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Old 07-22-2012, 10:00 AM   #1
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My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

After 5 years with my husband I'm really thinking of throwing in the towel. I love him, I really do. But I've begged, I've pleaded, screamed, yelled, threatened divorce, gone to marriage counseling, etc, etc etc... I cannot get him to get help for his ADD. I don't understand whats wrong! I'm not being unsympathetic, I swear I'm not. I was diagnosed with ADD (among a plethora of other things) as a teen. I understand how hard it is to tame a hectic mind, but I can't get him to even try. He says he want's to, thats the only reason I haven't left him. Every fight we have he swears he wants help and he wants to get better and he wants to be, like, an adult. But I can't even get him to make an appointment to see a counselor.

Am I wasting my time? I know from my experience the only reason I got better was because I worked hard at it and I really wanted it. I feel like the only reason he wants to get better is because I WANT him to get better. I don't honestly think thats enough.

I'd like some of your advice. You're all ADD, I'm not (anymore). What should I do? Is there anyway to get him to get help? Is he ever going to get better?

 
Old 07-22-2012, 10:40 AM   #2
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

I've been there.

I was diagnosed ADD at age 19. I worked very hard for about a year, medicine, coaching, practice and study, and I learned to get by. I still have the same brain I always did, and I still show a few ADD behaviors, but at age 31 I manage my work and home life reasonably well.

Not long after I was diagnosed, I met a young man, also severely ADHD. He told me he wanted to get better, but something always got in the way. Money, fear, his family. We were together four years, and the last two of them I devoted exclusively to helping him finish college and grow up, so we could finally have a family together. He couldn't do it, and finally I couldn't do it. He'd lied to me too many times. I still believed him when he said he loved me, but I didn't believe a single other word that came out of his mouth, and that's when I knew I had to leave.

I am now married to a fine man, loving, kind, skilled, and responsible. I know he's going to make a fantastic father.

 
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:53 AM   #3
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

:/ Thats what I think is going to happen. I'm pretty sure this is not going to end well for either of us.

 
Old 07-22-2012, 11:31 AM   #4
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Hi I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 15, and I didn't want the help either. ya know why I was an out of control KID, doing what I wanted and an action junkie. I still don't believe ADD is a diagnosis, just something the docs can treat and make money off of, Dope kids up that can be helped if someone took the time to work with them, if they want the help I didn't want it.
I wanted the wild life, and by the time I was 18 I didn't want locked down anymore like an animal and wanted to have a good relationship with people close to me. I am 40 now and I believe the diagnosis is just a money maker for Docs that label out of control Kids, no matter if they are adult kids LOL, don't get me wrong I obsess with things, ran my business from sun up till sun down, never no family time and when I calmed down with that I was out in the shop welding half the night, But when you get older things get equal attention or what they deserve rather is the Wife,Kids,outings,etc. I have been withe my Wife since 1991 because, she is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life, next to the kids and were all one because that is how it should be.
It sounds like he is just selfish and using Add as an excuse, as people grow out of the childish behavior oops ADD, it's an excuse I believe. People grow up and learn how to control the childish behavior, to keep their loved ones close, and life mate closer that's my thoughts.
I could write a book but you get the point. I believe he needs to GROW UP PERIOD or he is playing you. I hope a person wouldn't do that but they do.

Maybe you could direct his obsessive things toward other things, that you both like doing and help him that way, lots of guys WONT see a Doc, unless their dying so the counseling thing is probably just pushing him away.
try to do some different responsible things donate, help at a church or the city or just try to change the day around constantly,
so he has different things working in his brain, and you may be able to help him without forcing counseling, to tell ya the truth. I hated it and figured nobody can help me but me. That's the deal he has to want it, to make you as a couple happy or he has already gave up if you can't help him. Just my perspective as I'm not a shrink, but they have all the tools LOL, to get in your head and pi$$ you off, I think you could persuade him and help better if their is a chance.
I wish you luck and will pray that things work out for YOU!!!

 
Old 07-22-2012, 11:46 AM   #5
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

I do think its a bull-sh*t diagnosis. I really do. But he needs some sort of help and I can't offer it! Here's the kicker, he's not even hyper or anything! I WISH we would get off his @ss. One of our biggest marital problems was him doing nothing but playing video games!! I'm the one constantly moving around, changing different things, unable to sleep or relax.

But, on the other hand, a lot of people who are diagnosed with ADD are a lot like my husband, so I was hoping that they could give advice on how they finally got around to helping their selves. He won't listen to me so I don't know what to do. I wish he was productive like you. I could handle that. What I can't handle is his laziness, lies and just all around being unmotivated.

 
Old 07-22-2012, 12:35 PM   #6
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Okay, so your biggest issues are that he doesn't help around the house? How is his job? Does he change jobs a lot, or does he have a hard time finding one?

He doesn't necessarily have to get help in the "classic model." He doesn't have to go to a psychiatrist and get on medication. But he does have to want to move forward with his life. And it has to come from inside, not because you tell him to.

 
Old 07-22-2012, 01:19 PM   #7
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Like, he's good at what he does, with his job. I'm the one who changes jobs a lot. His problems are that he has no hobbies, he has no friends, he has no motivation to go to school. He doesn't cook, clean, do the "man" sh*t around the house . He doesn't take care of the cars. He doesn't volunteer or get involved with any activities outside the home. He only does things when I ask over and over and over again. He constantly forgets things. Constantly. He's overweight. Above all, he's always telling me that he wants to be healthy, he wants to volunteer, he wants to be an engineer, he wants a family, he wants to go on vacations. He's always, over and over again telling me he wants these things in life but he never ever puts forth the effort to accomplish them.

I see other peoples ADD complaints that people are constantly calling them lazy and stupid. Thats where I'm at with this guy. He seems just flat out lazy and stupid to me. The only thing he wants out of life is for me to cook, clean and give him bjs. I feel like the only reason he says he wants all these things in life is because I want them.

But heres the frustrating thing. I've seen him do these awesome things so I know he's capable and he's constantly telling me that he wants these things out of life. So I don't know what to do. I wish he would just say "You know what, I really don't want to go to college. I don't want to fix up a mid-century home. Having babies is just plain bothersome and really, the only reason I say these things is because you seem to want them and agreeing with you makes you smile."

I guess since I see so many people on here saying that they've been called lazy and stupid all their lives, they might give me some insite on how I can help my husband succeed. I don't believe he's really lazy, but I don't understand why he never does anything. He says he wants to do these things and I genuinely believe him, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I need some help.

 
Old 07-23-2012, 10:14 AM   #8
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

xOkay, now I think I understand what you really need to know. I'm going to answer very carefully.

Biologically, ADHD is a weakness in a specific part of the brain, the one that links effort and reward. What that means is, ADHD-ers frequently do have big plans and small follow-through.

Let's say you want an apple. If there's one in the kitchen, you go get it. If there's no apples in the kitchen, maybe you'll walk to the corner store to get one. But what if you had to walk 10 miles to get that apple? The effort just isn't worth the reward, and you'd probably give up.

That's how it was for me and, say, schoolwork. Of course I wanted to complete the homework, but it was such a struggle for me to focus on the words and numbers on the page. I could open the book, I could manage a few problems, but then I got tired out, and the effort of finishing just wasn't worth the reward.

What got me through? Partly medicine, partly growing up.

That's what it's like to have ADHD. It means wanting to do things, but having trouble organizing, starting, finishing and carrying out the steps. Work is easier, in a way, because it has structure and direction. Or maybe work just takes all the focus he has, and when he gets home he just wants to be alone and NOT have to fight to stay focused. I suspect your husband really does want to do those things, but the motivation breaks down before he gets anywhere, kind of like a kid with big plans.

What to do about it? I don't know. Clearly, if you're going to make this relationship work, you need to change some patterns. It might help to talk to a counselor together, preferably one who understands ADHD.

 
Old 08-26-2012, 01:11 PM   #9
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

I've only just discovered that I have ADD but am desperate to start work on myself because the condition is driving me nuts and I really need to start feeling good about myself. Tell your husband you're going to book him an appointment - that way, he can't procrastinate any longer.
Good luck!

 
Old 08-31-2012, 08:55 PM   #10
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeahFaith View Post
Like, he's good at what he does, with his job. I'm the one who changes jobs a lot. His problems are that he has no hobbies, he has no friends, he has no motivation to go to school. He doesn't cook, clean, do the "man" sh*t around the house . He doesn't take care of the cars. He doesn't volunteer or get involved with any activities outside the home. He only does things when I ask over and over and over again. He constantly forgets things. Constantly. He's overweight. Above all, he's always telling me that he wants to be healthy, he wants to volunteer, he wants to be an engineer, he wants a family, he wants to go on vacations. He's always, over and over again telling me he wants these things in life but he never ever puts forth the effort to accomplish them.

I see other peoples ADD complaints that people are constantly calling them lazy and stupid. Thats where I'm at with this guy. He seems just flat out lazy and stupid to me. The only thing he wants out of life is for me to cook, clean and give him bjs. I feel like the only reason he says he wants all these things in life is because I want them.

But heres the frustrating thing. I've seen him do these awesome things so I know he's capable and he's constantly telling me that he wants these things out of life. So I don't know what to do. I wish he would just say "You know what, I really don't want to go to college. I don't want to fix up a mid-century home. Having babies is just plain bothersome and really, the only reason I say these things is because you seem to want them and agreeing with you makes you smile."

I guess since I see so many people on here saying that they've been called lazy and stupid all their lives, they might give me some insite on how I can help my husband succeed. I don't believe he's really lazy, but I don't understand why he never does anything. He says he wants to do these things and I genuinely believe him, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I need some help.

Your husband and mine are like twins. When I read your story, I couldn't believe it! My husband of 20 years and I are separated and about to divorce. We've been separated for just over a year now, and he's having major regret(as do I). My husband is brilliant, and has a top position, makes great money, and receives accolades for his work, but when he came home, he became limp and irresponsible wanting me to do everything, or guide him in doing it. Just like you, I wanted desperately for him to do his man 's____'. He never had to tell me when and how to take care of the kids, clean, cook, etc. I was met with resistance at every turn when I tried to move forward. I thought something was wrong with me, because all people could see was this 'nice'man. I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like this, so I asked him for divorce. He just didn't seem to want to help himself...still doesn't....

I also have ADD and two people like that in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.

There are some elements of truth in what 'NeckIssueGuy", states. However it's also a learned behaviour, that even when you have the best of intentions, it's hard to break and fight your natural inclinations.

I hope he wakes up before it's too late....

 
Old 08-31-2012, 11:33 PM   #11
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Wow. I have ADHD as well as a traumatic brain injury. This is a difficult thing to have. You have no control of thoughts. I work for a national company and handle so many issues in an hour most people would lose it. When the day is over I am exhausted. They may want to get help but something always comes up. Marrying someone is supposed to be for unconditional love. The good with the bad. This is a terrible illness. Living with it is hard enough but to be attacked cause its not what you want is crazy. If your looking to marry someone so you can make him or her what you want your asking for disaster. Not fair or reasonable. Very sad! Anger when there should be compassion. And the if I could do it he has to also mentality is so immature. Not trying to be insulting. Next person have him or her fill out a application with there mental issues so you can end it right there. Good luck!

 
Old 11-03-2012, 05:30 PM   #12
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Read, "men love *******".

It's not a change yourself to make xyz better. You should never change yourself for someone else. It definitely offered me a lot of perspective though in my own relationship (half of the material I figured out on my own after three years). My mother recommended this book to me. She read it after divorcing my dad (a twenty year GOD AWFUL marriage) and she claims that had she had this book in the beginning, she would have been a whole lot happier, and maybe thy would have worked out, too. I also had a friend of mine read it who is in a very healthy marriage of four years now. She laughed and said it took forever for her to figure out the things this book offers in a two day read. So yeah, read it!

Also, I have ADHD inattentive type... And it took about five years for me to finally go to a doctor and get diagnosed. I kept think ADHD was real for others, but kept convincing myself internally that I didn't have it and that I just needed to "work even harder" to get better results. I felt like I was tricking myself and everyone around me if I went in and tested positive. Boy, was I wrong. It was silly to think that i couldn't have it even though it was real for others. I felt like it made me less of a normal person or something. Anyways, he is probably just going through an internal struggle with actually getting in to get diagnosed... Part of that IS the add... Never making an appt bc u know u'll be late, forget about it, miss it, and repeat appointments? Please! Haha. Well worth it though once I finally made the sustained effort.

 
Old 11-03-2012, 05:31 PM   #13
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Excuse me: the book is called Men Love B*tches

 
Old 11-07-2012, 08:26 AM   #14
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

Ummmm.... Leah, no offense, but it doesn't really sound like your ADD has actually gotten better, either (ADD isn't usually something that goes away.... the symptoms can lessen over time, but they are still there).

It actually sounds like you and your husband suffer from opposite types of ADD, so I can see where he would make you crazy.

Your ADD sounds like Type 6, or the Ring Of Fire type. Aggression, anger, impatience, irritability.... maybe that isn't really you, but that is the tone your posts take. If not 6, then I would put you at possibly a Type 3, Overfocused type ADD. Oppositional, arguing, way too focused on one thing (your husband).... again, that is just the tone I get from your posts. You might just be plain vanilla Type 1 or Classic type ADD.

Your husband definitely sounds like Type 2, or Innatentive type ADD. Low energy, lack of motivation, lack of focus....

You are right, he needs help. But screaming at him will not do it.

You don't have to start with a doctor for treatment. Try diet changes first. Red dyes, yellow dies, blue dies, and annatto (for some) are all triggers for ADD. Whole grains, white meats, leafy greens, etc.... are all foods that can help. Water, water, water!!! Cut out soft drinks, juices, alcohol, caffeine, etc.... drink water!

After diet is under control, start incorporating exercise into your day (when I say "your" I am referring to both you and your hisband). Three days a week, for about thirty minutes. It can be something as easy as a walk outside (you don't even have to tell him it's for exercise!).

SLEEP! Get regular sleep. Go to bed together and get up together as often as you can. Try to stick to the same time getting up and going to bed each morning and night to keep your body on a regular schedule.

Last thing.... If you can't beat him, join him. Start playing video games with him. There is the potential there for a bridge to be built between you two that might make it easier for him to venture out into reality with you by his side.

Anyway.... good luck!

 
Old 11-07-2012, 09:27 AM   #15
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Re: My husband is ADD... he drives me crazy

hi-

you mentioned a "hectic mind". why do you think it is add and not adHd?
I say this because for years i had such a problem with not being able to slow my thoughts down-it drove me crazy-so, much it interrupted my ability to sleep!

I interrupt you in the middle of a conversation, i just couldnt control it.

I just couldnt wait my turn or shut up. My doctor noticed this on a visit and prescribed me drug called tenex. i was so hyper it affected my BP. well this drug has been a miracle for me-I really didnt realize or think of adhd-although my husband and family were constantly pointing out the things i desribed above. the very first dose of tenex immediately calmed my mind down-it was so relieving! when you are like that for so long and it seems "normal"-i really just didnt think it was mental problem.

i am a new person on this tenex-my thoughts dont race anymore and i am and feel so much calmer.

Just thought i would share my experience. Good luck with your husband-I am quite sure to him, he is normal and has been this way forever so he wouldnt think there is a difference-look up the tenex and see if that may not fit him.
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