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Old 01-07-2010, 11:39 AM   #1
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Faithful1 HB User
Passive-Aggressive

Does anyone live with a spouse or loved one who is passive-aggressive? My husband has it severely and I'm at the point where I have one foot out the door. From what I've discovered, my husband's is the most difficult to deal with because he is "Mr. Nice Guy". He's sweet and kind and seemingly wants to bend over backward for you, but then he will find ways to punish me for it later. When I confront him about his behavior he plays Mr. Innocent. I don't know what to do. It's been going on our whole marriage with me taking full responsibility thinking everything was my fault. But as of about a year ago I was finally able to put my finger on it. I didn't know all his behaviors had a name, I just thought he was insisting that he loved me when he really didn't. He would even punish me when I did something nice or if we had a great evening together. I don't want to leave him, I truly do love him, but it seems like I'm left with having to pick the lesser of the two evils between two bad decisions. He has come to the point where he sees that he is, in fact, passive-aggressive, and he acknowledges his behavior as wrong when I confront him, but it doesn't stop him from doing it again and again and again. I've done everything from being patient and exhibiting unconditional love to expressing outrage and anger. Nothing is working and I'm finding myself getting so depressed and even feel that sometimes I am now responding passive-aggressively because I know nothing I say or do is going to make any difference.

 
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:42 PM   #2
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IonRage HB User
Re: Passive-Aggressive

I recently came out of an 11 yr relationship with someone and thought he might be Passive Aggressive about 8 yrs ago. He had said he was labeled as ADD when he was a kid, and thought maybe that was it. (It still could be both). I revisited the idea of him being PA just today, because once again, he did something for me that I did not ask for, screwed it up, I got mad, and he blew a fit! Got all mad telling me "Fine! I wont' do anythign anymore for you, don't ask me for anything, don't ask me for help w/ the router," etc, etc,.. well, you guessed it, I NEVER ASKED FOR HELP W/ THE ROUTER! I told him before I moved out, I'll have to buy a router and HE SAID, "I'll give you one and set it up for you" Well I did, now he comes to get our son off the bus, I come home and he's screwing around w/ the settings!

If this doesn't desscribe passive aggressive I don't know what does. Of course, I brought it up to him ( I was mad of course), and he just says, (in IM, because he hung up on me during the previous convo) "That describes you to a tee, knock it off w/ the Dr. PHil sh*t" )

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DEALING W/ FOR 11 YEARS AND FOR SO LONG I thought it was ME! I now am totally convinced he is truly passive aggressive, and he ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO ACCEPT THAT anything is wrong w/ him. All I ever get from him is "Whatever" and "yeah right" and "STFU" or he says I only come up with this stuff because I read it in a book or see it on tv (aka Dr. Phil), like it just sounds "good" at the time. !! It's like I'm making this all up, and I'm attacking and persecuting him.

My main problem is, he finally ended it after 11 years. I always wanted to, because he refused to ever accept that anything is wrong w/ him. But I always held on, because 1-I didn't have the strength myself to do it, and 2-I thought if I hung around long enough I could "save" him.

Well, here I am.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

 
Old 08-14-2010, 08:49 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: USA
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8800GTS HB User
Re: Passive-Aggressive

Hey, good post about passive-aggressive behavior. I enjoyed reading your post, and I must say I am truly sorry that you have to put up with walking on so many egg-shells.

I'll tell you something, not once in the entire post, nor the reply from the second person was, "ASSERTIVENESS," mentioned... I find it odd, because assertiveness happens to be the middle ground of passive-aggressive behavior. I myself needed some help learning how to remain assertive, and in practising it - I learned that sometimes; it takes alittle bit of getting used to in order to follow through with it and make your life and the lives of loved ones better in the long run.

Anyway, I personally appreciate what you said at the end of your post, about how you ended up having to become passive - aggressive, in order to deal with your husband's passive-aggressive behaviors... I find it extremely interesting that you can admit to that, and I can say with personal experience that I've had to do the same thing in some of my relationships. The important thing is - that you recognize when you do this. IT IS; a CLEAR indication, that when YOU have to become passive in a relationship - that you do so because it is NOT safe to be otherwise... Which should give you an obvious insight into the relationship in which you're trying to, "SAVE," that it is NOT worth it. You must learn to accept that some people are truly not good for you. I know the whole bit about feeling like you can save someone, like you can help them come to terms with their issues, but trust me - if they're in so much denial that they can't even accept nor acknowledge their own issues at the cost of your own reputation and well-being; it only puts you into a more unsuitable place in the food chain.

So basically, my advice (Of course it should be taken lightly because this is an online forum) is to learn to assert yourself; even if and when it makes you feel guilty, or pushes people away for which you've previously had no choice but to walk on egg shells and remain in passive communication in order to maintain the relationship. The truth is, you're continuing to allow the other person to act the same way whenever you choose not to assert yourself. I know it sounds rediculous... But trust me. If you were to assert yourself, it COULD change things dramatically. For one, "You can't help the problem if you don't know what it is." And already you've mentioned that your boyfriends / husbands are in such denial of ever doing anything wrong - that it would make sense that they believe things are all good and dandy except for minor arguments and setbacks... What you need to do is assert yourself and tell them how you feel, how they make you feel, and how you need things to change in order for any kind of future relationship to exist... If they cannot accept that, or throw things in your face, then I am sorry; BUT - the relationship is NOT worth putting up with at the expense of your own well-being.

The trick is, to remain assertive. And then people will stop walking all over you. Some people think that being assertive is a mean thing to do - but honestly; it is not. The more you do it, the more you'll see the positive benefits BOTH for yourself and the other people in the relationship for which you've felt the need to assert yourself in the first place.

If you continue to remain passive in ANY relationship when you feel completely disrespected and unappreciated - you WILL become resentful. This is part of the many unfortunate problems that arise with poor communication skills and attachments. Set some boundaries with people, let them know where things stand. Let them know where they sit in your life - if they tick you off, if they make you happy, if they occasionally say or do things that make it hard to maintain the relationship... You'll find it goes a long way when you let them know if and when there are problems. If you continue to hold it all in and put up with it - you'll grow increasingly resentful and eventually will start to mirror that towards them in subconscious ways - WHICH - they'll become so completely confused about. The important insight to recall when in any relationship IS - that all people do things that they are NOT always aware of. Humans make many mistakes, and usually it takes an assertive, honest and compassionate individual to make mention of these issues for which they expell onto others - for it to ever be acknowledged and worked out, dealt with and made to disappear. All-in-all; you can at least expect that they do work things out, and thank you for being honest. If they get mad and don't want anything to do with you - then they were simply not meant for you.

Thanks,
8800gts

Last edited by 8800GTS; 08-14-2010 at 09:01 AM.

 
Old 09-24-2010, 05:31 AM   #4
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IonRage HB User
Re: Passive-Aggressive

Quote:
Originally Posted by 8800GTS View Post
Hey, good post about passive-aggressive behavior. I enjoyed reading your post, and I must say I am truly sorry that you have to put up with walking on so many egg-shells.

I'll tell you something, not once in the entire post, nor the reply from the second person was, "ASSERTIVENESS," mentioned...................
Thanks,
8800gts
I don't have time right now to go into a longer post, but will elaborate more later on, but I do want to say that I agree with your take on being assertive. I think others were just didn't know the right word to use. In my case I WAS assertive and for the last 2-3 years, too. THAT'S why he broke it off. I was beating him at his own game and he didn't like it. As soon as I really paid attention to every word/sentence/action he did/said, and I learned his patterns, I was able to counteract them. I would ask him to do something, then I'd do it anyway. I would ask him to pick me up somewhere, then I'd make arrangements for someone else to pick me up. I'd tell him our son had a function at school, so my son and I would leave early to walk to the school, knowing full well he'd "forget" about it. I kept up the "our" part of the relationship "out loud", but inside I was single. I had no choice because relying on him for ANYTHING was NOT an option any longer. And in most cases it wasn't even reliance. It was a simple, "Can you pick up milk from the store?" type stuff.

My feeling is, he didn't like that I didn't "need" him anymore (and he couldn't throw me around like a rag doll anymore--emotionally..NOT physically, lol) and it was no longer fun for him and ended it.

But I know he doesn't need me anymore. Since I"ve moved out, he's gotten:

A Dog
iPhone 4 (to replace the iPhone 3 he bought last year)
iPad
Ford Excursion
2 large screen televisions
A $600 Nikon camera
Flat screen monitors for the computers
A Netbook
(and gosh knows what else)

Yup, he's happy. (I once asked him if the camera was good in bed ! hahaha)

And to think, he had it all with me..........

Last edited by IonRage; 09-24-2010 at 05:36 AM.

 
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