Hey, I've put a previous post about my mum and a hoarding issue.
I've always lived with my mum, and as much as she does my head in, I do love her to pieces. Even though I don't say it to her, and I know I should (that's another subject to hit another time)!
Well, due to her hoarding, I've looked and found myself a house to move into. I'm moving this weekend. I'm excited and happy about moving into my own little part of the world. It's only 3.3miles away from my mum. But. Now there's always a but. I've never moved out before, this would be my first time properly moving away from home, from my mum. Why am I scared about leaving my mum alone in this house. Whenever I want to bring the subject up, I just want to burst into tears and I can't understand whats wrong with me. I'm told that first time leaving home is always stressful and teary. But part of me feels like I'm looking for things to stop me from going.
I'm scared she's not going to eat; scared she's not going to do anything when I don't see her (as we've already decided I'm taking her shopping every week and we're going out 1 evening a week when I'm not working); and why is it I'm scared out of my mind that this house is going to get worse with the hoarding issue?!?!
I know I need to go to the doctors with the hoarding, but unless she comes with me or unless she does something about it, I know they can't really help.
Is how I'm feeling normal or am I just stupidly worried about everything and anything?!?!?!
I think it's normal that you worry about your mother now that she won't have someone to take care of her as like when you were living with her. Has there been times in the past when she hasn't eaten for extended periods and didn't do anything? Or has this not yet occurred and you're scared this will happen once you are no longer living with her? Have you tried talking to her about your fears? Has she said anything about not being able to take care of herself once you leave?
Last edited by flamesabers; 01-18-2012 at 07:21 PM.
The only little things I can think of is when I was younger and went to my dads for weekends she did mention things about only eating those ready meals you put in the oven. I dont want her living off them.
I know she can cook, shes cooked for me so many times, from scratch.
Not only the food, the house is freezing. She says she feels the cold, but its always freezing.
sometimes it feels like I'm the parent and shes the child. Is that normal?
I think the feeling of a role reversal is normal considering you're the one taking care of her instead of the other way around. Does she have any friends or neighbors who can check-in on her and make sure she's eating healthy food when you're not able to? Do you think assisted living would be an appropriate option for her?
I've got a few friends that could pop in in passing. The thing is, she is sorta seeing someone, but its like he only contacts her when he can be bothered. His a nice guy when he does show his face, but its complete silence rest of the time. Told her to ditch him, but she doesnt listen. says she doesnt have friends and doesnt go out to socialise anywhere.
I dunno how I can help her with that. I've said we'll go bingo every week so its something to look forward to.
If it werent for the hoarding, I dont think i'd be moving out.
I hope you'll find living on your own to be a very fulfilling experience. Beyond providing encouragement and support I don't think there's anything else you can do with helping your mom become more social. I think it's the same situation as you mentioned with her getting help from the doctors for her hoarding. She's the one who has to want to start socializing in order to make it happen.
Have you tried talking to her about organizing the stuff and useful things she could do with it to help others? For example: recycle plastic bottles and newspapers. Donate clothes and furniture she doesn't use/need to a thrift store, and throwing away garbage to keep mice away. Then help her organize the things she does want. Personally, I'm one of those people that are super organized and can't stand clutter or things out of place, so while I can't personally relate I just thought about what makes me want to be so organized. For me it's finding a spot and use for everything (because that's what we get things for -- to use and enjoy). I always try to reduce my carbon footprint by recycling, reusing and only buying things I know I need (I rarely have any trash). It makes me feel happy knowing I'm doing my part to help the environment, and when things are organized the atmosphere is more relaxed and welcoming. Like I said before, maybe it would help to assist her in creating a system for organization and explain the reasons why (clutter can be a fire hazard, attract rodents which cause all sorts of problems), and to make sure things are being put to good use or given to someone who would use them -- otherwise what's the point of buying it in the first place.
Getting professional help also sounds like a great idea. While it's great you care about your mom and want to help her, sometimes it can be stressful trying to help her all on your own (especially if you've never had formal training).
From what I can understand from all the clutter, its my mum's way of keeping the world out. Stopping anything from getting in that could hurt her, or me. I do get that she's trying to protect me and herself from whatevers out there but she cant wrap us up in cotton wool.
Before when I've tried to get her to sort through it all, its turned into an argument and I get frustrated with it as I just want to bin the lot.
She does recycle stuff. mostly card and plastic from the kitchen. clothes she doesn't recycle, she wears them literally until they fall apart i think. some of her clothes were mine. she's tiny so whenever I grew out of it, she'd have it sort of thing.
She knows I'm worried about her but she says she'll be fine and that she's big enough to look after herself. She said she's more worried about me.
I swear the pair of us need our heads banging together.
I know after a while it'll all be fine, well I hope anyway. Its just from now until I get to that point that's affecting me I guess.
Part of me thinks I'd be able to move if someone else was here with her. Making sure she kept on top of everything. Giving her that little push in the right direction now and again.
very normal,but at least you are not moving far from her. my son went down to California from ontario canada and that was quite the adventure for him and me. mind you i dont hoard stuff and he had only just turned 18 when he ventured down there to go to school
needless to say he is back now and finishing school in canada. i suspect the move was made by him at too young of an age.
good luck. you will love having your own joint - i know i did in my 20's - best time of my life - no responsibilities, no husband, no kids, just work during the day, make money and have freedom at nite and on weekends.