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Old 07-08-2011, 10:43 AM   #1
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Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

I have been in a 'relationship' with an AS boyfriend for two years. As far as I know he has never been diagnosed but once I recognized similarities in his behavior to AS I did approach him with it and as with everything else he just shut down and couldn't even discuss it. I have been reading online what As partners have been going through and really relate. We only could go out with certain female friends of his, where he acts happy and outgoing, but when ever we went out alone he acted distant and would never talk to me, but constantly emailed or text others on his iphone. I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me because of his lack of interest, but he would always claim to want to be with me. He would send me the most beautiful cards at valentines and birthdays that would make you want to cry. but he never showed me those same feelings by actions or words. When we went to social gatherings where I didn't know anyone he would dissapear and leave me alone. If i asked him about it he would get angry and clam up. I also found him to be passive aggressive. Once while driving very fast on a windy road I asked him to slow down and he purposely sped up faster! He also is always talking about getting guns, which i wondered if he was being paranoid as if someone were after him and he needed protection. I finally broke up with him 3 weeks ago, but still cry every day. It's so hurtful, because he is just going along with his normal routine and has no idea how I'm suffering. I did try to tell him, but he just seems to be relieved. He has been married twice and was in two other relationships before me. I guess the closure I want is for him to apologize to me and at least feel bad for the pain i'm going through although I know that is too hard for him too do or understand. Thanks for listening. it helps to write it down.

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:36 PM   #2
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

hi honey, i suffer asperger syndrome to, but people have different symptoms and affects. I can understand from your side but also see it from his. I am sorry for you deeply. you should understand that most people with AS lack feelings, or understanding of feelings. i am told i am very rude sometimes allthough i do not understand how i was rude etc. when i get angry i tend to go... as most people would say, over the top and childish, but that is just me. AS is a form of autism, and people with autism do get very angry very easily, or cry alot through confusion, and lack of social skills. i try to fit in socialy but have no friends as it is easier that way for me. i have had boyfriends but they do not last, either because i feel uncomfortable, or because they do not understand me and break up with me. You should understand that he probabley dosn't understand how you feel, and the only way he would is if you told him...calmy...like you would a child... for him i suspect..that if his gets angry or walks out...that is his way of feeling bad, or sorry. It maybe that he feels safer alone like i do. It maybe he wants a girlfriend but every time he tries it scares him or make him feel uncomfortable, not because you make him feel uncomfortable, but becasue of the AS. He may be fighting with himself, wondering why every one eles has a girlfriend but he dosn't, that is how i feel sometimes, i wonder why im different and why i do not fit in, this makes me angry and depressed. i have my own routine alone and can do what i want. if this guy wasn't for you then i am sure in time you will find someone new. if you are are really upset maybe youstill have feelings for him. try to understand autsim and AS, then you will understand him better, but like i said AS affects every one different. I hope this has helped you, and i hope you find peace. x

 
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Old 07-11-2011, 02:26 AM   #3
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Stacey's post was very insightful and she described her situation so clearly. Thank you to Stacey for helping us understand some of what those suffering with AS go through. With her help we can understand some of the many possibilities of his reasons for his lack or reaction to your break up. You really don't know exactly what his feelings are, and he might not have the words to tell you.

Since you broke up with him, it would seem that his feelings would be the ones that are hurt the most. You mention wanting an apology from him, but for what? It sounds as if you had good reasons to break it off, after all the incidents socially and his tendency to leave you alone or ignore you. I am not sure if I understand what you want him to do...

Do you want to know that he is feeling just as badly as you are? It is possible as Stacey mentioned that being in a relationship is very uncomfortable for him, not because he didn't care for you, but that it was just too much to handle for him emotionally. Is there a chance you could become friends in time? Is that something you would want? Have you had any contact with him since the breakup? Do you want to?

We all handle things so differently, with or without Asbergers. Breaking up any relationship is usually hard on both parties, no matter who is doing the breaking up, or what the reasons are. Once we have feelings for someone, it is never easy to just let those go. I encourage you to get yourself out, and doing things with friends you may have had to distance yourself from before, or trying new things alone. Anything to keep your mind busy and yourself active and happy. You mention that his parents were not that happy with you, how about your parents? Have you had to distance yourself from them while you were dating this guy? If so, time to spend some time with them, or any others that you have had to put aside.

Your concerns about his new interest in guns and his passive aggressive behavior are real things that warrant your action. It seems you have been very understanding with him, but these things are red flags that you are smart to act on. I know you are having a rough time, but in time, you will feel much better, I promise.

I hope these words of encouragement help a little. Feel free to write back.

Janet

 
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:58 PM   #4
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Yes, I really had deep feelings for him and tried to be ever so kind whenever I approached him about anything personal or social. However, I just couldn't seem to find the correct way to communicate with him. I tried emailing or on the phone or in person, none of which worked. I do appreciate all you said and will try to move on because the more I fell in love with him, the more painful the relationship became. Thank you so much for all of your helpful thoughts and advice.

 
Old 07-11-2011, 05:06 PM   #5
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

I guess what I wanted was for him to call me up and say that he doesn't want us to break up and he will go to counseling and try to get help for our relationship. But, he has not called and I doubt he will. I'm really trying to move on with my life, but it's all of the mixed messages I received, especially the beautiful cards he sent me that said how I was the most special person in the world to him and how much he loved me. (the card's words not his written words.) now i wonder if those cards were just a sham and did he really mean what they said, because if you truely do love someone, why not be honest and say you have issues and we could work together on them. but, as I said before if I wrote that in an email to him, he would never answer it. Thank you also for your very kind advice and understanding. If I hadn't fallen in love with him it would be easier to break things off. I called him once and it didn't go well, and haven't heard from him since. but, i will try to move on...thanks again for listening. it really helped.

 
Old 07-12-2011, 03:24 PM   #6
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Heartbroken,

I can understand how you would want him to get some response from his after the breakup, but we must be very careful not to assume anything from his lack of action. Especially the fact that he loved you, and that this breakup did not hurt. It is more likely that his ability to share those feelings are not enough to do so. AS can really make these types of things practically impossible for him to do. Please do not mistake this for anything less about yourself, as you have mentioned, you were as sympathetic and kind as you could have been, and I believe that.

Where other men may have been better able to express themselves in a way we are used to, that fact that he could not do so only speaks to his condition, and not his love for you. We all want a special connection with another, and some of us are less able to carry that out than others. That is just the nature of things, and does not reflect anything badly about you.

I would accept that this did not work out, as much as you wanted it to, but you still have all the loving feelings and the kind heart to share with another person. Nothing can take those away from you.

Wishing you the best...Janet

 
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Old 12-16-2011, 02:24 AM   #7
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbroken49 View Post
I have been in a 'relationship' with an AS boyfriend for two years. As far as I know he has never been diagnosed but once I recognized similarities in his behavior to AS I did approach him with it and as with everything else he just shut down and couldn't even discuss it. I have been reading online what As partners have been going through and really relate. We only could go out with certain female friends of his, where he acts happy and outgoing, but when ever we went out alone he acted distant and would never talk to me, but constantly emailed or text others on his iphone. I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me because of his lack of interest, but he would always claim to want to be with me. He would send me the most beautiful cards at valentines and birthdays that would make you want to cry. but he never showed me those same feelings by actions or words. When we went to social gatherings where I didn't know anyone he would dissapear and leave me alone. If i asked him about it he would get angry and clam up. I also found him to be passive aggressive. Once while driving very fast on a windy road I asked him to slow down and he purposely sped up faster! He also is always talking about getting guns, which i wondered if he was being paranoid as if someone were after him and he needed protection. I finally broke up with him 3 weeks ago, but still cry every day. It's so hurtful, because he is just going along with his normal routine and has no idea how I'm suffering. I did try to tell him, but he just seems to be relieved. He has been married twice and was in two other relationships before me. I guess the closure I want is for him to apologize to me and at least feel bad for the pain i'm going through although I know that is too hard for him too do or understand. Thanks for listening. it helps to write it down.
Hi Heartbroken,

I just happened to see your post now. I am registered here but haven't been around for a while.

Your story reminds me so much of mine, especially when you said he used to take you to gatherings with strange people and he would ignore you and disappear. Mine did exactly the same. I felt I had to write to you to see if we could discuss further.

I was in a relationship with someone I met online. He was gentle and sweet and after 4 months he came to meet me. I am from Europe, he is from Australia. After meeting he asked me to move to Aus with him. He always told me he wanted so much a relationship that would lead to marriage and have a family. I moved to Aus leaving my life behind and from the second day I started to see very weird things in his behaviour. I spent 5 months in Aus. I became so depressed, lonely, frustrated......I was getting weaker and weaker and I had no one there........

I don't want to describe the full story as you may not read this after all. We used to go always with people. It felt he didn't want to spend time with me alone. I was new in the country and knew no one and every time we met people he would disappear and leave me alone talking to strangers.......

I wonder how you are doing and how everything developed for you.

I am out of the "relationship" since last April. He came to Europe with me, after living in Aus for 5 months together and he stayed for 3 weeks. During the 3 weeks he drove me crazy saying he didn't know what to do. At the end he left and told me that he loved me and that we would be together again in a couple of weeks. He said he could see a future for us together. 3 days after he arrived back in Aus he wouldn't want to talk to me, he wouldn't reply to sms or emails and finally he sent one short email one day saying we were two different individuals with different expectations and backgrounds. He said he was feeling bad that I was suffering and that was it. I never heard from him again.

I would like to discuss more things with you as your story seems similar to mine.

Thanks,

Bluesea

 
Old 12-16-2011, 07:50 AM   #8
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Dear Bluesea, Thank you for replying to my post. It has been 6 mos. since I have broken off the relationship. Overall I believe I have moved on and am doing well. I went to a counselor who knows me well and believes I did the right thing in breaking off the relationship. The love and emotional intimacy that I want and have to give would never have been reciprocated.

A few months after we broke up a friend and I were visiting an art festival in another town, and he was there holding hands with a new lady friend. That really through me for a loop because he always told me he wasn't interested in anyone else...so I did have a little set back, but am over that now.

I have learned that it is best to be alone than to be in a wrong relationship where one might feel even more alone.

I can't imagine the stress of going through this in another country without any friends for support. Now that you are back home in your own country, how are you doing? Are your friends and family supportive of you?

Feel free to write again and I hope you are doing well.

 
Old 12-16-2011, 08:17 AM   #9
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Thanks for your reply Heartbroken,

I thought you wouldn't probably be checking the forum since it happened to you a while back. I am still going through a rough time. There was no closure. He didn't explain. All he said is that he loved me and would be together again soon when he came to drop me back in Europe.

I wanted so much to be with him even though he had treated me so badly back in Aus. But after telling me we would be back together he just said that we are different individuals and with different expecations.

While with him, I never suspected anything. I think the fact of being isolated with him in Aus and with his mother, whom he called all the time to deal with the problems he couldn't deal by himself, just kept me blind. When I separated from him, it is when I started to suspect there was something not normal in there. I thought initially, that he could have Schizoid Personality Disorder and later on I was more convinced he is AS. I don't really know as we never discussed it.

Not so long ago I was chatting to him (in writing) and I told him that I do believe he has AS. He said: "if I have AS, as you think I do, how is that my fault?". Then he went on to say: "You should have been perceptive enough and seen that I couldn't have a relationship and you should have backed away quietly". I travel the world to be with him and he expected me to see what he couldn't do and just leave without bothering him????. I said to him that at least he could have told me that beforehand so that I wouldn't have moved to his country. His answer to that: "people with AS are not aware of their particular problem". The conversation wasn't going anywhere, as usual, so I left it.

While i was with him in Aus, he would also be in contact with other women and he hadn't even told them he was living with me and that I was his partner. He also left me alone with strangers, same as you, when we went to gatherings and he used to disappear. Once I attempted to kiss him on the cheek and he told me: "No, you are very demading". I was so shocked. There was so much that I could write a book. He would wear the same clothes, eat the same food all the time. I asked him to take me to see Opera House (5 stops by train from his house) and he said that I could see in on tv. After 2 months he finally took me. When he came to my country for 3 weeks I saw him so much, I organised hotels, places to go to and I didn't even know him. Then when I was there he did this to me.

He told me one day: "I could smash your bones and body" and on Valentine's Day he got really angry and hurt my arm. I had bruises on it. He didn't talk to me all day and at the end of the day he gave me a card where he wrote: "You are special although I don't always show it". He also talked all the time about one time when he went to India and he got a cab. The driver wanted to charge a bit more money for air conditioning and my ex asked him to turn it off. The driver didn't turn it off (but it wasn't such a big deal). My ex would always tell people and myself how he could have killed the driver.

Thanks for writing heartbroken. You are lucky to be out of it and recovered. For some reason I can't get over it. Even though he treated me so badly I am still suffering so much.

Bluesea

 
Old 12-16-2011, 08:40 AM   #10
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

He used to take Paracetamol every day but he never told me why. He also had antidepresants and took them on and off. He said embarrasing things in front of people. He is a doctor and in front of me and friends he said in a couple of ocassions that he prefers to see young shaved girls while at work rather than old fat men. I was so shocked and embarrased to hear him saying that.....one time when we went back home I said to him that it was unacceptable such comments and he didn't even seem to remember. He quickly sms his friend to apologise....

The second day after landing in Aus he told me that he should have tried the relationship with his ex harder. I think he was obsessed with that girl. She had finished it off a few years back and she had also been with him in Australia for 3 months (she was from a different country) and she ended up in a mental hospital after returning to her country.

I never understood why he asked me to move there with him. He had told me he could see a future together. He said he could see me as the mother of his children. He said I was the most promising woman he had been with, etc....then I moved to Aus and he did all what he did to me. Why??? If he didn't want it, it was easy for him to not have asked me to move. He had an easy way out as he first came to Europe to visit me, then he returned to Aus and then he asked me to go there.

He brought me back here and the last week he used to cry every night like a child saying he didnt' want to leave. I told him that it was his decision to bring me back and why he cried now. For a whole week he would wake up in the night and cry. Then he left saying he loved me and I would be back in Aus with him again soon. But after a few days he didn't reply to calls, sms or anything. He told me: "it is like Christmas cards, just because someone sends you one it doesn't mean you have to reply". I was destroyed, no one has ever hurt me so badly and I am still suffering and I dont even know why.

Sorry for these long posts......I can see you knew your boyfriend had AS. Did he tell you? In my case I don't even know what he has. I always thought that if at least I knew what he has it would make it easier for me to deal with but I am in the dark.

Bluesea

 
Old 12-20-2011, 04:47 PM   #11
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

It sounds like you would not be happy with this man no matter what his condition would turn out to be. I know it is very very difficult to move on, but you must think of yourself and your own happiness. My counselor told me to quit trying to figure him out...I never would have been able to do it...I'm not saying I never have bad days, but with time it does get easier to move on.

Do you have any friends or professionals who can help support you in what you are going through? I couldn't have moved on without the help of friends and my counselor.

All my best to you. Hang in there...

 
Old 01-03-2012, 11:25 AM   #12
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Geesh, I know this happened in July, but my story is so similar I have been dating a guy with the same issues. He is also undiagnosed. What's amazing is that lately he's been talking about having to keep guns and swords in the house and even mention of two bodyguards to protect him from some people that may be after him! To the best of my knowledge, no ones after him and there's no bodyguards. But I have seen a gun and swords. I'm beginning to think he's paranoid. I really care for him, but I think I've had enough of the bizarre behavior and the. these fairytales. Hopefully, you are over this man but I agree it hurts like h.e.l.l. Good Luck!

 
Old 01-04-2012, 01:43 AM   #13
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Hi Alovelyday,

Thanks for your reply. Well, I am not sure if you have read the whole story. He left in April and he said he loved me and we would be together again in a couple of weeks, etc....then, 3 days after he arrived back in his country he wouldn't even reply to my sms. He literally told me that it was like xmas cards, "the fact that someone sends you one doesn't mean you have to reply". So he meant he didn't have to reply to my sms. He was so nasty with me

Him is sort of forgotten, I think, but the huge problem I am dealing with now is the consequences of what he did. That is not going away. I fel humiliated, lied to, abused. I moved to the other side of the world to be with him. He had told me he could see a future for us together and that he could even see me as the mother of his children. He also said I was the most promising woman he had been with. Not so long back he said: "you should have been perceptive enough to realise that I was not capable to have a relationship and you should have back away quietly". I couldn't believe my eyes. I moved across the world to be with him as he had told me he wanted a future with me. Then I go there and I am told this cruel and disgusting thing....

I am not sure how your story relates to mine. Mine didn't talk about guns or didn't suspect anyone was after him....Please, feel free to write and tell me your story if you like.

I am not over this and I fear as the time goes by and I don't seem to get better.

Bluesea

 
Old 07-03-2012, 03:05 PM   #14
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Re: Need Support in Breaking off relationship with AS boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heartbroken49 View Post
I have been in a 'relationship' with an AS boyfriend for two years. As far as I know he has never been diagnosed but once I recognized similarities in his behavior to AS I did approach him with it and as with everything else he just shut down and couldn't even discuss it. I have been reading online what As partners have been going through and really relate. We only could go out with certain female friends of his, where he acts happy and outgoing, but when ever we went out alone he acted distant and would never talk to me, but constantly emailed or text others on his iphone. I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me because of his lack of interest, but he would always claim to want to be with me. He would send me the most beautiful cards at valentines and birthdays that would make you want to cry. but he never showed me those same feelings by actions or words. When we went to social gatherings where I didn't know anyone he would dissapear and leave me alone. If i asked him about it he would get angry and clam up. I also found him to be passive aggressive. Once while driving very fast on a windy road I asked him to slow down and he purposely sped up faster! He also is always talking about getting guns, which i wondered if he was being paranoid as if someone were after him and he needed protection. I finally broke up with him 3 weeks ago, but still cry every day. It's so hurtful, because he is just going along with his normal routine and has no idea how I'm suffering. I did try to tell him, but he just seems to be relieved. He has been married twice and was in two other relationships before me. I guess the closure I want is for him to apologize to me and at least feel bad for the pain i'm going through although I know that is too hard for him too do or understand. Thanks for listening. it helps to write it down.
I so relate to this.I was with my boyfriend for 10 months before I started to think there was something very wrong.From being swept off of my feet in the beginning,it went to me always making the effort to see him,slowly going down in the list of his priorites,he bacame distant,set in his ways and routine,obssessed with football....I assumed we were coming to an end and asked if he still loved me and he kept saying 'you should just know how I feel?' but his behaviour didnt reflect this at all.It was so confusing.I hadnt heard of aspergers before.It took me pulling my hair out,thinking I was going mad,crying,depression,anger,constantly trying to communicate and getting nowhere for a couple of years,desperately loving him and getting nothing back before I came across aspergers.Someone whose son with AS suggested I might look it up on the internet.And it was like a lightswitch going on.I thought we could get help together but he just didnt get it,that his behaviour wasn't quite normal.We split up about six weeks ago and he has text saying he loves me,what did he do wrong,how he thinks about me all the time...it is heartbreaking but I cant do it.I have never felt so lonely in my life as I was with him.I will not sacrifice myself one more day for him.Our whole relationship has been about getting his needs met.I am worn out and I can see why girls involved with men like this end up having breakdowns.I will carry the scars of bashing my head against this brick wall for a long time.But all I can do is look at myself and why I attracted and was attracted to this kind of emotional unavailability and make sure I dont make the same mistake again.God bless all you ladies in this situation.xx

 
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