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Please help me to help my mom... I am 43!

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Old 03-09-2010, 06:35 AM   #1
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Red face Please help me to help my mom... I am 43!

Hi all, I am usually on the anxiety board or depression.......due to many stressful events. This will be long, so please read and help me....please ......I am begging.

My mother is 77 years old, and taking care of my brother whom is 46.......she refuses to put him in a group home........however he has been acting up in many ways and know's how to play my mother.

He has always been babied, which does NOT make matters any better. My mom "MIGHT" be in early stages of dementia, we will find out tomorrow when I go with her to her Neurologist. Shes is worried to death, and so are her children. ( I LOVE MY MOTHER TO DEATH) however she get's mad when I talk to her about my brother. He is draining her out and she does not need, I can't stand to be around my brother.......and yes, he know's I CAN see right through him............

I have a sister, handicapped brother whom has become very very rude and disrespectful to my mother, and a older brother whom lives out of town, and says my brother will get what is coming to him.............."WHAT about our mother.........??????

My brother refuses to work.......many places for a handicapped to work, he work for one place and got himself into trouble by calling people retarded or he would just leave the building and walk home..........lazy and very rude.

Now he is getting to where HE tell my mother he does not need his medication, and gets very hateful to the point it scares me........something is going to happen .........with his mouth.

My mom does not deserve this, he has gotten into trouble and the police have brought him home for hollering at girls, women, and yes he know's better, but he is going to get in major trouble.

He looks normal to a point however he is not right, and my mother has never told me what he is diagnosed with? She hides things from me, and I have found out stuff through my sister..........what a shame.

I love my mom and what time she has on earth but don't know what to do or how to approch these issues.............this is her baby, and get's upset with me when I tell here that I think it is time for him to be put in a group home.

He is going to get himself in bad trouble, and he thinks he rules the home of my mother whom is trying to care for him.

I think It is slowing killing her..........and she does not know what to do......It is not all about my brother anymore, I love my mom and want to help her.

I am sorry so long, but had to get this off my chest. My older brother just say's well if he get's into trouble.........he deserves it......easy said brother, you are the laid back one, I want to care for my mom as long as I can.

Please is not that I hate my brother, I just don't like seeing what it is doing to my mother............

Thank you for any advise....and say a prayer that mom DOES NOT HAVE early dementia.............I can help here with depression, but not this.......Please advise.

PS. My loving father my best friend is deceased and poor mom needs help.....

Thank you in advance.........from a loving daughter!

I just need to hear from someone.......It hurts me to see my mom this way.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-26-2011 at 11:29 AM.

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Old 03-09-2010, 10:26 AM   #2
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Re: Please help me help my mom........I am 43!

You're obviously dealing with a lot of issues and stress. It's understandable that you would feel so overwhelmed with your mom's health issues and your brother having such challenging behavior. A person refusing to take medication is a huge obstacle especially if that person has mental health problems. I don't know much about the 'baker act' but that it's to try to get someone mandated into psychiatric treatment if that person is a danger to him or herself or others and/or is incompetent to decide for him or herself. The local municipal building may have more information about that.

Perhaps the 'county board of social services' can also provide some advice and resources about your situation including your brother's apparent emotional abusiveness with your mother (if that's the case) and the health issues that your mom is experiencing. I certainly will say a prayer for your mom and for you as well. Please do talk with a licensed professional about this too for further recommendations.

Last edited by kind1; 03-09-2010 at 10:27 AM.

Old 03-09-2010, 11:59 AM   #3
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Re: Please help me help my mom........I am 43!

God bless you............ I need help me help her............I love my brother when he is good, he is a angel, However when he is mean, he is the devil, I don't want my mom to suffer, she hides everything, and it is building up, I can tell.

Old 03-09-2010, 12:23 PM   #4
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Re: Please help me help my mom........I am 43!

It sounds like your mother has chosen to make caring for her adult son her mission in life. My mother has done the same thing with my 53 year old sister. She is living with my parents right now. It is not good for my mother, but it is her choice. I have done everything I can to be there for my mother, but she has not, and will not change her mind. Discussing it get no where, and I have given up. At some point we have to accept our parents decisions, even when they don't seem like the best to us. I love my parents but I respect their decisions. I have gotten elder abuse involved and all it did was embarrass my parents, bacause they would not admit it to the worker.

Hang in must protect your own health to be the best daughter that you can be.

Old 03-09-2010, 12:53 PM   #5
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Re: Please help me help my mom........I am 43!

God bless, thank you so very much..............We find out tomorrow the 10th what is wrong with her.........dementia, depression..............gosh I just don't know.

Old 04-01-2011, 11:00 AM   #6
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Re: Please help me help my mom........I am 43!

oki. I know exactly what you are going through, i have seen the same thing played again and again all around me, but thank God not in my own life!! Everyone is dealt a different hand in life right? My mother past away many years ago at a very young age, and you are very blessed to have your mother, i dont want you to have any regrets when that time is over. And it will be over soon, because life is SO short and we only think it is long, until it is over.

I am a very God loving, spiritual person that does not belong to any religious dogma. ~ Only God ~ and I will give you an answer that comes from the Higher-self or God. This is the part of you that wants you to give up your own ideas/selfishness and wishes for the higher purpose not your own desires. The higher purpose which is love; and only love. The lower-Self or Ego believes we always know what is best for others, when we don't even know what is best for ourselves half the time. The Lower-self will tell others the best thing to do, but others usually rebel against the lowerself telling us what they think is best. Because only God knows what is best. Parents are usually the most guilty of practicing the lower-self on their children, telling their children what is best for them, and not allowing their children to make their own choices, so they begin to rebel against the parent. How can a parent tell a child what his or her life purpose is? we cannot play god, because only God knows what is best for each of us, and we are all so very different. There is alot more going on then just getting the best job, and buying the best new toys.

You love your mother so much! and you love your brother, you just dont love the way he is acting. but he is only "acting" it is not his true self. But you still love him and you love your mother even more! Because she is not acting. and that is what makes True and Real LOVE. That love is something you dont want to lose, trust me... i have... and you will.... but you dont want to go with any regrets.

You brother is acting child like, because he is a child!!! a child of God, we were once created perfect by God to live forever, but we choose death because we poison our bodies, God did not force us to do what he wanted, he gave us choice, and its our life, we chose to live with toxins, and poisons, pollution's, agriculture, and the industrial revolution... ect... This has been going on for thousands of years, this age is nothing new!! and now, only 43 years makes you a child as-well compared to 600 years right? and 600 makes you a child compared to 2000 right?.. and 2000 compared to forever.... SO we are all children taking care of children in a sense, it is insanity to think we know what is best for others when we first cannot choose the right actions ourselves, so again.. no one is perfect, they may "act" like adults.. but it is only acting, the inner child is still in everyone!

You need to practice more love for your mother; and move in with your mother to help her, if you cant move in with your mother, then move closer to her and visit her everyday, as she helps your brother out everyday. When she gets up to make breakfast for you brother in the morning you can offer to make it instead. You are not doing this for your brother, you are doing this for your mother. Because she spent half her life taking care of you, and now you are old enough to take care of her. We _SHOULD_ be taking care of each-other, unfortunately some of us are still too young to understand this concept. It shouldn't be only one way, for example: you were cared for by your mother for many years, then you moved on and left the one who cared for you behind. Or...(like your brother) you are still cared for until she cannot give anymore, and as the stress builds up in her body, the hormones slowly destroy it causing degeneration, until she finally gets eternal rest.

I hope i do not sound too negative to you, but the fact is, you are in hell, and that is what is causing your stress. You have the ability to change that, when your mother finally leaves this planet, your brother will have to learn to take care of himself, you do not have to take care of him! If your mothers dying words are "please take care of your brother for me." you can say "i will only do so, if he also takes care of me." Because you must understand that he is an adult, and love goes both ways. You do not have to set expectations that are too high for him.

but right now, he does not understand the concept of this love, and the only thing you can do is practice it in order to teach him, and watch it manifest in the hearts of everyone around you. You can teach him with your words and your actions, but NOT only your words.. because words mean nothing with out the actions. For example: you tell your mother you will make your brother breakfast today and you go into the kitchen and make it then your brother comes up into the kitchen to grab a beer and you say "i am not making this breakfast for you, because you can do it yourself.. i am doing this for my mother.. because she made my breakfast for so many years."

and that is the love i am talking about.
i hope that this helps you dig your way out of the pit that has been created around your family.

God bless you and your family many times over.

Old 04-01-2011, 11:29 AM   #7
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Re: Please help me help my mom........I am 43!

himmylover - Hopefully, you've found out what is going on with your mother. For more information about alzheimer's and perhaps other types of dementias, the "alzheimer's association" should have more info and a helpline to call. For more info re: depression, the "depression and bipolar support alliance" has more information. The "national alliance on mental illness" may have a local support group or workshop for the families and friends of someone with a mental health problem.

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