Thanks for the kind words and the great welcome!!! I am so glad to have "met" all of you. I have been reading your posts often each day and have seen the kindness of so many. I have also been touched by the great suffering that many of you carry each day.
I am disabled at 49 (for the past few years), with fibro, numerous back problems (including surgeries, screws/rods, fusions, etc), arthritis, diabetes with neuropathy (burning pain), sleep apnea, sarcoidosis (disease of the lymphatic system), heart disease, hypertension, enlarged spleen, diseased liver, malrotation of the gut, ulcers/esophagitis, take about 15 meds including daily heavy narcotics for pain, and they just found a tumor in my left lung a couple of months ago. So, I guess, I can use these as my "entry qualifications" into this wonderful group of fellow pain sufferers.
Each day, at the end of the day, assuming that my old friend and shadow, PAIN-MAN, lets me, I try and look back over the day and thank God for all the blessings of the day. On the day I found these boards, I very much added a great thanks for all the special fellow-sufferers who offer their time to support, encourage and educate each other and ME. Truly a blessing! Had it not been that I suffer from these afflictions I would never have been blessed with "meeting" all of you here on these boards!
I am a great believer in the statement from Romans 8:28 (I think), "For those that love God, ALL GOOD THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD". I have to remind myself of this often. Yet, sometimes it is easy to recognize that it is because I have suffered, I am able to emphathize with others who suffer. It is because I have known pain that I am able to console others that are in pain. Sometimes, when I am suffering the most, I realize all the things I have taken for granted, the "good times", the times with no pain, and all those that love me despite my condition. My daughter is studying to become a nurse mainly due to having watched me suffer. It has touched her heart in a way that she wants to be able to help others in pain. So there it is, there is something good to be found even in the most painful and dreadful of situations. It is really not the circumstances that are so important, but rather our outlook, our attitude, what we do with what we have! No matter how sick I am, I can always find a way to smile at someone, to offer a kind word, to say a small prayer for them. We can always bring good wherever we are and no matter how we feel.
Blessings to all here that have comforted me by allowing me to know them through their writing to comfort others here on this board. This touches my heart, and I am thankful for that!
snuggle down sweetie. we love adding to our family. we have so few brothers.i am delighted you are here with us!
the following is my little story, ha! okay, forget the little part. here it is. life is a lovely place to be. all is a gift.
Greetings Fellow Travelers,
I have posted before. I realized that I have not shared my history. I speak of laughter and finding peace, yet I do not share the journey, and so leave you thinking perhaps that I am one of the lucky ones who experience the lighter side of FMS. Would that it were true, giggle!
I was laying on my living room floor one day about 9+ years ago. (I was home awaiting C.T.S. surgery on both hands) I reached over my head to pet my cat friend and something popped in my shoulder. The pain curled me up in a tiny little ball of fear.
Maybe two months later I started falling down. I used to joke that I could trip over a blade of grass, now I was tripping over air. I do not remember how much time passed, maybe 6 months, and I woke one day and could not walk. I spent the next 6 months in and out of a wheelchair, using canes, and lots more falling on my face, butt, side, you name it, I fell on it.
I was eating, drinking, sleeping, and breathing pure fear. Big, hairy, nightmare style fear.
I did the doctor routine. 17 over the next few years. I heard it all, tried it all. Then I quit it all, went to a hippie herbal school, found a shrink (whew!), planted a garden and started learning to live again. The dark abyss is a bad place to try to be alive in. Very difficult to breath there. But in my garden buckets of fresh air and sunshine awaited me.
There were times I was bent over a shovel with tears streaming down my face. I was determined to prove the doctors wrong and build muscle again. I had turned into a jellyfish while in the abyss.
The next hurdle was not sleeping for more than one hour at a time. This went on for 4 years. At the same time I became allergic to processed tap water. Bottled spring water took care of that. Only I was sick for 2 years before the culprit was found. Also had to start shaving my head. I am allergic to my hair. Had to give up the shovel. Watering was much easier. So serene. I love the sound of water splashing from a hose on a hot summer day.
Let's see, now smells made me sick. Sound hurt. Light stabbed. Clothing hurt. Naked felt good. So I went out and got myself some long flowing soft dresses and tossed out the bra and panties.
Downside of winter. All those cloths in layers to keep me warm. Sometimes I stoke the wood stove and get the house up to about 90 and put on my summer dresses.
More in and out of the wheelchair.
By now I had reached a level of acceptance that allowed me to see the fun of being in a wheelchair. People let you in places first and often for free! Disneyland is a breeze. No lines!! I always fly handicapped now. It is so easy.
I have TMJ. So bad there is nothing to do for me except make me as comfortable as possible. Tough pill to swallow at the age of 49, but there it is. And you know what? I can do it! What a relief it is to know that about myself.
I had cataract surgery on both eyes early last year. Now I have Fibromyalgia in my eyes. It's weird. I will need laser surgery for that later on.
I spent a year in bed once. I had a lot of time to think. It was then that I came to understand a core belief that carries me laughing thru each day now. I have never entertained thoughts of suicide. I might miss something if I leave. Giggle!
You see I help people die. That is my purpose now. I listen, I bathe, I soothe, and I am there for the family if they desire it after their friend has left his/her body. What I gave myself permission to do is leave my body should it ever get so bad I cannot find my smile.
Now when the pain shoots jewel encrusted daggers at me I ask the question, "Is it more than I can bear?", and it never is. The line of intolerable pain just keeps getting further and further away. For whatever reason, just knowing I have a choice, empowers me to see just how much can I handle? Just how powerful am I? And you know what the cool part is? Each day the answer is, stronger than yesterday!
Helping people die has healed an aspect of me. I have tried to help others without gaining anything for me. Can't be done. Those wonderful people showed me how balanced death is. Graduation day, schools out. That's how I see it now. I am most curious about what is next, tho not in a hurry to see it. Patient anticipation, I call it.
So I incorporated what I learned from death into what I am learning about life. And there is such richness in being alive. We all die, that's a given. Being alive is a choice. I see dead people walking around a lot. Angry, unhappy, fearful they scurry thru, wishing they were someone else.
These days I keep busy with my garden, feeding the ducks on the lake, painting, and helping others. My newest project is a group for the FMS journeyer in search of their power and joy. I found the key to mine. You can too. It was hard to get past feeling sorry for my body. The freedom on the other side of fear is worth it.
Because I spend a good deal of time in my room, usually abed, I have transformed my room into a fantasy. Crystals, butterflies, wind chimes, dream catcher, and a pretend parrot adorn the ceiling. Stars glow at night to lull me to sleep. I have the good fortune to have artistic friends with generous hearts. My walls are covered with neat stuff. Gourds, paintings, wall hangings, photos of pretty flowers, masks, and handcrafted goodies from other countries. Just because my body requires rest does not mean my brain cannot be playing. I play in my imagination and go places. To Mexico where the Indians make bead work with beeswax. To India where the statue of Krishna was crafted from their sacred wood. To Egypt where the tin plate was pounded. My bed is a magic carpet taking me anywhere i want to go.
Life is a choice. Being gifted with Fibromyalgia and a few other goodies is still one of the all time best things to happen in my life. I hope one day you find yourself smiling at your body and loving it as it is.
My smile is my gift to the world. I wear it with delight.
May you find your smile, your joy and see the line of power stretching out before you. You have untapped resources of power. They will uplift you and give you wings.
two humming birds just flew by me as i stood on my back porch. one so close its wing grazed my nose. if i were any place else or any one else this may not have happened. it is good to be touched by nature. it is good to be me. today is so windy i had to start a fire in the wood stove. yet the sun shines, the sky is blue and all around me the creation of life is happening. the very air brings change. constant and vibrant smells of spring come. this little human is so happy to be alive.
actually i really love the way you called me blueladylake. sometimes i feel like the woman in the lake. the powerful source of life. sustainer of joy. there are many old stories told by the indian tribes people here. of a horsefish, huge and long, living deep within. of a huge upheaval that created the lakes and the ravine. and of a woman who dwells within the very drops of water, blessing all she creates. giggle. did i mention my rather active imagination? i see the words as scenes in time and yet timeless.