HealthBoards

HealthBoards (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/family-friends-mentally-ill/)
-   -   my fiancee was molested as a child. still having issues. (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/family-friends-mentally-ill/869454-my-fiancee-molested-child-still-having-issues.html)

itsjustnikki 09-17-2011 09:45 AM

my fiancee was molested as a child. still having issues.
 
my fiancee is a 29 year old product of a broken and dysfunctional home. his mother was neglectful to him and his 4 sisters. his father left when he was four. he suffered 2 house fires from his mothers negligence at very young ages. and his mother constantly paraded man after man through his life and his sisters lives. she was not a mentally stable woman. she left her children alone at home all the time unsupervised. her last husband sexually abused his oldest sister, the babysitter she chose for her children had a 25 year old brother that sexually abused all of the children. when she found out about the babysitters brother she reported it but then dropped it because she didn't want the babysitter to quit keeping her children. when my fiancee was 8 years old she packed her things in the middle of the night and left her 5 children in the small apartment they shared and didn't come back. the oldest child was 12 and the youngest was 16 months. she didn't call anyone or notify anyone where she was going, she left with the man that raped her oldest daughter, her then husband. she MAILED a letter to her sister 18 miles away that arrived 4 days later, and those kids were all alone in that apartment for that time under the supervision of a 12 year old little girl. his mothers sister ended up raising them, even though she has no business raising anyone because she was just as bad as her sister. she told those kids many times that the only reason she took them was so she would get that welfare check every month. so sad.

now here's my issue, my fiancee has turned out to be an awesome man, he is loving and caring and loves my daughter as his own in a very natural fatherly healthy way. much like my father loved me. he is a wonderful role model, he provides, he is kind, and very gentle. but... because of his past being molested he has sexual issues. during sex if i even brush his behind he instantly loses his erection and cannot make it come back. he also does not enjoy oral sex, and thats very unusual for a man. i enjoy giving oral very much, but he doesnt really like it much, and if i spring it on him he just tolerates it for me. im not sure if maybe he doesnt like it because he was forced to do it and hated it and so he doesnt think i enjoy it or what. we have talked about it several times but its a very touchy subject for him that usually causes long periods of quiet for him. i dont want to cause him more pain by talking about it but im trying to make him relax more and enjoy more during sex. i want him to experiment with new things and it just seems like right now the door to new things is closed off. how do i open him up for discussion without making him uncomfortable? how do i help him get over it? ive tried many approaches and nothing has seemed to help.. im open for any and all suggestions.. councelling (sp) is out the door, we have tried that.

slenderella 09-17-2011 10:26 AM

Re: my fiancee was molested as a child. still having issues.
 
Nikki, I mean this with great kindness when I say that you doing things to your man that he has specifically says he has major issues and trauma because of is not going to cure him. Stop touching him where you know it brings up issues. If he doesn't want oral sex, knowing his history just let him be. You cannot "make him normal". He is damaged, and rightfully so. Be loving and compassionate and stop trying to force issues he has such problems with. You are adding to his hurt, I feel, by thinking you can fix this. I wish he would try therapy again. best wishes to you, Sue

itsjustnikki 09-17-2011 10:54 AM

Re: my fiancee was molested as a child. still having issues.
 
thank you sue, but i havent forced him into anything, just the way he acted i knew something was wrong when i gave him oral i asked him about it last month and he told me. i promise that i havent done anything that makes him uncomfortable since i found this out. ive avoided all restricted areas since then. and brushing him was an accident, wasnt intentional in any way. i was looking for help to help him move past it. im not trying to force anything on him.

Phoenix 09-17-2011 05:36 PM

Re: my fiancee was molested as a child. still having issues.
 
[QUOTE=itsjustnikki;4844210]my fiancee is a 29 year old product of a broken and dysfunctional home.

how do i open him up for discussion without making him uncomfortable? how do i help him get over it? ive tried many approaches and nothing has seemed to help.. im open for any and all suggestions.. councelling (sp) is out the door, we have tried that.[/QUOTE]

Hello Nikki,

Your fiancee has complex issues that cannot be solved by you alone.

Support and love are all that a person can really ask of their mate.

Repressed memories need to be worked through and there's a process to this.

The psyche is complex yet fragile in its' own right.

For this reason alone,he should seek the help of professionals.

Not every therapist is going to be a right fit for the intended patient but one [I]must not[/I] give up.......

Especially when one's quality of life both present and future are at stake.

Respectfully
Phoenix


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:55 AM.