Over the past 5 years or so my husband has become unbearable to live with. Today is not as bad as some days. One day he encourages me, talks to me like he cares, wants to spend time together... Other days he will wake up and just be in the nastiest if moods. I cheated on my husband 5 years ago and after telling him about it he said that we would work on our marriage. He told me if I was honest then it would be easier. So I was. But now everything that happens in our life is because I cheated 5 yrs ago. I do not go to the grocery store without taking one of our 4 children. I come straight home from work. I do not have friends. I do not go out with co-workers. I leave work, come home, make dinner and take care of our kids. He tells me I am still cheating on him. He calls me horrible names in front of our kids. He tells me he hates me and wants a divorce. Finally, I began looking for an inexpensive way to start the divorce. I told him if we work it out with a Mediator than it would be cheaper. He seemed mad at me for suggesting it. He told me I should be trying to make it work. I am just tired of trying and getting walked all over. I have no like outside of being a Mom just so he doesn't think I am cheating.
He works nights. Sometimes after telling me how useless I am or what a ***** I am he will crawl into bed and want to make love after I have been sleeping for 3-4 hours. The next day he will tell me that if I loved him then sex would be better and that I don't want him intimately. He wakes me. I am asleep and do not wake ready to go. When we do go to bed together, which rarely happens, I have a hard time showing him love cause I know he will just yell at me for something in the morning or tell me he is the beast he is because of me.
I have told him I think he has Bipolar Disorder. He was furious when I said this. His Mother kind of agrees but he will not listen to her either. He has no friends as he says he doesn't need them so I have no one to help me help him. I do love him but it's less and less all of the time. He hurts so.
My kids are telling me to get the divorce. they too see how his temper flies and how sometimes when they go to him about something he doesn't pay attention or says we'll talk later but never does.
Please.. anyone.. tell me what I should do.
I doubt he's bipolar. You violated your vows and he just can't get over it. Combine with that, the fact that you no longer want intimacy with him and it's over.
You were honest with him about the depths of your affair(s). Well, how bad was it?
He yells at you. You make it sound like a daily occurence. Is it? Or is it something he does every once in a while that you harbor resentment towards him using it as a reason to not fullfill his needs?
The way you describe it makes it look like you are the saint here and he just can't get over your indiscretion of five years ago, but their are usually two sides to every story and I doubt we have heard all of it.
Are you just trying to diagnose him as bipolar to hold onto the seemingly failed relationship?
Joeyk - I am certainly no Saint nor do I claim to be. What I am is confused, frustrated and at the end of my rope. I am saddened that you were so quick to judge. You asked only a few questions which I answered below. You have no idea just how bad it really is. I have had staples in my head; 4 teeth punched out; out of work for 7 days becuase I was kicked in the back... this was before I cheated!!
When I cheated on my husband (once) and was honest with him, he decided that we could work thru it. He asked for complete honesty and that is what I gave him. I told him everything about my one night stand. I have done all he asks such as no friends, no drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Everything I do I do with him and our children. I give him no reason to think I would be cheating again.
When my children come to me and say that Dad was yelling because there was no bread and "said the F word 20 times"... I know what they mean. I have seen it myself. He gets violently angry at the smallest things. you ask if it happens daily... no, probably 4 times a week or so. It changes. Is that too because I cheated on him? Is it my fault he chose to stay in the marriage? I know I am the one that made the mistake by cheating but does that justify his behavior? Why wouldn't he just go? Some days he tells me that he sees how hard I try and that when he does recognize it, he thinks to himself that he should not let himself fall into it or he will get hurt. Other days he tells me that I am not trying hard enough.
It saddens me that he is so angry. When he says in front of our children that I am useless, a bad Mother, a *****.. yes, I do get angry. I get angry because he does it in front of them. They shouldn't have to hear those words. And I certainly am not keeping him here. He has a choice. I have left him. He wants me to come back and tells me he knows he needs to change if this marriage will work. One day he tells me to leave and the next that he cannot live without me.
How can you make love to a man and make him feel it if you are so hurt my his actions and words? if you know, please share it with me. How do you wake out of a sound sleep and be ready to do that EVERY night? How? Obviously you know something I do not. I don't push him away or tell him no, but I am certainly not as awake as he expects me to be.
If Bipolar is not constant up and down; staying up all night; no energy to do anything but go to work; quick temper; etc...... then what is it? It is because I cheated?
Kim, while I do not believe in cheating on a person I don't think the things your husband has done to you are things you should tolerate whether he is bp or not. I understand how you do not feel like being intimate when you have been called names and screamed at. It doe not exactly set the mood. I am sorry your having a hard time and I hope you find some answers.
kimmers, Welcome to the boards! I need to say, first and formost is I don't know! (To your question if your husband is BP.) Only a Doctor can tell you or him that he is BP. Have you reviewed the informational posts about Bipolar on this board? It really helped me understand this illness much better so I knew what I was dealing with! (My husband is BP. His Doctor told him that he is and then my husband told me this.) Anyway, it sounds like you have had a lot on your plate, so to speak. Have you ever tried to talk to your hubby when you two are not in a verbal fight? You may get somewhere if you aproach him when he's in a "better" mood and more relaxed. I've learned this thru the years with my own experience. Try & talk to him about feeling better & getting more joy in his life. As far as telling him that he's BP. or has a mental illness, I would stay away from that. He will probably shut right down and think when did SHE become a Doctor? I know about this because MY husband has said these words to ME before! After all, we are not Docs...so maybe we should shut up about that leave it to the professionals! About the whole cheating thing, I have never been thru this before so I cannot speak to that. I also will say I will not judge or condem you or anyone else for that. If & Until I am walking in that person's shoes, I cannot know what that person is experiencing. That's my spin on the whole thing! Again, welcome & I hope you can learn as much as I have learned from everyone on this board! God Bless, Kym. PS. I like your name! Kimmer is my nickname that my Dad gave me when I was a little girl!
Thank you Marshmellow and Kym!
Kym - (what a neat way to spell it ) I have tried talking to my husband while things were going well between us about his dramatic mood swings. He does open up a little bit about it to me but is very persistant about it being controllable. When he is not so angry and depressed he will tell me that he knows I try to show him that I love him and knows that I am doing my best but sometimes he just gets so angry that he loses sight.
I have suggested that we talk to someone - together. He does not like talking to anyone else about his thoughts or feelings. He is so hard to pursuade that seeing a Dr. just may help us.
I am hoping this bout we are going thru right now will too pass as the others have and I will suggest a Dr's visit again.
Thank you for listening. It feels good to let some of this out.
Welcome to the board. Bipolarity is a word that gets thrown around quite a bit lately. As others have already said, only a qualified psychiatrist can make an accurate diagnosis and sometimes, even they can get it wrong.
What is his family history like? Are there any other family members with a history of mental illness, drug or substance abuse. Sometimes you can find clues in the family tree.
From what you've described it sounds like there are issues of anger and abuse. There are a number of personality disorders that could result in these behaviors.
I agree with Marshmallow though. BP or not, I would think carefully about staying in the relationship if he is physically abusive to you or the kids. Why don't you make an appointment and go talk to someone by yourself? That might be one place to start.
Please keep posting with your comments and concerns. This is a great place to learn from others' experiences!
Tsohl.. to answer your question.. there is no history in my husbands family of any mental illness. However, he was raised knowing who his father was but that man never acknowledge my husband as his son. He does have substance abuse in his family too. It's funny you ask these questions because recently I mentioned to him that when he drinks his anger is far worse. The thing is, he maybe have 4-6 beers on a Friday night and then not touch alcohol again for another week. I really do think it has an affect though. I am certainly no Dr, but when he began drinking again about 2 months ago I have seen a dramtic difference as far as his anger and outlook on everything. It is just so crazy to me how he can be so angry even when I am not around. He called me last week while I was at work and the conversation stared ok, but then he began telling me that he thinks I am keeping small parts of his paycheck for myself and that I use it to see my "boyfriends" Mind you, I never leave the house so this would not even be possible. (I have learned from my mistakes)
caz44.. I know the physical abuse is something I should not have to put up with, however I do believe him when he says it is my fault. Then again, he has been hitting me for 17 years and it justs gets progressively worse, but further between. He does make me feel like I am the cause of all of our problems, but then I say to my self.. I cannot do this alone. he needs to help. He needs to stop throwing the one night stand in my face everytime I turn around. He cannot blame everything that is wrong with us on that one night. Maybe he really does just hate me. Maybe he really does want to quit on us. I don't know. I don't know what to believe nor do I think he really knows how he feels.
I think I will go talk to someone. Maybe if I go then he will eventually join me. I do love him. I love who he was but not who he has become. It is hard to continue to love him when he is so mean and hurtful. I do try and walk away when he starts in, but he will not let me. If I just let him do the yelling then he gets angry because I am not saying anything which must mean I do not care. If I say something the he just gets more angry. I think he wants me to say things to him that I will later regret so that I can feel as bad as he. I just don't know.
Kimmers, first of all YOU are not the cause of being hit. How can you allow him to hit you and say its your fault. Everyone is responsible for what they do and cannot blame another person. Even if you did wrong hitting you is not going to make it right. If you have been hit for 17 years your definately a victim of domestic abuse. Children should not have to live with this going on. There is no way to justify violence or abuse. Whether or not you realize it this is affecting you and your children.