ive searched all over for some type of support or advice. this will probably be a long post so i apologize in advance.
ive been with my wife since 2002, ive always known she was bipolar, it runs in her moms side of the family. her mom and grandpa were bipolar too. ive had such a rough time with her over the years but also alot of good times as well. the past few years have been really tough for me to deal with her. she has soo many peT peeves and is soo frugal with money it's not even funny. she always has to have a certain amount saved or she will loose it mentally and go into a depression for days on end. i mean if you whistle, chew your food a certain way she blows up into a rage and will even do it right in public.
it got soo bad with her back in 2006 that i split up with her and dated for awhile. but in the end i missed her and we ended up back together and married with two kids. shes very tense at times with the kids too although she is still a great mother to them. i do fear sometimes one of my girls will inherit this monster from their mom though. i hate to see her suffer like this. she shuts me out soo much and always is sleeping or depressed. if i try to talk to her about it, she never wants to talk unless she brings it up which is seldom.
shes unmedicated and not seeing a therapist. we do not have insurance and we cannot afford it even though we do both work. shes afraid to buy a car when we need one, shes afraid to move even though the area we live is rough. it even took me everything i had to cancel our sprint account and move to another carrier even though in the end she admitted i was right. she has sorta took over paying the bills and im soo sick of never being able to make any money decisions with her unless i just go out and buy what i need.
just like last night she blew up in a restaurant about just talking about moving and even today shes depressed and was crying. i just do not know what to do with her anymore. she needs help and i do not know how to help her? she used to drink alot to ease the pain but has been sober for over 6 months now. i do not think she ever cheated on me but once in awhile it did cross my mind when she used to hang out at a bar with her friends all the time after work. i love her and i know she loves me but sometimes it doesn't show when she walks around in a haze all the time. then she will just snap out of it for a few weeks. shes compulsive cleans and no matter what i do isn't good enough for her standards. to the point we fight about it.
you see im very vocal and while i feel for her i fight back and try to put her back into her place, especially when i know shes wrong and it's the bipolar talking. about once a year something little will set her off into a rage and we will get into actual physical fights where i have had to defend myself. she has a horrid explosive temper sometimes. ive even seen her throw an adult temper tantrum. i don't tolerate that from my kids and i won't from her either.
she needs help and so do i. i do not want a divorce nor to be without her. i just feel like there is this wall between us and i cannot tear it down. what should i do guys? how can i get her help when she does not want it and when we cannot afford it?
It sounds like you're walking on eggshells. Perhaps the only consolation is; you're not alone. Many people living with a mentally ill spouse take the same careful walk everyday.
I've always wondered how much we should expect a depressed person's behavior to be under their control. My personal inkling is: more than they admit. But whatever the case, the fact that apparently in your relationship, you can't spend money, talk about certain subjects, whistle or even chew in certain ways. It must be incredibly stressful. I wish you the best.
As far as encouragement? Again, it's tough. Your wife is un-medicated and not seeing a therapist. You're also feeling financial stress because of the insurance situation. At this point, perhaps the best you can do is hang on. Things can change. And remember that it's ok for you to set boundaries. You're not obligated to tolerate outrageous behavior, and it's even ok to remove yourself from the situation, at least to re-group and catch your breath.
Maybe Breezin' will check the boards and weigh in, he's a lot better at encouragement than I am! I find myself inevitably taking a long, hard look at the reality of a situation, and it isn't always pretty.
But it can change! Hang in there.
Okay whether you have insurance or not there are resources available, all you have to do is look. Call Department of Social Services in the County you live in and ask them to give you info. on free or low income mental services. The only way that your life and your wife are going to get stable is if she gets with a pdoc (psychiatrist) ASAP and get on meds to help her be stable. This is not a "well, we'll see, maybe it's something we'll check in to", this is a DO IT TOMORROW. The yelling at her trying to put her "bi polar" self back in its place...it's an impossible situation, and the physical violence between you, is that what you want your children growing up seeing?
The answer is basic a BiPolar person of the magnitude that you describe your wife, has to be in treatment, has to be, they cannot do life on their own without it.
I'm not just a person telling you all this stuff..I was dx'd BiPolar 23 years ago, I've been in and out of hospitals, on just about every med there is, done ECT, been through pdocs' and tdocs'. And if it weren't for my current docs who I've had for the last 6 yrs. I'd be dead.
Please look into getting your wife some help as soon as tomorrow.
I'm new to this board too. You're wife sounds alot like my husband and I am taking so much relief hearing from other people with my situation. It's alot like group therapy isn't it? Okay, so my husband has been on zoloft for years but the last couple of years it hasn't been enough and his doc is now trying to find him the right fit. Let me give you a shred of hope. My H is not working and we don't have insurance but my regular family doctor informed me that my community has a Community Mental Health department, and if you don't have insurance, the county pays for it. There he sees not just a therapist but after several months of seeing her (she had to make sure that he was not just in for a free prescription) and going to group and one on one sessions, she referred him to the psychiatrist who is able to prescribe him meds. Now we are still in the process of all this and I'll tell you it's a long road but at least it feels proactive and that's a start. So call your doctor or a local medical center and ask if your community has something like this cuz my H's been going there since January and it hasn't cost us a thing. I hope to hear from you soon. Please hang it there. I doubt she enjoys feeling this way but I know first hand how hard it is.