I was just wondering if other people feel intense guilt when going through a divorce? Such as wondering if you could of done better in the marriage or believing that the rage from the bp was caused by something you did. My husband still says his rage and anger is because I have walls up and in the relationship I have been pushing him away on one hand and pulling him close on the other. While I realize I do that because of issuses I have with intimacy can that really cause him to rage and do what he has done? I need some peace in my heart that what I am doing is right. I know I can't live with his rage and anger and he says it is only over this matter. I don't really agree with him but could I not be seeing what is real? I hate hurting him.
Oh, dear, dear Marsh.....I see so much of me in you before I worked on my self worth and confidence. I don't mean this in a bad way but I think that you and I are somewhat alike in the sense that we are able to see the good in everybody and do not like thinking or even seeing the bad in them. I am still that way to some extent, however, when I was in my 20's and in an emotionally abusive relationship I found myself thinking much like you are right now. I fell in love with what I saw as a wonderful person, we got engaged and even bought a house together. He was my first partner I became intimate with and I saw forever with him. However, I had the blessing ( or what I saw as the curse at the time ) of seeing the worst in him before we got married. I ignored my friends and family's comments and warnings regarding his treatment of me....he made sure that he told me it was everybody else that had the problem and slowly he had alienated me from all of my family and friends.
As this happened my self worth plummeted and I was stuck in the web of internal conflict in which all I could see was the man who I fell in love with rather than the man who he really was. When things went wrong he made me feel as if it were my fault....there were times that I actually believed him. But thank God my family who took giant steps back and prayed that I would come to my senses allowed me to have the time & space to do just that.
I remember going to a couples therapist as a last ditch effort and he met with us both, then my fiance, and then with me. When I sat before the therapist he looked me straight in the eye and told me that I needed to leave this relationship and that things were not going to get better. Still, even after we left I ignored the therapist's remarks and stayed a little bit longer.
And FINALLY my eyes were opened to the fact that this just wasn't going to change. I called my parents & brothers who called my aunt, uncle & cousins. I never will forget when three cars full of family and friends pulled up and demanded that this guy move out telling him if he caused me any more trouble that he would have to deal with them. They changed the locks and my brother moved in with me until things were settled and the house was sold.
The first thing I did, which was the best thing I ever did for myself, was go to a therapist to find out why I stayed so long and how I could regain everything that was lost and prevent this from ever happening again. And it didn't take very long at all....my therapist helped me to identify that while there is good in everyone if the bad outweighs the good in the sense of stealing away your self worth or threatening your self confidence, rather than making you more confident or filling your inner core....then it is just something that could potentially take it all away. And I made sure that I always had this inner gauge within me, I guess I would call it my strong instincts, that would measure how much the person was nourishing my self confidence and worth by the way we interacted and related to one another.
Okay....I got a little carried away here but Marsh, this is not your fault....your husband is sick and is refusing to get the help that he needs. And because the illness that he has is in the brain he doesn't see things in a rational or logical manner. And so it is soo easy for him to think that the problem lies elsewhere and will do so until he is stabilized on the right meds.
So...you need to do what I did...you need to replenish that inner core that has been depleted. I know that you shared with us that you had seen a therapist but I don't think you saw the right one. It takes alot of time to find the right one....I was lucky enough to have found it by walking in the door of the one that came highly recommended to me. And she gave me back my life....she told me that she didn't, that I had it all along but only had to reclaim it. It is time for you to relaim yours, Marsh.
Don't feel guilty or that any of this is your fault....the only thing that you can ever blame yourself for is not seeking out the help that you need to help reclaim your self worth and confidence.
Hang in there and know that we are here.
Love ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-20-2007 at 08:26 AM.
I was just wondering if other people feel intense guilt when going through a divorce? Such as wondering if you could of done better in the marriage or believing that the rage from the bp was caused by something you did. My husband still says his rage and anger is because I have walls up and in the relationship I have been pushing him away on one hand and pulling him close on the other. While I realize I do that because of issuses I have with intimacy can that really cause him to rage and do what he has done? I need some peace in my heart that what I am doing is right. I know I can't live with his rage and anger and he says it is only over this matter. I don't really agree with him but could I not be seeing what is real? I hate hurting him.
marshmallow.....please....for the last time, his rage is not caused by anything you did in any way shape or form.....
what he's doing to you is called "gaslighting", he's trying to make you doubt your own perception of reality.....and he's ALMOST succeeding....
stay strong and do what you have to do......don't worry about hurting him.....he's doing that to himself.....stop putting the responsibility on you.
To both of you Goody and Rose, thank you so much. You both said the words I needed to hear. He is suppose to be served some time this week and he has been trying to make me see it is ME at fault but the thing is I know its his illness but I let doubt and guilt creep in. My lawyer is wonderful and has been helping me to see a lot of things. She is a Pastor's wife and sometimes she says I am taking off my lawyer hat and putting on my Pastor's wifes hat so listen to me. Knowing you both have been through this helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the things I think of too is his family all support me and have said he needed to be hospitalized. The support they give me is limited because they live many states away but they know he is sick and needs help. Anyway, Rose and Goody thank you soooooo much. You are both wonderful.
Oh, Rose did you see the thread I wrote saying where is Rosequartz? You were right about the debt.
Last edited by marshmallow; 06-20-2007 at 09:26 AM.
Hi Marsh....I didn't see that thread, I'll have to go search it out. Sounds like you have a good lawyer who can advise you and help you thru this. Trust her, she's got your best interests at heart.
Goody2shuz, I think your story makes it very clear how love can blind us all.... our fear of letting go and being alone can also be part of the denial. It's great you had such a great family support that must have made a world of different for you taking that step....
Marsh, don't you think at this point it's not about, you not wanting to hurt him, it's about does he make you happy and a better person? Isn't that what a partner should be.... someone that get's your back and loves you unconditionally. So what if you have intimacy issues. We all have issues. It’s about finding the right partner that complements your issues and loves you regardless. Yes, we all have to work on ourselves but I just think a good partner will help us get over walls and not blame us or judge us for them.
Marsh Me lady, sounds like you need to step out of your body for a moment and look at yourself.... if you were your own best friend...what would you advice yourself?
Dutches you posed a good question when you said what would I tell a best friend. I would clearly tell her she needs to leave the relationship and say exactly what all of you have said. I have cried for him not me. Funny thing is I am not afraid of being alone but I worry about him. However, he knew he had a person that would be there for hiim if only he had treated her the way a person deserves. I am sick of being blamed for everything. He knew what had happened to me and why I had intimacy problems but he would rage that I was pushing him away. My sister said that he should of taken me in his arms and understood and that could help me but the rage only did damage. I know that it will get better now I have the ball rolling. All of you are so great. How are you doing Dutches? I hope your starting to feel better.
Marsh,You sound good! Keep that ball rollllliiiinnnggggg..........!!!!
I'm doing fine. I’m still going through thinking bout the good memories of her, then of course I miss her, but I always manage to knock my head against the wall and realize.... she didn't do me right! Until her court case, June 27. I’m still kind of nervous to know if she is getting out of jail and if she will contact me. If she does I need to be strong and not give in, if she doesn't I need to be strong not to be thinking about what she is doing... If you know what I mean. Long answer...sorry thanks for asking.
I do understand how you feel about missing her. I miss many things about my husband but not the rage and tearing me down. I would be careful when she gets out because I bet she will contact you. It is very hard to cut ties with a person you love.
I know how you feel about still missing her. I feel the same way about my husband. I miss many things but not the rage and tearing me down. For the past year everytime he left after coming here I would be drained and just want to go to bed. That is no way to feel in a relationship. You must be careful after she gets out of jail. She will probably either be angry at you OR want to get back together either way be very careful.
I know....! Im afraid if she is angry,she w ill try to come harm me, I already thought of moving but I love my place. I have a 3 year restraining order so I'm hoping she will just be tired of getting herself into trouble and move on and leave me alone.
) of seeing the worst in him before we got married. I ignored my friends and family's comments and warnings regarding his treatment of me....he made sure that he told me it was everybody else that had the problem and slowly he had alienated me from all of my family and friends. 
never mind...
