am cuz I just cant sleep and get so much more irritable that in the day I am a horrible person!
Good luck Marsh!
Hi Marsh & Leomia I acquired my insight from learning all that I can about BP and also through living with my daughter who has BP.
There are a few things that I would like to suggest here. First, Marsh....there ARE meds that work quicker at relieving the irrtability and anger such as Ripserdal, Seroquel, Geodon....perhaps your hubby or you could suggest that your hubby needs some quick relief of his symptoms. The Seroquel is also great for sleep and may be something that the doctor should entertain perscribing for your hubby. Did your hubby tell the pdoc that he was having problems with sleep???
Okay...now for the second thing that is reality. The meds are not going to be the cure all here. Even the most stable people will admit that the anger, irrtability, and agitation will still be part of their lives sometimes more and other times less. It will be much better when on the meds that is for sure but if you think that there is a pill that is going to make that disappear I am afraid that you will both be deeply disappointed. I was hoping that would happen for Erin but I have a feeling that it won't.....that the meds are only going to do so much and the rest is going to be up to her. Like getting good sleep, taking her meds on time and not forgetting, staying away from drugs and alcohol that will just throw things into a talespin, eating well avoiding sugar and caffeine, avoiding stressful situations or environments that will trigger symptoms and applying coping stratedgies that are learned in therapy to lessen the symptoms or diffuse them before they worsten. That is the reality of BP or at least that is what I have worked on accepting for myself in terms of where I see Erin in all of this. The truth is, it is going to take alot of love and understanding and a very special person to love a BPer. And it isn't really easy.
Like yesterday....Erin started out the day quite irritable and upset.....her dad had gotten her up early to get the day started which was probably a BiG mistake. He sent her into the store to pick out something for me and she came out with some shaving gel for herself and other things and a small card for me. She didn't feel like making breakfast....she was too tired so hubby bought egg sandwiches which are my favorite but when she came in she threw mine at me and didn't make a point of making the breakfast any more special than any other day (hogging the ketchup to herself and giving me a look when I asked her to pass it down to me). Of course, we discovered that she hadn't taken her meds....she took them an a little while later things improved but I remember going into my room with my eyes filled wondering why even on Mother's Day I had to deal with her moods.....I just asked God for a break!! And HE came through for me because after that things got better....Erin called me in and told me that my favorite movie was on which was "Beaches" and she asked me to watch it with her. I had her watch it with me when it was towards the end months ago and this time we were able to watch the beginning part which she had missed. We then had our dinner out together which was nice and came home and sat outside watching the sunset over the water. We watched a "chick DVD" and when she went off to bed she gave me the warmest, sweetest hug and kiss that I haven't had in such a long time and which made my entire day.
What I am saying is that as much as we would like to have our loved one back the way they were before BP became part of their lives it just isn't going to happen. But with the right meds and therapy and awareness on the BPers part things will get pretty close to that with a little understanding and lots of love on our part. That is what I am trying to say here and get you to understand.
It isn't easy for the BPer or for those who love the BPer....but it does get better when the BPer takes their meds and does everything they can do to gain the insight that they need to get better for themselves as well as the ones that they love.
I hope that helps you to better understand things.
poor Marsh. I cant see how someone can do all this, but then I am not in his shoes. I am type to get lonely at night, just need to know someone is there, but would not go and find someone else!
Definately, he needs to get under control that he cant treat you like this or spit or swear at you, you are right you need to keep your dignity. I hope he will come around and see what he needs to do as his part.
I am here, Marsh....in & out since my brother is not doing well and I have had other things to tend to lately. Doesn't mean that I don't care about you or anybody here.....just trying to get through some things on the homefront.
Anyway....as far as what you say about the lack of insight...yes that is a big part of instability....until the meds start working there really is little that you or a doctor can do....even as far as taking the meds or being compliant with them...your husband is going to have to see for himself that he needs the meds and as soon as they start working and he feels somewhat better and less irritable and angry things can be sorted out better. Doesn't mean that this will happen overnight...it really is all up to him and there really isn't much that you or anybody else can do until he decides for himself that the meds are worth it and making him feel better.
As far as the drinking goes...only he can choose to stop that as well...some say that once the meds do what the drinking has done then there is no reason left to drink....but that is not something that is a guarantee. Again, he has to choose this for himself.
I am glad that you are standing back and not getting sucked in....your dignity is important and you should let your husband know that you do not intend to be treated like a doormat or somebody who deserves to be spit upon. That you are worth more than that and are not going to stick around with somebody who treats you in such a way....BP or not.
The truth is that stability doesn't happen overnight....it is going to take time and won't begin until the meds start working. As I already said, Lamictal takes time sometimes months to kick in....so be prepared not to see too much of a change until then.
Oh goody sorry to impose on your time when you have so much going on. I also wanted to comment on your mothers day and how it turned out well inspite of how it started out. I guess even when they are stable it is hard at times. You sure do have a lot to cope with and here you are helping others. I am sorry really to call on you so much. Wish I could do something nice for you because you deserve it so much.
Awwwwww....thanks Marsh....you do not call on me too much, I do love helping our when I can but the way things are lately it is difficult to do it as much as I usually do because of my time on the phone with family trying to keep everybody informed. I also have my oldest finishing up college and she is stressed with finals and making arrangements for next year's housing and packing up so she has been calling a few times a day as well.
I just wanted to stress to you that even when medicated there is still alot going on in a BPers life. It is going to be a dedication on their part to want to take the meds and do everything they can to work through the disorder on a day to day basis. And it is work on their part and changes in their lifestyle. It is an awareness of their lives and how BP affects them and what they need to do to turn things around. It is a committment to wanting to do that and not allow the disorder to take over at any given time. It won't happen unless your hubby is committed to wanting to get better. That is what I want you to understand.
It isn't easy but it can be done as we have seen in the lives of many here. There will still be ups & downs but to a lesser degree with more periods of stability inbetween. That is the reality that you must prepare yourself for if you are going to be part of a BPers life.
Marsh ~ He doesn't know what he wants from one moment to the next. You can't tell what is real because he is not stable or on meds that are working yet. So you need to take care of yourself and allow him to do the same. Don't allow him to knock you down with anything he says....he is lashing out at the person he is closest to....YOU. Marsh, I guess you need to take a stand.....tell him that you need him to call you when he is stable or wants you to be actively involved in helping him find stability and that there is no middle ground. And stand firm on that. It's not going to be easy and certainly won't bee until the meds are working and you can somehow reason with him. You must decide what is more important....saving your dignity or waiting for him to become stable. That is the situation that lies before you.
I know that you are in LIMBO....but you have to decide which way you are going and then take a stand. If you divorce and years later he is stable perhaps you can pick up where you left off. The important thing is to decide what is best for your life right now.