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Old 08-17-2005, 07:08 AM   #1
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fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

i wanted to start this thread for those of us in poor relationships. some of us have come out the other side and there is much learning to be gifted over.
as most of you already know i have come out the other side of hades. after 16+ years i ended a co-dependant, very unhealthy relationship.
what i want to share here at the beginning is how good i feel now. i am empowered with choice. the energy i expended protecting myself is now free to help me heal both mind and body. will i get suddenly well just because i finally dumped the trash out of my life? probably not. my reward, if you will, is i am no longer afraid. that is a very big deal as fear caused enormous stress to our bodies. holding our breath, waiting for the next ax to fall on us.
having fibromyalgia brings about a vulnerability we must be ever watchfull over. protecting ourselves is the only answer i know of. counting on someone else to do that is setting us up for a fall if we are in an unhealthy relationship with a person who is as needy or needier that we are.
i would like this thread to be a sharing of life and choices.
i can breath and i want to share that breath with any person who cannot yet do it for lack of whatever. for myself it was lack of courage. i am wonder woman now.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 08-17-2005, 08:04 AM   #2
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unahealthy relationships and how they work against us

Well said blue, you know how happy I am for you. I can't offer much in the way of experience with bad relationships, but I can offer encouragement and friendship to anyone who needs it.

This was a wonderful idea blue and I will be keeping up and offering energy to anyone who needs it.

Glojer

Last edited by Glojer; 08-17-2005 at 08:09 AM.

 
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Old 08-17-2005, 08:21 AM   #3
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

dearest glojer,
what you offer is proof that good relationships do exist. for all of us who have never had that experience you and your good man are living proof that unconditional love is real. you, golden and bilij just to name a few of the humans here in a loving caring enviornment are inspiration to us all.
some of us may move on and try again. not me. for those who do your lives are a validation of what we feel can happen in life when we make healthy choices.
i am delighted you are part of this conversation.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 08-17-2005, 09:47 AM   #4
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Dear Blue,

Thank you for starting this thread. If it can help only one of our family here, then I personally will be so happy.

Hello My Friends,

I too think this is a wonderful idea to explore where we were, and where we are now, and what has made us who we are. We are blessed if we can learn from the badness that once invaded our lives. Some of us unfortunately don't seem able to do this. I hope this thread will now enable those of us who need to look in from the "other" side to have hope that it can be done.

I came out of the darkness of a horrid, hurtful, down in the depths of despair relationship. There are more words I could use but I am a lady. I hesitate really to use the term relationship because to me that word conjures up partnerships, and being and pulling together, and it also has a warm and fuzzy feeling to it. What I had wasn't. Oh yes, at first it was wonderful, then as time went the other half in the relationship got darker and darker. I was so lucky I feel in a way because I didn't have children, who I have yearned for all of my life, and they didn't have to come to any physical or mental harm because of this person. I wasn't married to the person either, but the trauma was still as strong. I will tell more of that when I feel I can share of myself more. Anyway, I don't want to put a dampner on this whole thread, so I will say what I want to share with you all.

What I came here to say was that, yes, I am in such a warm, loving, wonderful supportive relationship now, and I for one am thankful that I have found such a beautiful person as my darling compassionman. I am extremely lucky, and I know without the horrid hurtful way I had gone before, that I wouldn't have the insight into my emotions and knowing what makes others tick. I met this wondeful man I now have with me through thick and thin. I didn't go looking for another partner, it happened without warning. I am not a religious person, but I truly believe this was so meant to be and someone, somewhere arranged it for me.

I am waffling somewhat, forgive me, I just want to let anyone who is in doubt about what to do with their lives at the moment because it isn't really their life they are living, take a good, long hard look and act. Don't let something bad destroy who you are. You are so much better than that. It is time for you to "go forward and never look back". You deserve it so much.

Take care my friends

goldenwings
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Last edited by goldenwings; 08-17-2005 at 10:28 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 10:20 AM   #5
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Dear Blue,

This subject is such an important issue in our journey through life. I am so glad you started this, there are so many voices that need to be heard and given compassion and strength.

I am a very lucky woman, however, recently I put my relationship in jeopardy. It was the most destructive action I have ever done in my life. I am married to the most wonderful, compassionate, loving and tender man.

It will be a long time before this man will be able to put this aside and I understand that. I was not unfaithful nor anything in that areana. I said something that I would give anything to take back. We have to be so careful with our words.

I know that my actions have caused so much stress to my body that at the moment I cannot walk without a cane since my back went out. Our situations are in relationship so much with our bodies. Especially with Fibro since our bodies are so vulnerable.

I know this thread was started for those who are in a sad place with relationships and I have to admit that I am being a little selfish here by venting since I have no other outlet but to share with my loving friends here.

I came to the conclusion that sometimes we take something good in our lifes and test it. When it comes out hurtful and damaging you realize that there is no reason in the world to do such a thing, unconditional love does exist.

No matter where I am in life, a good or bad time in a relationship, the number one thing for me is that I am ok the way I am. If someone loves you they do not judge you or doubt what is going on with you physically and mentally. I am lucky to not have lost this man and I will never, ever, doubt that which I know to be true.

Again, I know that this is a little off topic from this thread, however, it opened a door for me to share. Thank you Blue, you cannot know how much I needed this. I am so grateful. I am also grateful for what I have in life.

I am here to listen and give love and compassion to anyone who needs it. I learned a tremendous lesson.

I send out my voice of love and understanding. It helps to know that there are others out there who hear your voice and are listening.

Peace and love, Hangin

"Compassion can help heal our World"
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Last edited by hangin; 08-17-2005 at 10:38 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 11:18 AM   #6
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Already blue such wonderful responses. I have been married to my hubby for 34 yrs. The first for us both and we went through our ups and downs just like everyone else. It is the commitment to work through those ups and downs that makes it all worthwhile. You don't remember the up or down, you just remember that he/she was always there and when the years go by and you get through the struggle and stress you get to enjoy the love, the peace and the contentment.

Making a commitment and agreeing on the important issues and standing side by side through the rough times is what I think it is all about. In the early days, there is a way to argue that does not make the deep wounds and this everyone should learn. If not it is a hard way to go.

I am so blessed to have a man like my husband, we sometimes discuss what we would do without each other. Right now we just enjoy the laughter and the time together and let the future take care of itself.

He is my strength thru this journey we call fibro, I always feel bad for him cause he always says "I wish I could do something for you". I tell him he already has, just getting through the stress of everyday with someone to count on is a big help.

I hope those who need to will come here and vent and try to put the pieces of there lives together with your support and advice blue and the help of golden and hangin and help to heal themselves.

Glojer

 
Old 08-17-2005, 12:36 PM   #7
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Hello again,

Sorry I realised that this was a duplicated post from me. Something close to my heart has made me hyper I think.

goldenwings
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Last edited by goldenwings; 08-18-2005 at 06:06 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 12:37 PM   #8
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Hello again,

Just another thought on this wonderful thread. When anyone - male or female - is in a relationship that is totally bad for them, it takes such courage to leave that life. The life they are existing in could be because of physical or mental cruelty, partners who use drugs or drinking to get them through the day, whatever is going wrong in the relationship it isn't easy to walk away.

Great planning is needed, but I think the best thing would be - I say "I think" because I didn't have this at the time - talking to someone about the situation. Shame stops so many partners from walking away. Shame because this "always happens to someone else who is not as rich, or educated or in the same social class as I am, etc". Believe me, this just isn't so.

There is one old saying that I always remember being uttered by an elderly relative of mine "house devil, street angel" . The meaning was explained to me and it is something that I feel encompasses the whole of this type of situation. If anyone here is identifying with all that is being talked about on this thread, then please think long and hard and come and talk. Just knowing that you can say what you need to and not be worried that you will be told you are wrong, or stupid, or crazy, or mad, is a safe place to be. Nobody but you can make the ultimate decision of staying or leaving, but to know others here will be supportive is I feel a tremendous thing.

Take care everyone.

goldenwings
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Last edited by goldenwings; 08-18-2005 at 06:14 AM.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 12:57 PM   #9
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Golden I have heard that expression before,"house devil,street angel". You are so right, the courage it takes to get out of a bad situation is something to be proud of.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:37 PM   #10
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

often what we see as our own failure to keep the relationship afloat is really just a bad choice we made, and we forget we can change our minds.
getting out was much easier than staying in. and i thought getting out was going to be harder. how wrong i was. how delighted i am to be wrong!
thank you my friends, for sharing. may we all share, and in that sharing find healing, courage, and freedom.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 08-17-2005, 03:59 PM   #11
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Hey Ladies, I have so much to type but my wrist is killing me from typing all day today and I am VERY exhaused! My body says it's time to go to bed now, but I will be back!Blue thanks so much for starting this post and thanks to everyone else who has posted thus far!!!! Take care.
KSP

 
Old 08-17-2005, 05:21 PM   #12
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

"House Devil, Street Angel", sent shivers down my spine. Very Powerful words.

Peace and Love, Hangin
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Old 08-18-2005, 08:02 AM   #13
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

my IT was a street angel, home devil. in time tho these devils destroy their friendships and keep people at a distance so they will not see the poison within. only those very close can feel the poison of their personality. why is it then, that those closest will continue in a relationship with someone so toxic? insecurity? fear of being alone? how about being blamed for everything that goes wrong and feeling like you are the failure in the equation? that was mine. yea, i was pretty dumb. self inflicted stupidity.
let's go back, way back to my ex husband. when i left him a friend, female, said i was out of my blanking mind if i left such a good man. know what i told her? i said, if he is so grand, i gift him to you. she took him and less than a year later dumped him because he was cheating on her.
from the outside looking in is not a true perception of what goes on. it is only those of us inside the chaos that see the true nature of the person we chose to link our lives to. and it is so hard to see clearly while in the chaos. it is only after setting yourself free that you see the reality of your situation and the person. and oh, what an eye opener that is!
now it took me 13 years to realize i was crazy and to get out. this time around it took 16 years. i would not say i am learning my lessons more quickly. what i learned is i am a magnet for messed up men. so i turned me off. turned off the neon sign that says, come abuse me. i am too "whatever" to realize i can do better.
i am kind and gentle, loving and supportive, strong and adaptable. with setting healthy boundaries i have found my way to sanity, peace, honesty about self, and most important of all, freedom. living in fear is the worst misuse of life. believing what someone else tells you when your heart says otherwise is allowing them to win. they cannot do their disfuntion without our participation.
i am helping my daughter with her ex husband now that he is out of prision for beating a woman almost to death. she is learning not to explain herself or her actions to this man. he accuses, she sits silently. he then says, you don't want to hear this do you? she says, no. they hang up the phone. yesterday she told me she felt so good when she did not go into the insanity with him and she loved the confused tone of his voice when she chose not to play her part in the disfunction.
remember, without our participation the insanity cannot thrive. it can only skulk off and find a new playmate. suddenly you are not fun anymore. silence is a powerful tool. we can always choose to remain silent.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 08-18-2005, 11:06 AM   #14
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

Hello - again,

A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that I think is so very, very true especially in a situation of self doubt.

"No one can make you inferior without your consent".

Think about it, it so fits with what we are discussing on this thread.

goldenwings
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Old 08-18-2005, 11:23 AM   #15
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Re: fibromyalgia, stress, unhealthy relationships and how they work against us.

O.K. I'm back, are ya ready, here we go, all of it in a nutshell......

I was a child raised in a "sheltered" home up until I was about 13. At 13 I was raped by a man I met in a bar with my dad who said he had puppies and he only lived 1 block away (you know how this story goes). Then at age 16 I was raped by my S&M boyfriend who is now on house arrest for molesting his 6 yr old neice. Then when I was 18 I was raped by a family friend. After all this I met a man from Louisiana who was working in my state and he was going to sweep me off my feet and take me away from all this, so we got married 2 weeks later, 9 months later he was cheating on me and we got divorced. My parents got divorced and remarried when I was 15, my mom was out having an affair with a guy the same age as my sister and I was living with dad who tried to kill himself by running a car in a closed garage. Thankfully the phone rang and I had to go get him which I believe, is the only reason he is alive today. My mom and dad are doing as well as can be expected now. So now the story continues, my current relationship......
I met my husband about 6 years ago and we were married within a time frame of about 8 months. He was a wonderful man, loved to cuddle, buy flowers, diamonds etc. I never pictured myself with a man like him because I was a tall skinny young girl 22 years old and he was a tall 240lb man 34 years old but my parents said give him a chance, so I did. Now there are 2 sides to every relationship so I will be honest later in this story and tell you my biggest fault. First I want to give you a description of my husband. Before I met him, from what I've heard, he was a depressed man, his father died of a heart attack at the age of 50 so he ate and drank himself almost to death. He got up to 505lbs and his kidneys, liver, and heart shut down. They shot NitroGlycerine into him to "jump start" his heart and keep him alive. After this he had a gastric bypass and lost a bunch of weight, now he's back up to 296lbs because he doesn't eat right. I call him buhlemic since he eats and throws up several times a day. He has still not gotten over his dads death and I don't know how to help him. After all this you'd think he would have respect for obese people but no, he makes fun of them just like he was made fun of, you'd think he would appreciate life more from almost dying, but no. About 4 years ago I had surgery on my wrist (work comp) and to make a long story short I ended up doing permanent damage to my opposite shoulder, all this put me out of work for a year. I was going crazy!!! I started smoking pot when I was 16 and when I was at home all this time my use got really bad (about an ounce a week for those of you who know about this) this is when our relationship got really really bad. My husband smokes with me every once in a while but he would get so mad when he'd come home and I was "lit" so the screaming began. He has always had the last word, it's his way or the highway. It came time to go back to work and I new I needed help for my problem and our problems so I went to a psychiatrist, and we went to marriage counseling. The marriage counsler said we both have so many issues that we need to work out individually that she could not help us at this point. It ended with us declaring bacruptcy and getting seperated. While we were seperated I moved in with my boss and started seeing my ex-boyfriend (smart move it was the one who's on house arrest now) and he started sleeping with some woman, after a while of my husband and I talking I went back. Thinks were good for about 4 months and it started again. I'll say now that I do still smoke pot but I only do it at night when I know that I have nothing else to do, it helps me relax and not think about things and he's sort of o.k. with this. Here's what were facing now, we are in serious debt (well of 100,000.00 even after the bankruptcy) (my parents loaned us 50,000.00 to pay off my husbands debt that he had before we got married so we could have a clean slate and he thinks we don't have to repay them because of the bankruptcy, truth is we can't afford to) we have sex maybe once every 3 or 4 months and it's not me it's him, and when we do he has to take viagra then its wham bam you know the rest. He has no sex drive (he's not cheating) I think this is from his depression and being overweight. I could run around naked and nothing........ We never cuddle, it's just not him anymore. When we are working on a project together he treats me like I am another guy, like I know how to measure out the schematics of a deck and like I know what a joist hanger is and how to put it on. He gets so frustrated and mad at me which makes me depressed so I get quiet and go elswhere until he yells at me because I'm not helping him. (he has medical issues too from being overweight) He always wants me to be in his back pocket, he says it's because he likes having me around, but he has such a negative additude and an anger issue it's hard for me to do that. He lives for money, if he doesn't have it to go play, he's not happy. I have talked to him about all of this several times and it changes for a while and it's back to the SOS. I don't think this relationship is at it's end I just think we both need help to work these issues out. I have not given many examples of the things he does but I think you'll get the picture. He has never hit me........
You say Fibro makes you vulnerable, how so? I've been naieve my whole life because I was so "sheltered." I have come to the conclusion that I can not do this fibro thing anymore without being on some kind of meds, I feel like a walking zombie of pain etc. so I will be going to the doc in a few minutes to see how he can help, if he can help. Sorry this is so long but I just got to vent and it feels great. I hope some of you can help and give advice. I do still love this man deep down but with all these issues it's hard to keep my chin up. I'll check back later, have a good afternoon!
KSP

 
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