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Old 07-12-2011, 07:51 PM   #1
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My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing.

i have an adopted daughter, her bio mom has contacted her on facebook. she has contacted me as well. she wants to send my daughter presents, gifts, and packages. i asked her politely, but firmly to stop trying to contact my daughter. and that i will send any packages back that are mailed. she has lied, stating that she mailed letters and packages that were sent back to her. we never received anything. she said she tried calling, and texting me and i never responded. i never received one call from her. i believe she is trying to put a barrier between me and my daughter. my daughter is 15, and is so confused about her bio mom. we adopted her 15 years ago. the bio mom told me that i don't know what's best for my daughter and that them meeting would be in my daughter's best interest, my daughter has had many problems growing up. she came to us, and would grunt and hide under tables (from fear) as she grew, she began to steal, lie, and manipulate people. she has gotten aggresive at times as well. she is such a confused adolescent girl. she is seeing a therapist, so i am sure that will help. but, my issue remains with the bio mom. does anyone out there have any advice that they could share please.

Last edited by moderator2; 07-12-2011 at 07:56 PM.

 
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:31 PM   #2
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Re: My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing

You might be able to get some sort of restraining order on her for the time being; the fact remains that in less than three years, your daughter will be 18, at which point the two of them will be free to have any sort of relationship they want, and there won't be anything you can do to prevent it.

In my experience, many adoptees are curious about their biological parents; girls even more so than boys.
I don't know whether it's in your daughter's "best interest" to meet her biological mother or not, but I'm pretty sure it's going to happen, at some point.
Trying to prevent it is futile; at best, you might be able to put it off for a couple of years, by taking legal action against the woman.
But I'm not sure that would serve your relationship with your daughter well, either.

What if you and your daughter met her together?
At least that way you could retain some measure of control over the situation, and be there to protect your daughter if anything seems amiss.

I don't know, it's a tricky situation.
Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 07-12-2011 at 08:32 PM.

 
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Old 07-13-2011, 10:58 AM   #3
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Re: My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing

Hi, I agree with Kali that you might want a restraining order against your daughter's biological mother. She doesn't sound too stable and she needs to respect your boundaries concerning your daughter. I was adopted when I was 2 1/2 and later found my biological mother but I am still a secret to her family so I met her once and then we parted company. I wanted to respect her feelings and thanked her for putting me up for adoption. Your daughter's therapist might give you some insight too about her emotional makeup and what it might do to meet her mom with you along. He might suggest waiting until she is an adult and has matured during this difficult time as a 15 year old. She sounds like she has some emotional problems and I wish you the very best. I know she is fortunate to have a caring mother who wants the best for her daughter. My adopted mom died when I was 12 years old but I had 10 good years of love and attachment with her. I'm sorry you are going through all this. Usually an adoption is private and my dad had to go to the courthouse and ask for my natural mother's papers for adoption. I think Facebook is opening a lot of cans of worms. Take care.

 
Old 07-14-2011, 05:13 AM   #4
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Re: My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing

Hello, I am sorry about all the drama this woman is choosing to cause in your family. She is not going about any of this with your daughters best interest in mind. Has she actually had any conversations with your daughter so far? Did she make contact on Facebook or befriend her? I would cut that account to avoid any more of that. Does she know where you live, and your phone number, and how did she find all that out?

What has your daughter thought about all this right now? It has to be very confusing for her, and likely has created mixed feelings for her that she does not need right now. If and when your daughter makes the decision to meet her bio mom or not, is up to her but I do not feel she is old enough to do so now. I would also deny the bio mom from forcing contact until you are ready and your daughter is too. This decision is not up to the bio mom. If she refuses to let this go, a restraining order would have to be the next step, and how aggravating is that? I would really look long and hard at the bio moms interest in your daughter now. I would also take a look at her background check, and seek any criminal records she might have. Does she live in the same city as you do?

My sister was adopted at birth, and she has always blamed her adoption on everything that ever happened in her life, although most of her problems were due to her poor decisions, and poor attitude. At 54 she is still making trouble for my now elderly parents. They don't deserve a bit of it. Although your daughters problems could be related to the adoption, that does not mean that the bio mom can do anything to help at this point. I would say that she needs you more than ever right now.

We are here to listen, and to offer you our support in any way we can...Please come back and let us know how things are progressing. Arent there any rules that went with the adoption that are binding by law? I cant wait to here from you again. Stay strong for your self and your daughter, she needs you right now.

 
Old 07-17-2011, 08:30 PM   #5
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Re: My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing

oooo goodness,
So, basically there are two things here. A biological mom wanting (for true motives unknown) to see her daughter. Due to the fact I am a bio major (hence the name) my guess that if it is genuine, it's probably because her biological drive as a mom is forcing her to feel this way. It's no different when you fall in love, but you also don't know what this woman is like....
The good side of me is saying, she wants to make up for lost time, she wants to know her daughter, she wants to make sure she's okay...essentially, my good side is screaming "She sprouted a conscience!!"

Then the suspicious side comes in and says.... well this ain't good....
Okay, I am from a big city in Canada, most of the kids in adoption come from A) Parents who have died and there is no next of kin or B) Parents who simply didn't want or couldn't care for the child. The bad side of me says that because obviously she can't belong to group A, then what does the mother really want from her. Is she really looking for a good relationship or is she stuck in a bad place where she feels her now 15 year old daughter can be some leeway for her..... trust me, if she seems shifty she probably is!! Do not let her meet her on her own.
Even though the mom may seem shifty, you might also learn about the child while talking to the birth mother, an old saying once said. "The daughter always bears the battle scars of the mother". Granted this generally applies to learned behaviors, but it can also show you what could be going on emotionally with your daughter. I hope things work out and as always, be safe.

 
Old 08-20-2011, 04:35 PM   #6
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Re: My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing

Hi I (We) have three adopted daughters and face book is too a problem for us. Two of our duaghters are sisters and we have had them from 2months and 18 months they are now 21 and 23 so they have been "Mine" a long time as they were fostered with us for a while prior to the adoption their birth parents knew our full names and some family details they also went on to have anothere child and this is where our problem starts, he has contacted them via face book and asked to meet. they have both been up front about this and only one of the girls wants to go ahead with a face to face contact. I am ok with this and have agreed to go with her. the problem is they do not have ALL the information as to how they came to be in our care and even as adults they will find some of the finer details hard to take... I am worried their Brother may be willing to share a litttle too much information and whats even worse wrong information with them. This information high way sometimes has a lot to answer for. The teen years are always the hardest in any relationship but it does get better.......

 
Old 09-20-2011, 09:26 AM   #7
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Re: My adopted daughter's bio mom is trying to contact my daughter without me knowing

I was adopted as an infant, 41 years ago and found my birthmother when I was 28...the relationship between me and her is not good....but I have a very nice half sister who i do things with, an aunt and 3 cousins that I spend time with and my grandmother..she is the only one that has said that she wanted to keep me....which made me feel good. I love my parents, and I am as close as close can be with them, I would never do anything to hurt them as they are my world.

Lisa

 
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