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Old 12-11-2004, 09:38 PM   #1
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Adoption/opinions?

What do most of you women think bout adoption?....sinse my g/f can't get pregnant...I want my own blood child? I won't have that with adaption!!
sure you can go to the courts and get the name change and have it put on the birthcerticate leagally!!!...but what do you women think bout my sperm in a tube from another woman to have my child??? I'm thinking this will be better for us..if my g/f agrees to it...what would be the set backs later on down the road? I know nothing bout all this?? but I do want my own blood child/and stay with my g/f....I'm hopeing for a son but at this point I don't really care as long as its healthy and mine!
I never ask her about this yet?? but I think this is what her hang-up is? with our relationship... her not being able to give me children.

I'm ready to be a DAD most of my buddies are Daddys...I like children and I think I would be a great Dad!

I hope I can ask this on these health boards? I just don't have anyone to ask!

Any comments on this would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by chevyman; 12-11-2004 at 09:46 PM.

 
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Old 12-12-2004, 02:29 AM   #2
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chevyman
What do most of you women think bout adoption?....sinse my g/f can't get pregnant...I want my own blood child? I won't have that with adaption!!
sure you can go to the courts and get the name change and have it put on the birthcerticate leagally!!!...but what do you women think bout my sperm in a tube from another woman to have my child??? I'm thinking this will be better for us..if my g/f agrees to it...what would be the set backs later on down the road? I know nothing bout all this?? but I do want my own blood child/and stay with my g/f....I'm hopeing for a son but at this point I don't really care as long as its healthy and mine!
I never ask her about this yet?? but I think this is what her hang-up is? with our relationship... her not being able to give me children.

I'm ready to be a DAD most of my buddies are Daddys...I like children and I think I would be a great Dad!

I hope I can ask this on these health boards? I just don't have anyone to ask!

Any comments on this would be greatly appreciated.
Boy chevyman, I don't know if anyone can really advise you on this one. The choice to do this is an extremely personal one. It works well for some people, it just wouldn't be an option for others. I think you may first of all want to give your girlfriend a little more time before you bring up the subject. I know she's still hurting over not being able to have kids of her own too, as well as not being able to give you kids of your own, so hitting her with this right now, she might take it wrong. But a few months down the road, it may be something you guys can discuss. There are many tricky things to this, though, things to consider. I know a woman can go to a sperm bank, but I don't think there are egg banks for men? To be honest, I'm not sure how you would go about finding an egg donor. You'll need to find a woman who will donate the egg and carry the child to term. Biologically this baby will be half hers, so you'll want to be very careful who you pick. Women who are surrogate mothers in this type of situation have been known to change their minds at the 11th hour and decide they want the baby themselves and take the adoptive parents to court for custody. It's do-able, but a lot of things to consider. I'd say think on it and do some on line reasearch on it before you make up your mind or bring it up to your fiance. Who knows, maybe half a year down the road you'll be more open to adoption. 1.5 million babies are aborted every year because the mother to be feels she can't go through the pregnancy and all it entails and have the baby. Maybe there will be a baby that is going to be created, but wouldn't be born unless you step in, help with the medical expenses and adopt the baby after it's here. That's just my own personal bias, but something to consider. I think if I were in your gf/ fiance's shoes, if my man really wanted a child of his own blood and I couldn't give it to him, I'd look into it, because I'd want him to be able to have his own child, but it would leave me feeling a bit insecure I think. But then if the shoe were on the other foot and he were sterile and unable to father a child of mine, I'd rather adopt than go to a sperm bank. I'd rather share a child that both our hearts led us to than to make a baby that was half me and half a stranger rather than the man I love. I'm just a real fatalist about that sort of stuff. If the man God made for me couldn't father kids, I'd take that to mean God did not intend for me to have my own kids, but it would definitely be a hard thing to accept. At this stage of the game, I think I'd suggest just thinking and researching and stewing on it some more before you make up your mind that this is indeed what you really really want.

Last edited by Ninispjc; 12-12-2004 at 02:34 AM.

 
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Old 12-12-2004, 11:25 AM   #3
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
Boy chevyman, I don't know if anyone can really advise you on this one. The choice to do this is an extremely personal one. It works well for some people, it just wouldn't be an option for others. I think you may first of all want to give your girlfriend a little more time before you bring up the subject. I know she's still hurting over not being able to have kids of her own too, as well as not being able to give you kids of your own, so hitting her with this right now, she might take it wrong. But a few months down the road, it may be something you guys can discuss. There are many tricky things to this, though, things to consider. I know a woman can go to a sperm bank, but I don't think there are egg banks for men? To be honest, I'm not sure how you would go about finding an egg donor. You'll need to find a woman who will donate the egg and carry the child to term. Biologically this baby will be half hers, so you'll want to be very careful who you pick. Women who are surrogate mothers in this type of situation have been known to change their minds at the 11th hour and decide they want the baby themselves and take the adoptive parents to court for custody. It's do-able, but a lot of things to consider. I'd say think on it and do some on line reasearch on it before you make up your mind or bring it up to your fiance. Who knows, maybe half a year down the road you'll be more open to adoption. 1.5 million babies are aborted every year because the mother to be feels she can't go through the pregnancy and all it entails and have the baby. Maybe there will be a baby that is going to be created, but wouldn't be born unless you step in, help with the medical expenses and adopt the baby after it's here. That's just my own personal bias, but something to consider. I think if I were in your gf/ fiance's shoes, if my man really wanted a child of his own blood and I couldn't give it to him, I'd look into it, because I'd want him to be able to have his own child, but it would leave me feeling a bit insecure I think. But then if the shoe were on the other foot and he were sterile and unable to father a child of mine, I'd rather adopt than go to a sperm bank. I'd rather share a child that both our hearts led us to than to make a baby that was half me and half a stranger rather than the man I love. I'm just a real fatalist about that sort of stuff. If the man God made for me couldn't father kids, I'd take that to mean God did not intend for me to have my own kids, but it would definitely be a hard thing to accept. At this stage of the game, I think I'd suggest just thinking and researching and stewing on it some more before you make up your mind that this is indeed what you really really want.
hi,
thank you Nin, I'll certainly consider all that you said..it is a hard decision to make...I am just going thru this with the thoughts in my mind!!..I will wait on this until she brings up this subject.

this is something that I thought would never come up and its really a very hard position to be in for both of us.

We will pull through it tho I'm sure. I kinda dread it when that time comes to talk bout this...my problem with adoption is that I don't believe in buying a human being...and later on down the road tell that kid that I'm not there father...that would tear me up...and I could never lie to a kid to me they need to know there parents...maybe I should not think this way....but not never having my own blood children it's hard to think bout that. maybe God didn't intend for us to have children? but I don't think he works like that...to me what is meant to be is meant to be if I can get a woman to have my childern and it's ok wih my g/f or how ever we decide one way or the other?...if that happens I sure hope she don't have a change of mind at the 11th hour...bumer....maybe theres court rules on that?/ I will certainly check that out before I do something like that.

you sure seem like a woman with a head on her shoulders..I bet you would be a good friend to both of us...it's a wonder a lady like yourself is not married with your own little family and any man in this world would be a very lucky and blessed man to have a woman like you...thats forsure...btw you sure are up late....well you take care and thank you for responding.
btw if you think od something else or find something bout this...let me know...k...Thanks.

Last edited by chevyman; 12-12-2004 at 11:42 AM.

 
Old 12-12-2004, 07:17 PM   #4
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

I cannot answer your question but would like to share a little with you. I was told by doctors I would never be able to have children, but, God decided I needed my own and I was finally blessed with 5 darling little ones.

Maybe, in time you too may be able to have your own.

 
Old 12-12-2004, 07:24 PM   #5
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

The others are right that the decision has to be yours in the end.

I can comment though as a mom of two biological children (thanks to the wonders of fertility drugs) and one adopted child. Our adopted daughter came to us through the foster care system at birth. It indeed was a very stressful way to adopt because until it was final we could never be 100% certain that she would be legally ours and there is no greater stress than living with the fear of legally losing your child, the child whom you love and adore! I can tell you though that I would do it all over again in a minute because she is worth it and my whole family agrees! She is precious, we all adore her and I can tell you firsthand that there is absolutely NO difference in our love for her and in our bond with her than there is with our two bio sons! We felt the same about her from day one as we did about them. She is truly our own in every way except by blood and that really doesn't matter. As a matter of fact, she looks so much like me and our younger son that no one would ever even guess that she is adopted. But really, it wouldn't matter if she didn't either!

All the best to you in your decision!

Nancy

 
Old 12-13-2004, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chevyman
...and later on down the road tell that kid that I'm not there father...that would tear me up...


you sure seem like a woman with a head on her shoulders..I bet you would be a good friend to both of us...it's a wonder a lady like yourself is not married with your own little family and any man in this world would be a very lucky and blessed man to have a woman like you...
Well, to the first part, who says you'd have to tell the child you're not his father? You and your wife may not be the people who created him, but in every other sense you would definitely be his father, and I'm sure he would love you no less than if you had created him.

and to the second part, aww, thanks so much, that's very sweet. From your lips to God's ears!!

 
Old 12-13-2004, 10:45 PM   #7
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

Hi,
Thank you all for your advise and opinions...I'll take what you guys have said and give it some deep thought..as far as adoption..I don't know bout that just yet??....I'll keep it in mind...........I would love the kid as tho he/she was mine but what after they grow up and something arouses? like health problems and such.?? and I have to tell the kid were not his/hers bio parents...now that just sux...or some how have to tell them?

I can't lie to the child if that child ever would ask that?
besides with all this DNA testing...they could find out real eazy?

I was thinking to even if I did get another woman to have my child? I want to be as elaborate as I possibly can!!...how would I know that woman is not on or taking some type of illegal drugs..or had been?? HIV Pos??....gee lots of things to consider with a stranger thats what worrys me!.. the babys health more than anything....I just don't know what to do?...I know I really need to stop dewelling on this it's bout to drive me insane!!! Never thought bout not having my own kids....we have been trying for a baby for the last 5 years...and now never........grrrrrrrrrr

I was thinking..they have mail order brides from different countrys? wonder if they have mail order babies?...nah!! just a thought....stupid of me to even suggest that!

Oh well....we'll get through this....with our faith and love and the support of all of you nice folks here on this health boards.

Thank all of you for your concerns and well wishes......I appreciate it.
oh "Nin"... I don't have a wife?? she is my g/f of almost 9 years...she may not ever become my wife now??...Now?? another emotional problem for us....if its not one thing its another!

Last edited by chevyman; 12-13-2004 at 10:54 PM.

 
Old 12-20-2004, 08:41 PM   #8
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

Hi, sorry to hear that things are not going so easily for you.

I'd just like to comment that all your concerns about adopting a child, for example - that you'll have to tell it you're not its father - that you don't know the genes of where it came from - they're still existent if you get another woman to conceive your child. Because even though you would be his father... your girlfriend would have to explain that she is not his real mother. Personally, I feel that it would be even harder to understand this situation, as a child or teenager, than if I was told I had been adopted. Additionally, as you have said yourself - you don't know anything about the mother, which is similar to adopting a child, really - you never know - you could adopt a perfectly healthy baby, and end up having an unhealthy baby with another woman. You can never guarantee a healthy child, even if your girlfriend and you could have one together. Yes - I think there actually is a "mail a baby" thing - like, from China or Korea - but mostly it is the little girls who are unwanted in those countries- it would be much harder to get a son. I have heard of many people who have done this and their little chinese daughter is the most precious thing in their lives. I understand your point that it doesn't seem right to buy a person, but maybe you could look at it another way - the child is parentless, for whatever reason - it has been rejected, or it is orphaned - it needs someone to take it as their own, to love and care for it. And once again - even though adopting a child can be seen as "buying a person" - surely this is the same for having another woman carry your child. I can't imagine that you could possibly find a surrogate mother for free.

I think the best thing is to try to think of it from your girlfriend's perspective. You would know better than any of us what she is likely to feel about you fathering someone else's child. She may feel completely left out and insecure, which would put a strain on the relationship - or she may rather you to do that than not to be able to have your own child. However, if she does feel hurt by your suggestion, I am sure you will try to take her feelings into account when deciding what to do.

I know I'm sounding biased towards adoption - sorry that it's not very objective advice - but to me it just really seems that it is a much more feasible option. I can't imagine any woman who would willingly go through childbirth and pregnancy for a stranger, and have nothing to do with the kid - whereas babies for adoption desperately need a home. Both are rare to find, but I would say that finding a surrogate mother would be much more unlikely, and would have more complications once the child was finally yours.

I really hope that you and your girlfriend can work out the best option for your situation, and I am sure that you will be wonderful parents to whatever child is in your care.

 
Old 12-20-2004, 09:05 PM   #9
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Re: Adoption/opinions?

I just want to re-emphasize a couple of points here.

First, no matter how you get a child, conceived by your girlfriend or wife with your own sperm, conceived through IVF, surrogate or adopted, the child is YOUR child, period. Trust me, as both a biological and adoptive mom I can tell there is absolutely no difference in the way you feel about your child no matter how he or she becomes a member of your family. The child is legally in every way, YOUR child.

Second, you would tell your child from the beginning (if adopted) that he or she is adopted. I don't mean to sound like its something that comes up everyday in conversation, but your child should know the word from birth. As your child gets older you can explain more and more on his or her level, what it means so its not a shock for the child to hear it when he or she is older. There are many story books which can help you explain things at age appropriate levels.

Best wishes in whatever decision you make!

Nancy

 
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