I met an american four years ago and he came to the uk for his birthday and never went back! He gave up his job in the caribbean and just left to come to england. I started to feel suspicious when he asked to borrow money some three months later as he said that he had to transfer money from the states and this would take 6 weeks, i believed him - he met my family and friends and came to live with me and my daughter, he was charming, helpful and everyone thought he was great, nothing was too much trouble. Everything was fine for a while and we got married abroad, although I had a nagging doubt about him, I contacted an agency for a background check which came back clear so went ahead with the wedding. We were away for one month and a week after we returned home, he went to B&Q one sunday morning and never returned. I contacted police, hospitals I was so worried, then the bomb dropped and my brother told me that he owed him over 2 thousand pounds, he also owed my parents 500 pounds - he told everyone he would pay them back once home out of his work cheque - he didn't. I discovered my engagement ring, wedding ring, cash had all gone. Some days later he text, then appeared at my door with the explanation that he was an addicted gambler - foolishly I let him back in my home as I believed I could help and I loved him. He continued to tell me lies, drink, disappear, not be where he was meant to be and eventually I threw him out - the mistake I then made was to remain in contact, he went to live with a mutual friend and he broke into the friends safe, stole cash, foreign currency and possessions, he stole cheques and forged signatures on them and cashed them through his uk bank account - he was arrested and went to court - after court he disappeared abroad but remained in contact with phone calls, text and emails - even then I found out he was lying about where he was - my ultimatum was that he came back to the uk and faced the music, he came back to the uk but did not face the music - little by little I found out that he was conning people, he set up a business and took deposits for work which he cashed and never did the work - he constantly lied to the point that I didnt know where I was or what to believe yet I constantly kept finding out about people he had hurt, ripped off, conned - he managed to work his way through all my family and friends, using his charm which he has a plentiful supply of - some of my family have nothing to do with me because of him and I have also lost friends - I eventually met his parents who are lovely people but I found out from them that he had outstanding warrants for his arrest in the USA, he had conned them both out of over one hundred thousand dollars and they were still fighting law suits where he had forged signatures, set up businesses, sold them and disappeared, usually to las vegas to gamble. He had also broken into employers safes and stole money and cheques, forged signatures and put through his account, he did the same to his parents as well - his mother has been taken to court 7 times over a limousine business he set up and she has now been told that when her husband dies, that's his father, that she will loose her home, car etc - at the moment she is protected because it is all in her husbands name. He lied to me about his parents, he said they were very wealthy, had three big homes etc, all lies, he owes money to all his parents friends and his own friends and now those friends dont want to know. He has lied just about everthing in his life and when he is caught out he turns it around to be someone elses fault, especially mine. He has bullied me and my daughter, he shouts and yells all the time, he earns alot of money but never supports us, he gives me twenty pound here and there if I am lucky and wants to know what it is for. He drinks excessively, in fact he drinks everynight and he drinks alot, he comes home drunk and aggressive and looks for a fight, he believes everything that goes wrong is my fault - he criticises me all the time and he bullies my 13 year old little girl - he stays out til the early hours of the morning and sometimes does not come home at all - he says that I argue with him and that I have made him not want to be with me, he screams and embarasses me in public and in front of our neighbours - he has threatened me with violence and has said that if I ever leave him or meet anybody else he will kill me. He scares me to death as the threats he makes are not only violent ones - for a peaceful life I have tried to let him get on with it but he has got worse, he worked in a local pub, befriended the landlord and was entrusted with the keys, he then broke in and stole all the cash from the tills and then some weeks later he broke in and broke into the safe, stole cash and cheques and forged sigatures on these and put them through his bank account - earlier this year he was arrested for his aggressive behaviour towards me and my daughter and went to court the next day due to the outstanding warrant for breaking into a safe and then skipping the country, he was sent to prison and immigration became involved - i was amazed that he was allowed to stay but this was on the condition that he left the uk in 30 days and informed immigration of his flight details etc, he went abroad for one day and returned to the uk after being told not to do this by immigration, he was meant to apply for a spousal viza in the states. He is here on a six month visitors viza and is working illegally, he has even managed to con the people that employ him, he has stolen from them as well but its his charm and helpfulness that gets him by. He has no friends, he makes friends very easily and quickly but they never last more than five minutes as he cons them and then moves on, he changes his job regularly, he changes his vehicle regularly, he moves around alot and he is very, very secretive - he keeps all his documents, laptop, passport etc locked up in his van - he never tells me where he is working, I am never introduced to work colleagues, he never tells me what time he will be home, if at all - on top of this, he got in with a crowd of people who are drug dealers, he worked for them driving stolen vehicles delivering drugs to london, he also went with them to carry out collections of cash for drugs - he skimmed money from them and they are after him as well as the police, immigration, etc - he was recently beaten up badly in london though he has never elaborated on this but he will not go to certain places - he parks his vehicle in secret locations and walks. He has very grand plans for his future though so far in his life he has achieved nothing and has just the bags he came to the uk with, plus a laptop etc. He has ripped off loads of local companies, banks, credit card companies and they are all looking for him and he believes that his troubles are due to me and the fact that he came to england - I was approached by some heavies recently in a car park who knew that I was married to him and they made some threats to me, I have not informed the police, or him of this, I am too scared as I have my daughter to look after - he shows no remorse ever for the hurt and pain he has caused people, and me, he scares me as he can have the whole world about to cave in around him yet to see him and speak to him you would think that life is perfect and that he doesnt have a care in the world - that is scarey ! He has been coming home paraletic which means he must be drinking an awful lot, he drinks and drives and if I criticise him for this, he just blows up into a rage, he yells and shouts and tells me its my fault that he drinks so much and this is usually followed by him leaving and going out and getting more and more drunk - everyone in my life has told me to get rid of him, my family and friends want him gone for good - his parents have said the same, they dont speak to him at all now as he conned them out of more money saying that he needed it for me which was not true at all - I really need some help, I have no one to talk to and am half believing that maybe this is all my fault, I dont sleep well, I hardly ever go out, it is a struggle to even post a letter, I have low self esteem, I dont eat properly and have lost loads of weight, I cry almost every day and I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me - he is unsupportive, he doesn't show any sympathy when I am upset, he just shouts - I have become a walking zombie, I am exhausted by all this and I feel there is no way out. Please help me if you can ?
Charm is their number one vice, (hence why people believe them in the first place)!
Sociopaths blame anyone and everyone............BUT THEMSELVES.
You need to cut ties with this man for your own sanity, (and your daughters sanity too). My advice would be to get away before his threats become reality. Womens refuse? There is no reasoning with these people. Once they are aware that you do want out of the relationship, they DO put their threats into action. (I know from personal experience). Take care. You will come through this. And don't forget, you have done nothing wrong.
Thank you for those kind words and reassurance - I could contact a women's refuge, but what about my daughter's schooling, although it may be safer, she will still need to go to school and he knows where this is and the routines etc - I would like to believe that he would not carry out any of the threats he has made but maybe I am too close to all this and unrealistic ? How much should I take his threats seriously ?
I have no one to talk to and am half believing that maybe this is all my fault, I dont sleep well, I hardly ever go out, it is a struggle to even post a letter, I have low self esteem, I dont eat properly and have lost loads of weight, I cry almost every day and I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me - he is unsupportive, he doesn't show any sympathy when I am upset, he just shouts - I have become a walking zombie, I am exhausted by all this and I feel there is no way out. Please help me if you can ?
BELIEVE that there is a way out...............because there is.
It took me to dragged down to where you are at now for that message to sink in. In hindsight, becoming depression was a blessing in disguise.
I ALWAYS stayed, (12 long years)! because
What about the children
what about a broken home
what about the stigma
what about whatever..........
what about the threats
None of the above are reasons to stay, merely excuses to talk ones self out of leaving.
The fear of what would happen kept me locked in and that's why I endured what I did. One day, the threats became reality. He knew I was going to go no matter what. I made the mistake to telling him I was going and I fled for my life, along with the children. You could call the womens refuse and seek their advice re schooling, relocating, having protection for yourself and your child.
Once he knows you have the strength to leave, that is when you should take his threats very, very seriously, but with careful planning of an ecsape plan you will come through this.
(ps - emotional abuse is very damaging, despite having no physical scars to prove the abuse).
Keep talking and although you have feel you are on an uphill struggle, it is possible to climb the mountain and conquer.
You need to take your child and RUN, not walk, to the shelter you referred to. You can't at all see this, but this incredibly toxic relationship has now made you as sick as your husband, although in a very different way. He is a pure sociopathic predator, whose only goal in life is to use everyone he meets for his own sick needs, and one of the side effects of your immersion in this life with him has been to completely destroy your self-image, as well as your ability to even think clearly at this point about what to do next. And if you think things are bad right now, I can assure you it is going to get even worse if you continue staying with him. Would you continue staying in your home if there was a lit stick of dynamite right next to you with the fuse burning down? Would you say, well, the dynamite might be about to explode, but I sure don't want to give up my routines and my daughter's schooling? Well, thats the reality of your situation right now, and guess what, that dynamite is about to explode,with you right next to it. The ONLY thing of importance right now is getting away and staying away from this monster. Survival, physical as well as mental and emotional, is your sole and only priority right now; routines, your daughters schooling, etc, can all be re-instated once you and she are safe. It is a mark of how ill this has made you that you even consider things like that as valid reasons for staying with this guy. You are in absolute need of Therapy, and your daughter too. I would also advise printing out your post and taking a copy of it to your therapist, so that as you regain your soul, you can use it as a frame of reference for how far you've come, as you begin to heal. And also, get some sort of restraining order against this guy.And, no, I can't promise you that this guy won't come after you if you leave him, but I would be encouraged by the fact that he's already in hot water with law enforcement as it is. And , there's certainly more than one type of death...I'm referring to death an inch at a time, which you've already experienced by continuing to stay with this person. I am wishing for you safety, peace and health!
Last edited by garylovesnadja; 10-21-2008 at 12:43 PM.
Wow - I feel so bad for you and your situation. However, why are you not letting the police and immigration know of his whereabouts? I don't understand how he got back into the country? You will never feel safe not knowing where he is if you just go to a shelter. If you can have him arrested and/or deported AND prevent him from re-entering the country you could at least breath a little after you get out of the shelter. He doesn't have to know it's you that reported him. If you're worried about it then ask someone you know to tell but TELL the authorities where he is. How many articles have you read recently about how desperate men kill their loved ones? Please, I beg you, leave and tell the police where they can find him. Good Luck to you - please let us know how it all turned out for you!
I know how hard it is to take a stand against your husband as I'm going through something similar. This is the person you promised to love for the rest of your life, but he's very dangerous and you have a child to think of. You are not going to do your little girl any good if you get yourself beat up or killed or put her in harms way.
So pull yourself together and get to a shelter, then go to the police and have him arrested and deported ASAP. If possible, move as soon as you can in case he finds his way back into the country again. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your child.