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Old 07-08-2007, 08:36 AM   #1
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circles2007 HB User
Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

Hello all.

I am knew to this board and want to first thank everyone who has posted here. I've found a lot of comfort and support here when dealing with many of the issues that relate to being in a relationship with someone who has an untreated mental disorder. When I met my husband he was in a very violent and abusive relationship with his family (them abusing him). I couldn't figure out why as an adult he would CHOOSE to stick around such a horrible environment. All I know is my heart went out to him because I had never seen anyone suffer so much in my entire life. I thought that if my family and I could show him love, support he would be able to heal. People warned me about getting involved with him and his family but I thought there was no possible way a whole family (he comes from an excessively large family) could be dysfunctional and that there had to be some good ones who were just victims of a bad upbringing. My husband's in-laws started telling me they thought the whole family had issues (drug, alcohol, abuse, crime, etc.) and though they thought that bad upbringing was a major contributor, they thought that the underlying problem was bad genes. Needless to say all those spouses have left my husband's siblings and I'm starting to feel that is my only choice to. For several years I knew there was something wrong with my husband but like I also said I thought it was his upbringing. He has never been a happy person and for the most part he has ALWAYS been depressed. There have been times when he has been very loving, caring, and supportive, but then he would always change and start acting like a mad man. I could never understand how he goes from being as gentle as a baby to being me and our childs worst nightmare. I started looking into information outside of childhood abuse into mental disorder resources and my husband has all the signs of bipolar disorder and all except one sign of borderline personality disorder. At first he still wouldn't seek help. He told me that there was nothing wrong with him. That the rest of the world had a problem. His moods changed more frequently and I left him for about 6 weeks. Then and only then did he agree to go to doctor. His doctor thought that it was bp and sent him to a psy who also thought it was psy but wanted him to have some evaluations done before prescribing him a mood stabilizer. He didn't go back for the evaluation for various reasons. I decided to leave him again because of the verbal and emotional abuse followed by the kind and gentle person I fell in love with. I realized he was going into mania and I left because it is what is best for me and our child. At one point he was harrassing me by calling me all through the night and calling my place of employment. He's left me numerous messages and I can hear the pain in his voice from the struggles he is having. I finally realized that these are HIS struggles and not mine. Though I used to care for him, the abuse has become unbearable. Though I am trying to forgive him I will never forgot the things he has done to me (jealousy, lying, stealing, cheating, projecting, verbal/emotional abuse etc.) I always knew I could leave at any time because my family is so supportive. However he always had a way of making me feel sorry for him by crying and saying that we are all that he has. I'm tired of the circles we have been going in for years. Maybe he will realize that his upbringing, nor his mental condition give him the right to treat others poorly. Some one on here asked whether people with bipolar or bpd can be selective with their victims. I wondered the same because I notice he only acts that way with people he thinks he can get away with it with. Its amazing how he can control his rage when it comes to people that his afraid of.

Thanks for listening.

I know this was long (its posted on bipolar board and bpd board)

 
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Old 07-08-2007, 11:00 AM   #2
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4support HB User
Re: Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

Hi circles,

Welcome to the board!

You also sent a response to my post "husband lost it again!" and I am going to reply to you on that posting.

Lots of wonderful, insightful and understanding people here...we are definetely not alone.

Love,
4support

Last edited by 4support; 07-08-2007 at 11:24 AM.

 
Old 07-08-2007, 05:02 PM   #3
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rosebuddy HB Userrosebuddy HB Userrosebuddy HB Userrosebuddy HB User
Re: Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

IMHO

1. leave. You have tried. Let go. Life is too short to live like you are living.
2. get counseling for yourself and stop trying to figure out what is wrong with him and why. Instead seek out Why are you with someone that abuses you repeatedly and who also refuses to seek professional help.
3. set healthy boundaries with him. Do not allow him to manipulate you.

You deserve better.

 
Old 07-08-2007, 05:31 PM   #4
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circles2007 HB User
Re: Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

Thanks for the honest reply. I have left him. I have no intentions on going back and for the most part I know why I stayed for so long. I stayed because as long as we are married I felt that I can protect our child until he becomes an adult. Right now I can't imagine how things will be when we get divorced and our child has to visit him. I wouldn't want that to ever happen and when I can save up enough money to get a GOOD lawyer I'll move forward with the divorce and hope that at most he gets supervised visitation. I don't know whether you are divorced or not but if you know others who are divorced then I am sure that you know that the courts decisions aren't always whats in the childs best interest. Only the people living in the household know whats in the child's best interest.

Again thanks for the honesty and advice.

 
Old 07-09-2007, 10:08 AM   #5
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brighterfuture HB User
Re: Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

Quote:
Originally Posted by circles2007 View Post
Thanks for the honest reply. I have left him. I have no intentions on going back and for the most part I know why I stayed for so long. I stayed because as long as we are married I felt that I can protect our child until he becomes an adult. Right now I can't imagine how things will be when we get divorced and our child has to visit him. I wouldn't want that to ever happen and when I can save up enough money to get a GOOD lawyer I'll move forward with the divorce and hope that at most he gets supervised visitation. I don't know whether you are divorced or not but if you know others who are divorced then I am sure that you know that the courts decisions aren't always whats in the childs best interest. Only the people living in the household know whats in the child's best interest.

Again thanks for the honesty and advice.

You and I are living the same life. I am still with my husband, but one one fear is leaving my kids alone with him -- and I don't want that kind of life. I would rather run away with my kids then put them through all of that back and forth crap. It's hard enough with two sane people. Everything you said in your above post, from the family problems to making you feel sorry for him is my life. It's refreshing and sad to see someone else in this situation.

 
Old 03-03-2008, 10:26 PM   #6
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chambo99 HB User
Re: Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

Hello Everybody.

It's great to be in touch with people like yourself. I hope that just talking, understanding and being understood will help to strengthen some of you as well as myself.

I am married to a driven bipolar 2 personality. I have been married for 7 years to my wife but been together 10 years. It has never felt like a marriage but an endevour to keep her from falling in repetative abusive cycles. I have failed to keep that from happening. The last few years have been extremely trying and I realise what a bad state I am in now as I seem to have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. I feel angry because this is not the fun-loving level-headed person I used to be.

There is no relationship unless I appease her anger by gruelling listening periods every evening as she recounts every bad detail of the day over and over again.

I feel like a terrible husband because I have stopped caring and feel like I have no strength left to endure her personality. Infact, I feel resentment and disdain as I have learnt that there is nothing more that I can do.

My greatest concern is my kids. I have two daughters, 8 & 4, who watch their mother verbally attack their father on a regular basis, who cannot control her fits of rage and then cannot be accountable. I feel hopeless on their behalf but feel that I have tried to keep things together the best I can. I have to admit now that I cannot endure it any longer and feel guilty and unmanly to feel this way. A man should be proud of his wife and feel that she is his greatest treasure, not his worst nightmare and enemy.

Sorry. First time to this site but need to offload in friendly territory. Any suggestions. Divorce is a tricky subject for me and never an idea I would like to entertain much, which is why I am finding this even harder. Any advice is welcome, please male as well as female spouses of bipolar personalities or bds's welcome.

Thanks.

Chambo 99

 
Old 03-04-2008, 09:44 AM   #7
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Pri Lily HB User
Re: Spouse of Person with Bipolar/Possibly Borderline Disorder

Hi Everybody.....

I have both BPD, and bi-polar disorder.....

First thing.....BPD is often misdiagnosed as bi-polar.

Bi-polar is more not being responsible, spending too much money, jump in sex drive, becoming aggressive, if someone questions your blue prints of the new space shuttle

BPD is more aggressive, harassing, abusive-while fully believing that we are justified, and correct, retribution......

I've experienced both, and to the outside eye, the differences may be hard to distinguish. Basically, I use the reasoning of "why" I'm doing something to decide which it is.

The problems presented all sound like Borderline to me.

You all sound as though you're fed up. BPD creates BPD, and it is not good for children to be around. I advise all of you to try to make alternate living arrangements, and seek custody of your children. Get affidavits from witnesses to the behaviour if you have to. Make it clear that the behaviour is unhealthy. Ask the court for a Psych exam on your spouse. Don't stay in the situation out of fear....the courts should recognize the behaviour.

My Mother was borderline, and I don't think I would be nearly as good at it, if I had been taken out of the house.

Please let me know....

Lil

 
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