Re: Does anyone understand!!
Boy Oh Boy have you got the lot!!
I do understand, I understand very deeply. I am a 42 year old woman in Australia. I have Bipolar Disorder II and Panic and Anxiety Disorders. I am also a 10 years sober alcoholic in AA. I come from a terrible childhood where I had a violent, neglectful, abusive father who was an alcoholic who died from his alcoholism when I was 14. My Mum, never a drinker, was so beaten down in every sense of the word that she soon married another violent alcoholic, my Stepfather.
My first thought is that you need to first look after your own needs before you can help all those around you. Trying to push down the feelings you have can only be counterproductive. They will come up and manifest in other ways - maybe even mental illness and addiction, but certainly in personality traits and your ongoing ability to be functional in your own life - and just downright happiness/unhappiness.
One option for you is Alanon, which is a 12 step program for families or loved ones of alcoholics. It really works. While I was still drinking I had the insight to tell my Mum about Alanon (she was still with my stepfather at that time) and she went, and stayed, did heaps of work on herself with the help of wonderful people and she changed. Our whole life she had been a shreaking, crazy, passive aggressive mess. But she really evoled. A few years on I got sober and a few years on from that we got out act together for the first time in our lives, as a loving mother and daughter. Of course we had spats and ups and downs, just like any Mum and daughter, but it was light years away from our whole life up until then.
She passed away 2 years ago. The anniversary of her death was last week. I have much "cleaner" grief about Mum than I ever would have had, had we not sorted a lot of things out.
With everything going on in your life it might also be suitable for you to be supported by therapy. While there may be many people in your family sicker than you, it doesn't mean their isn't scope for YOU to get some support.
Alanon and therapy can also coach you in one critical area in your family dynamics: boundaries. That might not be meaningful to you now, but strong boundaries can make for better mental health for you, a clear picture in your head of what your relationships are with family members and anyone you encounter is, and what you are prepared to accept from all those you love. It is incredibly empowering.
I wish you the best on your quest and hope to see your posts.