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Old 12-04-2012, 07:11 PM   #1
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My husband has ROCD... Help!!

I have been married for 2 and a half years and my husband has ROCD. It has been destroying our relationship. He struggles with the doubts, critical thoughts, and sexual intrusive thoughts of other women. He has the compulsion to "confess" the thoughts to me and before I understood where it was all coming from, I felt as though I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He would tell me very critical thoughts he had about my physical appearance (even though I'm not an unattractive person) such as "your nose is big", "your butt is small", or "I had doubts marrying you because I didn't know if you were pretty enough" etc. He doesn't say these things in a mean malicious way, he says them because he's feeling so much guilt and shame about it and he's trying to relieve some of the anxiety. He constantly worries if he would be happier with somebody else, wonders if he's ever loved me (though I remember us being really happy, content, and compatible before all this came out.) Now I feel so worthless and unlovable. We've started seeing therapists but it's gotten so bad I am at the end of my rope! I hate contemplating divorce all the time but I just wonder...can this problem REALLY get better? Can someone with ROCD find happiness and love in their relationships, Please HELP!!!

Last edited by roggiegrl; 12-04-2012 at 07:14 PM.

 
Old 12-05-2012, 03:35 AM   #2
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USmiss HB User
Re: My husband has ROCD... Help!!

Im so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am a sufferer of ROCD and I know how hard it must be for the partner that deals with it. My boyfriend is very supportive and understanding and has been so patient with me, never giving up on us. I do believe (and hope) it can and will get better. My doubt tends to come in waves. I might be okay for a few months and then BAM, something like a few disagreements and extra stress will trigger doubts. I know it's hard, but you need to keep reminding yourself that the thoughts he is expressing to you are not HIS beliefs. They are simply thoughts. Maybe your nose is small but that doesnt mean you aren't pretty and he doesn't find you attractive. It's just that our brains zone in on one detail and magnify it to the extreme. All I can suggest is for you both to keep going to therapy and continue working on things. If it becomes too detrimental for you to stay in the relationship, then you must take care of yourself first. Best of luck.

 
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:15 AM   #3
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Calamity77 HB User
Re: My husband has ROCD... Help!!

Is he on medication? I suffered from OCD (obsession about germs and hand washing). The turning point for me was when we had children and I was determined to not let this horrible affliction ruin my kids lives. I am now 100% cured. If you haven't already, i think it is important to let him know exactly what you are thinking. Give him a wake-up call to motivate him to actually make the changes necessary to save our relationship. It's good for you to be supportive, but sometimes I think my partners (when I suffered OCD) actually enabled me to continue with the obsessive behaviour rather than actually telling me "No. This is not OK". I found medication very effective as well. I feel for your situation. I am now married to a man with aspergers who can be brutally honest at times and say the most insensitive things. You need to take care of your own mental health as well. Perhaps seeks some independent counselling just for you so that you have an opportunity to offload to someone and re-build some of the self-esteem that may have been eroded in the relationship. Remember, the issue is not you.... it is his illness. It is important to take care of yourself.

 
Old 02-02-2013, 07:54 AM   #4
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Re: My husband has ROCD... Help!!

Hi there. I am in my first relationship where I have dealt with ROCD. I constantly doubt whether my boyfriend is the one for me or whether I even love him, even though I get devastated at the thought of him leaving me or me being without him. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and OCD doesn't help this. My OCD will focus on faults of his personality and will try to prove to me that that's why I shouldn't be with him. Just last week, I had this amazing feeling of overwhelming happiness that I was going to see him later that day and that I felt so much love for him, and just as I noticed myself feeling this way, the OCD swooped in and said, "Hey! What are you doing? You don't love him, remember? Remember when he did this? You need to breakup with him before it gets too late because you don't love him as much as he loves you." Of course, this completely ruined the mood and made me feel horrible and anxious the entire day. I think that the point is that your husband does love you, because if he didn't, he wouldn't feel anxious about NOT loving you. OCD is a crazy thing... and it attaches itself to the things you care about the most. My OCD will make me have so many doubts, and keep me in such a state, that I completely just feel numb to all feelings for my boyfriend, and then the OCD turns around and tries to use that as proof to me not loving him: "See? You don't feel anything for him? That's proof that you don't really love him." If you want to know what it's like to have OCD and intrusive thoughts, imagine that you have this friend that always follows you around that no one else can see, and she always points out things that are wrong with your husband: "Oh my gosh. He went to the restaurant without you while you were at work and didn't offer to bring you anything. He doesn't love you. And look at that mole on his face... It's huge. Oh, look. He's talking to that childhood friend of his online again. He's probably cheating. I mean, why else would he hide it from you or not tell you about it?" And after a while, you start to actually believe her, as crazy as that sounds. It's manipulation.

 
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