Hi, Not really sure were to start, but will start by giving some details. I have been researching, as I think my ex husband is suffering from a mental disorder; morbid jealousy. He refuses to seek help, as he claims there is nothing wrong with him. Unfortunately we separated 6months ago, because my husband continuously accused me of having affairs. And in the past 2 years I did not go anywhere unless he was with me. If i never went anywhere-when was i having affair? To me this just dont make sense. Here are some of the details relating to our marriage. We had been together 22 years, both in our mid 40's. I would say problems began 6 years ago because my husband found me speaking to someone (whom he was acquainted with). Because I did not inform him, he feels that I was hiding something. Shortly after he found a photograph of this same individual. I explained to him that I was trying to set up a blind date, etc. And truth being I would of eventually confided in him-and I realize it was not appropriate of me to keep this from him, but I knew his jealousy would raise questions. The trust became an issue. He insisted that I take a lie detector test to prove to him there was no affair taking place, etc. I eventually took the test and passed. I was never unfaithful to my husband- ever. I noticed a change in his behavior over the last year. He became easily upset, mood swings, distant, cold and then accusations-constantly. About 3 months prior to our separating he conducted the following tests: He's hired private eye, installed tape recording device, installed a tracker on my phone, monitored odometer, marking of tires for movement, gas used in vehicle, checked my phone messages, email messages, bank statements, purse and clothing, and even checked on my vehicle while i was at work. All of which had negative results-simply because I was not doing anything. However the constant accusations took its toll emotionally on me. And he was angry because he could not get evidence to prove infidelity. I pleaded with him desperately to seek help, I really did love him. I was never unfaithful, and never thought of it. He claims I was too good of a wife, therfor to him i was guilty of something. I assumed he would calm down and come to realize he had over reacted. However that is not the case. And despite all his testing-resulting in negative results-he still will not accept it. It is in his head and there is no proving my love and loyalty. I am now having to deal with Jekyll and Hyde personality. We are not on speaking terms right now. But about every 2nd week I receive a text from him. He usually starts with a rude insult, name calling, then a question-or a statement form. Generally asking me why I had to stray, or why I didn't kiss him more often, or why i didn't cry when he left. Then he will say in the next sentence how he didn't want to leave-he had too.Says he cant stay with a wife he cant trust. Then he follows up with, is the pool water warm? Have you been fishing? And tells me I will have no trouble finding someone. I try to hold back from replying now, simply because I begged, pleaded, cried for him to seek help, to save our marriage. Nothing I say seems to register. I tried explaining to him that I was always committed to him and our marriage. I honestly believe he held onto anger over the years which caused him to be like this. I dont understand his thinking or mind set. He seems to be more angry as the time goes by. He talks very bad of me to everybody. He treats me with complete ignorance one minute then tries to make conversation the next. Yet he can not comprehend my pleas. Seems as if he is even more angry then the day before, etc. Obviously there is "no hitting bottom" for him. Nor is he willing to listen to the facts.He refuses the idea of needing help. So, it leaves me to question, will he ever come to realize there was no infidelity? Will his anger worsen? Is there any hope for someone with a mental disorder to rationalize thoughts? I love him with all my heart, and it saddens me that he is slipping away-and nothing I can do. Any advice, would be appreciated. Please...I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I don't think there is anything more you can do. He is clearly mentally unwell, but until and unless he recognizes this, nothing will change. I think your best bet is to cut yourself off from him completely because, rightly or wrongly, you are part of his problem. His fixation is on you, so as long as you are in his life he will keep being fixated. Maybe if he has to do without any contact from you he will calm down and even move on a little. Sera
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: shadow24 (08-26-2012)
Seraph thank you for the reply.I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. So any feedback is greatly appreciated. I realize that there is nothing I can do to help him at this point. I understand that unless he seeks help there is no chance of working through this. Yet in my heart, I do love the man I fell in love with (he's in there somewhere). I almost feel like I'm the one giving up, I feel helpless in the matter. Ive tried to educate myself with mental disorders. But was not able to find much regarding case studies relating to the outcome for those without treatment. My biggest question , will he ever come to realize his behavior is not normal? Will he ever comprehend something is not right? I guess I am wondering if there is any hope to save our marriage? I have no contact with him-hoping he will calm down. I thought maybe he could see that I am alone, have nobody else in my life. Just wishing he could grasp the fact that I'm alone for a reason. I'm not sure if his love/hate for me is from mental illness? Having a hard time to know what he is feeling, love or hate. I am kind of hoping that he has love in his heart for me-its the only thing that may shed some light on him. And for that reason, maybe he would consider seeking help. If he is "fixated", wouldn't it be difficult for him to be isolated from me? I would think that this would make it frustrating for him. Especially with his low self esteem, wouldn't hanging on be his mindset? Will he ever be able to move on? It really helps me to know that there are people out there who understand. I appreciate you taking time for me, any comments would be very appreciated.
Unfortunately, I agree with Seraph. It's not healthy for either of you to maintain contact at the moment I think.
It's a real shame he hasn't sought help yet. I hope he does in the near future. But for the moment I think it may be important for you to get some support for yourself to help you understand and get through this situation. A therapist would be able to help answer some of your questions and help you deal with what is going on in your life at the moment.
It will be great if someone who has been through a similar situation is able to talk with you about what has happened, but this is a tough situation so I think a bit of professional help wouldn't go astray. Your health is important too.
Thank you for replying to me. I am seeking professional help, which is helping me to understand and cope. But I cant help but wonder, if he suffers from this disorder will he come to realize..? I guess I have a very hard time understanding his thinking process. He claims if it wasn't a "trust issue", things would be great. It hurts that someone who "loved" you, can just let it all go so easily. Mixed feelings of anger, sadness, isolated and hurt, which I understand healing myself is my top priority. I do wish someone who has similar experience could share some insight. again, thank you for replying.