My Ex....does he have BPD?
I've suffered from depression since I was 17. I'm 34 now and have come a very long way, with therapy. I'm writing in regards to an ex. My therapist, without having met him, thinks he may have either BPD or be a narcissist. PLEASE don't take this the wrong way but I was hoping, if I described my relationship with him, someone who is BPD could tell me, based on their experiences and their actions, if he may be BPD. Yesterday, he hurt me in a way I never thought possible. I feel like he dug right through my chest and ripped my heart out.
Him and I met 9 years ago, 2003. There was an immediate attraction for both of us. I'm very straight and narrow, where he is not. He's going to be 36 in July. He is a major pothead and lives a very carefree, screw around life. On our very first date, he told me about his depression. I felt like I was the only one and finally found someone who understood. He told me about his body image issues. He has man boobs. He told me his mom used to hit him with a spoon and tell him he was no good. We met each other's families very quickly. Still to this day, I think I fell in love with him immediately. As quickly as everything started, it ended just as quickly. He moved into a house with his other pot smoking friends in a local beach/party town. He pretty much took off. He also took off because of my virginity, which I only lost last year. I was devastated, feeling it was me, that something was wrong with me. When I tried to get answers from him, he avoided me. As hard as it was, I finally let it go.
After a few months, he contacted me, saying something reminded him of me. We went to dinner but had a major fight. He blamed me, b/c he said that night, what I said made him do lines of cocaine. All of my anger/confusion/sadness built up that I just laid it all out there. (I've come to realize he can't be "called out" when he's wrong.) He always told me I tried to change him. Yes, I guess part of me did b/c I'm straight and narrow. But a major part of me always saw better in him. Based on things he shared with me, I always felt that deep down he hated himself and this was the result. He created this world of pot smoking, whatever other drugs, drinking, and screwing around, as a way to avoid the real issue. 9 years later, I still feel the same. Part of me feels he knows I see through the world he's created to the bottomline issue and he will never admit or accept it. Here is where I get confused.
A few years went by. I would hear things about him through the grapevine. He was almost engaged but it ended. Facebook came around and he friended me. He was in a relationship at the time, so we just had a basic how are you, how have you been conversation. In March of 2011, he emailed me. He asked me how I was doing, what I was up to. It was around my birthday and he acknowledged my birthday, but then proceeded to talk about how we met, our first date, songs we listened to, things we did together. I couldn't understand why. We kept in touch for a bit, through texting. (God forbid anyone speak on the phone these days.) He told me he was just out of a relationship and was mending a broken heart. He said that him and I talking made him think that maybe we were meant to cross paths, at another time for the better. As he was my first love and I always cared for him and thought he was lost, I always wondered if him and I were meant to be at another time. He spoke of getting drinks but I was hesitant b/c of his pattern. When push came to shove I finally asked him for drinks. He told me he liked chatting with him but wasn't ready for anything b/c he was just out of a relationship and wanted to "play." Very contradictory of the "meant to be at another time." One minute he's interested, the next he pushes me away. I told him I didn't want to play games and felt he was leading me on. I cut ties.
This past February, he friended me again. One of my flaws is believing in people and thinking they can change. He ALWAYS makes it seem like he's learned so much about life and has learned not to take life for granted. He acted like he didn't know why we stopped talking when he knew very well why we did. On Valentine's Day, he sent a picture of red roses to my phone. In our convos, I had shared that I was in a relationship and lost my virginity. He shared with me that his ex got married a year after they broke up. We kept in touch every few days. I love photography. He got me in touch with a friend of his that is a photographer. He actually followed through with getting together. He made all of the plans. It was the first time I saw him in 9 years. I was surprised he followed through. We went to dinner, went to the golf driving range, and went for coffee. He tried nothing sexually. We had a great time. But during the night he told me he was still a d-bag. I was thrown but felt he was looking for acceptance. Like it was his way of telling me he isn't the man he wants to be. I KNOW HE ENJOYED BEING WITH ME!!! We kissed at the end of the night and said we'd like to get together again. He told me he was so nervous but was pleasantly surprised when we kissed. I thought maybe this was the time...as grown "adults" we would work to understand each other and find ways to accept our differences.
Once again, things took a turn. He backed off. I would write and he would respond like a day or two later, or hours later. So I backed off. Then he would send a picture of something I like and say "Thinking of you." I tried to play casual b/c I didn't want him to have all the power. But when I wrote, I started to get a short response and a ttys or gotta go. I was being blown off....AGAIN. What a fool, right...for believing it could work. This past week, he put up a picture of him sleeping on Facebook. Right away...WHO took the picture???? My heart sank. My therapist brought up BPD or Narcissism. She mentioned many of his actions mirror both. I was having a very hard time b/c once again I was put in a position to just be at a distance, and watch what he does on Facebook and not contact me anymore, or reach out.
I'm very blind when it comes to others giving me attention. I usually miss someone flirting with me or trying to talk to me. It goes right over my head. Yet I can't explain why this situation is so clear to me...even when he treats me like garbage. I feel the same way I felt 9 years ago. He knows he can have a good thing with me, but is terrified. He knows he has issues but doesn't want to address them. He knows I see through the world he's created. He reaches out to me because he initially wants to try but can't handle it and runs. WHY DOES HE SEEK ME OUT???? WHY DOES HE COME BACK??? If you want nothing to do with me...why? Why take me out? You can have any girl. Why me?
Yesterday I sent him a picture of me of a celebrity I met. He responded it was awesome. We had a few back and forths and then he cut me short with "I gotta go." So I called him out on it. I told him I expected that. He said "whatever that means." I said it means that I expected him to have to go. That I was reaching out and he pulled away..again. So I was expecting him to have to go. I told him he was playing the same game. The following was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
"Fine...the reason I have to go is because my friend just walked in with breakfast, and then she's taking me to the Yankee game. If you wanna start sh*t for no reason, you won. I'm done with you once again. I've moved past your bullsh*t. I don't want to hang out with you. I didn't even want to see you that night we hung out. Have a nice life...we could have stayed friends. I told you that on our date (No he didn't). I didn't want you to be the rebound girl cause you were too good for that, but now I don't care anymore."
I cried for hours. How could someone be so cruel and hurtful? I did nothing wrong but believe in him. My question.....why does he come to me? I don't seek him out..he finds me. Am I dumb to believe he has feelings and just can't handle it? Are his actions the actions of someone with BPD? Does he hate me that much or is it himself he hates and it's easier to be mean to others to avoid himself? I feel so sad and angry. I did nothing to deserve how he treated me or spoke to me. Over the years, it was obvious he wasn't nice to me, yet I always rooted for him b/c of the deeper issue with depression. I never wanted anyone to give up on me, therefore I never gave up on him. What did I do wrong and why does he do this to me? Why does he hate me to much to hurt me as he has?
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