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Old 01-03-2010, 12:04 PM   #1
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Girlfriend and Rape

Hello,

There are probably many threads here on relationships and rape, but I feel that i need to express my confusion and pain in my own words.

I have been dating this girl for a little over a month. She is quiet, kind, a little shy, and almost everything i could ask for in a girl. Beautiful, smart, funny.

We got to talking last night on the phone, and I asked her to tell me of anything that has happened in her past. Anything that I should know about. Keep in mind I am just curious at this point, and just want to know if there were any guys who had done something horrible to her, or something of the matter.

She then proceded to tell me that her abusive dad had forced her into sex. My heart sank. I felt like somebody had just walked up and knocked the wind out of me literally. I couldnt breathe. I wandered around my house aimlessly looking for something to calm me down (to be exact my can of copenhagen), and really couldnt believe what i had just heard.

She explained that her dad had "forced her" to have sex with him. And this happened only about 5 or 6 months ago. we are both 19. The only people who know about this are me and a friend of hers. It breaks my heart that the rest of her family doesnt know. She still lives with this guy like they are all a perfect family. She explains that it only happened once, and although it was emotionally painful for her, the two of them "are getting along much better".

Now I am a guy who loves getting to know my significant other's family. It is exciting, and I like to feel a part of their family as much as my girlfriend does, but now I know that once I meet her parents, this whole situation is going to keep flashing in my mind. I know that we havent been dating that long, but I was still looking forward to becoming friends with her parents and siblings. It is just my nature.

I do not know what to do. I am one of two people who knows about this, and I cannot sleep or eat. I really like this girl, but cannot seem to cope with what I have just found out. If anyone can relate, or give me advice as to how i should handle the situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks

Last edited by floridasfinest; 01-03-2010 at 12:06 PM.

 
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Old 01-03-2010, 01:02 PM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

Hello. I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to your girlfriend. There are actually three issues to resolve concerning this incident

1) How to resolve your feelings about the rape
2) How to resolve her feelings
3) How to use this incident to actually strengthen your relationship (not that there's anything wrong, but every relationship, no matter how good, needs strengthening. )

1) First, your feelings about the incident. Since I'm a guy only several years older than you (I'm 26), I can understand if you feel uncomfortable being around her dad. After all, as a decent guy, (which sound to be), you want to do everything in your power to protect your girlfriend. Remember though, that she is also an adult and can protect herself. If she wants to still live with her dad, then it might hurt the relationship if you try to talk her out of it. That said, if he continues this act, you should do everything you can to convince her to live with you or with a friend (either of her's or a mutual friend, preferrably female.) But, the decision is up to her, unless of course, her life actually is in danger and even then, the decision is still up to her.

2) Her emotions: She may say she is okay, but since this rape happened only recently, she may still be in shock and/or trying to mentally surpress this act. Her saying everything okay may be her attempt to try to mentally make everything "ok" by trying to "forget" about it. Respect her wishes. I know it won't be easy, but since you've only been dating for a month, it's not a good idea to try to intervene in her family situation (other than talking only with her, of course, which you should do), for 2 reasons:

1) He's still her dad, and since you've only been dating for a month, she might still side with him, should it be a choice between you v. dad. Strange, but true.

2) The rest of the family might not know about this rape, as you indicated, and might turn against you for "stirring up trouble," even though you are only trying to help.

Thus, my advice: let her talk about it with you, and come to her own decisions.

3) How to make this relationship stronger: You can use this incident to show her that you're a great guy who would never do this to her. You can show this by treating her like a princess, even more than you do already. Show her, basically, that you are not like her dad. Earn her trust by listening to her, and letting her cry about it if she wants to. But, only if she wants to. She'll appreciate you being her rock during this situation, and yet being there for her without trying to "fix" her.

I hope this helps, man. You're a lucky guy to find such an intelligent, sweet young woman like her.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 02:13 PM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

Kevpark,

Thank you for your help.

I have no problem caring for her and listening to her. I am good with helping people with their problems and listening, but the problem isnt necessarily her getting over this.

It is me. I am the type of guy who is always looking to have a relationship that isn't influenced by past regrets. I have always tried to date girls who have not had sex (or barely at all), because i tend to think of these girls as those who do not respect themselves. Although I have made the mistake of doing it, and so has she (with one other than her rape), I tend to let these things get to me, and they really do affect me on an emotional level.

It also really bugs me that she has not gathered up the strength to tell anybody (except for me), and this shows me that she isnt as strong of a woman as i desire. I really do like her and enjoy being with her, but I strongly fell that this will lead to the end of our relationship, because of the way i view the past. I feel horrible about saying that, but it is the dark honest truth. It makes me look bad I really just need something to keep in mind when dealing with this. Its painful for me.

Thanks a bunch

I mean in the long run will I be able to get over this? It is so unbearably disgusting and perverted that I am physically sick at the thought of it.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-26-2011 at 08:20 PM.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 02:26 PM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

This is an awful, awful way to think of a woman who has been raped. Think of the conflicts that any woman must face if she is raped--the shame, the thought that people will blame her, think she's promiscuous, that she herself might blame herself. THen couple that with the fact that it was the man she most trusts in the entire world who did it to her. It is really all that "weak" that she hasn't been able to tell anyone? Her whole family, how would they react? Would they believe her, or think she way lying? Would they just ignore the situation? She doesn't know. To hold this against her is completely wrong.

In addition, you have to think about the fact that sex isn't always a "mistake". It may be nice to be with someone "pure" who hasn't had sex before, but sex can be a loving act that doesn't necessarily make you impure or less of a person once that particular relationship is over.

You seem to have some views about women and relationships that you may need to resolve before you can be in a healthy relationship. I would just hate to be the girl who confided in you that her dad raped her and then you break up with her. It seems like somehow you made it seem like she could really trust you. The past is the past, let it go. It's dangerous to ask a significant other about skeletons in their closet, esp. if you know you feel the way you do.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-26-2011 at 08:20 PM.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 03:25 PM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

This shouldn't be about you and how this awful event affects you, but about how it affects her. You should be thinking "what an awful thing to have happen to someone I care about, I hope I can make her feel a bit better and be someone who can give her comfort and security", not thinking about how it makes YOU feel about someone you're involved with.

If this is how you feel about it (I think you feel she's "tainted" because of her supposed "weakness" for not telling her family), then maybe you're not the one for her.
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Old 01-03-2010, 03:51 PM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

All you have talked about is how this poor girl's rape has affected you. You say you like helping people and being a good listener, but you sound too self centered for this to be remotely true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by floridasfinest View Post
Kevpark,

I mean in the long run will I be able to get over this? It is so unbearably disgusting and perverted that I am physically sick at the thought of it.
If you feel this bad just hearing about it, imagine how she feels? You say she is not strong enough a woman for you because she isn't reacting in a way that you find appropriate. This trauma is very recent, the fact that she's up and about and trying to get on with her life in her own way makes her sound incredibly strong. Yes, living with and continuing to have a relationship with her father isn't a rational response on her part. But, you know what, people try their best to get on with their lives following abuse. It will take time. I don't believe she should be under the same roof as her father either, but it's not for us to judge her. She's doing what she feels is right in this moment in time, she needs people supporting her through this. Instead of judging her you should be trying to get out of this living situation. Directing her to an abuse hotline, helping her find a therapist, helping her to find another apartment. In short, something constructive that will put her on the road to recovery and help her to heal and get away from her abuser.

You sound like an unbelievably self-obsessed, mean spirited, and judgmental person. This girl needs all the support and love the world has to offer now, and you aren't equipped to give this to her. You sound like you're living in another century, your views on women are extremely misogynistic. Let her go, she deserves much better. I only hope she hasn't become to attached to you. If you break up make sure to emphasize that the problem lies entirely with you, not her.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 06:17 PM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

If this only happened 6 months ago, chances are she's still in a great deal of shock and just doesn't know what to do. This man is not just some pervert in the bushes, this is her father we're talking about. The man who was her very first male role model, the man who showed her what men were all about, the man she trusted to protect her and care for her like no other man in the world. She has been betrayed in the worst possible way, and has her whole world turned upside down.

It's not so easy to tell one's family after something like this happens. A famous actress just recently told that her famous musician father raped her and although it happened 30 years ago and he is dead now, many members of her family are angry at her and are claiming she is lying. And many people in the general public do not believe her. Your girl is probably very afraid that if she tells, her family will turn on her. Even if they do believe her, in many cases like this, the mother and siblings are still angry at the victim for telling, for "allowing" it to happen, and for destroying their nice comfortable happy family facade. Sometimes the mother even sees her own daughter as some sort of temptress "other woman." It's not nearly as black and white as just saying "hey everybody, guess what daddy to me? Let's throw the breadwinning backbone head of the family pillar of the community in jail and forget him and move on!"

I think it's possible this poor girl is in no shape to be trying to date anyone. She does need to confront her father, and tell her family, but she must do it in her own way and in her own time, and with support from people who truly, honestly care about HER, and I'm afraid to say, it just doesn't sound like you're one of these people. She was probably deathly afraid to tell you, fearing you would see her as "damaged goods" and not want to be with her anymore. Seems she would have been right. Not everyone worthwhile comes from a Leave It To Beaver kind of family. But that doesn't mean they aren't worthy of love and caring and a good life or that they don't have goodness and something worthwhile inside them. Just think about it for a while. Not only about what you want, but what and who you want to be to this girl. Do you want to be just another man who betrays and abandons her? Or do you want to be a man who cared about her? I'm not saying you HAVE to commit yourself to a long term relationship with her right now in order to be a "good guy." Of course not. But thinking about something other than how this affects YOU might be a nice place to start

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-03-2010 at 06:19 PM.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 08:41 PM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

I will admit, this post was extremely selfish. I am not this kind of person, and feel that this was just an attempt to let out my frustration. I jumped to conclusions too quickly, and would really like to thank many of you for waking me up about this. You have no idea how much hatred i have for this man already (and I have not even met him), and am still trying to find a way cool myself down.

I am meeting her soon enough (we are on vacation at our uni), and she does not want to talk about it until we are in person. I really do care about this girl, and feel incredibly cheap for even considering ending things with her based on this. I guess this news was just so shocking to me that i hadnt slowed my thoughts enough to think straight.

Kszan, you have nothing to back up that I am not the right guy to help her in this situation. Yes, we have not been dating so long, but i really do believe I am loving, supportive, and understanding. I know I can help her through this, and i know that i will.

I want to thank most of you for "waking me up" to what needs to happen next. I appreciate the bold posts, and I am approaching this situation in a completely different way than most of you probably think I am. This really is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with, and anything encouraging or constructive is welcomed.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 08:44 PM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

and another thing, what do you reccommend i urge her to do at this point? Tell any authorities? family members she is on the same level with (sister)? or to not urge to say anything because she is not comfortable with this? I really want her to be ok, and just have no experience in dealing with this.


Thanks

 
Old 01-03-2010, 09:08 PM   #10
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

Do not "urge" her to do anything! All you can do is be supportive. If you "urge" her to do something, she will feel as though you are pressuring her. She does not need you or anyone else pressuring her right now! All you can do is tell her that you care about her and you will support her in whatever she decides to do.

You're still coming across as somewhat self-centered too. You say this is the hardest thing you've ever had to deal with, but again, it didn't happen to you...it happened to HER. The sooner you stop seeing this as something that happened to you, the better friend you can be for her.
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Old 01-03-2010, 09:19 PM   #11
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Do not "urge" her to do anything! All you can do is be supportive. If you "urge" her to do something, she will feel as though you are pressuring her. She does not need you or anyone else pressuring her right now! All you can do is tell her that you care about her and you will support her in whatever she decides to do.

You're still coming across as somewhat self-centered too. You say this is the hardest thing you've ever had to deal with, but again, it didn't happen to you...it happened to HER. The sooner you stop seeing this as something that happened to you, the better friend you can be for her.
I completely understand, but the I write that it "is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with" because 1) it absolutely is, and 2) I am the one posting on this board, and I think that most of us can assume it is the hardest thing she has ever had to deal with.

Rape can cause a lot of emotional damage to people other than the victim, and im sure you are aware of that. I really couldnt do anything today. But i am going to stop asking for help for myself, and just focus on her.

Thanks for the advice.

 
Old 01-03-2010, 09:24 PM   #12
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

I am a survivor of abuse, and the last thing in the world I needed was someone pressuring me, or even suggesting that I "do something" about my abuser. I confided in my ex-husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, and he hugged me, said he loved me no matter what, and that I was the one he wanted to be with (our split had nothing to do with the abuse, incidentally). THAT was exactly the response I needed and believe me, it went a looong way toward healing. I told a friend that it meant so much to me that he didn't pressure me to do anything and didn't see me as "damaged goods", he just loved me. I hope this gives you some insight into this situation from the abuse victim's POV.
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Old 01-04-2010, 11:29 AM   #13
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
I am a survivor of abuse, and the last thing in the world I needed was someone pressuring me, or even suggesting that I "do something" about my abuser. I confided in my ex-husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, and he hugged me, said he loved me no matter what, and that I was the one he wanted to be with (our split had nothing to do with the abuse, incidentally). THAT was exactly the response I needed and believe me, it went a looong way toward healing. I told a friend that it meant so much to me that he didn't pressure me to do anything and didn't see me as "damaged goods", he just loved me. I hope this gives you some insight into this situation from the abuse victim's POV.
Ok thank you. This is exactly what i need, insight from somebody who has been through this before. I appreciate it.

 
Old 01-04-2010, 11:52 AM   #14
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

things like that come very once in a while... it is very hard to cope with but the only advice that i can give to you is to be tthere for her... not as her b.f all the time but as a friend as well... it will be hard on you but do not take it out on her, it was not her fault and remember that she trusted you enough to tell you... do not let her feel alone, show her that you are willing to be there to comfort and protect her... try to get her out of that place because if it happens once, it will happen again... best of luck...

 
Old 01-04-2010, 10:56 PM   #15
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Re: Girlfriend and Rape

this happened to me in July, and the guy I was dating not very seriously at the time dealt with it by screaming and acting angry and telling me "why haven't you gone to the police yet?" It made me feel pressured to do something i wasn't sure I was ready to do, but what upset me far more was the fact that he was acting like it was HIS problem - "Oh, I'm too upset to go to work today" and telling all his friends he was depressed but not really letting me talk about MY feelings on the issue. I would say the ideal way for someone to behave, and the way i would've wanted him to behave, is not even say much at all, just hug me, be there for me, and let me talk about it and sort through it. You don't need to say much or DO anything, except comfort her, not even necessarily with words. This guy i mention definitely did none of those things and it really bothered me and we split up not long after. I realize people deal with things in different ways and no one is perfect when it comes to stuff like this, but don't let your anger for the abuser leak out onto her.

 
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