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Old 10-24-2012, 01:16 PM   #1
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Unhappy Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

I am not sure why I am posting this out. Maybe I need to physically get it out in the open. This has been such a hard decision to make and so much pain in our home for the past two years or so. So much trouble, so much sorrow, so much anxiety, and so much anguish.

I am a former CPS worker, CASA, Foster Parent, Adoptive parent and Bio parent. (Little Back ground about me). We lost our biological son due to a car accident when he was 8yrs old and this was about 15yrs ago. We have a biological daughter who is 24 and two adorable grandson's 1 and 3.

We have adopted two kiddos from different families, two years apart. Our first adoption was a little girl with some Psychological problems, she was 6 when placed with us and 8 when the adoption was finalized. Her problems were listed as worse then the next child I am going to tell you about. She is now in the 8th grade, doing absolutely wonderful, holding a 3.0gpa which she works very hard for, thing don't just come easy to her. She is off all medications and working on her social skills, building friendships and blossoming into her own person and a very feisty teenager. She is now 13 going on 20 years old.

Our second adoption was an adorable little boy he was 7 when placed with us and 8 when adopted. He also came to us with some diagnosis and was said not to be as bad behaviorally as our first. With in the first week of placement he had had over 15 absolute tantrums. When I say tantrum I mean screaming cuss words, chasing with objects, picking up and throwing things at you, kicking, biting, spitting, hitting, what ever he can do until you can get him into a hold and get him to calm down.

He has killed animals with his bare hands and hurt our grandson. I have received broken bones, black eyes, stitches, we have nothing in our home that he can get his hands on. He is not allow out of our sight for more than a trip to the restroom and even then we are standing by the door because he will poor toothpaste all over the walls, counters, and where ever he can along with any mouthwash, soap, shampoo, tp.

We have done 5 years of counseling, wrap services, in home and out of home services, 4x's he has been hospitalized and we have working with therapeutic services and his school for years. We have gone through several training's are licensed therapeutic foster parents, trained to deal with the children in our system that have blown out of every group home and placement and the next step from us is residential treatment center.

I am telling you all of this because after this last episode that happend on Thursday that gave me stitches, several bruises, etc...

anyways, I have had two back surgeries and am not as strong as I use to be. He is getting bigger and stronger and more aggressive. We are no longer able to care for him in our home for fear of what he will do. He has threatend to kill us in his sleep has dreams of killing us on one hand and on the other he loves us and we love him. He doesn't know things from one day to the next. His mental capabilities have made him inable to attach to anyone or anything. Nothing seems to matter to him accept in the hear and now, ie games, cards, toys, rewards, punishments don't matter to him he has no remorse.

There is a lot more to his story and a lot we didn't know when we adopted him. We are so torn, we love him so much and it has been the toughest decision we have ever had to make but we have to think of everyone in our household and if he hurt someone or we waited to long and he killed someone and not just an animal how would we ever live with that. We are emotionally and physically exhausted.

So, if anyone has any suggestions or has been in this situation I would appreciate it. I have not ate in a week, slept, I have not stopped crying. We have already lost one son and now we are loosing another... it is so heart breaking to love someone and not to be able to help them or keep them safe.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:19 PM   #2
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

Normally I post in back and pain issues, but I am being selfish and trying to post out my feeling of failure and anguish, hope to get some support so if you have something horrible to say please don't. I feel it all and have already said it to myself. I am having a hard time even doing this but in my lonely sick life this is my only out that doesn't involve my family. So thanks for reading.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:29 PM   #3
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

Sandy, I have tremendous empathy for you after reading your story. I think you have made MORE than an effort to help this boy, and for whatever reason, biological, emotional, he is not getting better, he's not becoming a productive member of society. You have not failed, please don't think that....you've done more for this kid probably than anyone else, it makes you see why he was available for adoption....who would want a terror like that?
I think you have to relinquish this child and say you've done your best. You can't save this one, I don't think, and it's sad....but you didn't create the problem, and you can't fix it. Focus on what you can do.....focus on molding a child who is appreciative and turning out well like your daughter has. This one is out of your control and you need to wash your hands of him. I know that sounds cold, but I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he did something to hurt your daughter. Get him out of the house ASAP.....I sure will not fault you and if anyone else knows what you've tried to do, they won't fault you either......if someone faults you, let them try to raise him to adulthood.......

 
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Old 10-24-2012, 05:43 PM   #4
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

Thank you for your reply it saddens me to think of what will happen to this little fella in the "system". we brought him into our lives, our hearts, our home, and our family in hopes of helping him, helping him to become a productive member of society. With the new diagnosis with psychotic tendencies and his recent behaviors we can not do this. Thank you for understanding. I am so not looking forward to telling the rest of our family that we have failed him and that we no longer can care for him. I know that in the long run it is the right thing to do and that we have no choice to protect him and ourselves. My hopes is that he is able to find a family or a center that can care for him and has no other children and can handle his tantrums. Right now he has been placed in confinement due starting a fight at the current Psyc ward that he is in and busting the lip of a little boy. Today he called and asked me for his G'ma phone number and I asked him if he wanted to talk to me he said "no you are a B" just like that the call ended. It absolutely broke my heart and I cried for hours. But it also confirmed that what we are doing is the right thing. I wonder if it was a "blood" child would we be doing the same thing or would we be trying a bit harder. Then I think if it was a "Blood" child we would have had him in a treatment center probably a lot sooner we would not have the understanding or compassion knowing he wasn't abused and didn't come from the background this little guy came from. so again thank you for your compassion and your response. It helps me to read from others and to know that some people out there can really understand and not judge us.
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Old 10-24-2012, 06:14 PM   #5
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

If anything you erred in keeping him in your home too long. It must have been very hard on your adopted daughter. I would have bailed a long time ago.

Killing animals and hurting your grandchildren? I couldn't/wouldn't live like that, blood child or not. One person can ruin an entire family.

Yet, now that he is in an institution, I would see no reason not to visit him for the rest of his life. After all, none of this is his fault.

 
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:25 PM   #6
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

Quote:
Originally Posted by elizabeth62 View Post
If anything you erred in keeping him in your home too long. It must have been very hard on your adopted daughter. I would have bailed a long time ago.

Killing animals and hurting your grandchildren? I couldn't/wouldn't live like that, blood child or not. One person can ruin an entire family.

Yet, now that he is in an institution, I would see no reason not to visit him for the rest of his life. After ***, none of this is his fault.
We do hope to be able to visit him as often as ***owed our only concern is that once our parental rights are relinquished that will no longer be an option. Also that if he thinks reunification is in the works I dont want to hurt him anymore than he has been hurt already or will be hurt. I think he knows in his head that he isnt coming home this time. We have explained in the past that these behaviors will no llnger be tolerated and if it came to a head again that he would not be able to come home. Weather he understood that or not I dont know. It is hard to know what goes on in his head... Sometimes I think it is what he wants because he doesnt like our rules, bedtimes, chores, and school work. He is an 12yr old boy with a 5yr old mind it is hard sometimes to knkw what he feels and thinks. But thanks for your support in this very hard time. I am an emotional mess. The pain I am in from my back issues and other health problems and the meds I take are not helping my situation at ***!
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Old 10-24-2012, 11:42 PM   #7
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

I had my "blood child" arrested and pressed charges against him. It's a very long story but I know that I did the right thing. He spent 3 months in Juvenile H*** and then in a home for troubled boys. He took himself out of the system when he was 18 yrs. old. He c***ed me up and told me that he hated me. I told him that parenting wasn't about your child loving you, it was about doing the right thing so the child and other people did not die. Three years later I did let him move back in our home,(he was no longer violent and drug free) fin***y he followed rules.
I'm very sorry for what you and your family has gone through. But you need PEACE and rest. You didn't do anything wrong!! If people don't understand, thats their problem. Like the old saying, "walk a mile in my shoes".
HUG

 
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:46 AM   #8
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

please don't say you failed him.....you didn't fail him at a-l-l.....(why are the filters blocking out the word "A-L-L"?
if anything, you are doing him a favor by getting him somewhere where he can get the proper treatment. You set him on the right path, now you have to let go.....you've done your job. don't ever think you failed.....

Last edited by rosequartz; 10-25-2012 at 07:47 AM.

 
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Old 11-01-2012, 08:01 PM   #9
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
Sandy, I have tremendous empathy for you after reading your story. I think you have made MORE than an effort to help this boy, and for whatever reason, biological, emotional, he is not getting better, he's not becoming a productive member of society. You have not failed, please don't think that....you've done more for this kid probably than anyone else, it makes you see why he was available for adoption....who would want a terror like that?
I think you have to relinquish this child and say you've done your best. You can't save this one, I don't think, and it's sad....but you didn't create the problem, and you can't fix it. Focus on what you can do.....focus on molding a child who is appreciative and turning out well like your daughter has. This one is out of your control and you need to wash your hands of him. I know that sounds cold, but I know you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he did something to hurt your daughter. Get him out of the house ASAP.....I sure will not fault you and if anyone else knows what you've tried to do, they won't fault you either......if someone faults you, let them try to raise him to adulthood.......
Look - I agree with what you're trying to say here.. but geez! He is still a little boy. These adoptive parents love this troubled little boy and this is a hard choice for them. He's not some animal that is behaving badly.

 
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:36 PM   #10
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

(((Hugs)))! You didn't fail him...his Bio family did. It's through no fault of his own or yours that he behaves this way. His mind has been affected through years of neglect and abuse. My heart aches for you both!

He is so much more than he would have been had you not stepped into his life and loved him. Maybe it feels like it didn't make a difference but love always makes a difference. He's still young and there's still hope. Whether he ever returns to your home or not he has a piece of your heart with him wherever he goes and maybe someday it will be what eventually helps him be able to love others.

Adoption isn't about saving children or planning for an outcome but about nurturing them in a safe environment so they can become the best person they can be and being there for them as they become that person. A residential treatment center isn't giving up...it's the best thing you can do for him right now...you've made the right decision. You're "being there" for him by doing the right thing. Sometimes it takes more strength to let go than hold on but I think he needs you to let go so he can get the help he needs.

And I agree with sister trixy...rosequartz, the child is not to blame. Children who are available for adoption have been abused/neglected and their parents' rights terminated. The behavior is the result not the cause.

 
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Old 11-26-2012, 09:00 PM   #11
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Re: Hardest Thing I have ever done in my life!

I don't have any advice for you but my heart absolutely breaks for you. You know that you have done everything humanly possible to help this child. The worst thing for you to do is to spend the rest of your life letting guilt eat you alive. You are making the only decision possible. I'm so, so sorry you have to endure this pain. Hang in there.

 
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