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Old 12-08-2012, 04:33 PM   #1
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I need advice, please

Hi, I just joined the forum to try to get some perspective from "the other side of the fence", if you will.

I have known a woman online for four years. I am traveling 500 miles to see her for Christmas for the first time. She has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have no MH issues. It's funny, because originally, I couldn't stand her and now after four years, I really care about her. She used to drink fairly heavily and I think this masked her anxiety issues. She drinks very rarely now and her anxiety issues are almost all the time.

I tell her that I care a lot about her; she doesn't believe me. She's told me that she's in love with me, she took it back. She says she really cares about me, she takes it back. I've tried to make the effort to see her three times before and something always comes up. The last time she came straight out and told me that she didn't want me going to see her. We stop talking and she always texts me with general things.

I sent her roses a couple of weeks ago and she told me she was so happy that she cried. She texted me a couple of days ago, thanking me again for them. Then, last night, she tells me that she wishes that I never sent them to her.

I've read many things and watched countless videos about GAD. I told her that I'm trying to learn about it because I want to understand it and help her versus it driving us apart. I've taken a ton of verbal/emotional abuse, she apologizes, then it happens again. One time, I told her that it wasn't fair that she makes me the focus of her ire, and she told me, "Life isn't fair." Wow.

She has this whole thing that she wants to live together and have kids. We haven't even met yet! She's quit several jobs in the past because "they weren't working out for her". How is she going to handle having children??? I'm going to see her for four days to see if me being there in person will alleviate this stress. Although after reading many posts about this, I don't hold much hope. I'm thinking it will most likely just worsen the situation. Everything is still on track, but I still haven't made the hotel reservations, for fear that she will change her mind at the last minute and I'll be out several hundred dollars.

On her good days, she is loving, caring, intelligent, funny, and a giving woman. This is the trap. She was taking Effexor, but now she doesn't want to. When I (walking on eggshells) ask her why she won't start taking them again, she says she doesn't get her creativity. She's beautiful when she's on them and I can tell right away when she's not.

I still care about her and I'm trying to dig deep to stay by her, but it's getting really hard. I've lost weight (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but what a way to do it), my blood pressure is nearing borderline high, and in general, I just don't feel well. Where do I draw the line?

Eh, I wrote a book anyways. Sorry about that. Thank you in advance for any feedback you can provide.

*I wrote this a couple of days ago, and yesterday she told me, "if you haven't made the reservations yet, let's wait until later". When is later? Never?!? I'm so torn. I want to just say the heck with it, but on the other hand, I really do care a lot about her. This stinks. Help.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:13 PM   #2
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Re: I need advice, please

I'll make this really short....... I think you're buying yourself alot of trouble. You haven't met this woman in person yet and she's causing you all this grief! Why do you want to do this to yourself? Sounds like she has more than just GAD, IMHO. Good luck!

 
Old 12-10-2012, 02:35 PM   #3
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Re: I need advice, please

sorry to burst your bubble, but don't get your hopes up.....I don't see this ending well....

 
Old 12-11-2012, 03:24 PM   #4
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Re: I need advice, please

I've tried posting on another forum and got the same responses. I was hoping that someone here had an experience with this kind of thing.

Just out of curiosity and I'm not saying this to be cynical, but do you have family and/or friends that have a mental illness (as the title suggests)? Do you turn your back on them?

I'm not expecting anything. I figure I'll go there and if it doesn't end well, at the least, I'll have some closure. I'm going down there with a positive attitude, though.

Thank you for your feedback.

 
Old 12-11-2012, 03:49 PM   #5
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Re: I need advice, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by AS5000 View Post
Just out of curiosity and I'm not saying this to be cynical, but do you have family and/or friends that have a mental illness (as the title suggests)? Do you turn your back on them?

Thank you for your feedback.
that's a valid question, and here is my answer......no I don't turn my back on them, but I have learned that I can't love someone back to good mental health.....believe me I have tried.....if it was possible, I would have done it.

I just don't want you to end up disappointed.....you seem like a nice guy, and I'm worried you might be a "rescuer".......(like me).....I'm co-dependent, and in the last few years I've learned that I have to worry about my problems, and let other people solve theirs.....

 
Old 01-03-2013, 12:56 AM   #6
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Re: I need advice, please

Well, I went to see her. She didn't know I was going to see her because she had called it off again. When I did surprise her, she gave me a huge hug.

We spent a lot of good time together, but still had a couple of fights. For the most part, I thought she was a beautiful and caring person. She spent Christmas Eve/Christmas with me in the hotel room. I gave her a gift that I created myself, she cried saying that no one had ever given her such a thoughtful present. I told her that was just a crime, lol. When I left, she was crying. It broke my heart.

Without posting a wall of text, I came back and she's like she used to be AGAIN. She claims that she doesn't like me "like that", although there were some things that happened that you wouldn't do with your friends. Not THAT, but the issue came up and we had a huge fight over it.

I try to communicate with her that her actions are not the same as her words. She just takes it as an affront and then it's my fault in some way.

It looks like the comments were right. I wished I could have stayed down there longer, as it seemed like it made a difference. But, I can't stay down there forever and I'm not likely to go back.

In a week, she may apologize for "acting that way". She may not. I know that this isn't a healthy relationship. She wanted to cut all ties, but then started talking to me again. Do you think it's possible to be platonic friends? Or is that just prolonging the agony? This stinks.

Rose, like a Willie Nelson lyric goes, "Sometimes holding on means letting go." I guess this is one of those times.....

 
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advice needed, generalized anxiety, relationship issues



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