about 6 days ago my world changed. I was googling "i hate my father" and "i wish my father was dead" and i came across a thread (on this site) about "daughters of a narcissistic father and as soon as i started reading i was shocked to the core. my father and my mother to some degree both fit and suddenly my eyes were open and it was like i found the missing piece to my life.
i am an adopted child and always thought my complete emptiness was because of this. i was a heroin addict from age 21 - 33, had 2 years clean, relapsed for a year and i have been clean ever since. since i have been clean, my life has been frozen and i feel stuck. i still dont know what i want, who i am and i am completely miserable all the time and i dont know why. i know this shouldnt be. i found my birth mother and still the emptiness is still there.
i was never shown any love or affection as a child or adult and everytime i talk to both parents they zone out, interupt, change the subject, tell me im being stupid and do not listen. they know absolutely nothing about me, never have and all they know about their grankids are their names. they have never asked a single thing about them - favorite show, colour etc nothing. our birthdays are unimportant, never calls never visits, but his birthday is a major event. christmas every year has to be done his way - christmas eve... i feel sick a month before up until its over.
i used to tell my mother "i love you" as a child but never got any reply. i have no memories of any happy, loving times as a child. what i do remember is wetting my pants at about 4 years old because my father took off his belt and was snapping it theatening to beat me if i didnt take the stuff my mother wanted me to swallow. it made me vomit the smell of it, i dont think it was meant for human consumption but they forced me and i peed my pants where i stood. also i remember my brother (golden child) pushing my face into a cactus when i was around 5 after telling me to smell the flower growing on it. my father found this hilarious and encouraged him along. i felt like nothing.
i also remember when i was in primary school, the parents also used to have my godfather and his wife over for porno video nights. me and my brother had to stay in our rooms and not come out. they didnt even wait until we were asleep. they had it up pretty loud and we heard every grunt and groan. it was in german but we knew what was up. i couldnt imagine doing that in the same vicinity as my young children let alone them being awake at the time.
my brother always got everything he wanted at christmas and i cant remember anything significant except a pair of strap on roller skates compared to his bikes, surf boards, surf skis anything he was into at the time. it didnt really matter anyway because my n father would always have a complaint about something really minor and yell and scream and my mother would cry. every year. all the xmas photos when we were kids my mum has red puffy eyes. he would make her cry nearly every night at the dinner table and it was so stressful. she waits on him hand and foot like he is a king. always has and no-one says a word. recently a woman friend/neighbour also a fellow german immigrant (they are german born) told him "why dont you get it yourself" and he kicked her out of the house and he and my mother have made up horrible stories aabout her having sex with all the men on a bus trip. it was such a obvious lie... i thought she was fantastic.
the last hope/dream/goal i remember having wasto get into a representative softball team. i was 11 years old when my dream came true and it was soon shattered. some money went missing frome somewhere (i question whether this is even true anymore) and between my mother and n father they decided i had committed the crime. i did not ever steal from them not even when i was on drugs, not even once but they blamed me and said if i didnt admit to it i wouldnt be able to play in that team. well, i was heartbroke and then decided to admit to doing it. i still remember the story i gave them. i said i did it because i lost my school photo money and i thought i would get into trouble so i did it. they were satisfied with this and i was allowed to play.
even though i remember having to go with my mother when i was probably 8 or 9 to go and pick up my brother because he had been caught stealing from the local grocery store - it didnt even enter their head that it could of been him who stole the money, it was me and me only.
years later i said to her "remember that money you accused me of stealing, well i didnt do it" and she said "it was probably michael c." and i was floored - he was a friend of my brothers!! she could not bring herself to say it was my brother that did it. amazing.
my parents were the only parents who never went to any of my games ever -the only ones. my confidence was shattered and i ended up on the bench all the time and i was broken.
when i was 12, i want to an underage disco, got drunk (i was already numbing the pain) and was with some random guy and didnt go home that night. i saw heroin being shot up for the first time that night. i was so scared to go home that night that i didnt go home until the next afternoon. silly me thought i would get in so much trouble because the police were probably out looking for me but when i got home, they didnt even report me missing or call anyone to see if anyone had seen me. he started calling me a **** and saying i was "on heat" after that. he actually never spoke to me except to insult demean or shame me.
when i was 21 my brother who was 2 years older bashed the absolute livingvdaylights out of me.i had his boot print bruises all over my body not to mention the damage his fists made also. it seemed to go on for ages. when i showed them what he had done i got absolutely no reaction. they werent mad at him for doing it they asked what did i do to make him do it?? i waited for a couple of days thinking that my bro would apologise but he just smirked in my face. i was living with his pregnant gf at the time. i moved out after that. a workfriend at the time took me to the police station, they took photos of my injuries and he was charged. my mother rang me or i called her after that and she relayed to me from father that i was never to come back ever again. i cried for days, my heroin addiction took off. he was found guilty and fined $500 and they paid the fine for him of course.
i have been disowned from the family so many times, for i dont know what and then my mother would contact me again after i had "served my time".
my father is loud, obnoxious and rude in public and makes fun of retarded people to their faces. he also makes fun of people with disabilities and deformities. he thinks people like this have no right to live. he always gets drunk and makes a complete jerk of himself. funnily enough he has people fooled that he is the best bloke in the universe.
i am a 41 year old single mother and have a 4 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. i have only had 1 relationship in my life and that was with my sons father. we were both heroin addicts and i think he might have been a narcissist also. it was violent and there was no "true love" there. i havent had a relationship in 15 years because i dont think anyone could stand to be with me for long. i have no idea how to receive love or even give love. that concept is foreign to me. i used to try but usually around the 2 week mark i would start to "hate" them for being so "nice and wimpy" to me - sick huh!!
i dont think i am a very good mother. i dont really know how.
my father didnt come to see my daughter when she was born (it wasnt about him so he wasnt coming) - he just wasnt interested and my mum came once for about half an hour. i think they came for the same amount of time when my son was born - he actually made an appearance - his friends could question him if he didnt i guess.
my mother is 83 soon and my father just turned 80 yesterday - YUK!
it all started to come together for me after my son said to me "what kind of ego maniac names both their kids after themselves??" something about that struck something in me. i have his first name which is martin - add an a and you have martina. my brother has martin as his middle name..eeek!
this was after i was in hospital for 4 days over the new year with blood clots on my lungs. ive had them before so i thought i knew what was wrong. i had my 4 year old with me and i called my son who was 15 then and asked him to get his oma to come and pick up my 4 year old. my mother came with my son, didnt listen or was not intested as to why i was there and took my kids and dropped them off home alone!! didnt occur to her that my 15 year old isnt really capable of caring for her (she annoys the crap out of him). he was fine to be at home alone and care for himself and the animals but not a 4 year old on top. they live 2 minutes from me by car and the hospital is the same distance the other direction. my father never came to see me once saying he was too "sick". my mother brought my son up 2 times to drop a toothbrush etc off and stayed for 5 minutes and left.
i had to call a friend (my only one) who lives half an hour away the next day to please care for my daughter...
i then sat and thought about my life and realised that in my greatest time of need, they werent there and i knew i could not accept this anymore. i didnt know that they were both narcissistic (mum became a mini one on his behalf over time) at this time but i knew i wanted to cut off all contact so i stopped going there.
4 years prior i lived an hour away and very rarely saw them except on "his" special day or xmas or fathers day. i think back and realise i was kind of at peace except for the week or so leading up to his "big events" and then i would be stressed and angry for that time until it was over and even after it was over.
i moved back near them after my n father said it would be good for all of us because they could help out with my daughter, see the grandson and i could help them because they are getting older.... they never did help out with my daughter but they've had me painting the house, cleaning out their chicken coup, mowing their lawns, cleaning his avairy, pool, house, doing their washing - everything!! i was startingto be permanently angry and was taking it out on my kids - i have noticed i myself are starting to exhibit n traits. i always feel sick or off when i pull into their driveway. my friend admitted i had changed so much since i have been here. i hardly see her anymore. i stay at home, never go anywhere nothing.
something else that just came to me- i have never ever seen my mother or father genuinely laughing at anything - he has a snicker at the handicapped but never a real true belly laugh - wow they are such zombies.
so my mother decided (when i hadnt been around a month to drop over and see why i was not coming there anymore. i am recovering from my blood clots im sick but she still doesnt get it. and still doesnt know why i was in hospital in the first place - omfg!! i lost it with her and told her why (i still hadnt realised what they were yet) i told her you dont know anything about me or my kids - her friends buy little things for my daughter - she never does. i said "dad never came and she said, as she always does that he was too "sick". in the next breath she tell me about being invited to a bbq at my brothers house and what a great time they had. i said "so he was too sick to come and see me but quite fine for beers and nice times on the deck?" and she then made this noise... CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO and i was furious. i told her she better stop doing that - i think she knew i was about to punch her lights out so she did. then she left.
im actually glad he didnt visit me, i knew he wouldnt but i saw everyone elses loved ones coming in every visit and spending the whole visiting times there i just wished the next family in line would have adopted me so many years ago and wondering what might have been different.
THIS IS SOOOO LONG SORRY
she came back about maybe a week and a half ago like nothing and had a hoola hoop for my daughter - ugh - it waas probably from the lady my father kicked out of the house previously - and thought everything was a-ok. this time i let her have it. HIS birthday was a few days away and i had to be there with the kids because that is the event of the year and it had to look right for anyone who was going. i told her there was no way in the world we were coming, he never calls or comes to see me or the kids on our birthdays why should we? and then it all came out of me like poison about the bashing the disowning, me taking her to see him every day - both visiting sessions when he was in hospital (i so didnt want to), and all in front of my and the neighbours kids - i couldnt stop. my son had to hold her back because then in the middle of my rage she starts getting in my face about "give me a kiss, i want a kiss" i told her to get lost and she left eventually. i thought that would be it - an hour or so later she came back and said she doesnt want to fight, lets be friends blah blah - for the first time in her life she looked scared - she then said "i like you" WHAT?? i looked at my son and said "she likes me". i wanted to claw her eyes out. she left and she said for the first time in my life "i love you" (very unauthentic) i said "do ya?, ive said that so many times to you and you've always answered "ok".... or something robot zombie like.
she came back AGAIN the next day like nothing with a birdcage and a phone number and instructions from my narcisstic father to get him some budgies - i said he cant even look after the ones he has - she left and said "no hurry" - and a couple of days later i threw the cage and phone number away - i could no longer look at it everytime i went in and out the front door.
they have a beautiful overweight staffy dog and he loves nothing more than to shame the dog. he say "you stink" all the time to her and she goes away from him with that heartbroken look on her face. she smells how a dog should but as a matter of fact he is the one who stinks. i want to steal her but i have 2 dogs and a cat already. my heart cries for her.
then i found the "daughter of narcisstic father" threads and i was kind of elated and relieved that finally i knew it wasnt in my head and it wasnt something i had done but could never figure out what. i sent him an email that said "i finally know what you are" and then i found out the german word for narcissist and wrote it in german so that he would make no mistake about what i was saying. still i am stupid and thinking he woont answer back coz hes been exposed but the day before his magical event (his b'day) he sent back "DANKE... KOMM MORGEN!" which means thankyou come tomorrow. after days of elation - i felt sick in my stomach and it hasnt left me since.
i havent cried in years and although it took 1 more day, the next day i broke down and cried and cried and cried all day on and off. i felt human again and i knew i had to see a psycologist or psychiatrist because everything i believed was not true. things and memories were just going through my head and for the first time in my life i saw all of the lies and manipulations and i dont know if i am going to be able to hold it together.
what took me so long to see this??
i also read another thread about relatives thinking you are the crazy, messed up, in my case junkie drama queen one and your just being cruel to do "this" to your parents.
got a call from my godmother today, who has never called me in my life to "talk some sense" into me. i told her about why and the hospital thhing and then the birthday thing. she said "he never comes over for our birthdays either (they all go to his) and i said "dont you think thats weird?" i then said about the bashings and the disowning and she hung up on me. ive felt sick all day since and feel like im headed for a nervous breakdown - i could go on and on and on - sorry for the super long post.... i am wounded