Hi, I just joined the forum to try to get some perspective from "the other side of the fence", if you will.
I have known a woman online for four years. I am traveling 500 miles to see her for Christmas for the first time. She has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have no MH issues. It's funny, because originally, I couldn't stand her and now after four years, I really care about her. She used to drink fairly heavily and I think this masked her anxiety issues. She drinks very rarely now and her anxiety issues are almost all the time.
I tell her that I care a lot about her; she doesn't believe me. She's told me that she's in love with me, she took it back. She says she really cares about me, she takes it back. I've tried to make the effort to see her three times before and something always comes up. The last time she came straight out and told me that she didn't want me going to see her. We stop talking and she always texts me with general things.
I sent her roses a couple of weeks ago and she told me she was so happy that she cried. She texted me a couple of days ago, thanking me again for them. Then, last night, she tells me that she wishes that I never sent them to her.
I've read many things and watched countless videos about GAD. I told her that I'm trying to learn about it because I want to understand it and help her versus it driving us apart. I've taken a ton of verbal/emotional abuse, she apologizes, then it happens again. One time, I told her that it wasn't fair that she makes me the focus of her ire, and she told me, "Life isn't fair." Wow.
She has this whole thing that she wants to live together and have kids. We haven't even met yet! She's quit several jobs in the past because "they weren't working out for her". How is she going to handle having children??? I'm going to see her for four days to see if me being there in person will alleviate this stress. Although after reading many posts about this, I don't hold much hope. I'm thinking it will most likely just worsen the situation. Everything is still on track, but I still haven't made the hotel reservations, for fear that she will change her mind at the last minute and I'll be out several hundred dollars.
On her good days, she is loving, caring, intelligent, funny, and a giving woman. This is the trap. She was taking Effexor, but now she doesn't want to. When I (walking on eggshells) ask her why she won't start taking them again, she says she doesn't get her creativity. She's beautiful when she's on them and I can tell right away when she's not.
I still care about her and I'm trying to dig deep to stay by her, but it's getting really hard. I've lost weight (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but what a way to do it), my blood pressure is nearing borderline high, and in general, I just don't feel well. Where do I draw the line?
Eh, I wrote a book anyways. Sorry about that. Thank you in advance for any feedback you can provide.
*I wrote this a couple of days ago, and yesterday she told me, "if you haven't made the reservations yet, let's wait until later". When is later? Never?!? I'm so torn. I want to just say the heck with it, but on the other hand, I really do care a lot about her. This stinks. Help.