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Old 01-02-2012, 03:55 AM   #1
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My Boyfriend Has BPD

I've been reading a lot of these kind of posts... and it seems like all these men and woman are in completely different situations than I am.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. He has had a horrible past and wouldn't open up to anyone about anything. I told him this was fine, and just before our two month mark, he told me everything. This included the fact that he has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Before we met, he got really involved with drugs and became addicted to oxy. This he didn't tell me until about three months ago. Because we are in our final year of high school, he and his mom decided that moving him in with his grandmother (12 hours away) would be a great way to help him start new and work on his issues.

So...
  • We met
  • Classic BPD infatuation
  • Started dating
  • He moved
  • He opened up to me about everything in his life (something he has never done)

Now we come to present day. Tuesday will be his 1 month sober (before that his longest was a week and a half). He's been taking medication (his grandmother and i have been keeping in touch and they both have an agreement to make sure he takes it). He's seeing someone for both his BPD and oxy addiction.

He says always dealt with things alone... so he doesn't really understand the whole concept of going to talk to anyone about things. We've had a great relationship. Things were rocky at first, but now we literally tell each other everything that is going on in our minds. It's got us to a really great place. He tells me when he's in a mood (if we are currently talking), and communicates that he needs to walk away from a conversation and come back to it later.

So he's doing well... he's not in denial... he recognizes the signs... doesn't verbally abuse me in any way...

The part that I really struggle with is that he won't grasp the concept that I worry about him. I text him once in the morning and once at night. Ever since his 3 week sobriety mark... these texts have been answered very seldom. I've had a couple conversations about it with him and he claims to see where I'm coming from, but gets in a space where he doesn't want to suck me in. I'm a very... not needy... but... I'm the kind of person who does need a little bit of attention. I explain to him that just because I love him, doesn't mean that he has the right to treat me as something disposable... and he's been very careful with my heart. I myself have been through depression, ptsd and an anxiety disorder that took me out of school for 6 months. I sort of know that path.

I'm giving him his space, because I'm assuming that he needs it. I text him and encourage him and tell him to stay strong and everything...

I guess I just need some tips on what I'm doing wrong and right. I'd like to know what any people suffering from BPD think is maybe going on in his head.

He's a very kind-hearted and gentle man. The relationship hasn't dragged me down once. Sure, it's not always easy... but it's not something that I feel is ruining my life. I have learned my own coping skills, and I really feel like he is doing hard, hard work to get better.

What do you guys think about all of this?

 
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:06 AM   #2
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

okay where do i start, well i have bpd and suffer with it so bad that i am unable to work and my partner is my full time carer. i have taken some points you made and told you some important things for you to keep in mind on your point. also at the end is a few notes on bpd and tips for you.
1) He opened up to me about everything in his life (something he has never done)
this is a good sign of how he feels about you, he trusts you and is makeing an extra effort to makes things work as he does not want to lose you.
2)He's been taking medication (his grandmother and i have been keeping in touch and they both have an agreement to make sure he takes it). He's seeing someone for both his BPD and oxy addiction.
he no longer has full control of his life and is being watched closely by his grandmother and the dr, his has not got a lot of independence.
3 ) He tells me when he's in a mood (if we are currently talking), and communicates that he needs to walk away from a conversation and come back to it later.
this shows he making good progress.
4) So he's doing well... he's not in denial... he recognizes the signs... doesn't verbally abuse me in any way...
this is all good points how ever it dose not mean he is not having a tremdisly hard time.
5) in a space where he doesn't want to suck me in.
this show just hard it is for him. we know how destructive we can be without meaning to be.
(i gave my children to their dads because i was and still am scared of what i might do if my bpd gets the better of me)
6) I'm a very... not needy... but... I'm the kind of person who does need a little bit of attention.
i get what you mean hun i do. however i dont think you have good understanding of what your partner is going though at the same time hun. but points 5, 3, and 1 are him trying to tell you to show you how much he cares for you. (i will add some info at bottom to help you with this feeling of neglect)
7) I explain to him that just because I love him, doesn't mean that he has the right to treat me as something disposable.
it is worrying me that you say this to your partner. i read that the first time and really felt like snapping and not wanting to help you. your partner is going though a hell of a lot at the moment and so are you but please never say this to him ever again. you have to remember that bpd is a very serious mental condition. it is hard to control and somtime we dont fully relize what we are doing. my answer to point 5 can show this. you saying this can set him back a few steps easliy as you have said something that will make him feel guilty as hell.
remember guilt can lead to anger at himself or deep depression. you DO NOT WANT HIM TO FEEL THIS WAY.
8) I myself have been through depression, ptsd and an anxiety disorder that took me out of school for 6 months. I sort of know that path.
hun i think you have under estamated excatly what your partner is going though, while depression, ptsd, and anxiety are serious. i will safly say that all 3 of them put together is a holiday compared to most if not all bpd sufferes have to go though day in day out.
9) I text him and encourage him and tell him to stay strong and everything...
i know you are trying to help but if i get sent this over and over it can make me feel worse like i am being treated like a child
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BPD is about more then what you can read on it, so this is what BPD means to someone who has it.
BPD mean having to fight our emotions and mind 100% 24/7 to try and keep at least if not full but most control over our actions and the way we speak to someone. it is something that there is no cure for and is scary as hell. it is very tiring to fight 100% 24/7. it is something that drugs will do little to make it easyer for us to live normal lives. some of us are not aloud to work and never will. BPD for me is a life sentance meaning i will never work or get to have my children live with me ever again, it controls everything i do and has ruined every relationship i have had and is theatening to ruin the one i have now. luckly your partner is doing better then i am. it is harder for us to cope with even the smalest of things and juggle work friend family and relationships. but we will keep on fighting because if we dont (well lets just say the stats for us are not good at all) we have lost some of our indpendance
i am 26 and my partner is my full time carer 24/7 and anything that i can caurse harm with to myself or others at locked away.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
now ideas for you
when you talk to your partner DO NOT talk to him about his bpd unless he brings it up (and he will but not a lot) when he brings it up ask how his dr appointments are but keep it short.
asking how his day has been and go on to talk about other things like music, films, tell him you got a message from some crazy person claiming to be hello kitty??????????? you know talk about random stuff. this will take his mind of all the crap and make him feel a lot better about himself.
a text you can send but only once is
"hi baby just a message to say that i will always be here for you when ever you need me, or need to talk, even if we talk about crap just to take your mind of things" then finish how you normally do
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
now this feeling of neglect you have (my partner will give you some ideas)

Ok first i would like to say that it is really hard to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Here are some points to keep in mind.
1) Your health is really important.
2) If you have a hobbie do it everyday if you can. i play on the x-box then i read a book.
3) WALK lots, and i do mean lots.
4) Just be silly lol sing laught joke jump dance it really helps

 
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Old 01-03-2012, 02:31 AM   #3
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

thank-you. thank-you thank-you thank-you thank-you

you honestly have no idea how much all of that means to me. the more i read books and go on these sites, the more i realize how serious and scary bpd actually is.

i cannot thank you enough for this... honestly. god. okay.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 03:34 AM   #4
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

Quote:
Originally Posted by bellaann View Post
thank-you. thank-you thank-you thank-you thank-you

you honestly have no idea how much all of that means to me. the more i read books and go on these sites, the more i realize how serious and scary bpd actually is.

i cannot thank you enough for this... honestly. god. okay.
no problem hun any questions you have feel free to ask.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 04:07 AM   #5
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

omg i have so many questions. you have no idea.

i bought a book that was suggested to me by a therapist i met at my uncles 50th birthday party called "walking on eggshells". i'm still waiting for it to come in the mail. i honestly want to do everything that and be the person that i need to be for him. should i tell him about the book?

he told me today that he relapsed on oxy. i don't want to upset him, but at the same time i need him to know that i am disappointed... but that's such an ugly word!

all the posts on here and other forums that i read make it seem like there is no hope of a successful relationship with someone who has bpd... he's so quick to love and care for others, but no one has ever done anything in return... he always says i'm the only one who has broken down his walls, but that just scares him even more. and then THAT scares me. UGH UGH UGH.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 05:32 AM   #6
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

i have heard of that book however it is mixed reviews on the book. now if the book was written by a carer of a person who has bpd it would be better.
i know relationships are hard to have with bpd suffers, trust me i do. like i said my bpd has ruined all my relationship and it threatening this one. but couples have gotten married and stayed married so yes it hard but they can work out.
as for the relapse well before i had my first baby i use to take a lot of cocaine and addictions are hard to kick i "quit" 6 years and 11 months ago and still have time where i wish i had some. i have relapsed 2 times since i gave my children to their dads, and i will probably relapse again. they are hard to kick and harder when fighting BPD as well. he told you to be honest with you. ask him what he thinks brought it on see if you both can talk though it, i am not saying condone it (god no) he will be kicking himself enough for the relapse he know he has let you down, as well as his family, but most of all he has let himself down. he has been doing really well so far and fighting so hard.

as for letting him know about the book...... i cant answer this. i dont want to say l don't tell him because when he finds out that you have it if you have not told him he will feel betraid it will play on his mind ("if she has hid this what else has she been hiding").
your best bet is ask him how he would if you had a book of this type. if he is not sure about it, it is up to you what to do from there, however like i said i dont rate book written by people who have not been though it.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 05:56 AM   #7
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

i figured that it was worth a shot. i'm going to go in reading it open minded.

the whole thing is so completed when he's so far away. no one has ever encouraged me to stick by him. i feel so horrible that i'm making this all about me right now... i just really need to figure out a way to support myself and him at the same time. i'm about to go for my morning run... maybe that will help.

i just want to talk to him. like... all the time. he's my boyfriend and i'm hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him. it's been that way since day one. i'm scared one of his extremes will cause him to get tired or me or something... or he'll realize one day that i'm not doing a good enough job of being what he needs me to be. i want to ask him if he's alright... or if he ever wants to talk... but i never know if i'll mess something up. like.. we have a thing where, before we talk on msn or something, he'll say to me "i'm feeling really ______ right now so it's a good/bad time to talk about serious things". it was his idea.. not mine.

i just want him to be happy... and i want to be a part of that happiness. he says that i'm the only reason that he ever is happy, but i just.. i don't know. sorry. i defs just went all out.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 05:58 AM   #8
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

i figured that it was worth a shot. i'm going to go in reading it open minded.

the whole thing is so completed when he's so far away. no one has ever encouraged me to stick by him. i feel so horrible that i'm making this all about me right now... i just really need to figure out a way to support myself and him at the same time. i'm about to go for my morning run... maybe that will help.

i just want to talk to him. like... all the time. he's my boyfriend and i'm hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him. it's been that way since day one. i'm scared one of his extremes will cause him to get tired or me or something... or he'll realize one day that i'm not doing a good enough job of being what he needs me to be. i want to ask him if he's alright... or if he ever wants to talk... but i never know if i'll mess something up. like.. we have a thing where, before we talk on msn or something, he'll say to me "i'm feeling really ______ right now so it's a good/bad time to talk about serious things". it was his idea.. not mine.

i just want him to be happy... and i want to be a part of that happiness. he says that i'm the only reason that he ever is happy, but i just.. i don't know. sorry. i defs just went all out.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 06:25 AM   #9
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

I do that with my partner and he lives with me. its a way stopping us from arguing and to stop me before i say something i shouldn't.
you are as much a part of this relationship as he is. you do need attention as well and he knows this, however you are not near each other so he is showing you how he feels about you, by being truthful with you, opening up to you, and he is worried he will bring you down with him show. the messages saying pretty much yes we can talk or no we can not talk is another way to show you how he feels. if he says he can not talk don't take it to heart, it could be him protecting you from seeing him in a state and from his mood.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 07:09 AM   #10
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

it's honestly helping so much getting to see this whole situation through someone's eyes who actually understands what's going on. now just to put it all into action.

i think that's my biggest issue- taking things too personally. everything that you're saying makes so much sense, though. i feel like what i need to work on right now is find his affections in ways other than which a "typical" teenage couple would show.

would you think if i just didn't message him until he came to me... would that have a high chance of him never coming to me or being upset with me? i realize that's a question that only he could really answer... if that, but how would you feel if it happened to you?

i'm just really stuck. i'm trying to do all i can to understand his way of thinking and such. you've seriously been so helpful... i can't thank you enough.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 07:26 AM   #11
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Re: My Boyfriend Has BPD

ah yeah my ex did this and i went off on one big time, that was also the time i was pregnant with my youngest. you don't want to just pull away as he could take it as you are abandoning him and in return he could push you away. i would say you need to ask him if he would be okay with it, make sure he knows that you are NOT leaving him and that if he needs you all he has to do is send a message.

 
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