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jstpeachey79 · 12-08-2003, 10:51 AM

I everyone, I have alot on my heart and i need some opinions. Please bear with me this might get a little long. My sister in law (DH's sister) is 31 she has been addicted to crack/drugs since she was 14. Well in March of this year she had a baby boy. She got pregnant sleeping around trying to get more drugs. Needless to say does not know who the daddy is. We knew that she was not going to get to keep him because she used through out her whole pregnancy and continued to use even until she went into labor. Well I went to the hospital and asked her to let DH and I be temporary parents because at the time she was going to go into rehab and try to get clean. Well she told me to F off. Well now it is 8 months later and the little boy is still in foster care and she is putting him up for adoption. Well the social worker called us out of the blue and asked us if we would be interested since we were family and we said that we owuld like to come see him and we would have to talk about it. My Dh and I are going ot atlanta on Wed to go see him. DH has very mixed feelings because he is so mad at his sister and we are afraid that if we do adopt him she is going to try to get in and out of his life. Anyway here is my problem. I have thought of htis little boy every day... He is on my mind constantly and I just want your opinions on adopting him.
I want to have him in my home so that way he get so know some of his family nad i know that we would be good parents. DH is such a great daddy and I know that he would be well taken care of. BUt I am worried about her being a nusiance. If we adopt him we have full custody and she cannot say I want him back and I can get a restraining order on her so she cant get near him. Also th e good thing is IF (which I doubt) she clean up her life for a long time and i know she is not goign to mess with drugs she would get ot see her son and possibly have a relationship with him. I am just nervous. Sorry you all to ramble.. THanks for reading if you have made it this far any quesitons or opinions would be helpful.
THank you all so much
~jo

full of sorrow · 12-08-2003, 10:58 AM

Dear jstpeachey79 ,

I think that you and DH should adopt the baby. I mean who would be better parents than a couple who already loves and cares for him. As for the mother I would let her see the baby, that is if she cleans up her act. If she stops using drugs then I think she should know the baby and the baby would need to know who his realy mother is(when he is much olders and understands). Let me know if this is good enough, if not I will explain myself a little more.

Sincerely, full of sorrow.

Teresa882003 · 12-08-2003, 11:10 AM

I think adopting would have more good things than bad. You could quit worrying about his well being, cause he would be with you. And if she puts him up for adoption, then she is relinquishing all of her rights to him, so I don't think she would be able to see him unles you and DH allowed it. Plus atleast he would be raised in the family, by those who are responsible and caring. Goodluck! I think you will know your decision as soon as you see him.

DAISY072702 · 12-08-2003, 11:17 AM

Peachy--I think this sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you and dh to reach out to this child and give him a life of love. I think it would be great if you would be able to let him know his real family. I agree it would be hard when he got older and started asking questions, but that would come with time. As far as the mother, if she did clean up her act then maybe he would get to know her also. Your SIL was probably very upset when she had the baby and thats probably why she told you to f off thinking you were just trying to but in. I definately think you should give it serious consideration and keep the child in the family and giving it a loving home that every child deserves. Let me know what you decide, I'll be praying for you and dh to make the best decision for you and your family.

JessieD · 12-08-2003, 11:38 AM

I think that if you do adopt this child, it is likely that you will have problems with your sister-in-law for the rest of your life. She will resent you for "stealing" her baby and will always try to get the child back, will probably bad-mouth you to the child in later years, and may kidnap him, too. Sorry to rain on your parade, but I think it's a bad idea. I think the child would be better off in a safe home far away from the possibility of seeing his birth mother.

caperbutterfly · 12-08-2003, 11:44 AM

Jstpeachey, I think this is a wonderful idea. Gees, maybe you will get a baby by Christmas instead of pregnant. Good luck.

jstpeachey79 · 12-08-2003, 11:48 AM

Jessie - Yo uare not raining on my parade There is alot to consider and I think that your opinion is great. DH and I have thought about that too and we are still thinking about it. I have a 19 month old that I have to make sure is taken care of too. I dont want her childhood to be afraid.

Daisy, Full and Teressa - thank you all for your opinions too the ygive me hope I just hate being in a spot where i Dont know. I am looking on the internet for long term effects of drug addicted babies.
THanks you all
~jo

jstpeachey79 · 12-08-2003, 11:49 AM

Caper- thank you for your support. i am really getting nervous about Wed. who knoes how it is going to go. Luckily we are not going to see my Sil since she des not have the baby we dont have to see her. DH is really on the fence so I am going to make sure he is ok with whatever. Yo uall are great.

MilkNKisses · 12-08-2003, 01:25 PM

I would have to say, adopt that baby. He is your family .. he needs you. Think of how he would feel when he grows up knowing you could have taken him to be part of the family and you didn't. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty I'm just trying to think of things from his perspective.

I'm also not saying that raising a drug addicted baby but think about how much better his life will be for having you in it.

Think about too that alot of people won't adopt a child that was born drug addicted .. so he could face a life with no 'parents' at all .. just foster homes. How sad for that little man.

Just my opinion, let us know what you chose!

conniefolger · 12-08-2003, 02:12 PM

Hello! I think that adpoting him would be a wonderful thing for you to do for the child, He will be with his blood family and he is already wanted and loved by you. I will not say that it will be easy due to your Sil but once you put a child up for adoption the mother can not get her baby back and I doubt that she will ever try to take him for one she has no money for lawyers and two she doesn't care anout this baby now and three no judge in their right mind would even consider giving this child to her due to her lifestyle and evevn if she cleans up there is a chance that she will return to her old ways as crack addiction is hard to overcome. I wish you the best and I hope that he will be home with you soon

Jordansmom · 12-08-2003, 02:18 PM

Peach- Okay, here is the advice I have for you.

Having some bio family is better than none. Now if you were not married, unstable, etc. I would say just try to keep in touch with him somehow through his adoptive parents, BUT If you are able to do it, I would.

I understand this is just a baby, but he won't be in a few years and will will be possibly coming to you for answers.

I think it is better to have his mother in his life a little, when she is clean, than not at all. ALSO, be sure not to let guilt make you do it or decide not to do it. Life itself is a hassle.

Good luck with your decision, let me know if you have any questions.

Heather

jstpeachey79 · 12-08-2003, 04:23 PM

Thank you all so much! You are being a real blessing. I know that whatever is best for this little boy we should do. I agree that Having him in our family is probably the best but Dh is worried that with him being in our family he will be constantly reminded of how is mother is.

Jordans Mom- I willprobably be asking your adivce alot. Thank you so much. I am just nervous!

Connie and MIlk- thank you both so much too. Your opinions are valuable to me. obviously Dh and i have alot to talk about. I will be def asking more questions in the near future.
~jo

MilkNKisses · 12-09-2003, 08:38 AM

Good luck to you in whatever you choose, I know this is very hard!

mandy911 · 12-09-2003, 11:21 PM

Hey jstpeachey,

I was wondering how long has it been since your SIL saw the baby. I don't know if this is good advice or not but if she hasn't seen the baby since birth then why does she even have to know that you are adopting her baby. By not telling her this would avoid alot of hassel from her. And if and when she does clean up her act you and DH could decide to tell her then. My brother was on Crack bad and he avoided his kids for years. My mother raised them and it wasn't until he cleaned up his act that he came around to see them and has raised his son since the age of 14. My mother raised the 2 kids from birth and the daughter moved in with her mother at the age of 16. I don't think she will be to concerned with the fact you have a kid or not due to the drugs. So I think why tell her anything. I say go for it. If my advice sounds dum then just disrecard. I just thought I would throw that out there.

Good luck jstpeachey.

jstpeachey79 · 12-10-2003, 04:07 AM

mandy thank you so much you too Milk. I am going to see him today to find out more particulars. I think that the last time she saw him was way back in June but I will find out more today. THank you all for your suppport please say a little prayer today for me and DH and this little boy. You all are so wonderful.
~jo

overcomer · 12-10-2003, 10:15 AM

Hi,

I think you should go for it! You may have some obstacles along the way but I think from the sounds of how you feel you know in your heart it is the right thing to do.

I have a neighbor who has 4 children of his own and last year took custody of his sister's 3 children; she was on drugs and in and out of trouble. She has caused some trouble but not much really and the kids are in a solid home with lots of love and are doing well after the hell they have been through.

Hang in there, pray about it, let God show you the way.

God bless,
g

jstpeachey79 · 12-10-2003, 02:15 PM

You all thank you so much. Well I went to see him today and I wanted to bring him home with me LOL. He is a cutie. I cried when I left. I know that Dh and I have alot of talking to do and ultimately it is his deicsion since it is his sister. He is still skiddish but we are goingto try and talk out some of the issues. THank you all for your support nad i will let you know how it goes.
~jo

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