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Old 02-12-2013, 07:07 AM   #1
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Unhappy In love with a mentally ill guy.

I've been with a guy for four years. He's my cousin. I always heard from my other cousins that he was a genius and was very goodlooking. I saw him on Facebook once, and I added him right away. We talked and I ended up having a big crush on him. He gave me his number, and I called him. He was an extremely reserved guy. I was quite disappointed. But later he realized that it wasnt bad to talk to a cousin in romantic way. We had a good relationship. He was very decent, and he said I was his first girlfriend, as that's how muslims are. We'ad an amazing relationship. He warned me about some of his drawbacks. He told me I should cling to him no matter what happens, he said he wasnt that well mentally. He said he was extremely aggressive. I loved him a lot by then so I don't care about any kind of flaws. Time passed by, I began witnessing his rage. It wasn't that bad. I thought I could take anything from him. He was very goodlooking, so girls went gaga for him. Many girls would run after him. But he said he only believed in legal relationships and told me he'd marry me. Time flew by so quick. He told me about the things he experienced in life. He was tortured by his father when he was a child. He was even sexually molested in childhood.†

We spent time talking on phone and exchanging text messages in the early phases, because my parents don't allow such acts of meeting and mingling. I had'nt met him even once that time. Although i'ad once seen him at a wedding. I noticed him, he didnt notice me. I am an extremely insecure person. Because of the judgements of people and being bullied my whole life. Although I am a pretty girl. But I'm very social phobic and self conscious. I was afraid of facing him, thinking he'll be disappointed. He was 6'2 and I am around 5'1.

With time I realized how unpredictable he was. He'd say one thing at one time and change his mind the next few hours. We broke up many times. I was also afraid because I was badly in love with him. I would get extremely hurt by him. Because he would go hard on my emotions. I, in the early stages of the relationship always tried to answer him back and justify things. One night, he fought my older sister on texts, and he got so furious that he threatened of coming over to our house and telling our parents about how my sister misbehaved with him on the texts. When he threatened us like that, I locked myself in the bathroom, I thought I was gonna die. I feared him the most in my entire life. I got diarrhoea that time, I got stomachache. When he came over, I heard him yell at his father to get out of his car. I was shivering in the bathroom. My mom went outside and so did my older sister. I stayed inside and prayed to Allah that everything turns out fine. He had even beaten his father that night. Although his father now realized his mistakes in the past and has totally changed. He left, along with his father. Mom and my older sister were shocked at what they saw. I thought i was done for. I thought he mustve left me now. But I and my younger sister called him and his mother and told them that it didn't matter what he did, and that we loved him more after seeing his condition. We met various times. I fell in love with him even more. We had begun a physical relationship, in thinking we'd marry. Although in the room, he slapped me when I told him I couldn't undress because I'ad never done that before. I had broken all the barriers, and I even told him that he could even beat me if he ever felt in uncontrollable rage. I told him I'd never complain. I am a very disorganised person. Whenever I made meeting plans with him, I'd always screw up. He'd go insane but I'd beg him to forgive me. I admit I made several mistakes in the relationship too, but in immense nervousness. Whenever he'd go angry I'd almost faint. I'd stay quiet and never answer him back. A time came, when in his rage, he cursed my parents and my whole family. He when would calm down, would tell me that he never meant what he told me in anger. But I am not a rock, I'm simply a human. He always criticised me and my looks. He would use my weaknesses against me. He'd tell me I was ugly, too short, and that there was nothing special about me. But then laters he would tell me he didnt mean it. But who among all humans can listen to things and avoid the hurtful words from affecting the person's personality. All that he ever to me, had a deep affect on me, †no matter if he said he meant it or not.†

A year later, I called him over to my place. I went out and walked from one place to another to get him great food. I spent so much on a cake and the rest foods. I'ad a bad day that day. My younger siblings were with me. I'd yell at them to walk faster and they'd stay lazy and slow as a tortoise. When I ran home after long time I got call from him, he was cursing me and crying that I'ad ruined his life. I couldn't do anything. I felt so bad for him and for making him wait. I told him that I broke my feet literally by walking from one place to another without a cab. He swore he wasn't gonna come. I told him he was like my son, as that's what he loved the most. He liked it imagining me as a mother. But in rage, nothing worked to calm him down. Sometime later my younger sister convinced him to come. He came in a cab, and later saw texts in my phone to some other guy, which was done by my smaller sister. He got up and was about to slap me but did it slow and without much pressure. He then later told me he trusted me and that I wasnt the sort of person who'd betray him. He then told me, he could never beat me, as my face was innocent to look at.†

Sometime after that, his parents came over to talk to my mother about us and us getting married. My mom didnt like him ever, because she knew how aggressive he was and she'ad seen him. My mother never responded to his parents after that. He kept breaking up with me constantly after that. He told me my mother was a bad woman and that she couldn't even call him and let him know about the wedding. I told him and cried to him that my mother loved him and everyone in my family did. He spent weeks without talking to me. I'd beg him and cry and tell him i couldn't accept the break up, as I'ad gotten overly attached to him. He always threatened me about other girls, said I wasn't special and that he could get better girls than me. He told me mean things from the very begining. Mom simply told his parents to wait for sometime. He said he couldn't wait anymore. He told me my brothers were assholes, my sister was a conservative woman, told me I was the worst, that my mother was no good. He even once told me to pray that my brother's baby dies. My brother had lost a baby the previous year, his wife was pregnant with another baby after a long time, so he made me say that I wish the baby dies and that my brother dies of tuberculosis, which he's suffering from. Nothing meant anything to me, but him. I never really understood why I was clinging to him this whole time. He threw me away about countless times. Still I'd always be the one begging him and justifying things. In the last phases of the relationship, I stayed totally quiet when he'd yell at me and curse me, and my family and threaten me. I got more insecure than ever. His breaking up and blaming me for things really affected me. I'd stay in bed the whole day and cry and I'd stop eating. Last year I lost too much of mass and became anorexic. He'd treat me very Ill. He had started to hate everything about me suddenly. Only God knows my intentions. I never in those years stopped caring for him, although he said I never cared about him. He said I didnt love him and didnt deserve him. His threatening of getting with other girls increased. He then one day told me he wasn't going to wait for me and my mom's response. I begged my sisters to convince mom for the wedding. He told me it was over. He told me I was a hypocrite and a liar, and that I was never gona get anyone and I'd stay unmarried my whole 20s. He threw my fear at me. All my sisters got good proposals late. I never wanted to end up like them. He told me I was gona stay like them as well. He said he would find a better girl who'd have a better mom. He cursed me and told me that he only fell for me cause of his manly hormones. He told me his manly hormones were his weakness, told me any girl could do what I did for him in bed. He told me that I could buzz away from his life. Told me that he realised things and that I never cared for him, that I never loved him. I swore to him and justified a little, mostly staying polite, like I always did.

Now here I am. Ive realised it's impossible to stay with a mentally ill person. Because I know I gave almost everything to our relationship. I crossed all the limits just to show him how much I cared. I gave him the love that i'ad for him. I've never loved anyone that much ever in life. I've never sold myself out to anybody like that. I got in bad terms with my siblings and everyone, just so we could stay together. I am writing this to say that I did so much that I can't even write here. All he gave me were false promises, a future that I even copied into my brain and started drawing my steps towards. It's hard for a person to erase back what that person had so lovingly created. This is life, the true definition of it. You come across good normal people and then at the other end there are the mentally ill or bipolar people. It's true, after all, that you should never let yourself drown in order to save a loved one. I'ad several times in the begining told him that we should stay apart as It was hard to stay together. But then he later started blaming me for things I hadn't done intentionally. The worst guilt is the unearned guilt. That is the guilt I felt when he'd blame me for all the mishaps in the relationship. I destroyed my life just to make his' better. He consumed my time, space and happiness. I failed 11th grade because I'd spend whole time with him. He told me I could never succeed. He always told me I was immature, that I repeated 11th grade but still showed no progress cause I was unable to do anything successful in life.†
He was an extreme egoist, a narcissist. He always told me that I didnt realise who he was. He told me in the end, that i should thank him for he made me who i'ad become. He thought that he transformed me. He told me he was gona become very successful and marry an amazing girl. Told me I'd end up doing nothing. I'ad a bit of confidence before getting into this calamity, but I think I'm all empty now. He has had a great impact on my life. I'll simply smile and move on eventually but the hurtful words will still revolve around my head. He said in the end, that he'd get with the girl that liked him long ago. So, I know he'll move on and never look back at what he lost. I know he'll be very happy with that new girl. I know he'll never regret throwing me away because I am not that special kind of a girl. But all I know is, I've done a lot for him. I gave him so much that I am empty now.†Please help!

Last edited by Lightangel35; 02-13-2013 at 02:17 PM.

 
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:54 AM   #2
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Re: In love with a mentally ill guy.

I am sorry that you are now feeling low without him. But given the way he treated you, I think it is good that he left and you should move on. In North America, cousins cannot marry each other unless it is far distant relative. (Close relatives could have defected baby.)
It really depends on your culture. You need to pick up yourself ignoring his abusive comments. You loved him and he failed to see the love. Actually such love was physically abusive to anyone (his Dad and you) and not healthy. I don't see why you need to feel sorry for this lost relationship. Find someone who will cherish you and love you properly. I don't think your religion allows such violence from him. He is self-centered so why love him so much? He doesn't love you anymore.
I know you feel hurt. Please join any group for activities and as time goes, you will move on. Get busy with your own schedule and try to forget him. I know he said things that were not fair and nice, so please find a counselor to talk about it.
I really don't know enough about your culture so I can only advise you with common sense.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 02-14-2013 at 09:59 AM.

 
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:54 AM   #3
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Re: In love with a mentally ill guy.

be glad he's gone....i'm so sorry your first relationship turned out to be an abusive one....that's what it is sweetie....it's abusive. That's not normal, that's not the way men are suppossed to act. please don't let it tarnish your spirit and your hopes. move on, put this behind you. You don't need it!

 
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